Engagement

[Fluttershy90]

My partner and I have been together for 7 years and have 2 kids. Aged 4 and 3. He still has not proposed and seems to have no interest in doing so. I have been very open about the fact that I'd like to get married but he just doesn't seem interested in the conversation. I'm starting to worry that there is more to why he hasn't proposed. Maybe I'm over thinking it but is this weird? Everyone around me is either engaged or married now.

We have a will and I would get the house if he died. We have a great relationship in that aspect. We completely trust each other and I have no concerns about him leaving me with nothing. I just can't work out why he won't commit to marriage

He has nothing to gain from being married though OP, you've already moved in with him, given him DC with his surname so why would he when he has everything he wants already?

Have you name changed* @Fluttershy90 ?*

You live abroad with this man, the father of your two children. You are not on the house deeds. He is avoiding marriage. As someone said upthread you are in a precarious position.
I would ask him to marry you.
Just a registry office and then have a party later.
It would give your "union" legal standing.
If he says no you have your answer sadly, that he values his money more than you.

I really hope he says yes.

Maybe he means too expensive as in he thinks you’d have a claim on the house and he doesn’t want to do that?

We have a will and I would get the house if he died. We have a great relationship in that aspect. We completely trust each other and I have no concerns about him leaving me with nothing

Would you be liable for inheritance tax on the house OP, where I live that is 33% of the property value if you are not married, I think you need some sound financial and legal advice if he is dragging his heels on securing the future for you and your children in the event that the worst happens. You cannot count on words and promises when it comes to your kids, you need contracts to protect them and you, and marriage is a legal contract at the end of the day.

What does he have to say about what he would like to happen if he suddenly became seriously ill or died, you would have no rights, you would not be his next of kin to make any decisions. Are his parents in a position to make those decisions, would he want them to?

At this point I think you need to get yourself in a position to buy your own property as investment and security for you and DC, he is not going to provide it. Time to think with head not heart.

What don'tbe said, sit down and do some proper long-term planning (wills, pensions, insurance, other savings, tax implications, powers of attorney, guardians for the kids) and book a legal ceremony as part of that. Just book it. Treat it as one more piece of legal paperwork and say you're not going to invite or tell anyone and the two of you can have a "proper" wedding later on, but you want the legals done now.
But check all the details first - from what you say, it sounds likely that marriage would be a sensible move, but do check out the financial and legal facts carefully first.
If he does see a long-term future with you all well and good, and if OTOH he claims not to be able to spare the two or so hours in total that getting legally married is likely to take, then ... Not good news but better to find out sooner than be strung along.

Good call on maintaining your own income btw, that's good either way - if you stay together but something happens so he can't earn, or if you sadly don't stay together.

I think you have to issue an ultimatum- get married or walk away. It doesn't have to be expensive, just a quick registry office.

He doesn't want to get married, it is not in his financial interests to and the longer it goes on the less and less power you will have.

I was in a similar position, much worse in fact although I do live in a country with strong co habitation laws. It worked in my favor in the end but it was a year of hell. I always thought he was a good guy too and would never screw me, how wrong I was. Once his head was turned, all bets were off
It would be one thing if he was always against marriage, the fact this is a new occurrence would suggest he knows exactly why he is now against marriage and it has all to do with protecting his interests. he is the priority, not you or the children

He doesn't want to get married and possibly never did, since he would've had ample opportunity to marry you before this convenient change of heart. He knows how important it is for you and he still won't: you've had your answer.

It's good that you haven't given up work. You'll need to make all major decisions, including whether you want to stay in the relationship, in full consideration and acceptance that marriage isn't happening.

"He owns our home as the money came from inheritance. Personally I didn't think it was OK to put me on the house since I haven't financially helped."

You've been bearing and raising his children, though. It's a partnership.
If you were married, it would be considered the marital home and you'd have a right to it. If you'd accept that when married, why should it feel "not OK" when you're living as married and expecting to marry?

As for him not being a "bad guy", well, I hope not, but many women have been surprised how differently a man behaves as an ex, especially if there's a new woman in the picture. Nobody plans to have a child with a man they expect to break up with, but it happens every day.

Good luck.

He owns our home as the money came from inheritance... The kids do have his surname.

I think your answer is there. He has realised there is no benefit to him marrying you.

You've made the classic mistake of moving in and having kids with him without getting him to commit first. You should have got married before any of that, or at least before the kids. Why should he marry you now? You've also made it much harder to give him an ultimatum on a time scale because you have kids as you're probably unlikely to leave him over this and he knows it.

He isn't a bad guy at all so I don't worry he would leave me on the street

You would be stunned by the amount of people who think that and who end up being wrong!

Any update @Fluttershy90

Covid is the perfect excuse to just have a quiet wedding where you are .

OP,

For women for whom marriage is REALLY important, they don't have children with men before it.

He WAS interested, but then you behaved like it wasn't so important by going ahead and having two children with him, and then giving them his name.

He's traditional enough that he is happy for them to have his name, but it now suits him not to get married.

He no longer needs nor wants to marry you.

Well done for at least maintaining an income.

Keep saving as much as you can.
You may need it.

You have zero rights to his property and he could ask you to leave in the morning.

You need to protect yourself and your children.

The father of your children is protecting only himself.

Good luck.

I'm sorry to hear this OP, when I read your first post I thought are you talking about me???

I'm in the process of leaving my 'D'P after the same amount of time, and same ages of children, as I finally came to my senses, and realised he's been future faking me all along.

Within our first few dates we discussed marriage down the line (he'd been married and had a DC before), as you do when working out whether it's a fling, or more long term.

At the end of our first year together, we moved in, and at the end of the second year he proposed. When discussing dates, he said he couldn't do it for a couple of years due to his immigration issues, so we should try for children in the meantime, and he promised we'd get married immediately after he became a citizen (we were both late 30's by then).

We got pregnant the month immediately following the engagement, bought a house the next year, then had asecond DC exactly a year after the first.

Now, whenever I bring up the subject of marriage, there's a different excuse every year. Once he got his citizenship (organised through work) he then said we had too much debt, so I paid it off. His next excuse was that we didn't have enough saved, so I saved up. His next excuse was that my sister and sister-in-law were due babies around the time I wanted to set the date for. Next excuse was that we should get married on our 10 year anniversary, and when I said no, and suggested a date next year, he said he couldn't get married because his mum will be on holiday on the date I wanted to book, and he's not paying for her to come back 2 days early

I finally admitted defeat when he claimed he's now not sure about marrying me because he feels like I don't respect him, and he needs to be in a place where he feels I do. Absolutely not true on my part, and it's just another way to kick the marriage can down the line, and leaves him in full control of deciding when HE wants to do it (or not). I'm worth more than that treatment.

I'm currently getting all my ducks in a row, and will tell him it's over by Christmas. I'm in a very good financial position though, as I earn more than double what he does, we have a decent amount of equity in the house to split when it's sold, and I have a wonderful support network. After all this being messed about, I don't even want to marry him anymore!

I'm telling you my story OP so you open your eyes. He KNOWS you want to get married, he's TOLD you it will happen, yet he still does nothing about it. His actions are telling you everything you need to know unfortunately, you need to listen to what his actions are saying. Good luck with deciding what comes next, I wish you all the best.