Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sexless relationship - help

31 replies

Ame123 · 25/10/2020 23:02

I am 25 and my partner is 26. We have been together for four years and our sex has never been mind blowing.

We usually have sex twice a month but as of late it has really been bothering me and the feeling of being constantly h0rny is making me angry.

BF is wonderful and I do love him.
He is caring and funny and pays attention by hugging me and cuddling me but whenever I initiate sex he says he's "not in the mood".

When we do have sex it is always on his terms and I feel like I have to "grab it while I can" so I have the sex but don't feel fulfilled because I have it so I can "catch it while I can".

I have told him countless times how I feel and he says that he can't help not being in the mood.

I have noticed that he is more affectionate since I told him how I feel. As much as I love the cuddling on the sofa, I want the sex.

It is grinding me down.
I don't want to leave because I am so close with his family and I don't want to lose them.
My boyfriend and I get on so well, aside from him not matching my sex drive we make a great couple.

I feel like I should be having the best (and most) sex of my life. I feel like everyone my age is getting more than me and I feel so upset I can't take it anymore.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 25/10/2020 23:19

Get out now. It won't get any better. Been there, got the t-shirt.

Original poster
Ame123 · 25/10/2020 23:26

I appreciate the honesty. I have never done this to someone before so I would find it so hard. I hope I get the confidence someday if things don't improve.

OP posts:
BuffayTheVampireLayer · 25/10/2020 23:37

It won't improve. You are wasting the best years of your life. If anything it could get more infrequent, leaving you even more frustrated and ripe for cheating with someone who shows you attention.

This is no life, especially at your age! Some people say sex isn't massively important in a relationship. These are the ones who aren't that bothered themselves. A relationship without sex may as well just be a friendship.

I lived through a sexless marriage, not all his fault, mine too but it was awful. Now I'm inna sexually fulfilling relationship for the first time (I'm much older than you) and I would never ever go back!

thisgardenlife · 25/10/2020 23:44

I've been there, and been there again. Please believe us when we say you will not change this man. Get out now while you are young. Get out now before you are married and especially before children make it really hard to leave.

If you're not happy now with the lack of sex and you are only 25, believe me it will only get worse - a lot worse. Please don't let yourself end up old and full of regret that you didn't allow your sexuality full expression while you could. Your sex drive won't last forever - the drive you feel will get stronger and stronger through the next few decades before it begins to fade probably sometime in your late 50s, through your 60s and into your 70s.

If the lack of sex in this relationship is bothering you now at 25 it will drive you crazy when your hormones peak sometime in your mid 40s.

There is another more fulfilling relationship out there for you where your sex drives are more in tune but you need to free yourself from this man first. He sounds more like a friend, and that is not enough if you have a high sex drive and he doesn't seem interested.

Original poster
Ame123 · 25/10/2020 23:47

Thank you. I am so torn. You are right, as much as I hate to admit it but if I'm completely honest I probably would go for someone that showed me attention. I feel awful saying that. Sex is important to me

OP posts:
Original poster
Ame123 · 25/10/2020 23:48

Thank you x

OP posts:
EarthSight · 25/10/2020 23:50

@BuffayTheVampireLayer

It won't improve. You are wasting the best years of your life. If anything it could get more infrequent, leaving you even more frustrated and ripe for cheating with someone who shows you attention.

This is no life, especially at your age! Some people say sex isn't massively important in a relationship. These are the ones who aren't that bothered themselves. A relationship without sex may as well just be a friendship.

I lived through a sexless marriage, not all his fault, mine too but it was awful. Now I'm inna sexually fulfilling relationship for the first time (I'm much older than you) and I would never ever go back!

@BuffayTheVampireLayer Whilst sex is important, I don't agree at all that a relationship without sex might as well be a friendship! Are you in love with your friends the same way as you would romantically love a partner. What about if they had an accident or developed an illness which meant you couldn't have it as often. Would those feelings all be switched off??
whiskersonkittenss · 25/10/2020 23:51

I went through the same in my twenties. I tried to make it work for a further two years. Resented him the entire time. A waste of my time!

Original poster
Ame123 · 25/10/2020 23:52

I wish I could be stronger! :(

OP posts:
EarthSight · 25/10/2020 23:56

Nothing wrong with finding sex important. It's really shit, but missmatching sex drives is a major factor in driving people apart.

Don't listen though to people who'll tell you your hormones will 'peak' in your 40s. That's nonsense. Everyone responds to hormones in a different way. For example, some people might have a higher level of testosterone, but their bodies don't respond to it like some people's. A lot of women's sex drive get lower when they are older, having been subjected to stress, tiredness, other marital problems, or possible childbirth injuries. With a lot of people it slowly, naturally goes down over time anyway. Some women mourn the loss if their sex drives and sometimes there's no way to get it back.

