being nice may not have been right after all!

[gaiusmoham2]

I posted on here some months back about my ex. Short story is we were together, drifted, she went off with an atypical 'bad boy' and got pregnant, I went on to continue building my life. Contact made about six months ago, she was left high and dry with kid, I have a much better life position (home owner, good job 50kish pa). She tried to engineer a rekindling (I suspect) I had no desire to bring back someone who left me esp. if I have to raise some other blokes kid. That goes double since I know the bloke and I wouldn't trust him to raise a spoon to his mouth, let alone a child.

So anyway, I am now in a relationship, early days but all going well. My birthday was a few weeks back. Me and my gf are over my place, having a nice meal and bottle of bubbly. Calm, low key evening which is what I like. Get a knock at the door. I go to answer it, it's the ex!!

Now I never gave her my address or phone number and after our email exchanges has extricated. No contact between us for several months. Turns out she had got my address from a friend (lied to him, said she had stuff to return) and decides to rock up with a pressie, 'dressed to impress'.

I ask her what the hell she is doing, she says she wanted to see me on my bday! GF comes to door just as ex is asking to come in. Not pleasant.

In short, I tell ex never to contact me again, never to come to address again and let her have both barrels saying I don't want her back, she chose some stoner waster over me and now he has gone she wants me to help raise his kid, which she will need help with if he has inherited his father's trash genetics re pot smoking and inability to hold employment! All over but the sobbing, door slam, done.

I then had to tell my new gf the whole story. Luckily I had retained all the emails and completely laid it all bare to her. She saw I had not encouraged anything, had been polite but basically done a mini Grey Rock on the ex. I then had to explain all the previous, the waster, her leaving etc.

Luckily, gf was very understanding, it ruined the night unsurprisingly but we have moved forward. I think it'll be casting a shadow on our relationship a while though.

I have shut down my old email after a day of moving my PayPal, eBay etc.

How do I reassure my gf that the ex will be no more trouble moving forward? I think the fact she left me, the gf is thinking I may have some lingering love there (defo don't). Beyond that, when it comes to these matteri encourage anyone male or female to not try to be nice but just be blunt!

I mean, if one of my partner's exes had reached out to him and he hadn't told me, I'd be pretty fucked off when i found out later. She sounds like a loon, but if i were your girlfriend I'd be having second thoughts about being involved in so much drama, especially seeing as it's early days. Sorry.

All you can do is reassure. In the end if new gf finds it too difficult to deal with it will be the end of this relationship.

It was just a bit of bother not instigated by an ex, as you say why on earth would you go back? You can say to your present gf, look babe even if we did split up I will never go back to her so can we try and not let her get in the way of us because I don't want that.

All you can do. Good luck!

Pretty horrific what you said about your ex's new baby's inherited tendencies. How nice exactly do you think you were?

You don't actually sound that nice.

Wow that was a very aggressive reaction to her coming to the door. Shouting about her infant's "trash genetics"? "Letting her have it with both barrels"? Sending her off sobbing? Door slamming? Oh, no.

That would be a 🚩 to me. Obviously she was uninvited and unwelcome, and you're still hurt but that kind of reaction would worry me. Most people would just go "sorry, now is not a good time, we have plans, bye" and then have the follow up conversation (about not coming over) later, like at a child handover or something. Without the insults.

Either you're not over the split or you have anger issues and can't control your temper. Either way, there's drama afoot. Maybe the girlfriend is thinking of running, but probably not because the ex is the problem.

If she does stick around just don't mention the ex and for heavens sake don't get wound up about her. She's dealt with and done and you have nothing to hide. But do keep a cool head and remember your manners. Angry men are intimidating and not just to their intended audience. If I were new gf I would be more worried about the different side I've seen to you.

Why are you positing this on Mumsnet of all places? :/ Strange.

Sounds like a “Nice Guy”/incel creative writing exercise to me.

You didn't handle it well. Had I been your gf I'd have been less bothered about the ex turning up(people do that) and more bothered about your reaction to a fellow human being.

I think things will improve in time x

Everything @YerWanIsGettinNotions said!

As your new gf I'd be horrified at your aggression and how unpleasant you were to this woman. She might have hoped you would take her back, she might have treated you badly. It didn't need that level of sheer nastiness.

I'd be ending the relationship with you immediately because of your reaction, not because another woman turned up at your door - and my sympathies would be with your ex.

When were you being nice? I'm struggling to work that bit out.

Assuming you're not doing an incel creative writing exercise, I suggest you don't go on about how mad and awful your ex is. Try to summon up a small amount of respect with which to discuss her or your GF's mates will all be saying 'red flag! Red flag! There's always a mad ex and then you turn into the mad ex' when she tells them about you.

Jesus replied on the wrong thread!!! I think your ex dodged a bullet with you

If that's you being 'nice', I really wouldn't like to see you NOT being nice. And you thought a womens forum was the right place for this?

IF you actually said the part to her about her baby having bad genetics then you are certainly not a nice person and your new gf should run for the hills. Because dude...that's serious issues you have right there.

If however, you mean you just thought that part but actually just told her to bugger off and not come back then...that's still not swell but hopefully that wont have messed things up for yourself. It will actually probably work in your favour that you were this blunt to the ex in front of the new love interest.

Waaaay too agressive mate. You could have just said that it's been over for a while, good luck but I don't want to gave any contact anymore, have a nice life. There was no need to put her down like that. That would have me running away tbh. If you can be so nasty to an ex, then what are you like when you'll have a disagreement with your gf?

You actually sound like you haven't really got over her leaving you.

Why should her visiting impact on your current relationship for a while? She came to visit, you said you're not interested in a rather brutal way, she left. Surely that should be the end of the matter.

I would assume your GF didn't like your reaction.

She's probably wondering how you 'd be with her if she ever crossed you.

I'd be absolutely furious if my ex turned up at my house unannounced because I had to put up with a long period of harassment from him and he has been warned not to show up at my house and knows not to do it so for me I don't think her coming to the door is a harmless small thing at all although several posters seemed to play it down.

However what you said about your exes child is awful and I wouldn't be surprised if your girlfriend is seeing you in a different light after that....and worry that you either have a very very nasty side....or that the anger came about because you're not actually over your ex at all.

Why do you think you were nice?

I mean, you don't owe her support and her life isn't your responsibility but if you really said all those things to her when she was on your doorstep...what does "unnecessarily cruel" look like to you?

I'd be having second thoughts about anybody that could be such a dick to be honest.

If you're over someone you don't use that level of agression towards them because you just dont care enough to so if i were your new gf I would seriously have my doubts, purely based on your reaction. What you said about her baby was absolutely disgusting btw.

If I was your new girlfriend I'd be very unimpressed. The drama.

Plus why hadn't you talked about this ex and explained the history, to new gf? It's one of the first conversations Dh and I had, in the first part of getting to know each other: our last relationship, our dating history. On the tv show 'first dates' nearly every single couple discuss it!

You're actually mean and bitter.

I think you did the right thing OP bar the insults on her baby's genetics . I think you are having a hard time here because you are a man. Your ex had no right to turn up to your door uninvited after maliciously getting your address. If this was a woman posting about her ex turning after maliciously getting her address , there would be an outrage and telling the poster to take out a restraining order etc 🙄.
I hope your ex finally got the message