Why do people seemingly flock to this friend?

[Florenceish]

I have a 'friend' whom I may message once or twice a year from university.
We used to be close.
We've both had children now and we're in our late thirties. Both of us have struggled with depression on and off since having children; she is quite vocal about this on SM, where as I only tell a select few. She talks about her problems but clearly has no time to listen to mine on our messages.
In general life, she is like a caricature, hilarious, has lots of interests and a brimming social life despite the depression. My social life has dwindled to nothing and I'm not interesting or outgoing anymore at all.
Now and then she will post that she's struggling and tons of friends will reach out to her on SM offering all sorts of help She often posts a thankyou to her friends for doing different things for her too- childcare, nights out, lifts to work, meals cooked for her, one friend even decorated her house for free.
I'm always hugely envious of the help and support she gets, I don't even have the support of my parents around me and I'm going through divorse. I'm also a little angry too. At university, I was thrown out by my parents and had nowhere to stay, suffered with depression etc and she ghosted me at the time. I'd also known at this time, that she'd ghosted another friend for "not being any fun anymore" after she was going through a tough time.
I have never known her help anyone else since I've known her. She has always ditched friends and made friends based on what they can offer her. She doesn't help others the way they help her, she has always found any weakness in other humans off-putting. So why is she getting all this support when she's struggling and I'm not?
I've always helped my friends, lent money, done their shopping if they're sick, took care of their kids, sent flowers when a family member has passed away. She isn't interested in helping others at all. We even had a small group of friends and they seemingly chose her over me when she ghosted me at university.
So, is this how to earn supportive friendships through being funny? Is this where I'm going wrong?
I'm having a bit of a low day and I keep thinking about it, I know I shouldn't compare, but I can't help it.

*divorce

What you are describing OP is in fact her using people, rather than having people willing to help and support her. You will probably find that people don't offer these things, but rather she asks/demands them. I also very much doubt she does anything to reciprocate.

You're not getting what you need from this friendship. Mute her on SM and ignore her.

No advice I'm afraid, but from what you describe you sound like someone who gives quietly whilst she sounds like someone who takes loudly. I know its you I would prefer the company of.

Also to mention, shortly after university, a couple of friends had babies. She didn't like this at all and would mock them for taking too many pictures of their children and putting them on SM. She even said that she would delete anyone from SM who had a profile picture of a child.
She does exactly this with her own children now.

Just block her on social media. She’s not been a good friend to you and you don’t seem to like her (understandably).

Your making yourself miserable with envy when you are only seeing a curated rose-tinted view of her life on sm (cliche but true).

Some people seem to be more attached to people who treat them badly than well to answer your actual question . Like if a charismatic person acts like their better than them they can’t help seeking their approval.

If I'm honest, I used to seek her approval a lot when we were friends, always subconsciously worried that I'd be next to be ghosted. And always flattered when she was choosing my company over others. Perhaps this is why her friends now flock to help her; I remember a male friend we had who was in awe of her. I really liked him and wanted to be good friends with him, but I could always tell when she was going "off" me as he would begin to go off me too!

She's making you feel rotten about yourself, she would be toast on sm to me. It's not helping you seeing her so honestly just avoid seeing her life on a screen

Narcs are often charismatic, get themselves positioned as an alpha, dominant, very good at manipulating etc.

I always think about the woman who managed to oust the original leaders/spokespeople of the group for survivors and relative's of victims of 9 11.

Shev turned out to be a pathological liar and clearly has a personality disorder but she entered, dominated, got control of that group and was their apparently loved and respectable spokeswomen for a good while.

Many people are dumb monkeys, what can you say.

People do suffer depression in different ways, and just because she is putting on this front it doesn't mean she isn't suffering.

She sounds like she isn't worth being friends with. Friends should lift you up and make you feel good. Time to move on from her I think.

She’s a queen bee type that’s all, you can’t change her or the way people respond to her, don’t give her too much headspace or you’ll drive yourself crazy.

When you’re struggling do you reach out for help? Some people (and I’m one of them) are very good at giving the impression everything is okay when it’s really not. It’s worth remembering that people like helping other people, no one likes the idea that their friend is struggling, but they can’t help if they don’t know help is needed.

To look at this from another perspective - I'm the flocker to the same type of friend you describe. I never offer, she asks/demands every time. I can't get out of her requests/demands/asks.. eg the other day she asked me to print something for her. Sure .. then I see its a 50 page document and parts need securing together as its a legal document. She knew I had the time to do it and that I had nothing else planned that day, so how could I say no i don't wanna do it simply because its ANOTHER ask/I can't be arsed/she takes the piss. I don't seem to have any excuses to not do stuff for her - I can't say nah sorry I can't be arsed and you take the piss asking me to do so much.

One day I will probably collapse from the strain of all her asks. She never asks her other friends, she knows my availability and that I have a lot of it because of my home/work set up. I have 3 DS2 have SEN, DH has poor mental health, I work 6 days a week, I run the home/our lives. I am on the verge of a breakdown from all the put ons and asks

I know someone exactly like this. It's bizarre. I don't understand how other people don't see what I see. She calculating and manipulative, but she has a sort of cheerful charisma that make people want to be around her and to please her. She's somehow perceived as almost the opposite of what she is.

