Why do people seemingly flock to this friend?

[Florenceish]

I have a 'friend' whom I may message once or twice a year from university.
We used to be close.
We've both had children now and we're in our late thirties. Both of us have struggled with depression on and off since having children; she is quite vocal about this on SM, where as I only tell a select few. She talks about her problems but clearly has no time to listen to mine on our messages.
In general life, she is like a caricature, hilarious, has lots of interests and a brimming social life despite the depression. My social life has dwindled to nothing and I'm not interesting or outgoing anymore at all.
Now and then she will post that she's struggling and tons of friends will reach out to her on SM offering all sorts of help She often posts a thankyou to her friends for doing different things for her too- childcare, nights out, lifts to work, meals cooked for her, one friend even decorated her house for free.
I'm always hugely envious of the help and support she gets, I don't even have the support of my parents around me and I'm going through divorse. I'm also a little angry too. At university, I was thrown out by my parents and had nowhere to stay, suffered with depression etc and she ghosted me at the time. I'd also known at this time, that she'd ghosted another friend for "not being any fun anymore" after she was going through a tough time.
I have never known her help anyone else since I've known her. She has always ditched friends and made friends based on what they can offer her. She doesn't help others the way they help her, she has always found any weakness in other humans off-putting. So why is she getting all this support when she's struggling and I'm not?
I've always helped my friends, lent money, done their shopping if they're sick, took care of their kids, sent flowers when a family member has passed away. She isn't interested in helping others at all. We even had a small group of friends and they seemingly chose her over me when she ghosted me at university.
So, is this how to earn supportive friendships through being funny? Is this where I'm going wrong?
I'm having a bit of a low day and I keep thinking about it, I know I shouldn't compare, but I can't help it.

If in good periods she is outgoing and social and fun, then people will want to spend time with her. And when she is having a hard time, the same people will be there to help her. That's just how social interactions work. If you want people to help you, you have to offer them something in return. She offers fun in return for helping her out.

I have a friend a bit like this. But there is a payoff to helping her so that’s partly why people do it eg she is outgoing and fun and she is the one who organises all the social events. It’s best to keep her on side.
///\
This. I can only think this is the reason why I'm a flocker. Her house is the party house when her DD is at her dad's. She's drawn together several of her individual friends and we sometimes meet up in a group. She's the queen bee of it all and lavishes in it, everything is arranged through her as she is the central connection point.
I bat so many asks away, I'm sure its obvious I just don't want to do stuff/ help out.at times. I even have her days off from her DD marked on my calendar so I know when she may ask me to do stuff/days I need to avoid making plans for. I'm a wall flower I know, but without her I have no social life. None what so ever.
Sorry OP no help at all but gives some perspective from a (pathetic) flocker.

I’ve got a friend like this who is a bit of a user. However she is also witty and lively and regularly arranges things that lots of people go to (and do the catering for)
I’m always a bit worried about arranging things in case no one wants to come.
So although I can see her faults I do overlook them as I get something out of the relationship.

It's not just about what she's like.

It's about what her "friends" tend to be like.

Very often, people like your friend seek out vulnerable people, target and exploit them. It's not a healthy relationship. Bluntly, a confident, psychologically healthy person won't stick around to be exploited in a one-sided "friendship" and won't hang there waiting for approval.

@Itsasecret85

To look at this from another perspective - I'm the flocker to the same type of friend you describe. I never offer, she asks/demands every time. I can't get out of her requests/demands/asks.. eg the other day she asked me to print something for her. Sure .. then I see its a 50 page document and parts need securing together as its a legal document. She knew I had the time to do it and that I had nothing else planned that day, so how could I say no i don't wanna do it simply because its ANOTHER ask/I can't be arsed/she takes the piss. I don't seem to have any excuses to not do stuff for her - I can't say nah sorry I can't be arsed and you take the piss asking me to do so much. One day I will probably collapse from the strain of all her asks. She never asks her other friends, she knows my availability and that I have a lot of it because of my home/work set up. I have 3 DS2 have SEN, DH has poor mental health, I work 6 days a week, I run the home/our lives. I am on the verge of a breakdown from all the put ons and asks

@Itsasecret85 Please look at what an agreeable person is, (psychological term). I'm not a psychologist but I think you really fit that and you're suffering. You will become resentful and very stressed. You probably haven't practiced having conflict enough.

A lot of people are cheeky and push boundaries and it's bloody annoying.

I can't say nah sorry I can't be arsed and you take the piss asking me to do so much

Oh YES you can. Absolutely. You just don't want to handle the aftermath of it. Look, if you really think that someone is taking the piss, then that confidence will carry you through, and it's a useful way of getting rid of unpleasant people from your life who will exhaust you. It's not nice, it's likely to raise your heart rate, but don't agonise over it.

