Blended Family/Relationship

[Newstarthopefully]

Long time Mumsnetter but name changed due to potentially outing. Need some advice from wise ladies please.

I’m early thirties been was in a long term relationship relationship since I was a teen. Got three children - DS14, DD9, DS3. Separated from their dad due to losing the spark. Nothing majorly wrong but it just fizzled out. We were more friends that a couple after growing up together from dating age 14 to teen pregnancy to relationship and going through all those life changes together.

Over the last year since separation I’ve started seeing someone - I’ve known him for five years as former work colleagues. He is divorced with three children and 50:50 care with his ex wife. Their divorce was fairly amicable and similar reasons.

I’ve done the slow date thing - lots of days out together just us. Spending time away together. Lockdown happened and we bubbled when that was allowed we single house holds and we are really close and happy.

We are about to move in together. He already owns a large 5 bedroom home which I’ll contribute towards as I work full time also. The children like him and get on well with him - he’s been very clear with them that he isn’t their dad or trying to replace their dad but for my oldest son he’s a mate; someone he can get on with and my son has taken to that.

My biggest worry is now the big step of moving in together:
-how do we blend? We will have all 6 children in the house for 50% of the week and only mine for up to 90% as they seen their dad every other weekend (his choice).

-Any suggestions for how to make this transition as easy as possible and to ensure the relationships stay strong. I’m quite worried as to how to help the children spend time together under the same roof - we’ve done play dates etc.

Also I’ve been thinking of silly things like my little one still comes into bed with me most nights when he wakes up - how do others manage that in blended families?

Thanks all - I’m a natural worrier and so want this to work as best we can.

What’s the rush? My DP moved in just over the 2 year mark. I only have DS 50/50 with his dad and DP doesn’t have any children. Even our situation has complications sometimes!!

We did lots of trips out to start, then DP. Would stay for tea. After about 14 months, an occasional stop over from DP, later a short break away, then the stay overs increased. Eventually DS asked if DP could stay with us all the time.

Just slow down a bit!

A year?! How massively irresponsible of you and unfair on your kids. Unreal. Way too much too soon.

Wow, slow right down. Way too soon to be moving in together.

I didn’t move in with my partner until we had been seeing each other for 3 years. We both have kids from previous relationships. He has his 2 girls all the time as his wife died 9 years ago, my kids are it’s us majority of the time (they see their dad twice during the week and every other weekend).

I would feel if my 3yo still came in to bed every night that it wouldn’t be the right time to move in with a new man.

Presumably your DP has stayed over in your bed - how does that work now? Or does your DP only stay over when you are child free?

So many things to consider - all the dc and their emotional needs and what would happen/where would you live if it didn’t work out?

Hi All,

Thanks a lot for your replies I appreciate what you’ve said. Like I said I wanted advice from someone outside the situation. I’m not trying to prioritise myself over my children - that’s not who I am or what I’ve ever done and my eldest two have been involved in lots of the discussions to ensure they feel comfortable.

Because we weren’t married, my ex partner has been able to get us out of ‘our’ house hence us struggling to find somewhere else to go.

My new partner is a work colleague who I’ve known for 5 years but so have my children but obviously not in the capacity as mum’s partner. My ex partner is moving a new partner into our house hence trying to find stability for the children.

I realise now they actually I’m just jumping into a similar situation in term of what if we don’t work out and I’ll be homeless again.

I’m happy to wait to move in with my partner based on what’s been said and I’d really appreciate the sort of approaches people have taken to blend families ie I appreciate some of the suggestions around holidays together etc. We have done that prior to covid - different apartments so I see the point.

Thanks again

@Newstarthopefully

Hi All,

Thanks a lot for your replies I appreciate what you’ve said. Like I said I wanted advice from someone outside the situation. I’m not trying to prioritise myself over my children - that’s not who I am or what I’ve ever done and my eldest two have been involved in lots of the discussions to ensure they feel comfortable.

Because we weren’t married, my ex partner has been able to get us out of ‘our’ house hence us struggling to find somewhere else to go.

My new partner is a work colleague who I’ve known for 5 years but so have my children but obviously not in the capacity as mum’s partner. My ex partner is moving a new partner into our house hence trying to find stability for the children.

I realise now they actually I’m just jumping into a similar situation in term of what if we don’t work out and I’ll be homeless again.

