What do you do when you are pretty sure your DH isn’t in love anymore

[Muchadoaboutlife]

Just that really. He still has sex with me when it’s on offer but he’s just kind of checked out. Doesn’t converse with me unless I talk first, isn’t really interested in how I think or feel, just that “meh” feeling from him. Never seeks out my company. I get on with my life but I’m hugely depressed and it’s getting worse. He isn’t bothered about sleeping at night with me. He’s just lost interest. I keep myself fit and well but I’m getting old and my looks are fading to be honest. He rarely tells me he loves me. He told me a few years ago that he loved me but wasn’t in love with me anymore and his eyes are just kind of dead when they look at me. I’ve offered him an out more than once but he gets annoyed and just ignores it. The thing is because it’s obvious the love has gone, he doesn’t speak to me properly. Trying to explain it. He’ll snap and bark sometimes. Kind of disrespect. It’s distressing and I feel it deeply. I just think if you care for somebody you don’t speak like that. So I know he’s lost feeling. I just don’t know what to do. I’m not getting younger. Do I make the break and try to move on before he inevitably falls for somebody else? Destroying me in the process. The reason I say this is last year we bumped into a younger, gorgeous friend of mine. My husband was like a new man. Gushing, sparkly, enthusiastic, gushing how “sweet” and “nice” she is. I’m not an idiot. He hasn’t looked at me like he looked at her in more than a decade. I feel like he’s just waiting it out until the kids leave home. I just don’t know what to do and I’m scared and resigned. Help!

In all honesty you sound destroyed. You sound checked out.
It's not fair you put in the effort and he shows you nothing for it.
You know it's time to leave. Just make the move you sound unhappy.

Which is understandable of course but mentally this is destroying you and there is no point wasting time on someone who doesn't want it

Reading that back you have answered your own question. And your question is, ' Should I spend the rest of my life being miserable and being slowly destroyed by a man who no longer has any regard or care for me, and who I suspect will leave me anyway?'

Someone else used a brilliant phrase which I think perfectly describes the effect of staying in a crap relationship, ' it slowly erodes you, like water over a stone.'

Yes, leave! How old are you? You do realise men get older too? Older men aren't all dating 25 year olds y'know. Get out. Life your best life as a single person. And go all out to find someone else. Some-one who will value and care for you.

Here's another good phase I heard someone use, ' I have fallen down many times in life but I have always picked myself up again. You cannot spend your life eating dirt.'

Op you sound miserable, I hope you're ok .have you spoken to him about it?

I'm so sorry. I can hear in your post how much this hurts.

If I were in your position I think I'd suggest a trial separation. It may shock him into what he will lose and he may want to fight for the relationship (counselling would be next step if so) or it may well cement for you the decision that's it's time to move on.

I have a friend that could've written your post. I can see it in their relationship and it appears exactly as you've described. If it were me I would rather be alone and happy than married and desperately unhappy. I would also want my children to see me happy and teach them to strive for good relationships themselves on their adult lives.

Good luck

I feel so sad reading your post OP you sound just worn down by it all. It might seem scary but May be for your own sanity it might be best to leave him? You don't deserve to feel like this

Your marriage sounds like torture. It sounds like it's a constant chip of your self-esteem. I can't see anything to stay for. How old are you OP?

Sounds really really tough OP and you deserve more than this relationship. Insist on a trial separation.

I’ve offered counselling and booked an appointment. He ignored the request. I ended up cancelling it. The problem is that I can’t forget the couple of times he’s said he doesn’t love me anymore. I’m late 40’s but look older. I’ve never been a looker. Sorry but it’s true. I’m average and I’ve always been the person that nobody looks at when out in a group of girls. My figures ok but I don’t stand out. Im just average with non offensive looks. It doesn’t improve with age as the wrinkles and bags are under my eyes. I don’t really know what to do. The chances of me meeting somebody are incredibly slim because I’ve never attracted male attention. It just never happens like that for me. So my options are limited. I stay where I am and try to live some kind of fulfilled life so I don’t have to watch him meet the love of his life and play happy families with my kids with somebody else.

