When your waste of space ex doesn't pay maintenance

[Pebbledashery]

How do you deal with getting through the whole month until next pay day supporting a house, all the bills, food shopping, and providing 100% financial support for a child???
My ex, wannabe Disney dad....Point blank refuses to pay a single penny of child maintenance towards our child because he's not allowed to see her. I logged into my account on CMS yesterday and he's £4k in arrears.. Ex is a higher earner and earns in excess of £75k from his day job.. The line of work he's in he also earns a lot on the side doing private work.
I mean, how do you cope financially? I will never learn to rely on this money once it starts being paid. He would rather be forced to pay then put himself through the pain of having to pay it into my bank account...that money is for her and only her and he can't bring himself to do it.

@Pebbledashery
After I finally kicked his ass out! I put up with the abuse for way too long, but he shagged another woman in MY car the night I went into Labour with my 14yr old. I decided enough was enough after giving birth.
He took his possessions only and it was 2yrs before I got a court letter through asking for visitation rights. He had met his now wife and wanted to prove how wonderful a dad he could be 🙄.
I had to diarise everything he ever did to me. I had doctors and police reports to back me up.
The court allows him every other Saturday at a supervised contact centre. After 6mths he wanted to go back to court for individual visits. The court only allowed him every other Saturday between 10-4.
He soon lost interest again after that!
As the children have got older, I’ve let them make their owns minds up and they haven’t seen him in 6yrs now.
I’ve met somebody else and got another child who is now 10. We see ourselves as a complete unit.
I do detest that they unfortunately have his surname. They have all said they want to change to mine as soon as they are 18.

[quote Pebbledashery]@TheFormerPorpentinaScamander absolutely awful. Does this cretin see his children?[/quote]
Not if he can help it. I think he's seen them 3x since lockdown ended and will use any excuse for why he can't. DC were meant to go there yesterday for ds2s birthday, but then his wife reminded him that they can't as they are already a house of 7, so can't see anyone else because of rule of 6. I pointed out that a. The rule doesn't apply in this scenario and b. She could piss off out for a few hours so he could see his dc. But no. That's unreasonable apparently
DC suggested they meet in the park halfway between our homes. He said no because the forecast said rain.
I suggested he drive here and drop the presents off (I'd even have been kind enough to make him a cup of tea). He said no because he has 5 other children to spend time with (he lives with them ffs) and his wife needed him at home because she finds it too hard being alone with them (the oldest 2 aren't his and are 17 and 19. So not exactly children. And no idea why they had 3 more if she can't cope).
Apparently the only way he could see them was if they cycled to his house (clearly the rain doesn't affect them) but they wouldn't be allowed in.
DS1 decided not to bother. DS2 decided Lego is worth getting wet for.
He wasnt even in when he got there because they "went for a walk in the woods". Fuck knows why they can do that when rain is forecast but not drive to the park

Ooops. Sorry. Got a bit ranty there.
TLDR: yes he sees them but only when its convenient to him.

@luanmapo what an absolute piece of work. Classy guy. Not.
I really hope my ex gives up. He's going down the parental alienation route... And also saying I'm mental and an unfit mother. Usual stuff.
I'm praying we get a magistrate that rips him apart.. My solicitor has advised me it's highly likely we'll get a district judge due to the severity of the abuse. My solicitor said to expect the very least which is supervised contact but she thinks we've got a good case for indirect contact as there's too many safeguarding risks. He was investigated by the police for child abuse..just can't believe these scumbags

@TheFormerPorpentinaScamander you can rant :).. He sounds like a pig. Just getting the children to fit in around him. And his wife can't even encourage him to see his children either. Stupid woman. Assume they have children together too as well?

Yep. They had 2 each, then went on to have 3 more together. Apparently because her ex doesn't pay anything for their 2, I shouldn't get anything either.
He's also told me its not his fault he has 5 other children to look after/pay for. Which is stupid in itself, but it was said in a tone that suggests it's my fault. If i (as a woman) managed to get his wife pregnant 5 times I'd be so rich I wouldn't need his maintenance

Lol he really is funny isn't he @TheFormerPorpentinaScamander. Think your kids will soon get tired of being second best which is really sad x

@Pebbledashery OMG well I should imagine you have a very good case then!
Mine too said I was mentally unstable! Urm not at all, just abused by him! He even said I swung a handbag at him once to try and prove I was an unfit parent 😂. But that’s all he had.
Good luck with everything and stay strong.

They already are tbh. DS only bothered to go for the lego. Which is an attitude I'd normally discourage but feel its justified in this instance

@luanmapo swung a handbag 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 That just says it all. We've had to flee and him not knowing where we are is being taken v seriously by the courts.. He's got a previous conviction for harassment and stalking also so contact puts us both at risk. You can't help but panic though.. He still has a small chance at getting contact simply because he's her father.