I’m happy to wait to move in with my partner based on what’s been said and I’d really appreciate the sort of approaches people have taken to blend families ie I appreciate some of the suggestions around holidays together etc. We have done that prior to covid - different apartments so I see the point.

Thanks again

In your first post you said you're "about to move in together".

Do you mean based on feedback here you're now going to put those plans on hold to ensure your children aren't uprooted and impacted unfairly?

It seems like you've done a real turnaround, hopefully you mean it.

It sounded like a done deal in your op.

What will he say if you tell him you’re not moving after all? Where will you go with three children?

I do mean it as I said my children are my priority. The feedback has helped. I think I posted initially as I was thinking similar things but my mates were all encouraging me to do the ‘be happy, just go for
It’ mentality as they’ve seen me unhappy for so long so I was confused.

To answer a couple of the questions - he has been around my little son since he was 2.5 so my son is really comfortable around him as he hasn’t known any different. My eldest like I said sees him as a ‘mate’ and DP has been really clear about not trying to replace his dad and DD has taken to the situation really well. Her best friend’s parents split up at the same time as me and my ex so they’ve gone through it together and have both seen positive outcomes.

DP hasn’t pressured me at all. I think he will understand and if he doesn’t then I’ll reevaluate his place in my life.

I thought you separated amicably with your Ex so why have you been forced out of the old family home without the finances to rent a new one? Surely your ex wants his DC adequately housed for the 90% of the time they're with you?

We were amicable in terms of no arguments/fighting etc and communication is generally good but we have our own viewpoints.

Long story it was his parents house - inheritance. Forced out might be strong but - made to feel very uncomfortable so pushed out would make more sense. He has ‘encouraged’ me to look at other options while making this awkward ie bringing his new partner here etc for dates and us having to vacate shared family spaces for them.

Eek, so you’ve missed out on the security that being married would’ve provided, and your kids are now being chucked out - by their dad? Is he doing anything positive? Paying child aintenance?

I would say a better foundation for the future would be to concentrate on meeting the needs of your dc by yourself in receipt of state benefits, universal credit and child maintenance. Not relying (again) on the goodwill of a bloke. If their own dad can kick the kids out, a step dad would find it even easier...

I do work full time hence how my partner now was a colleague. Didn’t get married but glad in a way I didn’t now. You live and learn.

He is paying maintenance but is being a bit of a ‘fun’ dad. Love bombing them with phones, consoles etc for the 10% of the time he has them. He does keep in touch with school etc and attended virtual parents’ evenings and things.

I’m sure based on the advice we will find a way through.

Oh are you still living under the same roof as your ex for now?
"Us having to vacate shared family spaces for them" Like fuck would I be doing that.

I do think moving in with your new BF would make you extremely vulnerable. You need to have the deposit/means to know you can set up on your own before contemplating living together. Don't underestimate how hard it can be to establish harmonious parenting styles within blended families, and how much conflict and resentment it can cause for both the parents and the children.

I have been with my bf for 14 months and would not consider moving in with him any time soon. In fact, not at all while my kids are dependant on me. They are 12 and 14 and although they get on with my bf and we have been away for a week together and he sometimes stays here when they are here, my DC are very protective of their space and don't like for example not being able to come into my bedroom in the mornings to chat to me/use the washing basket, etc when he is there so I wouldn't force this on them 100% of the time if they are not comfortable.

I had kids, I didn't expect my marriage to their dad to end but it did but that was not their fault. My focus is on them being happy and making our home happy for them. When they are with their dad, I can do my own thing.

It doesn't sound like your situation is ideal at the moment but don't move in with someone you've been with for a year because it solves your housing situation. Try and get some independence with your kids and if you have to move in together, do it when it's right for everyone.

Thanks ladies. You’re right. I do need to become more independent. My new partner hasn’t made me feel I rely on him at all.

Yes still living under same roof as ex hence the solution I came up with but you’re all right - that isn’t why you move in with a partner and I need to spend the time getting myself sorted.

I find it very difficult as there are not many’ blended’ families in my family set up. All relatives married and were married for 35+ years and either are now widows or still going strong. The only blended family I know is a mum - now 40s with three children who had one at the time of meeting her current DP and he moved in within a week or so of them meeting at the time her son was 8.

Thanks all

I hope it all works out for you