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Original poster

Is this weird behaviour from my boyfriend and his boss?

50 replies

Meganchivers · 22/10/2020 17:58

Ok so me and my boyfriend have been going out for a year now. He recently got like a ‘promotion’ at work, and things in my opinion have got a little strange and different.
He has a new line manager (we’ll call her Nina) who in the past he has expressed that he thinks she is good looking and a really nice person. She is a “I get on so much better with boys” sort of woman, when I used to work with them, all the girls including myself weren’t keen on her, but all the boys loved her.

Anyway, since he got this ‘promotion’ they have had to work a lot closer together, I think he spends most of his days at work with her in the office. They text A LOT outside of work, and he was also becoming a little distant from me, so I got this gut feeling something was up. Then, I did something really bad and looked through his phone. I know this is so awful to do, but I just hear about people cheating all the time, I needed to know. The texts to me seemed a little strange. She said things like, I’ll buy you a pint, sent him a picture of cookies she’d made, said he was her favourite worker and also said, at least we’re together.

Nina is 31 years old, and a manager talking to to a 21 year old, these texts seem a little unprofessional to me i don’t know. Anyway, I confronted him about it, I didn’t tell him I went on his phone I just said I saw a weird message from her come up, and now he is so funny about me even glancing at his phone, and I just know it’s her texting him:( I’m so paranoid, but I don’t want to tell him to stop texting her because I don’t want to seem like a psycho girlfriend, plus it’s his boss so he does need to talk to her. The fact is, he is with her everyday, sees her more than he sees me, and that’s really getting me down.
(Another fact about Nina is that, when I worked with them, she was having a relationship with a then 24 year old, a bit young for a 30 year old in my opinion? Maybe she likes younger boys!)
What should I do? Any advice is welcome.

OP posts:

converseandjeans · 22/10/2020 23:42

It doesn't sound great. She shouldn't be messaging outside of work hours.
She's probably not even interested in him - just likes to flirt & get affirmation that she's attractive.
I think you need to be more direct & make it clear that she's overstepping the boundaries.

NiceGerbil · 22/10/2020 23:49

The being funny about glancing at his phone thing is not good.

However. I'm really good friends with a bloke at work whose in his early 20s and I'm in my late 40s. We message outside of work- that's not unusual in my workplace generally. We get on well. I've never liked the idea that age/ sex should come into friendships. I've always had friends of both sexes and all ages.

But the hiding the messages thing is weird.

NiceGerbil · 22/10/2020 23:51

My team also has a group watsapp about boozing mainly and I'm in touch with others, not just him.

It's just a friendly workplace :)

EarthSight · 22/10/2020 23:52

I would say there's something suspicious going on, or there's potential to be. I'm a little older than her, but with male colleagues (in particular), and especially if they had a girlfriend, I would be careful with my boundaries.

Does she know that he has a girlfriend I wonder? It's in my experience that a lot of men don't form friendships with women unless they are sexually interested in them. Some of them can develop friendships if they are genuinely not attracted to the woman. It doesn' mean sex is at the immediate forefront of their minds all the time, or that it's the main component of their relationship, but it does mean that there an element of 'saving her for later in case she wants to have sex with me' to their close interactions with women. I know many will disagree, but it's just what I've noticed in my own life (having been that other woman). Women who contest my view usually are burying their heads in the sands about their own male friendships, or they don't want to think their partner might be doing this, or, if I were to be brutal, they might not be that physically attractive to many men so they've mainly experienced platonic interest.

EarthSight · 23/10/2020 00:00

@NiceGerbil

The being funny about glancing at his phone thing is not good.

But the hiding the messages thing is weird.

That's nice for you and maybe it's the age difference that's helping in your case, but I think a lot if women develop well intentioned wishful thinking as to the motivation of men being friends with them, and I can understand why. I've noticed that women are more willing or more able to keep things platonic, given that they often form close friendships with other women at a young age and so that intimacy is not something that's only the domain of sexuality or romanticism. Men however are more likely to interpret those interactions as sexual interest, or be unable to keep thinking of their friends as platonic mates only because they associate intimacy with relationship potential. Women often make the mistake of thinking that men are exactly like them in every way, including how they regard other or interact, which is a mistake. When women insist they have a platonic male friend, I believe that the feelings are very platonic on their side, but sometimes they don't see, or more often, don't want to see that it's not exactly the same on the man's side.

NiceGerbil · 23/10/2020 00:08

I know that we'll from when I was young. I thought whoever was a friend. Then they'd try and shove their tongue down my throat/ get all weird / whatever.

It was really upsetting tbh when you thought someone saw you as a person and all along they saw you as a girl first iyswim.

I used to say that men and women could be platonic friends then I was not so sure.

But in the end. If people get on they get on. And not all men are arseholes.

Not relevant to OP-where I agree the hiding the messages looks dodgy. But just to answer that question.

