Mil trying to come round every chance she can.

[alesha123445]

Me and partner have a 8month old, we live down the road to my inlaws. It can be nice haveing them close but it also means lots of "popping round" and expectations to go round to them every weekend. My partner diesng go round for visits, I think its because she doesnt give him space to miss her.

3 weeks ago i saw the mil Saturday, Sunday, monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, friday, saturday. One visit was 10mins , the rest between between 2-4hours. When I didnt go round that sunday she messaged me going "i really missed seeing you today" (she probably just missed the baby) she will buy baby clothes and different things to give her an excuse to come round.

Sometimes i just see her on the weekend but some weeks can be like that. She will sometimes ring and tell me shes comeing, other times she will knock randomly.

I was asked a question by one of her sisters "have you seen your mil recently" she said it in a way that was implying I hadn't seen her in a while, when I said how often I saw her.. her face looked confused and that was the end of that conversation. If shes going to others saying she doesnt see us enough, what the hell does she want from me? Even if she sees us once a week for 2 hours, shouldn't that be enough? Shes obsessed with wanting to babysit and have my baby alone, I've said no every time. it's like she needs to see my baby all the time in order to make up for the bonding she missing from babysitting. We are a young couple, I'm mature and I've never needed her help since we moved out 8 months ago and had our lo. maybe shes scared shes not in the loop anymore and shes not needed?
This weekend the fil is comeing round to fix a part of the house, mil is comeing with him and will be staying as long as hes there which will be most the day. She said wants to spend time with us..Why is she like this :/ I'm introverted and it can be a lot, if I dont go round to them she will come to us and it's hard to get her to leave so that's why I go to her on the weekend.

Plus with covid, I need to keep my distance because I go round to see my high risk family. She goes "well were only in tier 1, our areas not in tier 2" se can still make groups of 6, but she will go in new groups of 6 every day, haveing contact with every one of them. Shes even trying to lie about the damn covid so I dont stop her visiting, but it feels like a great reason to stop her comeing round.

That sounds horrific I have no advice as we live far away from all our relatives, but I do sympathise as that would do my head in!

I’m sure she is a loving grandmother but she is going about it all the wrong way and being overbearing.
Your partner needs to step up and support you here by gently putting in place some boundaries with his mum. Would he do this?
On the occasions she pops round unannounced when it’s just you and the baby I would suggest not opening the door, don’t be so available. Do you have a ring doorbell so you can see who it is?
Could you have set days/times when she visits or you visit them and stick to that?

Oh gosh op this awful and way too much. It's too intrusive. But now she is in the habit it's going to be hard to break. My mil would be like this if we lived nearer. Nice but wants contact all the time.
Can dh have a word with her?
There will be some upset from all of this.

I really feel for you, this is way too much way too often. This woman is smothering you, no wonder you’re feeling the way you are. This is something for your partner to sort, it’s his Mother. Yes it probably will put her nose out of joint, but the sooner something’s said the better. I’d find this overwhelming, this woman needs to find something else to focus on. Arrange visiting times, being a grandparent is wonderful, but the visits have to be mutually enjoyed!

If he took the baby over once at the weekend and said to her once during the week to visit you and baby. Then just don't answer the door. You're afraid with covid etc

This would drive me insane OP! I think DH needs to talk to her and lay down some ground rules. This would make me really miserable.

No constructive advise OP but I hugely sympathise, certain members of DPs family are like this and I find it so irritating. I can't avoid them as I see them on the school run and they purposely wait for me after drop off and pick up and ask if they can come for a cuppa. A cuppa I don't mind, but 1 cup of tea turns into lunch and the "I may as well stay until we pick the kids up as it isn't worth going home".

I'm an introvert who loves being alone, I have too much to do at home that i can't do when people come over and when the toddler takes a rare nap i want to have that time to binge watch Netflix! I've started fibbing about already having plans 😳

To be honest I would seriously consider moving house.

This is my idea of actual Hell. And grool, you need to invent a fictional charity shop job.

You need to sort something out or this will damage your marriage.

Your dp needs to tell his mum to back off and give you some space. And I'd start taking the little one out for the day. Long walks in the new forest or along the nearest beach. Be less available.

Being in a marriage or relationship does not make you an unpaid companion for his mother if you don't want to be.

That sounds like a nightmare situation to me, but one I'm familiar with. I grew up very independent as my single parent mother had no time for us kids. Met and married DH, an only child with over involved parents, and was then expected to be in a close relationship with them too! It took a while, and a period of no contact, after MIL pushed too hard and basically told everyone I was awful, they never saw us (only 2 or 3 times a week!), cried about not being welcome - and this was before we even had children! Honestly it nearly broke us as DH was so controlled by them.

Remember, you hold the cards here, you have what she wants - the baby - so you can toughen up and she will have to accept it to continue seeing the baby. It's hard I know, but you need your DH to step up and put on a united front. It's not your fault nor responsibility that she has no life!

Ideally you need to move house, to put some distance between you and them. Failing that, a firm "I'm really busy next week but you're welcome to pop over on Saturday if that works for you?"

She needs sitting down and presenting with the facts by your partner who surely sees the problem his mother’s behaviour is causing.

He’s allowed this ringer out of shape by mis-managing her boundaries.

What an entitled, self-serving agenda she has.

Oh, I feel for you. Reading that made me feel claustrophobic! Ye gods. Smother-in-law.

He doesn't visit with the baby.. But thats exactly what he needs to do.

I agree she’s smothering you. How often would you like to see her?

I’ve read on here before the advice to put a coat on when answering the door. If it’s a welcome visitor, you’ve just arrived home. If it’s someone you don’t want to see, you’re just about to go out... that would involve always being as ready as possible to take your lo out.

Ringer? Bloody predictive.

I meant “to get”

Move house.

Or put in some boundaries. Stop going at weekends. Say you need some quiet time with the baby, practice saying no. Avoid leaning on them for practical help, so they have no leverage.

Get your dh to intervene for you. If he won't, you have a dh problem. He seems to have opted out and is leaving you to deal with his mother - that's not OK.

Get your DH to talk to her and set a bit of a schedule - eg one visit midweek, one at the weekend. Keep them both short. Do the coat trick if she calls round at other times and don’t be dissuaded by “I’m only popping in for 5 minutes”.

All the wanting to babysit crap would get on my nerves when your baby is so young. Perhaps just say something if she mentions that again eg “We won’t be leaving baby until they’re 2/3/4yrs or whatever”.

It sounds like you lived with her initially? Never a good idea. You’ll have to work at putting some appropriate distance in. I’d also look at moving too - or maybe mention it to her so she gets the hint and behaves less suffocatingly.

Move house (you need far more physical as well as mental distance here) and raise your all too low boundaries. Would you have tolerated this from a friend?. Likely not.

What does your H say about all this and if he will not/cannot intervene then you also have a DH problem because of his own fear, obligation and guilt when it comes to his parents.

That's a lot of visits and I'd find that hard.

I think I would deal with this by arranging for her to have the baby for a few hours once or twice a week.

Give her jobs to do op. That is overbearing though.

She will baulk at being told how many times she can visit and will blame the OP, not her son. It’s that part that he needs to jump on and rationalise for her. It won’t be an easy chat.

You need to have some boundaries. Use Covid as an excuse if you think it will help.

Your post sounds very familiar, excuse me if I am wrong.
As other people have said today and previously your DH needs to sort this.

My ex mil was like this. I used to hide upstairs from her when she knocked, it was very obvious that I was doing this, she eventually took the hint and gave me some peace. She had her own issues and was trying to relive her parenting days through my son, I wasn't having it.