What do you do when you are pretty sure your DH isn’t in love anymore

[Muchadoaboutlife]

Just that really. He still has sex with me when it’s on offer but he’s just kind of checked out. Doesn’t converse with me unless I talk first, isn’t really interested in how I think or feel, just that “meh” feeling from him. Never seeks out my company. I get on with my life but I’m hugely depressed and it’s getting worse. He isn’t bothered about sleeping at night with me. He’s just lost interest. I keep myself fit and well but I’m getting old and my looks are fading to be honest. He rarely tells me he loves me. He told me a few years ago that he loved me but wasn’t in love with me anymore and his eyes are just kind of dead when they look at me. I’ve offered him an out more than once but he gets annoyed and just ignores it. The thing is because it’s obvious the love has gone, he doesn’t speak to me properly. Trying to explain it. He’ll snap and bark sometimes. Kind of disrespect. It’s distressing and I feel it deeply. I just think if you care for somebody you don’t speak like that. So I know he’s lost feeling. I just don’t know what to do. I’m not getting younger. Do I make the break and try to move on before he inevitably falls for somebody else? Destroying me in the process. The reason I say this is last year we bumped into a younger, gorgeous friend of mine. My husband was like a new man. Gushing, sparkly, enthusiastic, gushing how “sweet” and “nice” she is. I’m not an idiot. He hasn’t looked at me like he looked at her in more than a decade. I feel like he’s just waiting it out until the kids leave home. I just don’t know what to do and I’m scared and resigned. Help!

Your self esteem needs some work, and then you'll be packing your bags and skipping out the door.

Set some small goals to get fitter, eat healthier... reach those targets and find your sense of achievement... and then go step by step... have your nails done... a new beautiful coat or dress... learn a new skill or hobby... get a new cut and colour... try botox it's wonderful (go on, flame me but you'll look the age you feel)... eye bags can be solved too... just little changes and I am quite sure you'll feel like a fabulous new woman that no longer belongs with him.

I think there are some unfair comments about the husband. The fact is people fall out of love with each other, for all kinds of reasons. Often they don't even really know the reason.

My EXDW was much like your DH. No warmth. No spark. No desire (and I don't just mean sexually). Just living out the formalities of a marriage. It's pretty common. She probably would have been OK just doing that forever, but I wasn't and we split. I don't regret it.

I think you're right that you can't bank on meeting someone else. (I mean "one" generally can't, not you specifically). I saw it in my future but obviously Covid's put the brakes on it in the short term, and to be honest the longer I go on the more I just feel happy being on my own. I have more time, more energy, my mental health is better and so I make better use of my time. I see my friends more. Might get around to dabbling again one day but I'm not sure I ever want to be in a relationship again.

I suppose you need to take stock of what you get out the "relationship" and decide whether it's worth it. Thing is though, that crushing, soul destroying sucking away of your life and spirit that is the price - you only really realise after it's over how dearly you've been paying.

This is just heartbreaking OP - and I’m so sorry- but can you repair this? You fear a future alone for sure - but how much of your future can you give to the pain you’re already feeling.
I fear the more you try the less your DH will feel the need to. It sounds as if his indifference could mean he is already pursuing another relationship - in his head or more.
For what it’s worth - count your blessings - you have a good heart - you have your health - and even though you attempt to down play it you sound attractive and someone might feel very lucky to have you and cherish you.
I don’t always say it - but maybe LTB and find yourself- don’t let this relationship destroy you and steal your happiness.

You can't live like this. Take control and do it now while you are still relatively young. Get a battle plan together and don't offer him a way out TELL him it's over. Split the money and spend some of it on yourself for a change.

Then make some changes for you. A mini/lower facelift (macs lift) with eye lift and fat transfer in a safe European country like Belgium can take 10+ years off you and will last forever and cost around £4K.

A proper haircut (not a short cut you have cause it's easier to look after) and some kind of colour. Some clothing that is a bit more considered than your usual. Less practical. Some kind of makeup regime. And retin-a (not retinol) will give you amazing skin within 6 months but won't give any significant lift. See a dermatologist. Anything else that's bugging you just fix.

No one needs to feel this way. Sometimes you need to make actual changes because I don't think you'll convince yourself you're worth it until there's some reflection of that in the mirror. But you need to work on your confidence too. I think making some changes, taking control, and having a life of your own (he will be looking after the kids on his own too don't forget!)

Time for your own hobbies and sports. Yoga is incredible for the figure and great for your brain. Things you like doing. Meet-up groups. Re connect with friends.

