Hello all,
I have been married for a little over 4 years (without kids) and I am finding it increasingly hard to cope with my husband's mood swings.
Here's an example: We're celebrating a special occasion. He pampers me, gives in to my wishes (I wanted to go on a short trip, he wouldn't be thrilled about the plan normally), goes out of his way to organise something special the next day just for me. He is all sweet and caring, giving me back rubs, saying loving words to me. It feels genuine.
I'm looking at the calendar and this state lasted exactly 8 days.
Today he was clearly pissed since he woke up. His didn't greet me with a kiss in the morning, he came looking for me, asking about something I misplaced (by washing it and putting it somewhere to dry). This is an object he uses in his morning routine and it was dirty. I use it too sometimes, and I am the one who bears the mental load of the house chores, so I washed it. He wanted to know why I had washed it? By the tone of his voice I could tell he was subtly defiant and annoyed, so after calmly answering some of his questions, I became impatient and did not apologise. I said, in a rather condescending, "please-stop-it" way tbh, "I wash it if it needs to be washed". It seems he was expecting an apology though.
It is worth mentioning that he becomes very sensitive about misplaced things. I understand that. I CANNOT understand why he would pick an argument over something like this.
He then blew up, kind of. Began threatening me with getting rid of all my stuff. "I'll do it, you'll see, it's all going in the trash". He says I misplace and get rid of all his stuff and then I fill the house with mine (I never throw out his stuff). He told me the condescending tone in my replies destroys "everything" (meaning the loving environment, the trust) and that is what made him angry. I did not reply once to his threats about throwing out my stuff and simply said that his mood swings were unpredictable and asked why the sudden change? It's been a few hours since you were rubbing my feet on the couch.
This kind of behaviour and unpredictability makes me feel cynical and numb. He can be loving, caring and an amazing person. But then sth small happens and he reconsiders everything, hides behind his shell.
I never know exactly what triggers these mood swings and I find myself doing mental gymnastics to try to find the one remark or small event that's at the root of it. I just know it's going to happen. Perhaps I am not very good at identifying weak spots, I don't know.
Please note that I am by no means perfect. I can be self-centred as I have anxiety issues and it prevents me from paying attention to what is going on around me. He has told me before that he sometimes feels abandoned because of this, or that he feels like he gives and gives and gets no generosity in return. I understand that these things take a toll on him and he's not very good at expressing his feelings. But still I feel like there are red lines for me which I could never cross or he would leave me or make a huge deal out of it, while in the heat of the moment he takes the liberty to talk to me the way he likes. He can become offended by the tone of my voice but I just have to ignore the fact that he threatened me with throwing out all of my stuff and move on. I believe I always measure my words when I speak to him, trying not to say something offensive.
The question is how to handle this now? How to embrace the imperfect man that is my husband and forgive him? I probably shouldn't make a big deal out of it, but I can't bring myself to ignore it happened. I can already tell that the weekend is going to suck.
Again, I am posting here because it is a recurrent pattern.
Would you apologise and move on? Am I making a big deal out of sth small?
Thank you in advance for your time and help.