Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

15 years together - will he ever change?

46 replies

Jewdith88 · 27/10/2020 16:04

Hi, I am just wanting some relationship advice from an outsiders perspective that isn’t a friend or family member.

I have been with my partner for 15 years and we have two children. We have had some happy time’s but also some really really bad times. I have always stayed loyal and faithful and have always bent over backwards to make his life easy. He however has been known to cheat and has not always treat me very well especially during our younger years.
One thing that has always been a huge issue is our sex life. We have sex very often however when things don’t go his way or things don’t happen as and when he wants them to he has been known to massively lose his temper.
I will literally do anything that he wants me to sex wise however one thing I really do not enjoy is anal and it has now become a huge issue for us (well for him)
At one point he wanted it constantly all the time and I would do it Just to make him happy However I have never ever enjoyed it.
It’s got to a point now where I have said look I’m not completely ruling it out however I don’t want to do it often I would rather do it occasionally maybe a few time’s a year.
He is not happy with that and has said I am selfish and spiteful etc and that he wants it once a month or once every 2 months or basically he doesn’t want to be with me.

What are people’s opinion on this? Am I being selfish not wanting to do something often that I honestly don’t enjoy and is he been selfish by trying to force this on me or is he right and am I been selfish for not doing what he wants?

OP posts:
PatriciaHolm · 27/10/2020 16:07

He sounds horrible. No-one has any right to behave like this to anyone, about anything, especially not something sexual.

What he's essentially saying is that he doesn't care that you don't want it. Your wants don't matter to him.

And he's a cheat.

I would run a mile.

PixelatedLunchbox · 27/10/2020 16:09

Leave this man. He is not a decent human being. And no, he will not change. Fifteen years of your life is enough. That selfish and spiteful comment? It's projection. He's the selfish spiteful one. Don't waste any more of your life.

EternalOptimist7 · 27/10/2020 16:10

OP that’s awful! He clearly doesn’t think very much of you at all & is out for himself. You deserve way better!

Justcallmebebes · 27/10/2020 16:24

I suggest you buy the biggest dildo you can find and next time he demands anal, whip it out and insist he's the recipient. Bet he won't fancy it too much then! My very first LTB. He's vile and you are far from selfish

thisgardenlife · 27/10/2020 16:26

This is totally unacceptable. I agree with Pixelated: you need to leave this man as soon as you can. Don't waste any more of your life, he will not change.

WinWinnieTheWay · 27/10/2020 16:28

He won't change.

Purplewithred · 27/10/2020 16:32

Why on earth would he change for the better? If he loved you or had any respect for you he wouldn't be forcing you to do anal when you don't want to.

He's horrible. Leave him.

Original poster
Jewdith88 · 27/10/2020 16:35

After 15 years of being with him it’s so scary thinking of having a life without him. As silly as that sounds!
We split up last year for about 6 months and ended up back together because I hated it, I hated the thought of him being with someone else and I was so anxious about being without him.

But deep down I also know that being with him isn’t making me completely happy either 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/10/2020 16:38

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

He won't change and you will need to consider in the longer term why you have acted as you have done with regards to him. Are you really only together now too because of the children?. This relationship was really over the first time he cheated.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up? All this, "I have always stayed loyal and faithful and have always bent over backwards to make his life easy" and for a cheat who is not above now trying to coerce you sexually makes you sound like a fool. He is not and has never been worthy of you.

DefinitelyPossiblyMaybe · 27/10/2020 16:39

I find these threads (and there have been a few lately) really upsetting. He doesn't love you OP and you shouldn't do anything you don't want to do during sex. Anal sex can cause damage e.g. tears, fistulas, haemorrhoids, prolapse, which you would have to suffer, not him. A decent partner would never coerce a woman into a sex act they didn't want to do. I'm sorry but I think your relationship is dead in the water.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/10/2020 16:41

People get bogged down by focusing on their sunk costs (as you are doing now). Do not further let that be you.

Would you want your children as adults to have a relationship like this, no you would not. You would want better for them and you should demand better for your own self going forward. You and he should not be together any more.

Conkergame · 27/10/2020 16:57

OP that was really sad to read. He is awful to you. You deserve so much better but I think you know that deep down. Yes it’s scary being on your own but at least when you’re single you have the chance of meeting a good man. Whilst you stay with this one you’re guaranteed a bad relationship Sad and no of course he won’t change.

Why would you care about someone else being with him? You should just feel sorry for them as then they’ll be receiving the same horrible treatment that you are now.

