H has been cold, offish and grumpy for quite a while now. Years.
He started talking really condescendingly towards me a few years ago - it's exactly the way his father talks to his mother, and she tolerates it. I told him I won't, and to not talk like that to me. He knows he does it, knows he got it from father. He apologized back in the day, then carried on now and again. I think this was the catalyst for my feeling he'd lost respect/love for me, because he never used to speak to me like that, so if that's what his feelings were manifesting as, it felt clear to me how he felt. But our youngest was a baby and I desperately didn't want to split and then have him get the kids several nights a week. So each time he'd talk down to me, I'd pull him up on it and he'd apologise and at least make an effort for a while. But then it gradually got more frequent and I just withdrew. Just felt I'd rather not hear him talk to me that way at all, nor have the kids hear it, so conversation dwindled to basic practical stuff about the kids and what's for dinner. Nothing physical since then. I'm peri-menopausal anyway and not feeling like I'm missing that aspect of life right now. Perhaps had he not been so rude in his mannerisms and words, I'd have gotten that part of our lives back.
Actually, I feel the downspiral started during my last pregnancy, he wasn't helpful, kept consuming something the smell of which made me nauseous but he wouldn't stop despite my asking, didn't bother reading a childbirth book I really wanted him to read which would have helped me, and he was a huge letdown during labour. I just threw myself into adoring my children, they were both a long time coming and made me very happy.
So neither of us have been especially happy with each other, but I am so busy with the kids (nine, four) with zero help or support, he was busy doing various courses (kept him busy, cost us money, but actually does nothing to enhance his career in any way despite him telling me it was an investment that would help us financially) and such is life. I did not want to split when the kids were so young. I mean, they are still young :( .
I have been a sahm since our first was born, and we chose to home educate them. I knew this was a gamble for my own sense of financial security but I trusted him, and really wanted to not have the kids at school so young.
I am also hundreds of miles from my home town (though I have no parental help back there anyway. Still UK. My mother is still alive but we are NC. I have no practical support.).
He's been especially distant recently. He moved out of the family bed (still cosleep and bf the little one) at the start of lockdown, he claimed to get more space/better night's sleep as she still disturbed him in the night and both kids were staying up a little later due to their activities being cancelled. I was happy with this as his snoring was getting worse, and he didn't shower enough like I preferred he did before bed either. This was another source of contention, I'd politely ask him to shower before bed (I mean, I shouldn't even have to ask, right?), and he'd moan about it. Especially during pregnancy, my sense of smell seemed heightened, and he still wouldn't shower (he'd have one in the morning, but by the end of the day, he really needed a shower, imo.).
He's been jogging more, and staying in his home office more. Whether he's actually been jogging to get fit, or it's just his way to get out of the house to see her, I don't know.
I have had a feeling for a while now, that his thoughts are elsewhere.
He's been out a few evenings recently, he's not been one much for going out since we had the kids.
Tonight, he went out and accidentally left his computer on. I snooped and he's been chatting to a woman, I couldn't read it all as the kids were still running about and I didn't want them to see me looking, but it clearly points to at the least, flirting, building up to an affair. Lots of chatting about TV shows and books they read/watch together, signing off with xxx. I was skim reading so fast and could barely read it well, my heart was pounding so hard and my eyes felt blurry. She knows he's married with kids, and referred to his "situation". They talked about meeting up and having some drinks and"seeing what developed".
There were reams and reams of messages, I didn't even manage to scroll to the beginning to see how or when this started.
He also mentioned having a burner SIM card for his phone.
And he met her tonight.
I think they kissed, bare minimum.
When he got home, I nonchalantly asked him where he'd been, and he mentioned a male colleague by name (rolled off his tongue without a moment's hesitation), to discuss something work-oriented.
I feel stuck. I don't want to be with him, but I absolutely desperately don't want to be without my kids one night a week and every other weekend, or whatever it is, either.
But when I'm really unable to tolerate this situation, how do I even get out? I don't have a job, and not even sure what I'd do after ten years out of the workplace. I desperately didn't want the kids to have to go to school til they were a little older.
I did put the vast majority of money into our house, from the house I had before we met. He brought nothing financially to the table at that stage, but obviously has been the sole earner since our eldest was born.
I haven't been happy in our location for a long time either, I never wanted to move here but we did for his job. It was not meant to be permanent. I have wanted to move back to my hometown/area for years. Now I feel stuck in an area I absolutely hate, with no job, two kids, no practical support (yes, I've made friends here, but no one I can think of who'd be able to help, they all have kids too). My best friend lives abroad. I also can't even afford to move back as I come from a relatively expensive area. And now I don't even know if it's fair to uproot the kids and move hundreds of miles away. Is it?
First things first, I know I need to get evidence. Help - it's on his computer on WhatsApp. How do I save their conversation? I can only think of taking photos but that will take ages.
He's very techy, and I don't even know when he'll next make the mistake of leaving his computer on again.
I don't have the passwords for our bank account either. As he was the only one earning, he has been the one to oversee the accounts.
Shit.