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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Therapy/counselling

29 replies

Anyone9767 · 25/10/2020 06:04

I have recently found out my husband has been talking to people online... For a long time, a lot.

He has said he will seek counselling and has proactively pursued it.

Has anyone been through this? Did therapy help? I don't know if I should speak to someone too?

Anyone that wants to tell me I am an idiot and LTB... Feel free.

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 25/10/2020 06:06

Talking to which people?

Original poster

Anyone9767 · 25/10/2020 06:08

Women

OP posts:

FlatScreenTV01 · 25/10/2020 06:08

You're talking to people online right now

FlatScreenTV01 · 25/10/2020 06:09

And?

BitOfFun · 25/10/2020 06:10

I think you are going to have to be a bit more specific if you are to get useful advice.

BadgersAreReal · 25/10/2020 06:13

What is he seeking counselling for specifically?

Original poster

Anyone9767 · 25/10/2020 06:14

I dont know why I am getting facetious comments... He is talking to people about sex.

OP posts:

BadgersAreReal · 25/10/2020 06:43

I understood that was what you meant by "talking to people". But what is he seeking counselling for? I can't see how that would help.

AgentJohnson · 25/10/2020 07:00

I suspect his counselling is to placate rather than to change.

Good luck but your creepy H is banking on the appearance of contrition to fool you into thinking he has stopped or is trying to stop his sleaziness.

FlatScreenTV01 · 25/10/2020 07:04

What's wrong with typing the word sex?

Dowermouse · 25/10/2020 07:14

Sorry he's abused you in this way, what he's done isn't OK and you would be completely reasonable to assert a boundary and end the relationship.
Plenty of people would advise that it should be you that goes for councelling in this scenario, but actually, you know he's crossed a line and personally I've found that it's very variable as to whether a councellor would actually support the view that a woman should leave an abusive relationship.
Wishing you well op.

Febo24 · 25/10/2020 08:40

Specifics would help to get constructive comments.

If it helps, I found out about my husband's camming habit 3 months ago. We tried to fix it (me more than him) but are now separating.

He tried counselling, but his intention wasn't there (doing it for me) so it failed.

My advice is to focus on you. I'm in counselling now, and the biggest peice of advice was always to put yourself first.

If you have kids then this is super important so that you can function, but for you too, you deserve so much more than this.

Febo24 · 25/10/2020 08:42

@Dowermouse

Sorry he's abused you in this way, what he's done isn't OK and you would be completely reasonable to assert a boundary and end the relationship. Plenty of people would advise that it should be you that goes for councelling in this scenario, but actually, you know he's crossed a line and personally I've found that it's very variable as to whether a councellor would actually support the view that a woman should leave an abusive relationship. Wishing you well op.

Didn't see your comment. Counselling here is important, even if it's just to help the OP move on into healthy relationships in the future. My trust is shot to peices and I worry about being able to move forward

Original poster

Anyone9767 · 25/10/2020 08:52

My husband has a complex history which is why I am willing to see what outcome counselling may have for us both. He definitely needs help for his issues as psychologically he is pretty damaged.

I'm not saying I won't leave.

OP posts:

Original poster

Anyone9767 · 25/10/2020 08:54

He said he will be having counselling whether I am with him or not.

OP posts:

Strangedays20 · 25/10/2020 08:54

Ia he arranging to meet women?

Original poster

Anyone9767 · 25/10/2020 09:00

No. He has never met anyone or exchanged pics. I knlw this for a fact, rather than believing him

OP posts:

Strangedays20 · 25/10/2020 09:14

So what is he doing? What is he on? Who are the women?

Isadora2007 · 25/10/2020 09:17

With complex issues I would be thinking that couple therapy could be very helpful for you to find ways to communicate better and for you to have support and help to understand his issues. And for him to address them with support too.
If the couple counsellor feels it is appropriate she can refer him for individual work but continue with you as a couple too. His issues are impacting on the relationship and he is seeking sexual relief and satisfaction elsewhere so you have couple relevant issues. Good luck.

Josuk · 25/10/2020 09:39

Op - without knowing him or his issues - I’d say it’s a good thing he wants to finally deal with them. And let’s hope that he can heal the psychological damage you mention.
I think couple counselling for the two of you to connect and understand each other better can help too.
The chatting about sex to other people - in the way you describe seems like more a symptom of his issues, so it can go away if issues are addressed.
At the same time - it does seem quite impersonal, more of a fantasy, with no real engagement as there was no pictures.

In my book - it’s quite a small offence - and I’d not be breaking a family over it.

Original poster

Anyone9767 · 25/10/2020 11:56

I see comments on here all the time about the same issue and now its me, i feel so conflicted. Its not as simple as ltb.

He is genuinely a great dad. Patient, kind, funny, hard working. Willing to the hard stuff too not just being a disney dad.

He doesn't spend money on booze, fags etc. He wouldn't spend money on crap or financially abuse me. He pulls his weight around the house, he triescto be considerate in other ways

He makes me laugh, he is so so many good things but then it seems like he is addicted /obssesed with this. And i am lost.

Definitely going to pursue counselling. I dont want to discuss his issues in detail but he had a bad childhood and trauma.

OP posts:

Josuk · 25/10/2020 12:15

In addition to being a good dad - how is he as a partner/husband to you?
Has his chatting affected your intimacy?

Does it threaten you - as in do your think he is actually looking to have real life interactions with someone? Or do you think it’s just an escape into some sort of fantasy as a way of coping with something?

I am only asking these questions so that you can start thinking and processing your feelings. Life is so much more complex than black/white view often presented on MN. That is why you feel conflicted.

Counselling as a way to greater understanding each other and yourself can really help to try to see if there is a way your relationship can proceed in current form, or maybe in a different way.
Have you heard of Esther Perel?
As a counsellor working with couples for years she has an interesting perspective on many of the issues people face. Both Mating in Captivity and The State of Affairs are an interesting read, i think.

Original poster

Anyone9767 · 25/10/2020 14:54

He is really good... Supported my choice to be a sahm by taking on additional work. Csn be a bit thoughtless at times but who isn't? He has also supported us to relocate nearer my family, to considerabke upheaval himself.

Bizarrely, we have a good, if infrequent sex life. I do feel threatened by his behaviour due to the amount. It seems constant.

OP posts:

Josuk · 25/10/2020 15:00

Nothing bizarre about it.
What is driving the frequency of sex life? Would you like it to be more frequent or are you Ok with it as it is?

If you are OK with the frequency - it may be a simple case of him having a higher libido and finding some outlet for it.
And as it doesn’t seem to be anything actually personal - or even visual - I’d have an open and down conversation about it all with him. About your fears and what he is actually missing/compensating for.

Would you like to have more sex with him? Or is there some other outlet for his libido that you would be more OK with?
Would porn be more acceptable?
Or would you like to be more involved in his fantasies?

He does seem like a good H in all other respects, which is rare.

I think you two need to talk about your sexual life and figure things out so that no one feels threatened and/or frustrated.

Original poster

Anyone9767 · 26/10/2020 05:32

I would like more sex but realistically i can't have sex every day. He has also fessed up to talking to people even when we are having sex so it feels like i am irrelevant.

OP posts:

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