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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My husband has left me.

95 replies

Amina1234 · 24/10/2020 17:44

First time posting here, so please bare with me. I am a mother of 2 aged 11 and 7 both are from my previous partner, which ended 7 years ago. Last year I got married islamically to this most amazing man (so I thought) and everything was great. I once in my life felt like my children were going to have the family unit they deserve. My husband was great, so was his family even though their was a language barrier between his family he managed to translate for us to communicate. My husband and his family, accepted me and my children with open arms. Soon as we married, we starting ttc, 6 months in cracks started to develop, I discovered he had lied about a lot of things, some little and some not so little. I stupidly chose to stay, and forgave him as he was apologetic and was crying (all a act). Every time I would find out he lied again, he would get angry and say rude things, like if I came to him ‘pure’ he wouldn’t have to lie. He started turning everything on me. If I would question where money was coming from, as I was worried he was doing illegal things, he would tell me to shut my mouth, it’s not my business and that a woman like me (single mum of 2) should be more worried about kissing his feet for marrying me, than worrying about where his money was coming from. Talk like this destroyed my self esteem, I started to believe him and catered to his every whim. I lived on egg shells, which only got worse. Every month when my period would come he wouldn’t be happy, after a year of trying I visited my go who agreed to start investigating our fertility, there was waiting lists. A few months went by and his verbal abuse turned physical, all to which sometimes my children would witness. He had even kicked my front door in, in a state of anger, I didn’t call the police. I don’t know why. I was scared and believed I was worthless like he said i was. During the months waiting for our fertility appointments I tried to express my feelings about bringing a baby into this and he would just get angry, and ask me why I say easy had children with my ex partner but wasn’t willing to have children with him my husband. When I would tell him how he hurts me with his words and actions it always fell on deaf ears. My first appointment came around and I was taken for bloods and swabs, at this point, things were bad. The abuse wouldn’t stop just in the house, it would happen in the street or even the supermarket he would shout and degrade me in front of everybody. After my first appointment he left me, I was devastated, I felt everything what he said I was. Worthless. A few days past and he came home. He was sweet as pie, nicer than usual. It lasted a whole 2 weeks before he upped and left again. Again I was devastated, I couldn’t eat or sleep barely functioning. He had called me while he had left to say Talāq 3 times (divorce). I had to accept it, but the day later I done a pregnancy test out of curiosity, to my shock it was positive at this point we had been trying over a year. I called to tell him he said he was coming home straight away. He came home angry, not that I was pregnant, but still angry at me for what reason I don’t know. He came home with a list of ‘orders’ for me. That our child as soon born we would be moving with his family abroad. The list was endless. A few weeks have gone by and I can’t say there has been a day I have been genuinely happy to be pregnant again, he has left again and my eyes are wide open now, I see the abuse for everything that it has been the controlling narcissistic ways, the red flags where there, in so many ways I chose to ignore. But I don’t know what to do with the pregnancy, I have no family support and I can’t trust him to be involved, not with his threats, I will be a single mum of 3 with no support what so ever physically and financially. I am scared to go through with a abortion as it has taken so long to conceive I am scared this will be my last chance of conceiving. I am also struggling coming to terms of him not here, I feel so confused and any advice from women in similar situations would be great.

OP posts:
Amina1234 · 24/10/2020 17:44

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OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 24/10/2020 17:48

You need to do everything possible to get away from this man, completely and permanently. Only you can make this decision, but I would not be continuing with this pregnancy. You will be tied to him for years under constant threats. Please think about your safety and that of your existing children.

Bummsbet · 24/10/2020 17:50

Honestly (and I don't say this lightly) I would have an abortion in this situation. You have two beautiful children already, you should focus on making them and yourself safe. They come first. You are there to protect them!
Please do not take this man back! No good can come from this relationship! For both you and your children!! This man is abusive and he is going to ruin your life and your childrens.

picosandsancerre · 24/10/2020 17:51

Sounds truly horrendous. How are your older DC dealing with this nightmare? I think your going to have to focus on yourself and your DC. Your in a terribly abusive marriage and you need to decide on what your going to do about your pregnancy. No one can tell you what to do however given the mess your in you need to get real life support and specialist help around the abuse and protect your poor older DC who have been subjected to this nightmare. Your the adult and need to protect them too

Newwayofthinking · 24/10/2020 17:53

Unless you really want this child, I would have a termination and then run for the hills.

