Is anyone there?

[notsurewhattodo22]

I don't know what to do.

I've got no motivation anymore, I've not been out of the house for a week. I can't stop missing and crying about a guy I know never cared. He was a huge part of my life and I feel so lost and lonely.

I'm just so down and don't see a way of snapping out of it.

If anyone will talk to me it would really help.

I hadn't slept with anyone for years before him and he was well aware of what it meant to me.

Read it again OP. But don't focus on him and how he behaves. Think about why you allow him to. Why do you keep taking somebody back who treats you so badly. You are hankering for the 6 and he's taken you back down to a 1 or 2 so you will accept even less from him. I've been there. I let it go on for 5 years. I look back now and can't believe how badly I allowed myself to be treated. I only walked away when I found out he had been cheating on me for most of our relationship. I was so caught up in the highs and lows I thought I could only be happy with him. It wasn't true.

I will read again.

I never felt confident around him, constant anxiety. I convinced myself it was me with the problem and I needed to chill out ( maybe I did) but he never made me feel secure, only for about 20% of the time.

Is this how anyone would feel in these circumstances? Or is there something wrong with me?

I'm still in love with him and just can't get him out of my head. I just want it to stop ☹ want to stop crying all the time.

@notsurewhattodo22 I'm in exactly the same boat as you I've spent most of the weekend in tears. I was taking to someone for 8 months and meeting up with them and they are doing the slow fade on me (i posted about this recently) I feel gutted, I looked forward to his calls and messages and now nothing. I have an 8 year old dd with ASD and she has been miserable all weekend too. Just booked for us to go for Sunday lunch just to get us out of the house. You're not alone believe me !!

@notsurewhattodo22 so you’ve never felt confident around him, just full of anxiety. That’s not your fault, that’s because of the way he has continually treat you.

You will start to feel sooo much better and more in control once you give it some time and space. Start doing more things for YOU.
The bad times out weigh the good times. Think of all the negatives he has brought into your life. Focus on those times and how he had made you feel.

What are you up to today ?

lollipop sorry you are going through the same, I hope you have a nice lunch out with your daughter. Have you said anything to your guy or just left it?

madame I'm not doing anything really, my kids are back until later on. Been ordering some clothes for DD.

I've been so lonely, on my own all day and WFH. I don't have any family, a few friends but can't see them at the moment. I don't normally mind being on my own.

I've just been in bed most of the last 3 weeks crying.....I only get motivated when my kids are here and then it's short lived.

He really was the highlight of my day and gave me company even if I didn't see him much.

Thanks for replying...it helps to talk at the moment.

He confused me as he used to say how much he cared for me but his actions rarely proved that. He used to tell me to be honest with him then when I was he made me feel needy and stupid.

He was so inconsistent, made me doubt what 'we' were. Not sure how he could be like that really.

@notsurewhattodo22 thanks, no I have just left it I called him by mistake last night and quickly hung up and he called me this morning but I left it! Similar to you his messages and calls were a highlight of the day for me, I'm isolated I don't have much family or friends so it's hard. I loved meeting up with him we had dinner, drinks lots of laughs I miss that so much.

Sounds like the right thing to do lollipop.

I know mine would reply if I messaged and be friendly, but again it's always me trying to sort things.

He was definitely doing the slow fade on me so after my last efforts I've not contacted him again. So hard....worse when we are isolated isn't it x

Do you have your kids much?
It’s really to get on out of that hole isn’t it. And really easy to message them for a pick up but you know deep down you’ll just end up more upset then you are now.

Could someone else be involved and that’s why he’s giving the slow fade?

I have kids a bit but they are older and do their own thing...plus I can't be bothered doing much with them apart from the bare minimum ☹

I'm pretty sure there's no one else involved although he only recently split with his ex before we met after a long time. I don't think there's anything going on there though.

I feel in a hole I can't get out of...even going out of the house is a struggle. I struggle to do my work too. My kids are going later again with their Dad. I will just go to bed and cry.

I told him so much stuff, things I hadn't told anyone. I trusted him so much. He said he understood and I thought he would do the right thing by me. I should have known better from when he did it before.

I have spoke to my friend but she's very much of the opinion " just forget about him". I feel bad I cant.

He did say he was depressed.

How do you feel when your at work ? Does that take your mind off him?

I know what you mean about not being bothered to do much with your kids, your expected to go through heartbreak whilst also putting on a smiley face to them.

Perhaps it was just too soon after splitting from his ex, maybe he does still have feelings for her...men are just plain odd!

I know how hard it is to not let him consume your every waking thought, but that’s what you need to start doing, if you are to get past this. Start small. Maybe dedicate 5 mins each hour to sit and think bout him etc and then get on with keeping yourself busy the rest of the time.

Thanks madam for talking to me...I've been really upset again. I think it's loneliness too. Just being alone all the time.

I struggle with work...I'm working from home and have quite a responsible job. I had a breakdown a few years ago and was off for months, I fear it's happening again. I told my boss I'm not too good and they will let me take time off if I want but I'm not sure that's the best thing to do. They also said I could go back to the office but I don't think I can.

