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Original poster

Engagement

41 replies

Fluttershy90 · 26/10/2020 22:34

My partner and I have been together for 7 years and have 2 kids. Aged 4 and 3. He still has not proposed and seems to have no interest in doing so. I have been very open about the fact that I'd like to get married but he just doesn't seem interested in the conversation. I'm starting to worry that there is more to why he hasn't proposed. Maybe I'm over thinking it but is this weird? Everyone around me is either engaged or married now.

OP posts:
notdawn · 26/10/2020 22:38

I would just ask him?

But could it be bad memories of marriage growing up, cost of the ring or wedding, complacency has he already has the family life with you?

tobedtoMNandfart · 26/10/2020 23:08

I just don't get this. You have 2 children with him but you'd rather wait and wonder than discuss it with him...?

widespreadpanic · 26/10/2020 23:52

You have to be direct and ask. Just talking about it in passing with no specific deadlines is not going to work.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 27/10/2020 00:01

A few questions OP:

Why do you want to get married?

Do you/he understand the implications of being married or not when it comes to splitting up further down the line, if one of you became ill or died etc? Do you own property together?

Are you looking for a big wedding, or is it just the actual marriage part that’s important?

Do your DC have his surname?

BlueThistles · 27/10/2020 00:04

why would he bother proposing ?

let me guess... you gave the children His surname .. so you're the one left out of the family ? 🌺

Famousinlove · 27/10/2020 01:44

Im guessing from his point of view he has nothing to gain from marrying you?

flowersrain · 27/10/2020 06:13

Have you asked him?

AgentJohnson · 27/10/2020 06:31

If marriage is so important to you, why have you left it in the hands of someone else and abandoned your leverage by having kids first? Buying into the ‘I must be proposed to’ bullshit has brought you here. Stop waiting and start telling.

Shoxfordian · 27/10/2020 06:34

Don't just wait around hoping
Ask him directly if he wants to marry you

I really hope the dc have a double barrelled name at least

Weddingin2021 · 27/10/2020 06:43

Just ask. Personally I think that when you have DC it's a bit silly to wait for a proposal. Just get it done

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 27/10/2020 06:49

You have already given him the benefits of marriage without him having to take on any of the obligations. He has nothing to gain now from marriage.

Original poster
Fluttershy90 · 27/10/2020 06:50

I don't think I explained it well. I have spoken to him about it. On our 7 year anniversary we walked past loads of ring stores so I bought it up and asked why and he said because its too expensive. Butwe do have the money for it so Im seeing this as more of an excuse. When we were first together he was very pro marriage but the last 2 years he's decided it's a waste which is making me wonder is it me.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 27/10/2020 06:51

So when he said it was too expensive and you knew it was a lie and you have the money what did you then say?

Weddingin2021 · 27/10/2020 06:59

As a PP asked do you want to be a married couple or have a wedding? Very different things IMO

KatherineJaneway · 27/10/2020 07:01

@Famousinlove

Im guessing from his point of view he has nothing to gain from marrying you?
This. You've had kids without marriage, why would he potentially disadvantage himself financially by marrying you now?
Original poster
Fluttershy90 · 27/10/2020 07:07

Marriage has always been important to me and him. He used to always say how he would like to one day but the last 2 years he completly lost interest in the topic. I have asked him why but I just get back what I see as an excuse, like it's too expensive.
He owns our home as the money came from inheritance. Personally I didn't think it was OK to put me on the house since I haven't financially helped.

The kids do have his sir name. I didn't mind this as I guess I assumed one day we would be married.

I have told him I would only want a small wedding. We do live overseas so it would mean flying home for it which I understand isnt easy

OP posts:
Highfalutinlootin · 27/10/2020 07:09

Why would he marry you when he's already got all the benefits with none of the legal commitment? Sounds like one more man who with no regard for his partner's feelings.

OP, schedule a time to talk and tell him you're setting up a legal ceremony on x date. He can participate or you need to discuss breaking up.

Original poster
Fluttershy90 · 27/10/2020 07:11

I said he could stop buying cars and afford one. He just laughed and said yeah I could.

OP posts:
flowersrain1 · 27/10/2020 07:13

@Fluttershy90

Marriage has always been important to me and him. He used to always say how he would like to one day but the last 2 years he completly lost interest in the topic. I have asked him why but I just get back what I see as an excuse, like it's too expensive. He owns our home as the money came from inheritance. Personally I didn't think it was OK to put me on the house since I haven't financially helped.

The kids do have his sir name. I didn't mind this as I guess I assumed one day we would be married.

I have told him I would only want a small wedding. We do live overseas so it would mean flying home for it which I understand isnt easy

This sounds tough. Would you propose to him? One of my friends got so sick of waiting for her DP to propose that she set a date, booked the venue and just said to him ‘btw we’re getting married on 18 September’. A formal proposal then followed!

Do you think you could try to have an honest conversation with him about the reasons for his reluctance? And if he brings up the money tell him you know it can be afforded?

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 27/10/2020 07:21

Please tell me you are able to financially support yourself should he suddenly decide to end the relationship and considering he owns the house you live in.

Christ you are in a very precarious position.

The comment about the cars is very telling, he isn't going to marry you. He has the money to spend on whatever he likes, a wedding isn't a priority for him.

KatherineJaneway · 27/10/2020 07:26

He owns our home as the money came from inheritance.

There's yoir answer.

KatherineJaneway · 27/10/2020 07:26
  • your
Original poster
Fluttershy90 · 27/10/2020 07:31

I've always made sure I've worked from home since having the kids so I do have my own financial income that I save. He isn't a bad guy at all so I don't worry he would leave me on the street but I have always made sure I'm not just a stay at home mum and do have my own independence.
That's what I thought :/

OP posts:
Lampan · 27/10/2020 08:11

What would happen to you if he died?
Sounds like he has gone off the idea of marriage due to the financial implications. His claim it’s too expensive is bollocks - a wedding might be expensive (though not necessarily) but just getting married in itself wouldn’t cost much at all. You could always have a party for family and friends at a later date.
I’ve become a lot more anti-marriage since I bought my house as I don’t like the idea of anyone having a claim on it.

LilyWater · 27/10/2020 08:28

@Fluttershy90

Marriage has always been important to me and him. He used to always say how he would like to one day but the last 2 years he completly lost interest in the topic. I have asked him why but I just get back what I see as an excuse, like it's too expensive. He owns our home as the money came from inheritance. Personally I didn't think it was OK to put me on the house since I haven't financially helped.

The kids do have his sir name. I didn't mind this as I guess I assumed one day we would be married.

I have told him I would only want a small wedding. We do live overseas so it would mean flying home for it which I understand isnt easy

Actions speak louder than words. If marriage was truly a priority for you why did you move in with him, giving him all the benefits marriage bring, have children with him, and give them his surname (!!!) all without him legally committing to you and the children? You were essentially rewarding him for NOT proposing!

I simply don't understand why women are so passive and chuck theirs and their children's rights away and leave themselves at the mercy of men. He could turf out you and the children out of his home at any point, you're in such a vulnerable situation OP. In your shoes I'll go straight to the point and insist on a registry wedding in the next few days/weeks. The rug could be pulled from your feet at any time, including if he died suddenly.

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