If you have a child with him, he will forever be in your life

TiggerDatter · 24/10/2020 17:54

OP I don’t really know what to say, this is so horrific. I fear for your safety. Where are your DC? Is there anyone you can reach out to in real life? Many 💐

Nsky · 24/10/2020 17:56

Get help to go to a women’s refuge and as soon as you can

mysticpistachio · 24/10/2020 17:57

Run.

Tryalittletenderness · 24/10/2020 18:00

So the good news is that you are not legally ( or islamically) married to him. Don’t put his name on the birth certificate. However, if you’re in the UK you won’t get any benefits for baby number 3 ( I think)...

Elsiebear90 · 24/10/2020 18:01

I honestly would have a termination if I were you, you already have two children, this guy will make your life hell if you have his child, also taking a long time to conceive may have been due to him and not you, so there’s no reason to think you wouldn’t be able to have any more children in the future.

MrsMoastyToasty · 24/10/2020 18:05

You said that you got married according to Islam. Did you have a UK civil ceremony? I understood Nikah marriage weren't recognised unless the couple had had a civil marriage performed by a recognised registrar as well.

Christmasfairy2020 · 24/10/2020 18:07

Hve an abortion as he will take the child and run!! I'd say you miscarried xx

charmsofasimplelife · 24/10/2020 18:10

You need to get your older children away and to safety ASAP.

Don't fall for this man again. Don't believe any promises or lies.

Think about your 2 elder children.

footprintsintheslow · 24/10/2020 18:14

I would tell everyone I's miscarried then get yourself in a women's refuge via women's aid or another charity. Get rehoused somewhere very very far away that you can have a fresh start in. Then you decide if you abort or keep the current pregnancy.

marveloustimeruiningeverything · 24/10/2020 18:16

Women's Aid. Call them. As soon as it's safe. And ask them to help you leave safely.

Ging7878 · 24/10/2020 18:17

Please contact woman's aid or any other refuge urgently. You and your children are in danger and need to be in a safe place. Once your safe, you can see how you really feel about the pregnancy.

Ohdoleavemealone · 24/10/2020 18:20

I don't think it is a good idea to have the baby. Your older children will need their mum after witnessing the abuse and need to have your full attention and love right now.

tigger001 · 24/10/2020 18:21

Im sad to say, i would also terminate this pregnancy, if you carried on the child would have an awful life with a father like him, you will never be free of him.
Miscarry and then pack up enough to get by and go.

Your children must come first.

Amina1234 · 24/10/2020 18:24

I contacted the police and women’s aid 2 weeks ago, I refused to be moved as I’m in a difficult situation. My dad passed away 7 years ago and ever since my mum got diagnosed with vascular dementia a year after he died. My mum is still kind of young (66) and needs me, I am her sole career. I have no other family and I can’t reach out to my mum for help as she wouldn’t be able to process it all. My eldest 11 isn’t taking things to well women’s aid have offered her counselling but she has refused atm but they are going to keep trying. No thankfully we only had a nikkah and not in a registry office. I am having really bad panic attacks at the moment, and struggling to speak without crying. I wish I could up and move to start a new but my mum needs me. My head is all over the place.

OP posts:
downandout1000 · 24/10/2020 18:28

I'm sorry you are living like this! This is no way for anyone to live!
I am another saying to terminate the pregnancy (and I don't say it lightly)
Run... run far away you and your two children
Contact women's refuge ASAP!!! Tonight please!
He will only get worse if you stay and or carry on with the pregnancy

Tiny2018 · 24/10/2020 18:28

Honestly, termination and move so he cannot find you. Many Islamic men are brought up to believe that their children are their property. Cut all ties and move on for all your sakes.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/10/2020 18:29

Please consider a termination. Having his child would make your life, and that child's life, a living hell.

GameSetMatch · 24/10/2020 18:45

Yes in your situation I would terminate and I would say I miscarried, I think a divorce sounds like the best idea the knob head has come up with.

S111n20 · 24/10/2020 18:51

The way he treats you is heartbreaking. Please stay away from this man it sounds like he has totally destroyed you. How sad, what a horrible man. Would you honestly want him been the father of your child ? I honestly think he would take this baby from you to hurt you. You really need to put yourself and other 2 children first.

widespreadpanic · 24/10/2020 18:52

This reminds me of the movie “Not without my Daughter “.

You should terminate and get the hell out of dodge.

And if you don’t terminate them you will always be in fear that he will kidnap your baby and take it overseas never to be found again. Too many real life stories about these situations.

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