You're giving him a lot of credit.

Who can say if he will meet the love of his life, he doesn't sound like a great catch to be fair.

You are always, always prettier when you smile, so start smiling again. With or without him him.

Get rid. This is no life.
He'll probably panic like fuck and try to 'win' you back. Let him go. It's his loss. You sound lovely.
And we're all getting older, not just you! He's dragging you down, the lazy cowardly shit bag.
Excuse my potty mouth by the way.

Get counselling for yourself. You have issues with self confidence and resolving them will put you in a better position to think about what you want.

Most people are "average" looking; it's the nature of average. It's not a disadvantage.

OP leave him as soon as possible and do some nice stuff for yourself, treat yourself to a haircut and some new clothes, not with the idea of meeting anyone new but with the idea of rediscovering who you are, and loving and being good to yourself. You deserve better, you will be better off on your own. Once you're free you can consider your options. No pressure to be with anyone, or not. Give yourself some space.

As the singer Nina Simone sang:
“You’ve got to learn to leave the table when love is no longer being served”.

Get out there and live!

When he told you that, you should have taken steps to leave at that point. A lot of people lose that “in love” feeling but still really like each other and can live without that. He doesn’t sound like he enjoys any part of you anymore apart from sex (Why do you offer him that when he is so cold?)

I live in my own OP and it’s great. You don’t need a man at all to be fulfilled.

Honestly, I bet you look a billion years younger when you’re not carrying this burden. He won’t even do you the courtesy of helping you through this with counselling? What a toad! Just get your paperwork and see a solicitor.

I felt so sad for you reading your OP but then I thought how lovely you sound and what an arsehole this man is for treating you badly and not having the guts to end it if he isn't happy (if that's what this is).
You can't live your life like this, waiting for him to end it, you're only late 40s ffs.
Take the bull by the horns and end it. If he wants you he will buck his ideas up with the reality of losing you, and if he doesn't then you still have your dignity and your whole life ahead of you.
X

You sound absolutely ground down. Your self esteem is on the floor and you're so unhappy. Please get counselling for yourself. You
need help to discover your own worth.
My guess is that with your confidence improved, you'll end this miserable relationship because you'll realise you deserve better than this joyless, thoughtless sod you're putting up with.

He sounds like a man without depth, no sintulaying conversation or interests. Added to which if he’s just hanging around waiting to see if someone else comes along... really

Get out of there, you deserved to set yourself free

I think you have a stark choice - continue as you're living, certain in the knowledge that he'll bugger off anyway and meanwhile he'll destroy your self-esteem, or get out while you're young enough to start a new life without him. I would hate to live with someone who felt like that about me.

I wonder actually whether an affair has already started. That checking out and contempt often coincides with an interest in someone else.

Absolutely 100% leave. Live a fulfilling life on your own. You don't need a man, you really don't. Focus on making yourself happy and the rest will follow, whatever that might be. Don't wait for him to make the decision to leave you. You do it. It will be empowering and liberating and you will thank yourself for it in the future.

I would also leave - and did - a similar situation in that I felt completely unloved / invisible.

I might never meet anyone else (and I would like to) but even if I don’t, being single is a million times better than being married but so so lonely. I used to ache for closeness and affection (and I still do now) but knowing that I was trapped with someone who would never give me that was a lot worse than how I feel now.

At least now the future is unknown...

“Absolutely 100% leave. Live a fulfilling life on your own. You don't need a man, you really don't. Focus on making yourself happy and the rest will follow, whatever that might be. Don't wait for him to make the decision to leave you. You do it. It will be empowering and liberating and you will thank yourself for it in the future.”

This.

The thing that struck me reading your post is not that you fear your husband has lost interest, it was just how little you value yourself. The way you have described your looks, talked about your options or lack of them.. heartbreaking. Your current situation is CRUSHING YOU.. and you cannot allow it to continue. Your self esteem is on the floor and it’s time to pick it up! My advice , separate from your husband -and take time to care for yourself. Put dating and all that to one side, it’s not important- you are important.