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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

15 years together - will he ever change?

46 replies

Jewdith88 · 27/10/2020 16:04

Hi, I am just wanting some relationship advice from an outsiders perspective that isn’t a friend or family member.

I have been with my partner for 15 years and we have two children. We have had some happy time’s but also some really really bad times. I have always stayed loyal and faithful and have always bent over backwards to make his life easy. He however has been known to cheat and has not always treat me very well especially during our younger years.
One thing that has always been a huge issue is our sex life. We have sex very often however when things don’t go his way or things don’t happen as and when he wants them to he has been known to massively lose his temper.
I will literally do anything that he wants me to sex wise however one thing I really do not enjoy is anal and it has now become a huge issue for us (well for him)
At one point he wanted it constantly all the time and I would do it Just to make him happy However I have never ever enjoyed it.
It’s got to a point now where I have said look I’m not completely ruling it out however I don’t want to do it often I would rather do it occasionally maybe a few time’s a year.
He is not happy with that and has said I am selfish and spiteful etc and that he wants it once a month or once every 2 months or basically he doesn’t want to be with me.

What are people’s opinion on this? Am I being selfish not wanting to do something often that I honestly don’t enjoy and is he been selfish by trying to force this on me or is he right and am I been selfish for not doing what he wants?

OP posts:

Techway · 27/10/2020 23:31

Another first time LTB.

It is horrendous to read this. Do you have any family support?

billy1966 · 27/10/2020 23:33

Horrific to read.

You are nothing to him, but someone to meet his needs.

Nasty scum.

You need to reach out for support.
Women's Aid can help you see how awful your situation is.

He is scum.

Ohtannenbaumohtannenbaum · 27/10/2020 23:38

I feel really affected by your post, my stomach twisted as I read it.

I'm so so sorry that you're in this situation. You need to see that you are worth do much more.

You are being manipulated and coerced into doing sex acts that you do not want to do. You may think that as you are in a relationship that it isn't rape, but it is.

He has no respect for you.

You say you hated the thought of him being with someone else when you split up, but you've said he's a known cheat - so he's being with other people anyway.

Please please please leave this disgusting human being. What he is doing - going off on one, calling you spiteful, manipulating you - is abuse. It is abuse plain and simple.

MMmomDD · 27/10/2020 23:42

Oh god. I was expecting some sort of - would he ever pull his weight, or listen to me, or anything really but what I just read.
And initial reaction to what I expected - of course not - no one really changes after 15 years.

But what I read is just horrible. It’s like you have Stockholm syndrome and lost any perspective of what’s normal and what’s abusive.
Good you found some strength to push back.
Now you need to find a lot more to put an end to this. This isn’t a way to live.

PickAChew · 27/10/2020 23:43

If you don't want to do it then he is raping you, even if you do it to shut him up. He seems to not give a shit that you are not fully consenting and no, he will not change.

His general behaviour is that if a pathetic excuse for a man who feels entitled to stick his dick wherever he wants, including in other women. He is not a keeper.

SandyY2K · 27/10/2020 23:49

He's a cheater
He's selfish
He's sexually coercive
He's manipulative
He's a bully
He doesn't respect you

Would you want a child of yours to be in this position?

I would suggest you get some therapy.

Remember this

The person who cares the least in a relationship holds the most power

EarthSight · 27/10/2020 23:50

am I been selfish for not doing what he wants?

If you need to ask this, you need to see a psychologist so you can make sense of it. Please preserve your safety and wellbeing by leaving this man. I don't think he loves you. He just repeatedly treats you with disrespect. There's not much more to say beyond that.

llamalana · 28/10/2020 01:23

I have never been more sure of a LTB response.
Has he ever had anal forced/coerced upon him? I do wonder how many hetero men accept anal dildos or actual penises regularly inserted up them vs how many expect their wives/girlfriends/partners to go down this road regularly despite not wanting to. I know some enjoy but if they didn't would they go along with it to please you?
Is this the sort of marriage you would wish for your daughter or a bff?

Sakurami · 28/10/2020 01:43

Get a vibrator and shove it up his arse every month and see how he likes it.

What a dick

caringcarer · 28/10/2020 05:16

No matter what you offer him it will never be enough. He enjoys having power over you and degrading you. Only a moron would insist on fucking their wife up the arse when she has clearly stated she did not enjoy it. Even then you were willing to offer to suffer it for him. Yet he demands it every month. Before long it will be every week. All this shows is that he does not care about your feelings or love you. And he has cheated on you too. You should never have taken him back. You future would be so much brighter without him. Think this...if your dd or sister was in a relationship like this what would you advise her? You would advise them to leave. You are just as valuable as they are. Take your own advise and leave him. No matter what any good qualities he may have what he is doing to you is disgusting, blackmailing you into anal sex that you don't want or enjoy and if you continue with it you do know you will likely have problems holding shit in as you get older right?

AnyFucker · 28/10/2020 06:31

No.

But you can, and must. Get some help to figure out why staying with an abusive man is all you feel you deserve

C8H10N4O2 · 28/10/2020 08:22

After 15 years of being with him it’s so scary thinking of having a life without him. As silly as that sounds!

Can you face another 30 with him?

You are being sexually and emotionally abused. Talk to one of the agencies who offer initial phone support, let them help you get a sense of what is normal again.

grapewine · 28/10/2020 08:54

This is one of the saddest things I have read on here in a long time. Agree with PP that you seem to have Stockholm Syndrome. He sounds so awful. Please seek real life support to leave ASAP and then therapy to work through your trauma so you can have the life you deserve with your children.

What a horrendous human he sounds.

IEat · 28/10/2020 09:04

You should be able to say, and feel safe saying no and the other person should accept this and not behave the way he does. It isn't for everyone. I would leave a relationship over this.

AnotherSlice · 28/10/2020 09:46

OP, it sounds a very unhealthy relationship.

Nothing about any sex activity should ever be against someone’s will or co-erced. It is chilling that he enjoys sex that he knows you are hating, and is prepared to blackmail you into it.

I know it is hard to give up the dream, give up the idea that he will change, and to not see the end of a relationship as a rejection. In your shoes I would consider counselling: professional support to look at why you hang on to an unhealthy abusive relationship, and gain the insight and strength to leave this relationship on your terms, feeling strong about it and looking to your future.

Simple answer: no, he won’t change.

Nanny0gg · 28/10/2020 09:51

I can't address the sex side. Everyone already has. It's horrific.

But where are your children in this? How does he treat them? Do they see the contempt with which he treats you?

Please contact Women's aid. You need help to get away and stay away.

NotYourDawg · 28/10/2020 11:14

I suggest you buy the biggest dildo you can find and next time he demands anal, whip it out and insist he's the recipient.

My partner isn't abusive but has attempted several times to get things started, anally speaking. It makes my stomach turn just the thought of it. At first I just said, no. After the 3rd time I actually said "tell you what, let's get a replica of your erect penis made and if you let me shove that up your arse hole, I'll let you shove yours up mine"

Funnily enough he backed down and hasn't mentioned it since.

Ninkanink · 28/10/2020 11:21

Only read the OP as it tells me everything I need to know.

He’s a nasty, horrible, misogynistic man.

No, he won’t ever change. This is who he is.

You need to leave this relationship.

Ninkanink · 28/10/2020 11:23

If you cannot leave for your own sake you need to leave for the sake of your children.

LilyLongJohn · 28/10/2020 11:27

He's an abusive, horrid, selfish, self centred excuse for a human! Leave him, it'll be the single best thing you will ever do with your life

nosswith · 28/10/2020 17:45

You don't want to do anal, you should never do it. Awful man.

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