Lorw · 25/10/2020 23:57

Leave. I went on to marry my EXH when we hadn’t had sex in years because he was perfect in every other way. We hadn’t even consummated the marriage and I’m only 25, it never gets better, I left and found someone who actually wants to touch me and I have a much better relationship.

Curiositykilledthecat113 · 25/10/2020 23:58

How important is sex to you? It certainly sounds like it’s a really issue in your relationship. Sex (and romantic feelings of course) really make a difference between a friendship and a relationship. It sounds like you’re more worried about losing his family than him, but I’m sure if you break it off amicably you could still be in contact with them and retain a friendship with him. Let’s be honest, it sounds like a friendship is what you want with him.

justasking111 · 25/10/2020 23:59

You need to leave, honestly it will get worse. At 26 he should be jumping your bones at every opportunity. He has a problem not you.

thisgardenlife · 26/10/2020 00:00

The OP seems perfectly capable of deciding for herself who to listen to, @EarthSight , without direction from you.

Enough4me · 26/10/2020 00:08

Sex is a natural instinct, great fun and really 'bonding' for couples, so don't feel bad at wanting it. You aren't sexually compatible and it is leaving you unsatisfied.

How long can you ignore it?

MMmomDD · 26/10/2020 00:26

It won’t get better. And you should be having lots of great sex now as you are young and not yet out to settle down/have kids.

If he is barely sexual at 26, he’ll only get less and less so with age. And all the other great qualities won’t compensate for lack of physical closeness.

username1724 · 26/10/2020 01:06

Does he have any other reasons why it could be sparse? Is he depressed? Underlying health issue? Im also in a fairly sexless relationship, its been an ongoing issue and the damage to my self esteem is awful. We have 3 kids so we are trying to work through it, and I wouldn't leave him now over it but I'd seriously reconsider your relationship before you have ties.

Halloweiner · 26/10/2020 01:25

I disagree with those PPs saying it won't get better.

My relationship went through a phase like this for a couple of years when we were a bit younger than you - we had already been together since our teen years. Neither of us were bothered about sex and we'd have it roughly once a month, it wasn't enjoyable and we could take it or leave it. In every other aspect of our relationship we were the perfect match, we were loving and affectionate, and got on brilliantly.

In hindsight we were both depressed at that time in our lives, we were overweight and building our careers and future, and sex was the last thing on our minds. It took TTC our first DC for things to pick up slightly, and following an obvious lull during life with a newborn, it got better and better. A few years on and we cannot keep our hands off each other, I find my DH more attractive than ever and our sex life is full filling, lustful and very active.

My best advice wouldn't be to cut and run if all other aspects of your relationship are good, OP. It would be to talk to your partner and find out if there are any underlying causes. Keep the lines of communication open and go from there. Good luck, don't give up easily but equally don't spend too much time flogging a dead horse.

Wiredforsound · 26/10/2020 04:44

Your sex life with him is as good as it’s ever going to get. You’re in your 20s so you should be at it like bunnies. This is your reality. It’s up to you what you do about it.

WouldBeGood · 26/10/2020 04:50

Oh dear, it’s not a good sign if you’re staying because of his family.

I know it’s a horrible thought, but another one saying get out now. Better now than the inevitable split later with potentially more at stake.

And find another nice guy but one who will shag you senseless 😃

WouldBeGood · 26/10/2020 04:53

And @Ame123 I’m much older than you and can tell you that despite my dread when my marriage broke up, life is so much better all round with lots of sex and the associated affection. I’m so much happier and you can be too.

Greeneyes78 · 26/10/2020 06:39

I got to the end of your first sentence. Get out now, the lack of intimacy will destroy everything it really will.

At your age you should be swinging from chandeliers and jumping off wardrobes.

EmeraldShamrock · 26/10/2020 07:54

As harsh as it sounds it will never get better. Sexual compatibility is so important you'll lose your desire if you plod along this way.
You're very young we only live once.

PumpkinsPatch · 26/10/2020 07:57

I wouldn't class my DH or I as having very high sex drives.

Maybe once or twice a week now we're mid 30s and parents.

But at 25/26 it was almost daily and I would worry for your future that:

1 - how would you get pregnant if you wanted to?

2 - in a few years it will turn to zero sex.

Hesfamousforit · 26/10/2020 08:08

Been there for 10 years and discovered the secret porn habit by the end. I didn't even care at that point I was just so relieved to be ending the relationship.

Get out now!!!

Swipe left for the next trending thread