When your waste of space ex doesn't pay maintenance

[Pebbledashery]

How do you deal with getting through the whole month until next pay day supporting a house, all the bills, food shopping, and providing 100% financial support for a child???
My ex, wannabe Disney dad....Point blank refuses to pay a single penny of child maintenance towards our child because he's not allowed to see her. I logged into my account on CMS yesterday and he's £4k in arrears.. Ex is a higher earner and earns in excess of £75k from his day job.. The line of work he's in he also earns a lot on the side doing private work.
I mean, how do you cope financially? I will never learn to rely on this money once it starts being paid. He would rather be forced to pay then put himself through the pain of having to pay it into my bank account...that money is for her and only her and he can't bring himself to do it.

@Pebbledashery So sorry for what hassle you have ahead. Be strong.

@luanmapo
They can change their names at 16.

Honestly? I can only speak on the money side as my ex thankfully wasn't abusive, so sorry you went through/are going through that

I never included that money in my budget.

I was much less well informed and experienced in dealings with both ex and govt when I first split from mine. At least you have mn to hopefully see you straight!

2.5 years he sat on the forms from csa (as was) until someone I met who was also a single parent (father with care in his case actually so to pp who wondered if women can be just as shit - yes!) who advised me to contact my Mp. At this point I had no idea mps could deal with stuff like this - I know much better now and probably bug the life out of current Mp

This lit a fire under csa who lit a fire under ex FINALLY

But he still played the system which resulted in dd and I being doubly "stung" because at this point I was on income support Etc and Cm was included for benefits calculations then. So when I DID get a payment I was no better off and if I DIDN'T or he UNDER paid for the first few months dwp assumed he WAS paying and in full and deducted from my benefits.

Thankfully that's since been changed.

My ex was army too so it's not like the govt didn't know EXACTLY where he was and EXACTLY how much he was paid cos they employed him! However, the army can be very obstructive on this matter and very much drag their heels.

Eventually a deduction from earnings order was obtained and enforced, only for ex to get himself kicked out the army!

He then went into a "self employed" situation, lied to me he wasn't working at all but stupidly posted a work promotion on his Sm! (Yes he's not the brightest!)

So I contacted (then) cms and reported this who told me they couldn't do anything on the basis of a sm post...but the person whispered to me that Hmrc COULD look into whether he was declaring his earnings honestly and that i might want to contact them to report possible tax fraud!

Cms can then get the info from hmrc and proceed accordingly - which they did.

But the whole of dds childhood he never paid regularly or always the full amount, I calculated what he "owed" at one point and it's into £10,000's in my case - more from the length of time than him being a particularly high earner.

In your case your main priority has to be your and dds safety of course, but if you can do so safely then I would advise contacting both your Mp and hmrc. Mps have to legally respond and act within certain time frames for constituents. This is regardless of their opinions or party affiliations on the subject you're contacting them about. My Mp at that time was a Tory who vehemently disagreed with csa etc yet absolutely went to bat for the current laws to be enforced.

Hmrc also have obligations to investigate reports of potential fraud.

If you need advice on budgeting which is also something I'm now much better at than I once was out of necessity. You could post on this thread or a new thread and myself and many others would be more than happy to help and advise. You can even pm me if you wish?

So glad you got out that's amazing!

Wishing you and your Dd the very best for your new future

@Pebbledashery nope! He never went for anything further after he got the every other Saturday 10-4.
Like I said previously, I kind of left it to the children when they got older as to how often they went, he never bothered to push it any further.
I just think it was to prove to his new girlfriend (now wife) what a supposed decent father he could be. That’s all.
He has his own business which he hides the money he makes from god knows how! Just so he doesn’t have to pay them child support:
What I have never ever done is signed the forms to say I will never go after any money from him. So if he ever does come into money, I will sure as hell go for some of it, to say he dodged child support for too long and he owes it to the children!!
I do think from wht you’ve said, you’ve an extremely strong case! It’s all about proving character and the distressing time you’ve had, you’ve every right to protect your child from him,
It’s all so daunting, but you have to stay strong and determined and the Judge should hopefully see through all the Disney dad portrayal and back your evidence.
My children are all loving and strong individuals who will do well in life. I know it’s all down to my loyal, loving and stable life I have provided for them. I have done everything for them. Put my career on hold for them. But au love how strong we all are now.
I don’t think I will whole heartedly trust 100% a man ever again, even though I have moved on with someone else who I’ve been with for years. These nasty, narcissistic men just do something to make you that little bit tougher and more resilient and wary.
I love and adore my children dearly, but my god I wish I never laid eyes on him, ever!