I don't want to go back to the point I was a few years ago, I had to go to the hospital every day. I feel like I'm getting close though.

I'm on the highest dose of anti depressants too and they don't help. Nothing helps.

It is really hard, my ex sounds exactly like yours!! Loving one min cold the next and an absolute head fuck!!
I feel so much better now that I’m in control, everything he did or did not do made me really anxious and it was hard getting out of that.
Like you, my self esteem was at zero and my mental health was deteriorating, all due to him. I think a lot of it was due to him being in control. Whereas I now have the control.
I downloaded quite a few self help books too which seem to be helping and are also seeing a counsellor through my work.

Glad talking is helping, I find talking to strangers easier as there is no judgement

Oh and like you I am also on the highest dose of antidepressants and they didn’t seem to work, I’d recommend the counselling.

What are you on? I'm on sertraline.

I'm absolutely desperate to message him as he's the only person I have told stuff to....about what I've been through. I know he would reply and be polite but he's not bothered. I find it hard as I told him so much stuff.

What happened with your ex?

Yeah people I know are sick of it and think I should just snap out of it.

Im on sertraline too, thinking of changing to be honest!

I was with mine nearly 8 years, he gave me the “I love you but not in love with you” story at Xmas, moved in with his friend and then I found out he had cheated on me. Then we had months of hot and cold behaviour and it’s finally stopped now.
I do miss him, but more so the idea I have of him. He was very self absorbed and never thought of me and what I was going through.

I’ve recently being looking into learning a new language, I studied french at school so I’m considering that, sick of my life being put on hold it’s time for me to put myself in first position.

My family and friends just slated him all the time so get I could never talk to them about it. My counsellor was a great help though.

I get what you mean about wanting to message him but it will make you feel worse in the long run.

Have you read chump lady? And the pick me dance ?

No I've never read those books, I might look into them.

French sounds good, you should definitely do that. Sorry your ex was such a headfuck too.

I've got into bed now, I'm just crying as normal. I used to be so confident...I've brought up my kids mainly on my own...taken them on holiday on my own.

I've gone so downhill....I'm scared of ending up in hospital again to be honest. I know it wouldn't get me anywhere messaging so I will write here instead.

My kids are lovely, really lovely kids. They deserve a better mum than me.

Do you have children?

Google Chump Lady and have a read of her website. It’s really good.

I lived in France for a few years just before I started Secondary School so it’s always something I’ve wanted to do and now seems the best time.

I find that I always feel better the mor productive I am, even if that’s just making my bed in a morning. I always feel better once I’ve showered, done my hair and make up too. Making the effort for myself and no one else.

I would call your doctor tomorrow and ask to change medications be referred for counseling/CBT. The antidepressants just mask over stuff, they don’t sort out the root cause.

Do you work full time? You mentioned your boss said about you having time off work, is that not something you wish to do? I myself find I’m better working and keeping my mind off stuff but I did have a week off during the start of all this and it really helped.

Your doing the best you can right now for your kids and I’m sure that they know how much you love them and that your just having a rough time at the minute.

Why don’t you write out 3 things you can do tomor that will make you feel better, like get a bath/shower, do your hair, paint your nails, sort out the show cupboard, go for a walk, read up on CBT Techniques etc. Can you think of anything that you enjoy doing that you’ve not done lately?

I do yes, my ds is 6 and dd is 3. There has being times when I’ve thought, had it not being for them, I wouldn’t be here now. It’s really hard to play with them and be fun when your dying inside but I’ve found that spending time with them, even if it’s just laid on the floor playing with dolls, it puts a smile on my face. Sometimes it’s nice to drag us all out and go for a walk in the fields near where we live.

Yes I work full time, have been WFH since March. I do have a nice employer so I am lucky in that respect.

I do manage to have a shower and cook. I do try and look after the kids, they are lovely to me but they probably deserve a better mum. They are 13 / 14.

I don't know what I could do for myself as I just have no motivation really...as I said I've not left the house for ages unless it's to get kids / go shopping. I don't get enjoyment out of anything anymore really.

I haven't worn make up for ages...I don't see the point.....

All I do is wake up, see kids and go back to bed whenever I can and cry...that's been it for weeks. I have watched a bit of tv recently though.

I was referred to cbt once but I didn't like it...it seemed very odd just giving me bits of paper to work through. When I was in hospital that time I saw a psychiatrist who was good but the doctor won't refer me for that as I'm not 'bad' enough.

Life is just miserable and existing really. I used to really enjoy running, I really can't even bear the thought of going out of the house now nevermind running.

Oh lovely, believe us all when we say it gets easier... it really really does
Just take one day at a time and do some self preservation
I read someone say on here once that to get through NC they drew up a planner and put goals and rewards on it for each week they kept NC. I wish I’d had that idea earlier this year when I was in a similar situation!
Met a guy, liked each other, got led on and he eventually just blew me off and ignored all my attempts at engaging with him. It was soul destroying and I wish I’d maintained my dignity and went NC sooner. I’m very much over it now and have met a wonderful man
Honestly, truly you deserve soooooo much love and respect and it is on it’s way to you