Mil trying to come round every chance she can.

[alesha123445]

Me and partner have a 8month old, we live down the road to my inlaws. It can be nice haveing them close but it also means lots of "popping round" and expectations to go round to them every weekend. My partner diesng go round for visits, I think its because she doesnt give him space to miss her.

3 weeks ago i saw the mil Saturday, Sunday, monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, friday, saturday. One visit was 10mins , the rest between between 2-4hours. When I didnt go round that sunday she messaged me going "i really missed seeing you today" (she probably just missed the baby) she will buy baby clothes and different things to give her an excuse to come round.

Sometimes i just see her on the weekend but some weeks can be like that. She will sometimes ring and tell me shes comeing, other times she will knock randomly.

I was asked a question by one of her sisters "have you seen your mil recently" she said it in a way that was implying I hadn't seen her in a while, when I said how often I saw her.. her face looked confused and that was the end of that conversation. If shes going to others saying she doesnt see us enough, what the hell does she want from me? Even if she sees us once a week for 2 hours, shouldn't that be enough? Shes obsessed with wanting to babysit and have my baby alone, I've said no every time. it's like she needs to see my baby all the time in order to make up for the bonding she missing from babysitting. We are a young couple, I'm mature and I've never needed her help since we moved out 8 months ago and had our lo. maybe shes scared shes not in the loop anymore and shes not needed?
This weekend the fil is comeing round to fix a part of the house, mil is comeing with him and will be staying as long as hes there which will be most the day. She said wants to spend time with us..Why is she like this :/ I'm introverted and it can be a lot, if I dont go round to them she will come to us and it's hard to get her to leave so that's why I go to her on the weekend.

Plus with covid, I need to keep my distance because I go round to see my high risk family. She goes "well were only in tier 1, our areas not in tier 2" se can still make groups of 6, but she will go in new groups of 6 every day, haveing contact with every one of them. Shes even trying to lie about the damn covid so I dont stop her visiting, but it feels like a great reason to stop her comeing round.

Just to add I was a very quiet 21 year old at that time, I'm older now and would just tell her to feck off!!

Been there op.

Something gets said to them and for a while they behave and then it creeps back in.

Lockdown was bliss for us in that we didn't have a visit every single day from one parent or another with no text or call first and just letting themselves into our house.

Started up again recently and I threw my toys out of the pram at my mum and dh did the same to his dm and told them under no uncertain terms were either of them to keep doing it.

If they call and we are busy tough and not to even consider just rocking up and letting themselves in.

No way will I tolerate getting home from work and finding them sat in my garden again.

The only way is to be very clear-it’ll be hideous and she’ll undoubtedly be offended but you need to assert your boundaries. Make sure she has appropriate levels of contact, that you and DP feel ok with, then meet her on the doorstep and just say you can’t invite her in because you are (insert doing whatever you like, including just spending some time playing alone w baby-there doesn’t need to be a ‘good reason’). If /when she kicks off, just grey rock her: ‘“I’m sorry that you are upset; this is important for me”. Repeat to fade.

Agree you need to put boundaries in op. I thought my mil would be fine as before we had DS she didn't come round- we made the effort but when we did see them it was lovely and great fun.

And then I had DS and couldn't move without her being there. And he wasn't the first grandchild either - he was number 4!

You just have to make yourself unavailable and reward her when she backs off. Plus your DH should take the baby round on his own one morning of the weekend. Just so you get a break and she gets to see the baby without pressuring you.

Sounds draining tbh.

Another one that is for your dh needs to step in now and have a conversation with her.

Invent a fictional college course OP, and anyone else who is struggling with this. One that you do at home. I am actually just starting a degree and an unexpected side effect is I just say 'oh, sorry I can't, have an online lecture/work/reading to do' and it's pretty much accepted. 😁

All my family wonder why I speak so poorly of her because shes asked to pop round and fold our washing, she is always there for us when we need something and tries to help but it's hard to be appreciative. I see her so much that she alone irritates me, that I end up forgetting the good she does. She allowed me to live with them for 1 year and took me back and fourth to my home which is 30mins away, i used to love her company but she would never intrude in on me. I see her more now than I did living there.
I get irritated when she folds my washing, when she golds my baby, when she gives advice on how to decorate my living room. If anyone else did these things I wouldnt care, i think im starting to resent her.

Me and my partner are the same age but hes more dependant on his mum. When it came to choosing the house, his mum tried to say how AMAZING this house was down the street. I said to him that i didnt want that one but he got it anyway. Now I'm stuck until he decides he wants to move.