I've given up, really. I just try to have as little to do with her as I can, and although she's a Facebook friend, I unfollowed her for my own mental health, so I don't see anything she posts on her page any more. I suggest you do the same.

@Itsasecret85, if you haven’t done it yet tell her your printer cartridge has run out. If you have done it she needs to reimburse you for the paper and the ink, neither come cheap. If she’d printed that in a commercial place it would have been quite expensive.

I have a friend a bit like this. But there is a payoff to helping her so that’s partly why people do it eg she is outgoing and fun and she is the one who organises all the social events. It’s best to keep her on side.

Also if she needs something doing, she might ask about five people before one says yes and it’s not the same people helping all the time. In other words all these people know what she is like and might help out from time to time but they are not complete mugs.

Love. You sound like me.

But I absolutely know who I’d rather have as a friend...

You. Not her.

You’re a good person, you’re genuine and authentic and that’s brilliant. Truly valuable.

Be proud of you, please. You’re worth that and more

It’s called ‘fake book’ for a reason

And she is a user.

She’s no friend - to you and probably to no one else either

Personally I’d unfollow her.

Well, you’ve now got a load of strangers calling her names and a user, so you don’t sound that nice yourself. People deal with depression in different ways, she’s not forcing anyone to help her out so what’s it to you?

As harsh as this sounds, you come over as rather negative, envious and possibly not much fun. I also don't see any particular kindness or generosity towards others in what you have written.

Your friend may not be a stellar human being, but I suspect she is entertaining and charming enough that people are willing (consciously or unconsciously) to overlook her faults because basically she brings something to the table. She also sounds good at engaging with people, whether it is done for her own advantage or not.

Rather than comparing yourself to her, it might be worth thinking about how you can better connect with the people around you so that you can build a stronger and more supportive network.

I've known a few people like this and one was even a best friend - she made me feel like shit about myself till one day she told me about her psychiatrist date (high level consultant) who told her he father had narcissistic personality disorder (after hearing about it in detail no doubt). Something just clicked and I googled if it was hereditary. It was. I ghosted her and have been so much happier since.

But she spread some terrible rumours about me - I don't see those people so don't care. So I'd say detach but do it discreetly, eh stop following her on Facebook (you can stop seeing her posts but not unfriend her).

And go and get help for your own untreated depression and try snd build your own life up a little more.

People like this are usually quite dangerous. So keep her away from you, and look after yourself. Her happy life isn't amazing though, I promise.

Itsasecret85 - you're going to have to toughen up, otherwise she'll break you.

Maybe practice some responses like 'didn't realise it was 50 pages - my printers not got enough ink for that', 'I've got a lot on at the moment, so cant help'.

And dont agree to anything immediately without knowing full details of what she's asking. Or try using the Mumsnet classic 'That doesn't work for me'. You sound like you have a very busy, stressful life. If your 'friend' has a habit of making unreasonable demands of you, then you need to tell her no until she learns to stop

I agree it's charisma. It has high currency even if the person underneath is selfish or even cruel. It astounds me how many people overlook the nastiness in order to get with the "cool friend" but it happens all the time, even going back for more if they get stung themselves. What can I say? People are just drawn to charismatic, fun, confident individuals. (Sometimes these folk can be genuinely lovely too of course.)

I know a few people like this. I keep them at arms length. I do see the attraction. One of them is very outgoing, witty, always draws a crowd. But he can also be quite cutting and hurtful, but gets away with it because he's so "hilarious". If anyone makes a barbed comment about him though he's really obviously upset and offended and everyone flicks around to comfort him and tell him how fab he is.

These people are good at manipulating people, they arent afraid to use people to get what they want and are very skilled in doing so without people noticing that they are being either emotionally blackmailed or manipulated into helping our ect, people like you care what people think and will probably not ask for help, so you dont put people out.

From your description of her brimming social life I think it’s pretty clear she puts a lot of effort into her friendships and other relationships, so people are willing to do more for her. People won’t just endlessly go out of their way to do stuff for someone who isn’t talking to them regularly and giving them something in return, even if it’s just good company.

Also you don’t know her well enough to know whether she does do things for others, plenty of people give to others and don’t crow about it. Clearly whatever her relationship to this circle of friends works for her and them.

You so sound quite bitter and very jealous, I think it would benefit you to stop following her and keeping tabs, it sounds almost unhealthy tbh that you have amassed this much info about her and her friendships and whatnot.

At the end of the day you have to ask yourself: what’s it to me? It doesn’t affect me. That’s her life. This is mine. Am I happy? If not, what can I do about it? Focus on your own stuff instead of glaring bitterly at others.

Sharww yes, but I think this is a symptom of the op’s depression. If she was feeling better herself this wouldn’t bother her.

Well there are two issues here. What she's like, and how dissatisfied you seem with yourself.

Try not to mix them up.