Would you date someone you didn't fancy?

[Heidi3333]

Just wondering...
Someone I like as a friend (don't know him very well really) confessed his feelings for me at the weekend. I don't think he's bad looking but I just don't see him 'that' way. I've told him that I'd like to see each other as friends and see how things go. I'm not sure if my feelings will change.

Would you consider dating someone you weren't sexually attracted to? Have you in the past and ended up being wildly atttracted to them?

This guy had a lot going for him on paper but I just can't imagine getting intimate with him!

No

Don't do it!

My husband is the complete opposite of my usual type physically. But he makes me happy and I do love him. It's what's on the inside that really counts

No. Can't imagine why anyone would want to do this (yes I know there are replies upthread from people who say they've done this, but I cannot imagine why).

For me, the difference between a friendship and a relationship is sex - so if I didn't want sex, friendship is where it would stay. If he was then unable to handle being knocked back, it would become an ex friendship.

@OnlyTheLangoftheTitBerg

I went on a date with someone I didn’t really fancy but who was a lovely person. He didn’t give me the ick, I’d just never really thought of him as anything other than a kind, thoughtful friend.

One date later, goodbye kiss in his car at the end and bingo! Full on fanny gallops.

He’s just this minute got out of bed to feed the cat, 29 years later...

@CaraDuneRedux this is why

Wow thanks for all the replies 😀
Sorry it's take. Me a while to reply but it's hard for me to get my phone off my 4 year old!

Lots of positive and negative experiences from you all. I can relate to both. I've kissed some men I've fancied for ages and felt nothing and then I've kissed guys I didn't fancy and got all the sparks flying! It's really weird and unpredictable.

When he told me how he felt (over messenger) he later started with a bit of sexy chat and I just thought ewwwww. He doesn't give me the ick but it just didn't feel right.

He ticks a lot of boxes for me but I'm not sure if it's enough.

He's coming over for coffee on Thursday as he's doing a job for me. Nothing will be happening as my daughter will be in. It will give me a chance to get to know him better.

I've been in this situation before. With my last boyfriend I just didn't fancy him at all at first but after a few weeks something just clicked for me and then I really couldn't get enough of him!

I was just wondering about others experiences...

I think sometimes attraction can grow and is not always instant. As long as there's a little bit of attraction there to begin with, it can grow massively. However if you've known him years without fancying him, the chances are that it's a lost cause. I was with an ex for a few years that I didn't fancy at all. It just left me feeling that something was lacking from the relationship and I was always looking elsewhere. I now have a DH that I really fancy and it's so much better.

Ewww sounds like the prelude to ick to me.

I ended up in a 2.5 year long hideous relationship that was basically the worlds longest pity fuck. I didn’t fancy him, just felt sorry for him, there was no spark, he couldn’t kiss, all my senses were telling me no and I ignored them. Urgghhh!

When he told me how he felt (over messenger) he later started with a bit of sexy chat and I just thought ewwwww

NOOOOOOPE!!!!

Thinking 'Oh, gosh, I've never thought of you in that way before!' is one thing. 'Ewwww' is a visceral, 'body-no' that you can't ignore.

No. I did it once, kept telling myself this guy was a real catch, which he was, tall, handsome, clever, incredible job, etc etc but I just didn’t fancy him at all... I went through the motions of it for a few months thinking maybe I would “catch up” with my feelings, that this was the kind of guy everyone wanted to be with, then he started to suggest weekends away etc and the thought of it filled me with dread, realising that it would be a disaster if it were to go any further, called it off and he was so incredibly upset I still feel bad about it now.
More recently a friend declared their feelings for me, and that was a flat no as I’d not go down that road again.

Attraction is a funny thing as I’ve ended up with someone less conventionally attractive but we just click and I look forward to seeing them whenever I’m not with them it’s pathetic really...

If you don’t feel the same about him then it’s not appropriate. Leave him alone.

Dh actually annoyed me a bit when I first knew him but he turned out to be a really good friend to have and grew on me in a way I could never have predicted.

"I'd be devastated if I found out I was dating someone who wasn't sexually attracted to me/didn't fancy me. For most people that's a pretty basic component of a relationship."

That's a bit extreme though - no one is suggesting she leaps into A Relationship. There's no harm in a couple of dates to see if something develops, surely?

That's a bit extreme though - no one is suggesting she leaps into A Relationship. There's no harm in a couple of dates to see if something develops, surely?

I don't know, there are plenty of people here describing years long relationships where this was exactly what happened.

So clearly some people will waste someone else's time and damage their self esteem for some reason 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think it's a pretty despicable way to treat someone, tbh.

No. That would feel awful and I would hate it.

@AutumnShrubs

When I was dating I went out with all kinds of men (throwing the net wide!) with an open mind. I really don’t believe I wasted anyone’s time or damaged self esteem, as long as everyone is on the same page it doesn’t have to be hurtful.

GammyLeg

Well yes, when I did online dating i met all sorts of men.

But if one of them had really liked me but he had made me think, "Ew, no chance," or whatever it was the op thought, I wouldn't have continued to go with him for any reason.

Everyone deserves to be with someone who finds them attractive. Not to be with someone who is trying to suppress feelings of revulsion.

It's fair enough with OLD to go for the "first date plus one for luck" option to see if someone grows on you (unless obviously you realise on date one that it's a "never in a million years" scenario).

But OP's known this man for years. He's not going to grow on her. It's unfair to both of them to try a romantic relationship.

no its not fair on either party you want your partner to fancy you and want to fancy your partner

@CaraDuneRedux she hasn’t known him for years - she said she doesn’t know him well at all.

I say give it a chance (although the update about sexy chat gives me pause!). My DH started out as a friend. I didn’t see us together although I thought he was amazing as a person. A couple of dates later and I was head over heels and we have been together for 20 years.

It's a long time since I dated but.... in my opinion there are 3 types of men - the ones you fancy, the ones you definitely don't and the 'maybe's. I'd date a maybe!

I dated a guy that I knew vaguely beforehand (we had mutual friends) but had never looked twice at him in that way as we were both in relationships.

Long story short we both ended up single eventually, he expressed an interest and we went out. I quickly came to fancy him when I got to know him better.

I did this in my youth and would never, ever do it again. I won't bore you with the details but out deteriorated with him desperate for attention, me feeling suffocated and avoiding him like the plague, and finally I broke up with him after I cried in the bathroom after we had sex because I just couldn't bare him touching be.

He was a lovely lad and not bad looking, I just didn't find him attractive, but everyone drummed it into me that personality was more important and I was young and naïve enough to believe them.

@YoungDino I don’t think anyone has suggested embarking on a relationship with someone you don’t fancy. But a date or two can’t hurt, then you can go your separate ways if there’s no spark.