@luanmapo they only need you. I'll never bring a man into our lives again for a v v v long time. I'll devote my life to my little one. Just scared at the prospect getting contact as I can't protect her and she's just a means to an end to continue abusing me.. Especially now I've dared left him. Scared about the future x I wish I'd never lay eyes on him either. Your kids don't need him as they have you :)

H and I separated 2.5 years ago. I have never had a single penny since he moved out. I am still in the jointly owned house and pay the mortgage, we have two children. Before he left money was always still tight, he would give me some money towards bills but then spend more than he put in down the pub. Now he is gone I know where I am at and can budget accordingly, I work full time and pay for everything for me and the children. He is self employed ( earns good money generally but it is cash in hand so I cannot go through child maintenance service). I'm struggling to get a divorce as he won't sign paperwork so can't get him off mortgage, when I do he'll probably be entitled to a big chunk of equity in house that he never paid into and a chunk of my pension. It's so frustrating when he pays nothing for his children.

You need a stop at source on his earnings. It won't back pay unfortunately. Take the asshole to court if you must. I can't stand men like this. How dare he?!

@milkysmum so so so unjust. Does he see the children much? I've had to go back full time in the past week as my part time wage wasn't stretching it by week two after pay day I was in my overdraft again. Its a good rise in salary but I've pretty much lost most of my UC. I just think it's disgusting these men can quite happily say they play a huge part in our children's lives but what do they do... Didley squat

@OMGISeeTheWayYouShine I know it's quite sad logging into the CMS account seeing how much our daughter is owed. 4k is nothing to him, he earns that in a month

I just manage my budget as if CMS isn't going to get me anything.
I started with 5 kids on my claim , had the £7 a week for a while then nothing for years.
Eventually got a DEO set up only for him to quit the job after the second payment.
This happened several times and now he owes my kids £10,000 and there's only one left on the claim , the rest are all adults.
I just use the money as treat money for my kids now if it gets paid as it's so rare it does.
The system is a joke they don't know where he is despite him having a national insurance number , a driving licence and a medical condition that needs regular treatment. Whatever !

My DSis ex pays £16 a month for their two DC. He expects an itemised list each month showing how she has spent the money. What a prince.

@Pebbledashery all the very best wishes to you and your child.and all the other Mumsnetters with asshole exes who don’t provide for their children.

@paintedpanda the grand sum of £16. Bloody cheek of it.

@schoolcook that's bloody awful. Honestly. Don't they feel any shame. My ex can't quit because he's got a ridiculously high rate mortgage on his house because he's dumb. So he'll most probably go self employed and cheat the tax man. B*stard.

@Pebbledashery I don't think shame enters his tiny brain.
He's had 2 more since that I know of and they don't get anything either.
As he was so violent and nasty (and it later transpired predatory to teenage girls) we at least have the luxury of being allowed nothing to do with him.
Every cloud !

@Pebbledashery Hope you don’t mind but I’ve asked for one of your posts to be deleted as it uses an offensive disabilist term which I’m sure you didn’t mean.

I’m sorry for your position. Men like this have no shame and do not deserve any part in their children’s lives.

Just to say I am going through this as well. Makes my blood boil!

Such a helpful post, Graphista, -

It would be interesting to hear if other mums have contacted HMRC if their ex is committing tax fraud?

Also, Gingerbread has a petition, I've signed it, to campaign for improvements in CM system including with regard to self employed paying parents.

@schoolcook is that what the Courts decided? he was to have no contact? x

@Graphista yes I have contacted my local MP also. just feel like it's a hard slog getting anywhere - you look at how much your children are owed and you know you'll never get it.
How long did it take you get the deduction of earnings order?
x

@Pebbledashery no he actually decided himself when I told my solicitor he'd been violent he just dropped his case for access.
It was confirmed by social services years later when he was wanted by police for offences against his stepdaughter. They told me under no circumstances to let him near my children.

@schoolcook bloody hell! that's really dark stuff.
Thank god he's not in their lives.. that's so so so awful.
What is wrong with these men!

@schoolcook has he tried to make contact with you at all?

@Pebbledashery no he's too busy hiding from everyone he's ever wronged (or owes money to).
Thankfully !

@schoolcook god - we do pick them don't we!
Hope the next person you with is the golden ticket and treats you as you deserve to be xx

@Pebbledashery thanks but I had one more relationship after that but between the two of them they convinced me that my happy ever after is firmly single