Over time my partners starting to tell her "can you go now" when hes pesent for her visits. He has started to tell me I dont have to go on the weekends too. He does annoy me though, he blames the fact he doesnt reply to her texts because I'm always on his phone, o have it about 2 hours of the day when I use it for baby white noise. He definitely puts his mum on me at times. Shes comeing today so I'm gonna sneak out to take the baby for a walk and he can deal with her.

I think you've got the right idea OP, make it into your partner's problem rather than yours.
If you're happy with short visits, then after 15 mins or so stand up and say brightly " Well we don't want to be taking up all your time MIL" and hustle her out of the house. When she starts criticising or telling you what to do just change the subject or ignore her, or again give her the" Well it's been lovely to see you, must be getting on"

Try and get her into a set routine of once or at most twice per week. TBH it sounds like she's desperate to spend time with the baby, so when you're comfortable with that, it will be handy to have a babysitter on tap.

@category12

Move house.

Or put in some boundaries. Stop going at weekends. Say you need some quiet time with the baby, practice saying no. Avoid leaning on them for practical help, so they have no leverage.

Get your dh to intervene for you. If he won't, you have a dh problem. He seems to have opted out and is leaving you to deal with his mother - that's not OK.

This.

It would worry me if she has told your sil that you dont see her enough. Sounds rather manipulative.

Your partner (not you) needs to tell his mother that she is being too full on and that coming over every day is too much. Like pp said, if he cant do that, then you have a husband problem.

And why did you agree to stay somewhere you didnt want to stay? That's absolute madness op. You have to find your voice and start using it.

If your partner wont start standing up for you (and taking your needs into account) then don't yourself (and bin him).

*then do it yourself

You will look back on this and be so angry with your DH.

He needs to tell her it is too much. Or you need to move so you have more control.

I agree this is way too many visits but is there any particular reason why she can’t spend some alone time with your DC? Nothing major if you’re not comfortable but she could at least be taking your DC for walks in the buggy etc for an hour or so or similar, couldn’t she? Or babysitting while you pop out or something? Don’t fall into the trap of thinking you and your DH can be your baby’s only carers. Caring, competent grandparents can be an amazing resource.

If you don’t trust her to look after your baby well enough, of course, don’t do it. But remember grandparents have done this before. You seem to assume she can’t have alone time with your DC and unless there’s a backstory (and there may well be), I don’t see why that’s a foregone conclusion.

There’s a fabulous saying: it takes a village to raise a child. I’m a big fan of that. Circumstances don’t always permit it but having a number of loving, competent adults in your child’s life can be a real benefit for all involved.

I think DH needs to step up here and back you up a bit! Also I agree with others that you should just tell her you are going out/busy etc. She shouldn’t just be turning up and putting you on the spot. Maybe next time she does this you or DH could say to her that you are busy and next time best to call in advance to check it’s okay to come over?

Also why is she folding your washing? She’s probably just wanting to be needed and trying to be helpful and feels lonely maybe. How is her relationship with her husband I wonder?

I would be polite but stop letting her do so much for you, be less available where you can (difficult at the moment due to Covid I know, though you could say due to Covid you think it’s best you don’t see each other for a few weeks?)

Take the baby out away from fil being busy. You need to be less available...

@Dery

There’s a fabulous saying: it takes a village to raise a child. I’m a big fan of that. Circumstances don’t always permit it but having a number of loving, competent adults in your child’s life can be a real benefit for all involved.

What's that got to do with this situation? Literally nobody is saying children don't need anyone else in their lives.

...and tbf, most people get to choose the actual villiage this occurs in.

@DefinitelyPossiblyMaybe - yes, I can see why that looked random. I was developing the theme from my previous post. I agree with everyone that this is way too much from the MIL. So I was addressing the point that OP seems to assume that her MIL can’t have any alone time with her DC. There may be a good reason for that but if not, I don’t think it needs to be a foregone conclusion. Her MIL might calm down a bit if she’s allowed to take baby for a walk in the buggy or similar once a week or so.

Try and be assertive and tell her "If you wouldn't mind giving us notice when you come round it would be very much appreciated", then the next time she shows up unannounced don't open the door. Or better yet, have DP tell her to give you guys some notice! I understand that she wants to see a lot of her grandchild, but she needs to understand that you guys need time as a family without them there all the time! Ask DP to have a word and tell her she need to "back off", but in a gentle way.