Imagine you were driving in a car. Would you stop the car, come out, and examine every single pebble in the road???? NO. You would drive over them. You will likely feel it, it might be a bit bumpy, but you will carry on. This is the same. People also take their emotional lead from you. If you say it in a painful, or angry way, the will most likely respond with the same tone. If you say it in a calm, detached way, or laughed it off with 'No you cheeky bugger', they are more likely to accept your no. Also, you shouldn't' be concerned about losing friends who are depleting you or taking the piss.

What I meant by 'not nice' by the way, is that it probably won't feel nice. It will probably feel tense and nerve wracking for you. I didn't mean 'not moral ' or 'not ethical', and don't listen to manipulative attempts to make you feel guilty for not giving them what they want!

OP, I wouldn't give a shit about this friend. Lots of people are either not very bright or they are simply followers, sheep. Many people are also a poor judge of character. If they want to be friends with her, let them. If it works out for them then great, but if it doesn't it's their loss not yours. People's behaviour is often not logical.

@Itsasecret85

I have a friend a bit like this. But there is a payoff to helping her so that’s partly why people do it eg she is outgoing and fun and she is the one who organises all the social events. It’s best to keep her on side. /\/\/\ This. I can only think this is the reason why I'm a flocker. Her house is the party house when her DD is at her dad's. She's drawn together several of her individual friends and we sometimes meet up in a group. She's the queen bee of it all and lavishes in it, everything is arranged through her as she is the central connection point. I bat so many asks away, I'm sure its obvious I just don't want to do stuff/ help out.at times. I even have her days off from her DD marked on my calendar so I know when she may ask me to do stuff/days I need to avoid making plans for. I'm a wall flower I know, but without her I have no social life. None what so ever. Sorry OP no help at all but gives some perspective from a (pathetic) flocker.

You might be a flocker, but your relationship seems extremely shallow or surface based. Do you care about her? Would you be there for her in a crisis. Is she only able to ask people for favours because she feels like she has to do a huge social service for everyone else? I'd like to know what she really wants and feels.

If you're funny, chatty, witty, sociable etc, you can get away with murder and will have friends no matter what. That's just the way life seems to be.

I think people 'flock' to me but I am not sure why tbh. I didn't really know that it was unusual to have many friends and lots of interactions on SM until my ex (introvert) DP pointed it out. It is unusual the kind of people that are interesting to others isn't it? I think I talk loads of nonsense generally because I am so bored but others think my off the cuff thoughts interesting I am not a user though btw and never ask anyone to do anything for me. I would be horrified if people thought about me in the same way you think about your friend. Do you think she is just oblivious in how she comes across OP and is just getting in with life best she can?

@EarthSight - seriously? Yes I care very much about her... but the asks are constant in an already hectic and pressed full on life i have. I've been there for her in many a crises, I've rearranged my day/plans in times of her crises. I have never asked her for anything. She has said to me at times that she's helped people out and expects the favour returned at some point. We have such a laugh together, I have never laughed as much with any other friend... but the asks are just getting too much. I don't have the mental capacity/time/ energy to fulfill them all, but still I fulfill all of them

@Itsasecret85 Hmmm.....so that sounds transactional then. I would be reluctant to receive help from someone like that because I would know it would make them feel like they can ask you for things they shouldn't, at times they shouldn't.

If you start saying 'no', she's probably not going to like it. If she is the type of person to regularly cross boundries and not think how it affects others others (because she feels entitled) she is going to like it even less. She may sulk or be then unwilling to do anything at all for you in order to punish you. If you have fears that this would seriously happen, she's probably not a real friend - just an entertaining, if not draining person in your life. You can say no to her requests, but you have to be prepared that the 'no' might expose the true nature of your relationship. Mind you, she might also sulk for a while and then quickly get over it. Wouldn't that be nice?! :)

She'll always have people willing to do stuff for her. She'll have to find new ones from time to time though as they'll all get sick of her using them.

Block and avoid. No flouncing but just fade into the wallpaper and don't engage.

I find it really difficult to ask people for help. I wonder if you are the same OP, and you have said as much Itsasecret.

Asking for help can feel very vulnerable. The flip side is (according to Brené Brown) that if you hold judgement about recieving help, then you also hold judgement about giving help.

I was also listening to an audible original recording
(free for members) by Mel Robbins this week about Toxic people/behaviour. And she gave an example about someone's behaviour was driving her crazy, and asked the question who's behaviour was more toxic, the person whose behaviour she didn't like, or her for secretly resenting the behaviour but not telling the friend to stop?

Really thought provoking.

I'm not saying that the OP's uni friend is definitely not a user, but maybe she just knows how to ask for help and isn't ashamed to. Maybe that's not a bad skill to learn.

And maybe Itsasecret, you need to learn how to set your own boundaries and say no. If you keep saying yes, you are training your friend to keep asking because she doesn't know that it is a problem!

I'm not judging - I tend to be on the "hard to ask for help" and "hard to say no" side myself, but maybe it's a dynamic we can change rather than a fault of the other person.