Cheating husband

[Louisexx1234xx]

So last week I discovered my husband had been contacting escorts and happy ending massage parlours. In total there were 14 numbers going back 7 months. He definitely didn’t meet them all as some of the phone calls only happened once with a duration of 2 seconds. He has admitted to going to 2 massage parlours and receiving a ‘happy ending’ and 2 or 3 escorts. He insists that he never once had sex and went purely for a 10 min bj as all he could think about was getting out of there before getting caught. He told me that he did this purely because I was pregnant and out sex life was pretty much non existent and at the time he was facing lots of pressures with work and extended family issues and just needed a release. The last contact he tried to make was just 11 days before our beautiful baby was born which is heartbreaking. Since I have found out he has begged for forgiveness, persistently apologised, swore to me nothing like this will ever ever happen again and that he was ashamed and embarrassed every time he did it and is disgusted in himself. He has made a huge effort in the home, getting up for nightfeeds, helping with the chores in the house etc (which non of these things he has done before) baring in mind our newest addition to the family is our 4th child, he sent me 22 bunches of flowers to our home, he is definitely trying. He has given me all his passwords to emails, find my iPhone, even offered to carry a tracking device (ridiculous I know).

Does anyone have any previous experience with this? By the way he is acting should I believe he is truly sorry? Should I give him the benefit of the doubt and give him another chance? Do you think we can really make this work after the trust is so damaged? Should I believe that there really was no sex? ( I mean if your going to admit that much why not the rest)

I’m absolutely torturing myself wanting to know the sordid details of what happened, even though I know it’s going to hurt me more I just can’t help it. He tells me he can’t remember hardly anything as all he has tried to do is block it out and not relive it because it’s so shameful.

If I’m going to give him another chance I just don’t know how to stop torturing myself and stop digging for more information. The more I dig the more I get hurt (like i noticed one of the dates was our daughters birthday) I just need to work on going forward and not backwards but I just don’t know how.

Getting up and leaving isn’t going to be that easy with 4 children under 7.

PleAse help out a desperate mother in need x

Oh god. Nightmare. I've 4 kids under 7. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you.

Objectively there is only one good choice for you here. But can you be financially ok? Keeping him will damage you. What he has done can't be undone. But you owe him nothing so if you want to take time (months or even a few years) to set things up for you and the kids, then you do that.

Just please please don't ever forget that you deserve more than him.

He's become addicted to doing this. He will most certainly do it again.

Unfortunately I also agree with the above poster.

He sounds genuinely sorry, but he has effectively cheated. It’s up to you if you can forgive him. I think it’s a horrible dilemma for you and a balance between what you find you can accept and what is best for your mental health and the benefit to you and your children. It’s currently very raw, so it will be very hard for you to have a decent perspective.

He's a punter

It's a way of life for them. He has no respect for women and no respect for you.

Four kids you say ? He's taking money from out of those children's mouths and paying women to open theirs to receive his pathetic cock

How can you even have him in the house after that ? Put him out like the whipped dog he is.

Punters hate women. He's a punter.

Someone is either capable of being so entitled they believe that can pay for a woman for her consent and don't care if that consent is given willingly, under duress or due to huge vulnerability.

They hurt the women in their personal life in the process too.

He wasn't disgusted with the experience and riddled with guilt, he did this multiple times.

Again, men like him hate women.

You need to get the next steps moving because staying with a man like him only leads to huge heartache for you until they inevitably let you down again and then say well you knew about my vice and stayed.

He is not a suitable life partner.

No we won’t be financially ok. He is the sole provider I only work 1 day a week and at the moment I don’t work at all because I am on maternity leave. My main reason for not leaving at the moment is that my own dad is dying from terminal illness and only has months left if that and I really don’t need him worrying about me and the kids right now. X

I just want to say that we have been together 14 years and he has never done anything like this previously that I know of. It was definitely only the 7 months because he had a second phone for business that he rarely used and that’s the phone he was using. The itemised billing goes back a couple of years but these numbers only started 7 months ago x

Op

Don't rush in to any decisions and try to keep your powder dry
First things first Ide get an STI check and him

Let him run around all he wants, but don't commit to anything
Look after yourself as much as you can, and be with your dad.

Ide probably start making very discreet enquires about benefits
And entitlements for after Xmas

Once the dust settles and you have a better idea of how you feel
Most of the leg work will have been done 💐

I’m very sorry to hear this, and about your dad. Looking at his bank statements and cash withdrawals in particular may give you a better idea if he’s being honest with you. I hate to say it but I’d personally be pretty surprised if he booked escorts and didn’t go all the way.

@Guiltypleasures001’s advice is very sound.

@Guiltypleasures001

Op

Don't rush in to any decisions and try to keep your powder dry
First things first Ide get an STI check and him

Let him run around all he wants, but don't commit to anything
Look after yourself as much as you can, and be with your dad.

Ide probably start making very discreet enquires about benefits
And entitlements for after Xmas

Once the dust settles and you have a better idea of how you feel
Most of the leg work will have been done 💐

This is brilliant advice.

You don't have to 'do' anything now but i would be prepared to emotionally disengage, focus on yourself, the kids and your dad as priority and like @Guiltypleasures001 says you can start making practical plans when you feel ready.

You will be entitled to some benefits and support, don't forget that.

Poor you, I'm so sorry he has done this

I have no advice but I think this is disgusting and I wouldn’t be able to come back from this.

