To think my body is putting men off?

[soradnod]

I have been on a few first dates recently (OD). Would describe myself as reasonably attractive, can scrub up pretty well and can look pretty good in photos. Have decent hair and face.

before each date, we had video calls where I did full face of make up (so same as I would on a date) and was in flattering pose i.e. chin down, kind of lying on sofa so whilst was comfy / made me look better I guess. No filters obviously and in brightly lit room on facetime or zoom.

Pre both dates, we had long chats by video call (eg 2 hours), exchanged messages so got an idea of personality and looks, voice etc. Both complimented me on the fact I was fun and enthusiastic, and both said I was really chatty, so dont think its something I am saying? We end up having really long chats, it just seems like the attraction fades for them when they see me in person

Ultimate issue is that first one went to two dates and faded, second one, could just tell he wasn't as keen on the date as he was on video call, but annoying made all the rights noises and insinuating us seeing other again etc. Just no flirtation. Any perceived attraction had just faded, you could tell.

Appreciate its a two way thing re attraction, I dont want to be conning people but equally want to look my best. Honestly, I guess it must be my body / style / way I carry myself? If video calls are all going well and they are keen and then put off by me in real life?

I am a size 8-12 but very petite and could definitely do with toning up a fair bit. Should probs invest in some more flattering clothes too

I am not looking to hold a pity party btw just be compleltely subjective and work out what the issue is.

Do you have body pictures on your profile?
Also being size 8-12 doesn’t make sense.

@Greeneyes78

How can you be a size 8-12

Easily I'd say with ridiculous clothes sizing variations these days. An 8 in M&S could be a 12 in Urban Outfitters for example. I'm a small in Gap, which is bloody ridiculous. THere's no way I'm a small.

@ThirstyGhost you wouldn’t describe yourself as a 8-12. 8 is generally very slim and 12 is seen as being a bit more podge.

I would say I’m a size 14. I measure at different sizes in shops but if someone was to describe me, it would be a 14.

Personally I'd avoid video calls, have realistic pictures on your profile plus a full length one. I doubt it's your physique at all, sounds more like there wasn't a click in real life.

It's the spark that was missing. Nothing to do with your body. Maybe you're focusing too much on your looks?

ThirstyGhost
But if describing yourself then you'd go for the best fit. I have clothes from a 6-12 in my wardrobe, but would describe myself as an 8 or a 10 depending on whether I'm a little heavier than usual.

It's probably a pitfall of online dating because if you give a dress size then people will conjure up their own image of what their expecting.

@Greeneyes78 I'm the same, sizes can vary that much between brands etc, plus a little bit of a top/bottom disparity.

Don't hide stuff and you wont be disappointed. It's better for all parties.

^ I think our issue is that you wouldn’t describe yourself as three different potential dress sizes

@LolaSmiles

ThirstyGhost But if describing yourself then you'd go for the best fit. I have clothes from a 6-12 in my wardrobe, but would describe myself as an 8 or a 10 depending on whether I'm a little heavier than usual.

It's probably a pitfall of online dating because if you give a dress size then people will conjure up their own image of what their expecting.

Yeah, thinking about it you are right about that. I'd say 10-12 to describe myself because that's what I am in most shops and seems to be a category on sizing charts frequently. Size 8 would be a freaky, "oh come ON with your ridiculous vanity sizing" exception in certain stores. It was an unusual description to choose (8 to 12).

Really easy to be a size 8-12 as a petite person: I am, largely because while I'm very petite & quite fit, I also have very big boobs. Also not necessary to be 'quite overweight' for this to be the case ffs

Could be an unquantifiable chemistry thing. Perhaps most likely tbh.

That said, if you're worrying about your figure you might come across as less confident than you did on the Zoom. Also this may sound really harsh (it's not meant to be), but if a guy is after someone who's really into maintaining a toned physique at the gym and you're not doing that, you're probably not a match anyway.

Doubt it's that though - most likely just chemistry. If you're not feeling a spark with them IRL, they might be thinking exactly the same about you (seemed to like me well enough on Zoom, but less so IRL), but as guys they probably don't think the problem lies with them (and it doesn't lie with you either - attraction is what it is).

BuggersMuddle
That's not a petite person thing. That's a human thing. We all have different shapes and sizes.

One of the reasons I've got clothing from a 6-12 is because I've got larger boobs. One of my friends has a wonderful hourglass figure, another has to size up in jeans because she has cyclist thighs.