Take care of yourself

SoulofanAggron · 27/10/2020 16:57

Almost all the power in this relationship is in his hands. Don't do what he wants so much of the time in life.

As to sexual coercion and him threatening to leave if you don't do stuff as often as he wants it- you would be best to be the one who throws him out for this manipulative abuse. Take back control.

Bunnymumy · 27/10/2020 17:08

You do know that the reason he wants anal more is because he knows you don't want it right?

It's all about control.

He is a horrible human being and I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire let alone stay with him. Co incidentally, he wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire either... because he enjoys your suffering.

widespreadpanic · 27/10/2020 17:29

Im baffled at how many men throw temper tantrums when they don’t get or are refused anal sex. It’s baffling. I really believe it has to be a character flaw or something.

I don’t care if you have been with him 5, 15, 50 years...he’s not worth one more year with him. He’s selfish and not worth your time.

SoulofanAggron · 27/10/2020 17:35

You do know that the reason he wants anal more is because he knows you don't want it right?

@Bunnymumy Ugh! I suppose some of them will be like that. Sad They also can get hung up on wanting/getting certain things and do anything they can to try and get their lovers to provide them.

Im baffled at how many men throw temper tantrums when they don’t get or are refused anal sex. It’s baffling.

@widespreadpanic It can be any sexual act, or just if they're not getting sex when they want it. It's not baffling if you see it as the popular male belief that they're entitled to women's bodies, especially that of their partners/lovers.

user183684257424 · 27/10/2020 17:40

He's an abuser. And coerced sex (what you're describing) is rape.

Have a look at the Freedom Programme course.

Etinox · 27/10/2020 17:50

This is so sad.
He won’t change.
“ What are people’s opinion on this? Am I being selfish not wanting to do something often that I honestly don’t enjoy and is he been selfish by trying to force this on me or is he right and am I been selfish for not doing what he wants?”
Do you honestly think you’re being selfish?

AnnaMagnani · 27/10/2020 17:56

He's essentially saying everything about the relationship - the time you spend together, your personality, your love, the meals you make him, the effort you make in the house, spending time together with your lovely children, seeing them grow up - doesn't mean as much to him as fucking an unwilling person in the arse once a week.

I mean, what kind of person is he?

Would you want either of your children to grow up to be in a relationship like this? Obviously not and neither should you be in one. You are worth much much more than this.

Ging7878 · 27/10/2020 21:49

Omg. This is actually horrific. I understand that you have been together for a long time and the prospect of a different life is scary but you really need to end this god awful relationship! His behaviour is appalling. He doesn't care about you or your pleasure at all and is using you like a piece of meat. I think he needs a blow up doll that has no emotions. Please have a good think on this. Do you want your next 15 years to be like this? He sounds like a total scumbag.

Quartz2208 · 27/10/2020 22:38

It’s got to a point now where I have said look I’m not completely ruling it out however I don’t want to do it often I would rather do it occasionally maybe a few time’s a year.
He is not happy with that and has said I am selfish and spiteful etc and that he wants it once a month or once every 2 months or basically he doesn’t want to be with me.

Look at what you have said to him - you have said you arent ruling it out and are happy with a few times a year. He has said he isnt happy and is demanding it once every 2 months. Which would be 6 or a few times a year.

The fact is you actually were offering him what he wanted and it still wasnt enough - he had to have it on his terms, and his power and his control. And always hanging over you.

You are already doing everything else he wants - and it still isnt enough. And it wont be OP until he completely destroys you.

Scared of a life without him doesnt sound silly - he has controlled and dominated you for so long. But I dont think you are happy.

Why were you anxious without him? Is it because you are so used to him being in control

Whatabambam · 27/10/2020 22:39

OP, please, please, please accept my very first LTB. What a deceitful, manipulative and bullying prick. You should never ever have sex just to placate him. You should never ever feel bullied into doing sexual acts which you don't enjoy. This is not a healthy relationship and you deserve much better. He, on the other hand, deserves a large unlubricated dildo up his hairy arse.

HollowTalk · 27/10/2020 22:47

That feeling when you think of leaving him is just a fear of the unknown. He's a really awful man and you should leave him.

Dashel · 27/10/2020 22:54

Life could be so much better. How could you handle the split better going forward? Maybe look at what you could do differently post break up, contacting friends and family more, get a hobby, exercise, cat etc

He needs to go, he is a selfish arse and you deserve better. No one should do any sex act that they don’t want to, it’s horrible

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 27/10/2020 23:06

My heart is pounding reading this. He's treating you like a sex slave. This is my first LTB too. Do it and get some real life support.