Blended Family/Relationship

[Newstarthopefully]

Long time Mumsnetter but name changed due to potentially outing. Need some advice from wise ladies please.

I’m early thirties been was in a long term relationship relationship since I was a teen. Got three children - DS14, DD9, DS3. Separated from their dad due to losing the spark. Nothing majorly wrong but it just fizzled out. We were more friends that a couple after growing up together from dating age 14 to teen pregnancy to relationship and going through all those life changes together.

Over the last year since separation I’ve started seeing someone - I’ve known him for five years as former work colleagues. He is divorced with three children and 50:50 care with his ex wife. Their divorce was fairly amicable and similar reasons.

I’ve done the slow date thing - lots of days out together just us. Spending time away together. Lockdown happened and we bubbled when that was allowed we single house holds and we are really close and happy.

We are about to move in together. He already owns a large 5 bedroom home which I’ll contribute towards as I work full time also. The children like him and get on well with him - he’s been very clear with them that he isn’t their dad or trying to replace their dad but for my oldest son he’s a mate; someone he can get on with and my son has taken to that.

My biggest worry is now the big step of moving in together:
-how do we blend? We will have all 6 children in the house for 50% of the week and only mine for up to 90% as they seen their dad every other weekend (his choice).

-Any suggestions for how to make this transition as easy as possible and to ensure the relationships stay strong. I’m quite worried as to how to help the children spend time together under the same roof - we’ve done play dates etc.

Also I’ve been thinking of silly things like my little one still comes into bed with me most nights when he wakes up - how do others manage that in blended families?

Thanks all - I’m a natural worrier and so want this to work as best we can.

How long have you been dating?

Will the move involve the children leaving their schools or is it still local enough they will stay in their existing ones?

Your have been seeing him a year? It's not about you and how long you have known him, but the children. Too soon. A year? Jesus. Both of you with kids? You have a three year old who still comes into your bed??

Come on, just slow down. Put your children first.

Waaay too soon.

I think it’s way too soon and unnecessary.

I think you should ask your new guy how it will work with your three year old waking up in the night and coming in with you.

After a year I would maybe start doing overnights and mixing the kids more, see how that goes and give it maybe 6 months. Moving in together when you've only been dating a year is absolute madness, so, so unfair on both sets of kids. Blended families are HARD, me and DH were friends long before our older kids were even born, and we were together years before we moved in and married, and his dd is far from 50/50 care, and it has still been so hard in many ways. I wouldnt change my younger kids for the world but I definitely would have reconsidered the entire relationship if I knew what blended families could be like once the honeymoon period is over.

It's far too soon. Playdates cannot prepare you all for moving in together. Whilst the are fine with your partner now, these relationships are so fragile and changeable so it'll probably change.

I'd slow right down, continue to date and perhaps do overnights once a week. I'd then give it another year and consider it then.

Recipe for disaster by a country mile

It's good that you are considering these things but sad that you can't see that the solution is to not move in together.

The fact it's your 'biggest worry' indicates that you probably realise this but are looking for a way around it.

You describe yourself as having "started seeing someone" over the past year. That, alone with a few days out and liking him is not enough.

I personally don't like blending families but I can see why people do but this is madness and so unfair on your children.

I think it’s a bit soon.

What kind of security will your children and you have long term if he owns the house?

(I’m saying this as someone who is in a blended family - been married to dh for 12 years now, met him when dd was 6 years old and we now also have ds aged 8 together).

Far too soon start with staying over. I think this is a recipe for disaster especially 6 kids in one household I imagine even with 5 bedrooms some will have to share still.

I echo what other PP’s have said. Also: a friend of mine did similar last year: uprooted her 3 DC’s to move in with new DP and his DC. It was a total disaster & now she’s homeless with her DC’s. God knows what it’s done to her DC’s.

I think this will be too difficult for his children. It’s their home for half the week so to have other children move in permanently, to be living there when they’re not there, will feel wrong. I agree with PP, build up overnights and then if it’s working, think about buying a completely new house, so that no-one’s home is being taken over.

God another woman whose primary focus is herself and a new man. Why are you rushing to place your Dc in this situation? Have they not had enough trauma from you and there dad splitting up? You can have a relationship without throwing your DC into it and moving into another mans home.

It is a year, who cares if you know this man for 5yrs...you have been dating less than a year

Put your kids first and don’t move in.
This is a recipe for disaster.
It will never be yours or your kids house and this will be used against you.

Wow, just wow!!
My dc didn't even meet my now dh until about the same time yours are being moved in with your new, yes new, partner.
These threads are so depressing.
Put your dc first!!

What’s the rush with moving in? What happens if it all goes wrong and it’s his house?

And as for your question about your little one coming into your bed that you'll share with your dp m? The answer is you don't ever consider it in a million years.
I can't believe a parent would consider letting her child share a bed with a man she'd been dating for a year. I despair.

I couldn't be bothered with this. Why give up yours and your children's security to move in with someone when you have doubts about how it would work? Just keep things the way they are.

What will happen your house??

I think this is unfair on your children, I don't understand the rush to move in. This will completely rock their little worlds, put their needs first.

No way I'd do this after only seeing each other a year, especially with a 3yo.

I'd give it another couple of years.

Are you independently financially secure? What would happen if you split up, would you have a home to go to?

I would slow it down, we've started to do more sleep overs gradually, see how quickly the novelty of being in each other's space wears off and the true frustrations come out between them all.

My son was older and would come in for cuddles and sadly that had to end, but was more by his choice, I'm not sure how that will work with a 3 year old?

Way too soon for your DCs. Don't move in whilst you're still in the honeymoon phase of your relationship.

I have 3 dc and am separated. There's not a chance in ever I'd be moving them in with an unknown and his 3 dc.
Keep your dc your priority. They need stability

Have you all spent a full week together?
Perhaps plan for a weekend break all of you next year and see how that goes.
There's no rush.