Depending on height and build a 12 can easily be overweight, so saying 8-12 sounds would give me the impression of someone thinking that the lower number might increase the chance of getting a date (based on the view that assumes men who are OLD will prefer thinner women).

Definitley not your body if you are size 8-10. Chances are you didn't give off vibes on the dates of being up for jumping into bed with no strings attached. A surprising number of men are just looking for a fling. If you present as looking for something more you will put off the sleazebags. Which is a good thing, even if it feels like rejection at the time!

All of those who are saying that maybe the OP is looking heavier, discuss size/real sizes/depends on your height and what not.

You do realise that women who are a size 16 or 18 also go on a date don’t you?

@soradnod you have fully internalised what the media and society would like us to think. That the only important thing is your size or your body.
The reality is: regardless of your body, some men will be attracted to it. And you’ve only seen 2 men. Your sample is much too small to be able to make any judgment on your body and whatever you seem to think it’s lacking.
What is talking here (esp at a size 8~10) is your own lack of self confidence.

I think we're being a bit nasty to the OP. Even being a size 12 in some outfits is not fat, and who said she gave the blokes a number?

@soradnod I met one once that obviously didn't fancy me when he saw me in the flesh. I should've drawn the date (Fabswingers) to a halt right there. I realized it's not personal just one of those things.

I agree with the a PP that maybe we should be 'warts and all' to an extent on videos (I mean, makeup if you wear it for dates maybe, but not 'angle shots,' that way we know they probably will like us in the flesh if they have in videos.

You are a whole person, a human being. If they don't want that and just want Barbie, an object, then they can GTFO.

Personally I'm giving up all beauty practices. Why should we do all the stuff we do for men?

SoulofanAggron
I wasn't meaning it to be nasty at all, more commenting on how men on online dating may fill in the gaps on the information given, or how expectations can be formed.

Someone pointed out that a 12 can, depending on height, be overweight. Someone else disagreed. That's not a judgement on the OP. It's true that different sizes look different on different heights and builds.

If online dating photos and video chats are all done with perfect angles, makeup, flattering posture etc then it's entirely possible that the overall impression online is different to reality.

I know in the flesh I don't look the same as in some of the lovely photos I've got of me at friends' weddings where I'm scrubbed up well, standing strategically

Do you smoke?

I don't think a 12 can be clinically overweight in BMI unless the person's 4ft 9 or something maybe. It could fail too meet fascistic beauty standards if men hold them, but that's as far as it goes.

Honestly OP it can be anything and nothing to do with your body- it can be voice, something you say, the way you walk — just as we don’t ‘feel it’ , men are the same - a great many people are very very shallow and if they aren’t ‘instantly’ in to you, just think ‘next’ . The internet sweetie shop mentality has done this I’m afraid. I’ve seen very ordinary guys I really wouldn’t look twice at say they are only interested in women size 8 to 12 and 20 years younger with long blonde hair etc - some one who is genuine and really really likes you wouldnt give a shit about really tiny specifics

SoulofanAggron
5ft2 and 11 stone is a BMI of 28.3
5ft and 10 stone is 27.4
5ft 4 and 10 stone 7 is 25.1

Either way, acknowledging that a size 12 can look different on different heights and builds, including looking more overweight than someone might envisage from a dating profile, is reasonable.

It doesnt mean the OP is unattractive or that theres anything wrong with her figure. Expectations vs reality is one of the pitfalls of online dating.

The biggest put off for men is when a woman is too eager to please. Don't be falling over yourself to reply to messages and answer calls, let a man chase you, they love the chase x

Make sure your photos look like you. One of my friends has been online dating for a couple of years and his biggest complaint is women turning up looking nothing like they presented. Use normal light and no flattering angles, present as you are and they'll be happy when they see you.

The lack of spark may not be your appearance. We don't fancy everybody we meet and you may get on very well online but real life is different. Attraction is based on smell, body language, vibe, how someone presents as a whole...

Not sure why you'd lie on the couch?

Aren't you supposed to act like you're having a drink? Ie. Sitting up straight

You are over thinking this. With OLD you come across all sorts and sometimes things just don't click and you need to move on. I would also say that when I was doing OLD there was a definite cohort of men who seemed to like the idea of chatting over messenger etc but never actually wanted to meet up. They enjoy your attention without wanting to make the effort of dates in person. Don't fall into the trap of spending your time on them.

Don't forget if you are having a few dates, so are they and therefore the chances are they will click with one person more than another. The same goes for you. I'm sure you are fine. All I am wondering is how and where one 'dates' in these times.

Don't chat too much, be cool and good luck.