Cheating husband

[Louisexx1234xx]

So last week I discovered my husband had been contacting escorts and happy ending massage parlours. In total there were 14 numbers going back 7 months. He definitely didn’t meet them all as some of the phone calls only happened once with a duration of 2 seconds. He has admitted to going to 2 massage parlours and receiving a ‘happy ending’ and 2 or 3 escorts. He insists that he never once had sex and went purely for a 10 min bj as all he could think about was getting out of there before getting caught. He told me that he did this purely because I was pregnant and out sex life was pretty much non existent and at the time he was facing lots of pressures with work and extended family issues and just needed a release. The last contact he tried to make was just 11 days before our beautiful baby was born which is heartbreaking. Since I have found out he has begged for forgiveness, persistently apologised, swore to me nothing like this will ever ever happen again and that he was ashamed and embarrassed every time he did it and is disgusted in himself. He has made a huge effort in the home, getting up for nightfeeds, helping with the chores in the house etc (which non of these things he has done before) baring in mind our newest addition to the family is our 4th child, he sent me 22 bunches of flowers to our home, he is definitely trying. He has given me all his passwords to emails, find my iPhone, even offered to carry a tracking device (ridiculous I know).

Does anyone have any previous experience with this? By the way he is acting should I believe he is truly sorry? Should I give him the benefit of the doubt and give him another chance? Do you think we can really make this work after the trust is so damaged? Should I believe that there really was no sex? ( I mean if your going to admit that much why not the rest)

I’m absolutely torturing myself wanting to know the sordid details of what happened, even though I know it’s going to hurt me more I just can’t help it. He tells me he can’t remember hardly anything as all he has tried to do is block it out and not relive it because it’s so shameful.

If I’m going to give him another chance I just don’t know how to stop torturing myself and stop digging for more information. The more I dig the more I get hurt (like i noticed one of the dates was our daughters birthday) I just need to work on going forward and not backwards but I just don’t know how.

Getting up and leaving isn’t going to be that easy with 4 children under 7.

PleAse help out a desperate mother in need x

@Louisexx1234xx
Wow, what a tough time you're going through atm. Whatever you decide to do make sure you look after yourself. I remember when my dad was terminally ill everything was just so awful. I couldn't possibly imagine going through what you're going through on top of that. Make sure you surround yourself by people who love you (family/friends etc) and try to take a little time to be by yourself and love yourself, which I know is difficult with small children.
Hugs to you sweetheart xx

Bloody hell, why couldn't he have just gone off for a quiet wank?! Vile little man. And to meet up with someone on your daughter's birthday? Yuk!
Only you know what you can tolerate OP and whether you can move past this but I couldn't.
Having said that, I'd just sit tight for now as things are so uncertain with your dad etc and bide your time.
I'd make it clear to him though that there'd be no sex or forgiveness any time soon.
Good luck

Bear in mind that men are full of repentance when these things are discovered and promise the world. It does not always last . Do what you need to do for now .

This is shit for you. But I agree in that you do not have to actually make any final decisions yet.
I was faced with the discovery of my DH cheating on a second phone. But shortly after , I had to deal with a close death, sick relative and then he lost his job.. It was all too much for me to deal with , I just couldn't. I had to wait until I was strong enough to deal with it.
Take your time , focus on your father and new baby for now. But for try and create some physical space for yourself.
I too wanted to know all the details . I don't know if it is a good thing . I am still tortured by words and phrases I have seen .
He should probably go to therapy as he seems to have somed sort of sex addiction. It maybe is is just a sleazy punter.
Hope you have some one in your life that can help and support you.

Please make sure he has sti tests and shows you the results. I’m sorry you are in this situation. I would wait it out for the sake of your dad - but I can understand if that is intolerable. You could look at jobs websites for where you would like your career to go and have a clear knowledge of what additional skills you may need (some do not require a degree or other specific qualifications but you can start reading up on the area you choose).

The decision over whether you can forgive/trust him again (and whether you want to) is yours, and you don’t need to rush.

I would see a good counsellor to help you get your thoughts in order. If you do decide to stay together I would say joint counselling is a must to successfully navigate all the issues which will come up.

He's lying his pathetic head off. This is the script through and through - lie, deny, minimise. He's fucked prostitutes but is lying and claiming to have "blocked it out" because he knows that you can't prove otherwise and thinks that this is the easiest way out of the mess he's in. He needed the release and did it repeatedly, but then panicked and "only" had a BJ? Yeah right.

If you stay with him, then if you are ever sick, or you aren't in the mood, or too tired, then you are going to be wondering if he's going to head off to a prostitute again.

I would never trust him again, I'd never want to share a bed with him again and I'd never want him to touch me again.

Ashamed, embarrassed and disgusted with himself - surely it should have only happened that first time then?

Stomach churning

If it were me he'd be gone

So I’ve listen too all your lovely advice. Thanks to everyone who has taken time out of their day for me. I think what is clear from everyone here is that he will ultimately do it again. I think going forward I’m going to stay for now. Number 1 is for my dad and number 2 is to buy myself some time to build myself back up emotionally and financially. I don’t see the point in leaving now and adding extra pressures such as mothering 3 young children and a newborn on my own never mind the financial pressures in an already traumatic time. I may as well take advantage of his kindness, generosity and helpfulness around the house at the moment especially with the kids as it’s been really difficult just to be a good mother right now because I’m so consumed, so he’s now carrying a lot of that weight. During this time I will be emotionally detaching myself. I know that he is really sorry and in his heart he genuinely believes that he would never do this again, but thats just because the thought of him not waking up to his children everyday and eventually seeing me with someone else is causing him pain. I’m under no illusion that in time those feelings won’t be as raw and he will forget the true severity and that will ultimately be the time when he will stray again. Hopefully by then or if not before I will have the strength and money to go. There might be those of you who ask if he knew the consequences then why do it in the 1st place. I think he did know but was to naive to think he would never get caught x

OP, it is your decision to make, and I wish you all the best in the world.