@luanmapo why was your ex not allowed the children overnight x

@TheFormerPorpentinaScamander haha the lego.. That made me smile 😊. Not even to see his father lol. I bet he thinks he's a wonderful dad lol.

@Pebbledashery They do it as a last attempt at controlling, I think. Luckily mine are old enough and astute enough to see through 80% of his bullshit. One of them can see 100% what he’s like and rarely sees him

This is my situation too. He is a high earner but I get nothing. He says he can’t afford to pay maintenance or buy me out of the house so I can have somewhere to live for me and DS. I don’t want anything from him I just want him to leave me alone.
I fear that he will take me to court for access to DS as he was abusive. I know that he can run up huge court costs and that I could be made to hand my child over to him.

@Pebbledashery he genuinely thinks he's dad of the century!
DC grow up and know who did and didn't do whatever. Mine know that I provide all the day to day stuff. I 'put my life on hold' (which I don't regret for a second) and always put them first.

They know which parent deserves a medal

@sally2791 they've got nothing else. Did you have the courts involved?

@Pebbledashery because my diarised list of abuse, police and doctor reports of the abuse proved that he was unable to be of a stable mind. As well as a long history of mental illness and the fact he didn’t care two hoots prior to wanting contact. The Judge didn’t take too kindly to all of it.
I would say all
Of what you have said regarding your ex and having a good lawyer in tow will stand you in good stead I’m sure. But it prob does depend on who is judge in the day.
It really is worth absolutely pleasing your case of everything which has happened to you and your child, as well as everything he has done prior and proving he is not of good character and responsible to take care of a child solely.
Trust should have to be proven, so I would insist on a supervised visitation at a place which caters for these things. Just to show you are absolutely not dismissing total contact, but that of ensuring he is being watched whilst that contact takes place: he will soon get fed up with that!

@Siablue are you still living with him? They really need to bring an order in place for abusive men not to do this via the courts system. You can clearly whose genuine and who isn't when it comes to family court. Did he abuse your child as well? I was told in no uncertain terms that courts don't care about domestic abuse between father and mother because it apparently doesn't affect parenting ability. Biggest load of crap

@luanmapo I pray we don't get a biased pro father judge.. I pray its one that will tear strips out of him.. I wish to God I had written a diary.. But what I do have is 232 pages of police records that document all the assaults. Multiple police call outs, the neighbours repeatedly called the police they gave several statements saying they heard him shout he would kill me.. We had SS intervention after the last incident. I self referred to a DV agency who referred us to MARAC, we had an appointed SW who in the end assisted us in fleeing and after that I was told to cut child contact because of he has an awful violent temper. The SW we had said she doesn't think contact will work in a contact centre because he's has friends stalk his ex partners and also pose as delivery men whilst he's waiting around the corner so he can barge in. He's 100% "got undiagnosed mental problems... The last assault he strangled me and looked me dead in the face whilst foaming at the mouth and said" why can't you just fING die you whre" so so wish I kept a diary.

OMG sounds horrific!
I didn’t keep a specific diary as such, my solicitor told me to put down in a rough order of dates what happened and when.
As you have a lot of police reports to back you up, you could perhaps compile a list of events as much as you can remember.

@luanmapo yes I was going to do that. I'm speaking to CAFCASS next week which I'm dreading.. Did you oppose contact because of his mental instability?

@Pebbledashery no they were old enough to say what they wanted. He was horrified that I went through CMS. He hadn’t offered anything, but said “we could have come to an arrangement “ - exactly what my solicitor said not to do,because he would not have paid, or changed it, etc.
He made up all sorts of crap about how he was the main caregiver, utter lies and nonsense. He also had been abusive to me in all categories.
I can’t begin to explain how much better and safe my life is now, and that the kids don’t experience his negativity and shouting every day. I would do without many things to be free and safe.

@Pebbledashery It sounds like you have had a dreadful time, so sorry

I opposed individual contact because he had never been interested in them whatsoever and why did he want it now?
He was always off with other women, never home. So knew he wouldn’t be able to provide for them properly, he was so unstable I was scared for their welfare and because of the abuse towards me, I didn’t know whether it would happen to them as well.

@sally2791 glad your kids can see through him. My daughter is only 2 and the court will decide for her :-(

@luanmapo so he was never allowed over night contact? Did he get interim contact after the FHDRA hearing? The SW said he would never get overnight contact based on the level of abused our daughter endured. He was also off with other women as well. I caught him cheating. He also refers to her as "my daughter" ALL THE TIME. I actually hope he says that during the cafcass appointment.