I don’t understand why people (men) are so ruled by sex to make them do stupid things like this. I’m so sorry OP.

I am sorry for having to deal with this.
As to what I’d do personally - I’d be pragmatic.
With 4 kids under 7 - and no ability to work - I’d stay and raised my kids. I’d make sure he played his part in raising them every day.

I’d take my time and slowly rebuild my career or trained for a new one.
I’d taken see over time if anything could be rebuilt end if he will continue to feel sorry and be prepared to actually change.

Then, when kids are a bit older, and when I’d have a better financial footing - I’d make a decision. I’ll see how I felt then.

This isn’t a popular path here on MN, but life sometimes is just too difficult to be only focusing on personal happiness.
Survival first, happiness can be tended to later. Hierarchy of needs exist for a reason.

I’ve definitely got to wait it out for my dads sake and also because I don’t want to get up and go yet since it will emotionally take it’s toll on the kids and with my dad so close to passing I really don’t want the kids to be dealing with so much at once especially my 6 & 7 year old. I just don’t know wether while I’m waiting it out here to actually genuinely try and make a go of it or like @newnameforthis123 said just completely disengage and probably just pretend I’m trying to make it work. Also tonight while discussing with him the different scenarios were facing he hit me with ‘if you leave and take the kids I’ll kill my self, I won’t be able to cope not seeing them everyday’ talk about emotional blackmail!

Four kids you say ? He's taking money from out of those children's mouths and paying women to open theirs to receive his pathetic cock

Christ @AnyFucker I know you have a rep for cutting to the chase with no bullshit but that was so direct it made me feel rather sick

OP he may be "sorry" now divorce is expensive but as soon as he thinks he's in the clear I promise you he will do it again. Disengage, play the game while you wait it out, and I don't need to tell you that the suicide threat is a load of manipulative crap and just another one of his lies.

You're right that the suicide threat is emotional blackmail. It's unfortunately a very common threat in these circumstances and is bloody disgusting. Particularly with what he's already put you through.
I think you should focus on your father and the kids in the short term. Longer term I'd be definitely getting shot of him.
As pp said, he's nothing but a vile punter. You will be entitled to maintenance from him and benefits until you can work. A solicitor can talk you through your housing rights etc.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this horrible shock on top of grieving for your father.

Hes really vile isn't he? Doing something like this, getting caught out and then threatening suicide to shut you up. When you've a baby and three other children to care for.

My advice, disengage emotionally and go through the motions until your youngest is entitled to nursery hours. Retrain or line up another job in the meantime. Let him amuse himself. Hopefully he will meet another woman in the interim and leave you alone.

I'm sorry this happened to you. You deserved better than this. I bet you are lovely. Xx

You can definitely move on from this in time. although some women on here would not even entertain this stupid bad behaviour from a man.

I don't agree also, that if someone has made these very crap decisions to do what your Husband has done, that he will always be doing this.This is not always the case in many such situations.

There is no point in torturing yourself regarding the sleaze aspects of your Husbands crap behaviour, you will go mad thinking about it.

You should assess how much you value your marriage and family before doing anything drastic.

You should assess how much you value your marriage and family

Brilliant

Why couldn't he have a wank if he felt he "wasn't getting enough sex"? That's what most men would have done.

Sending you 22 bunches of flowers is pretty ridiculous, as was the suicide threat.

Only you will know whether you can trust him again, OP. This may well have carried on if you hadn't found out.

@AnyFucker

You should assess how much you value your marriage and family

Brilliant

Quite. Maybe that’s something the husband should’ve been doing, no?

You should assess how much you value your marriage and family before doing anything drastic

OP almost certainly values it more than her pathetic partner did when he was paying women for blowjobs, I’d say. Which is why working towards getting away from this manipulative, misogynistic knob would be a good medium-to-long term goal for her.

First of all, so so sorry you are going through this. You do not deserve it and being a bit sexually frustrated is no excuse when you were pregnant with his fourth baby.

I understand you wanting to protect your dad from this and you will also be in shock and trying to process everything. You don't have to make a decision overnight, but it will be painful for you to live with your husband right now and share a bed etc.. so I would advise trying to get some space even if it has to be within the same house. It would be extremely difficult for me to forgive this but ultimately it is your life and your family, your decision.

You will be entitled to benefits. Applying for universal credit is fairly straightforward as its just one big form that can be completed online and it covers everything instead of you having to apply for lots of separate benefits.

I hope you have a friend that you feel you can confide in and not just mumsnet x

Sorry @Louisexx1234xx this must have all come as a horrendous shock. However, given the years and years of similar stories told in this section, I find it very hard to believe he only started this sort of behaviour 7 months ago. I would think it’s more likely he only started using his work phone to engage with that stuff. It’s just hard to believe he went from being the perfect DH to using escorts overnight, 7 months ago.

He also hasn’t come clean here, he’s been caught.. If he hadn’t been caught, he could have continued indefinitely.. A very grim thought.

I think you probably know he is never to be trusted again, he is certainly not the man you thought you were married to. A man who thinks it’s okay to pay to shove his dick in (probably vulnerable) women. It’s not real consent and frankly would you ever want him to touch you again after knowing this? It’s really vile that he places his sexual ‘needs’ above everyone / everything he apparently holds dear and not just once, multiple times (that you know of).

Now he’s playing the suicide card, a truly disgusting but fairly common manipulation tactic of the narcissistic to keep you in line and control the situation.

My advice - bide your time, get your finances and home in order. Then leave and never look back.