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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this weird behaviour from my boyfriend and his boss?

50 replies

Meganchivers · 22/10/2020 17:58

Ok so me and my boyfriend have been going out for a year now. He recently got like a ‘promotion’ at work, and things in my opinion have got a little strange and different.
He has a new line manager (we’ll call her Nina) who in the past he has expressed that he thinks she is good looking and a really nice person. She is a “I get on so much better with boys” sort of woman, when I used to work with them, all the girls including myself weren’t keen on her, but all the boys loved her.

Anyway, since he got this ‘promotion’ they have had to work a lot closer together, I think he spends most of his days at work with her in the office. They text A LOT outside of work, and he was also becoming a little distant from me, so I got this gut feeling something was up. Then, I did something really bad and looked through his phone. I know this is so awful to do, but I just hear about people cheating all the time, I needed to know. The texts to me seemed a little strange. She said things like, I’ll buy you a pint, sent him a picture of cookies she’d made, said he was her favourite worker and also said, at least we’re together.

Nina is 31 years old, and a manager talking to to a 21 year old, these texts seem a little unprofessional to me i don’t know. Anyway, I confronted him about it, I didn’t tell him I went on his phone I just said I saw a weird message from her come up, and now he is so funny about me even glancing at his phone, and I just know it’s her texting him:( I’m so paranoid, but I don’t want to tell him to stop texting her because I don’t want to seem like a psycho girlfriend, plus it’s his boss so he does need to talk to her. The fact is, he is with her everyday, sees her more than he sees me, and that’s really getting me down.
(Another fact about Nina is that, when I worked with them, she was having a relationship with a then 24 year old, a bit young for a 30 year old in my opinion? Maybe she likes younger boys!)
What should I do? Any advice is welcome.

OP posts:
user18594 · 22/10/2020 18:00

Sounds like a cougar to me ;-)

seensome · 22/10/2020 18:07

She's likes to prove she's still got it with the younger men and your boyfriend is flattered by the friendship of his manager, it's not professional imo, I think if it's constant contact I'd be annoyed too.

JaJaDingDong · 22/10/2020 18:10

Is a "promotion" or "like a promotion" different from an actual promotion?

Meganchivers · 22/10/2020 18:15

He has a different role in the store now and gets more money. So yeah, it’s a promotion 😂

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Meganchivers · 22/10/2020 18:17

They’re with each other everyday at work and texting loads outside of work :(

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Meganchivers · 22/10/2020 18:18

Should I bring up that I’ve read the messages and I’m not happy or is that insane ?

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JaJaDingDong · 22/10/2020 18:19

Have you read the messages?

seensome · 22/10/2020 18:32

Do what you feel is best? I suspect it won't stop though as they work together, besides he could strike up another friendship like this wherever he goes. From what you've read there's nothing going on yet but quite understand your concerns when he's giving her a lot of attention and started being distant with you. I guess you don't have any ties with him such as living together yet? Think whether you really want to be in a relationship where you feel pushed out?

SandyY2K · 22/10/2020 18:42

I wouldn't say you've read the messages, but I personally would not over invest myself in this relationship on an emotional level.

I'm not sure what she means by "At least we're together"

category12 · 22/10/2020 18:45

What I've learnt in life is not to hang on by your fingertips to relationships. If they don't make you feel secure and you're tearing your hair out doubting them, then get out.

You're young - get out there and find someone else.

Meganchivers · 22/10/2020 18:50

Yeah 😬

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Meganchivers · 22/10/2020 18:51

Yeah your right. I just wanted to know if I was being crazy or not. I don’t mind him having girl friends what so ever, but this does seem a little odd to me.

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Meganchivers · 22/10/2020 18:52

They were moaning about work and she said at least we are together.

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Meganchivers · 22/10/2020 18:52

Yeah your right, and I am tearing my hair out😭 it’s the worst feeling

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DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 22/10/2020 19:02

It doesn't sound ideal, but you could be reading too much into the "at least we are together comment." because if he was moaning about work, then its the kind of thing a colleague who is a friend would say in a cheer you up sort of way.
But its not unreasonable for you to be on alert

Meganchivers · 22/10/2020 19:23

I really hope I am reading too much into it. I just hate the thought of him being excited to go into work to see her, if what I suspect is the case.

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nosswith · 22/10/2020 20:18

Work should as much as possible be at work and not conversations at all hours.

PearPickingPorky · 22/10/2020 20:35

Since your boyfriend is 21, I assume you are very young too?

Dump him, and move on, is my advice. Life is too short to be in relationships like this where you are desperately clinging on to a guy who doesn't put up appropriate boundaries with other women and makes you (rightly) feel this insecure.

itsgettingcoldoutside · 22/10/2020 20:53

I don't know if this helps, but my dh has a new boss and she is getting on my bloody nerves!!!
She is so needy, for someone in her position, that she even called him at the weekend. On his mobile. Then when she didn't get an answer, left several WhatsApp messages.
I finally put my foot down two weeks ago and said he has got to tell her to become more professional and only contact him on zoom or email.
It seems to have done the trick.

maisythehorse · 22/10/2020 21:07

It doesn't seem appropriate that a manager would message a colleague out of work all the time non work related. If it was a male manager onto a younger female he would be called an old creep, she's the same. It doesn't help that he's told you he thinks she's good looking so I would be dumping him.

Meganchivers · 22/10/2020 23:22

He tells me that it is, but obviously I’ve seen otherwise cos I’ve looked through his texts with her😬

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Meganchivers · 22/10/2020 23:23

1 tiny problem is that I’m very in love with him. Wish it was that easy though 😂

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Meganchivers · 22/10/2020 23:31

Yeah that’s a good idea. See, I’ve said I don’t really feel comfortable with you talking to her outside of work all the time, but he just says he needs to because it’s about work.

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Iloveme30 · 22/10/2020 23:36

@Meganchivers

1 tiny problem is that I’m very in love with him. Wish it was that easy though 😂
You (understandably) and my heart goes out to you can be in love with him all you want but he is doing what he is doing and imho it's not innocent ☹️ A very old fiend of mine once told me .. At the end of the day no matter who it is on this planet it's a skeleton with a dick 🤬 sorry for being rude but she classed it like that and I found it so funny at the time 😋 needless to say it has helped me over the years when I was getting upset over men I'd always remember her (mad) comment. Helped me see the funny side and also made me realise she is right !!!! Stop taking this rubbish tell him shape up or ship out ! There's billions of men on this planet 🌎 he's not worth this anxiety and if he was he wouldn't put you through it xxxxxx
HumptyD · 22/10/2020 23:37

This isn’t going to end well, he literally works with her so your going to have this feeling everyday that he’s at work with her, then at night and weekends when they are texting.. get to the bottom of it or move on.
Your very young and your too young to be settling while
Your boyfriend lays next to you texting another woman. It’s not ‘texting my boss’ Because cookies and pints are not work related. She’s not texting everyone else
All evening is she, it’s totally inappropriate.
Tell him I’ve seen some messages and I think it’s inappropriate your messaging her especially considering her reputation in the office with younger boys,
Stop it or let me know so I can leave xxx