All I'll say is this: if you're going to go down this course, protect yourself. Protect yourself emotionally, protect yourself financially, and protect your health, both mental and physical. I highly suggest counseling, and I also suggest that you don't have any form of sex, including oral sex, without barrier protection (if you have sex at all).

Hi Louise

I have sent you an inbox message x

I think you have made the right decision for you for right now.
And yes , as to consequences , my DH actually told that he hoped that I would never find out.
The reality of being without his family life and house will probably keep him on his best behaviour . Use it to your advantage until you are ready to decide your next step.
Good wishes to you and take care of yourself.

I think you sound incredibly sensible and responsible. Protect yourself as much as possible - emotionally and financially (and physically sexual health wise) so you're ready to move on from him when the time is right.

FWIW if you were my daughter I would be proud of how sensible and pragmatic you're being.

Just don't let him worm his way back in if the dust settles - he has behaved disgracefully and you must protect your own mental health, happiness and stability in the long term especially as those things all benefit your children.

just out of curiosity did you stay with your hubby @Stillfunny

Thankyou 🥰

Sent you a PM.

Excellent decision lovely

You have very quietly taken back your power, don't get drawn in to long deep conversations and make no promises on anything.

As we say on here just nod and smile, oh and deffo book that sti check as soon as

Congrats on your baby and so sorry about your Dad, a word to the wise make sure if you can you have support in place to go to if or,when you loose him.
It's a dangerous time where he becomes a crutch to lean on and then not able to kick him away again. 💐

He has no respect for you. He used your pregnancy ( that he helped create ) as the reason for cheating on you and then told you as much.
Many many people suffer similar and worse circumstances but don't cheat on their partners, lie to their faces or blame their pregnancies. Nor do they 'buy' women for their own use.
He is vile , a vile husband, father and person.

Don't bother. You will be wasting your time on a lost cause. Sending hugs and

Four children, I take my hat off to you OP. You sound very level headed under the circumstances.

It really is very early days and you are no doubt coming to terms with what you have discovered. Personally I think you need to give yourself some time to let this settle. It doesn’t sound like things were bad between you before you found out, perhaps he’s made a terrible mistake in what was a very stressful period? Or maybe as others have suggested he is a serial user of sex workers. Only time will tell.

Could you suggest couples counselling to help talk things through? Perhaps this might help him to explain why he felt he couldn’t come to you?

I have name changed for this thread. OP i am further down the road having made this same decision.
I had a very happy marriage for years until my dh sent me a text earlier in the year that was meant for a prostitute. The only difference is he has never admitted seeing them. I just about bought his excuse that he was drunk and would have never followed it through, but a couple of months later I accidentally stumbled over history showing he has been looking them up for 6 years!!!!! Including dates when I was away visiting family.
I kicked him out and he went to stay in the flat of a friend who was working abroad.
Life was hard without him, I have no work skills and realised how vulnerable I had made myself by just trusting him to do the right thing looking after us all those years.
So I ‘forgave’ him and let him home. He couldn’t be happier, days he adores me and the kids and will make me the happiest woman on earth.
But I have a 3 year plan. My youngest will be off to uni, I am retraining for a professional career and we are overpaying the mortgage down. He is also saving hard for a holiday home for us to buy in 3 years. What he doesn’t realise is that this is all an act on my part and he is actually saving for a deposit on his own house.
Day to day it’s fine, we have always got on really well, but I won’t lie - it can be mentally draining keeping this up knowing what’s coming.
Oh and just to confirm what others say, they don’t stop. I know for a fact he hasn’t seen an escort since he came back, but I can check his history and he still looks every couple of weeks.

I would recommend you have a look at the Chump lady website. She has fantastic advice on how to protect yourself in these circumstances. So sorry to hear about your Dad. Stay strong 💪

Wow they were only BJs. That’s really thoughtful and he probably saved the family a bit of cash too.

What an utter piece of shit. I’m so sorry there’s no easy way to leave this slime ball to rot in his likely STIs...

Should I believe that there really was no sex? ( I mean if your going to admit that much why not the rest)

Because those caught out having an affair or anything almost without fail say there was no sex, at first. They admit to as little as possible, so if they have to admit to any physical contact they usually say it was just a BJ. He thinks this lie will mean you forgive it more readily than if he admits to the full sex he had with these prostitutes.

He was not going to tell you anything, remember, he didn't voluntarily give you any information until you caught him out and he had to say something and told a lie minimizing what he did.

Often they later change their story and admit to more if put on the spot, though you will never know the true extent of it.

he hit me with ‘if you leave and take the kids I’ll kill my self, I won’t be able to cope not seeing them everyday’ talk about emotional blackmail!

Glad you recognize it for what it is. If he ever does threaten anything just call 999.

I know that he is really sorry and in his heart he genuinely believes that he would never do this again

You probably are right about how he's feeling, but in general remember you don't know what this individual feels or believes. You wouldn'tve imagined he was doing all this stuff I'dve thought, but he was, and while you were pregnant.

Honestly our marriage was fantastic before this and that is why it has came as such a shock, he would literally move mountains for me and there was no signs of this at all. I’m sorry you are going through the same thing the pain is horrendous. You sound like your super strong keeping this together. I’m kind of planning the same sort of thing as you but struggling already and it’s only been 2 weeks lol not sure if I can hold it down for 3 years xxx