Get through Christmas and do all your planning then tell him you're done. Nothing can change the way he is and I 100% know what you mean. It's too soul destroying yo diy there and wait to be discarded. Don't do it - life's too short.

Bloody hell, so the way to feel good about yourself is to spend thousands getting stuff sucked out of you/into you is it?

Can't be having those nasty eye bags and wrinkles can we? God forbid us women actually look our age 😱

Yes, yes yes I know. I'm as feminist as the rest of us (probably much more so actually) but I'm also a realist.

The op feels like shit about herself and feels like she looks old for her age. Is it likely she will accept that? No. And at late 40s she might not be ready to shuffle off into the world of comfortable shoes and no dating.

And who said anything about getting fat sucked out? Stem cell transplants are tiny amounts of your own fat put in instead of filler that are a) very long lasting (about 50% will stay forever) and b) will rejuvenate the skin.

After god knows how many years putting the kids first, watching the light go out of her husbands eyes and and feeling deeply unattractive deciding she's 'perfect just as she is' isn't going to work for her because she feels that's a lie.

Don't judge other women who want to live differently to you. Late 40s is too young to give up.

From what you say he may well already have an OW, but is waiting for the kids to get older when it won't cost him too much to leave you.

In your position...I'd

1. either end it
2. Stay till kids are older and emotionally detach from him, while making sure my finances are in good order
3. Stay and let him know my heart isn't in the marriage as a result of his treatment/ feelings towards you and we can live separately under the same roof or we can get divorced. There would be no more intimacy or facades of pretence. The message here is a declaration that I'm free and he's free.

Take back the power.

Your whole self worth sounds like it's bound up in how others perceive you (external factors). That's not uncommon when you've been in a long relationship and are a Mum. You need to work on yourself to increase internal factors. Counselling, self care, exercise, financial and social independence will all help.

An inner you overhaul is well overdue too. Getting yourself looking good will make a huge difference but getting your inner self in line with that is a must otherwise you look in the mirror and only see 'average' instead of wonderful.

You are probably quite depressed by now (I fucking would be!) so some CBT therapy (short, useful for changing your thinking) would be great. Meeting new friends and surrounding yourself with people who love you is super important - no one looks at the people they love and says to themselves 'she's got a boring haircut and is looking old so I like her less'.

But I hate to tell you.. your late 40s can be a sexual peak. So you may have put that side of you away but it's still there. Get out now and be the best looking you that you can and don't even think about comparing yourself to your glamorous friend but do be inspired by it. Have fun. Get your own sparkle back.

And discard him the way he has you. He's dead weight and will drag you down. A shallow silly man who doesn't see your value - get out while you can.

Lots of "if he wants out he must be cheating" comments on here. Has no one here been in a relationship where the love just died? That could very well be what's happened to this woman's husband, sometimes for no reason you can think of things change and the relationship can't survive through it.

And sometimes ending a relationship isn't as black and white as it seems on a forum like this, especially where kids, money or property are up for discussion. Definitely the H should end it if he's mentally checked out of the relationship to save them both from a life of unhappiness together but it's not as easy as that sometimes.

It doesn't really matter if he's cheating - what matters is if he's lying. Because that changes everything for the OP. Why should she feel like there's some mysterious fault in her that he's only just discovered when the explanation is much more simple.

Most people are "average" looking; it's the nature of average. It's not a disadvantage

This! Fat women, skinny women, quiet women, loud women, 'plain' women, older women all types of women find men, because there are are all types of men out there.

And even if you don't, living life alone on your own terms has to be better than what you have at the moment.

I can only echo most of the comments on here.

But I also think it's time to get angry. As a PP said, he's a cowardly shit bag. How DARE he treat you, the mother of his children, with such disdain? How DARE he continue to torture you like this just because he's too much of a coward to end it? And I'm sorry, I don't buy the "it's not as easy as that to end a marriage" bollocks. No, it's far far easier to carry on as he is because, frankly, he's well set up isn't he!

As others have said, your self-esteem is through the floor so do some work on you mentally - and physically, if you want. And then find that anger!

I'm the same age as you and single, and whether or not I stay that way I'm not sure I care any more. My oldest friend is also single but lurches from one unsuitable man to another and is always disappointed when things don't work out. Watching that has.made me realise that it's got to be absolutely, completely right before I consider another relationship.

Late 40's? That's no age! You have time on your hands! My grandad met his second wife when he was 83. He's really happy! They do so much together, they're loving being together!

You can, and should free yourself of this situation.

You have time on your hands! My grandad met his second wife when he was 83. He's really happy! They do so much together, they're loving being together!

OMG, that's so lovely! I love stories like that!