Original poster

Meganchivers · 23/10/2020 16:17

Thanks for all your help. I asked a few of my friends and they said that the situation wasn't that bad and I should just leave it, but its making me really upset. All your advice makes me feel like I'm not going crazy with being upset by this :)

What I am going to do is, read through some of the most recent messages (I know this is bad but I feel like I have a right if I'm being lied to) he has been sending and receiving, and if they are still 'flirty' and unprofessional, I will pull him up on it again.
The way I see it is if it were the other way around, and I was messaging and recieveing messages from an older male manager, he would not be happy at all, so why is it any different!!!

OP posts:

Meganchivers · 23/10/2020 16:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Meganchivers · 23/10/2020 16:22

Yes she knows me and knows we are boyfriend and girlfriend. My brother works at the store and she said the other day to them "Aw brother in laws!!!!"
What is her game here?

OP posts:

newnameforthis123 · 23/10/2020 16:29

@Meganchivers

I know!!! she is Indian and her parents will only allow her to marry an Indian, so I don't know why she is snooping around my boyfriend. I really want to message her directly, and say your a big creepy old lady, but I'm too scared and my boyfriend will probably kill me so thats off the cards.

Mate, she's 31. I'm 33 and definitely not an old lady!

That aside, you already know he's doing something that makes you uncomfortable. He's minimised it to you and due to you snooping you know that. He works with her so she isn't going anywhere anytime soon.

You're 21, if he loves you like you say you love him he would stop engaging in flirting with someone (if he actually is doing that) so if he doesn't want to then you should break up.

If he isn't doing any flirting and is just genuinely chatting then you're already worried about something that isn't going to change, so I can't see it working either.

You don't sound secure with him so your feelings about this situation with his boss are more of a symptom than a cause when it comes to your anxiety.

newnameforthis123 · 23/10/2020 16:30

Sorry my reason for mentioning that you're 21 is that you have your whole life ahead of you! I wish I had realised at 20ish that love isn't enough, especially if the strength of feeling isn't equal and balanced. Life's too short to feel anxious in relationships.

EarthSight · 23/10/2020 18:54

@Meganchivers

Old lady?? You've lost my sympathy there.

We'll see when you get to 30 and feel discarded because society thinks you are no longer important because you aren't sexually attractive to grubby older men.

MitziK · 23/10/2020 20:18

@Meganchivers

Maybe you should have got all that sort of behaviour out of your system before you left school? After all, a child isn't as attractive a prospect to a man as an adult woman can be.

Original poster

Meganchivers · 23/10/2020 20:23

eh? I just mean she's old for someone who's 10 years younger than her. Grubby old men?

OP posts:

Original poster

Meganchivers · 23/10/2020 20:25

Neither is someone who would happily sleep with another woman's boyfriend...

OP posts:

NiceGerbil · 23/10/2020 21:49

I don't understand why you feel so threatened by this woman tbh.

I mean everyone's different but in the context you talk about I don't see the texts you mention in the op as particularly weird between two workmates.

I also think your attitude to women is a bit odd. You make it all as if she's trying to get him. It takes two to tango. And the creepy old woman stuff is not on.

His hiding his messages is iffy but then maybe he didn't like you reading his phone.

Ughmaybenot · 23/10/2020 21:59

This really doesn’t sound like anything other than two colleagues who just get on well. There’s nothing ringing alarm bells with me from the interaction you’ve mentioned.
Unfortunately you do sound inclined to be quite jealous generally, and your boyfriend is probably being cagey now so as to avoid you snooping on his phone and kicking off at him over, well, nothing much at all.

Ughmaybenot · 23/10/2020 21:59

Also, old at 31. Ffs 😂

Original poster

Meganchivers · 23/10/2020 22:11

I don't know, I am quite insecure as a person so maybe I just think he can do better than me.

I know what you mean though, and your right it is not all her, he is replying in the same way she is.

OP posts:

Original poster

Meganchivers · 23/10/2020 22:14

I am not normally very jealous, I think if he was talking to someone around his own age like this I wouldn't be fused. Also i really didn't mean 31 is old (I wish i didn't say that now) I just meant its old for a 21 year old. Im really sorry if this has offended you.

OP posts:

NiceGerbil · 23/10/2020 23:07

Why is it iffier if she's older? I don't understand.

percheron67 · 23/10/2020 23:13

JaJaDingDong. Well done!

EarthSight · 23/10/2020 23:57

Yes, the age gap is too big, but the context you were using in was also to insult her for her age to make her feel rubbish (because there's nothing worse in society than old women). She is crossing boundaries, and you have a right to be upset, but be careful of using this kind of insult against other women. You too will one day be at the brunt of it from others.

Ignacious · 24/10/2020 00:25

You’re too young for all this stress. Dump him and go have some fun.

Ughmaybenot · 24/10/2020 09:01

Not offended, just think it was very immature and not kind at all.
FWIW I used to work with all men, I was the only woman there. I messaged the ones I got on particularly well with outside of work, on a combination of Facebook, WhatsApp, Instagram and Snapchat. I was early early twenties and these blokes ranged from 24 up to 58. Most had wives or girlfriends. There was never anything untoward, we were just mates. used to buy each other treats, go to the pub together on a Friday, day stupid things like ‘at least we have each other!’ when customers were being dicks. I’d have never accepted my boyfriend (at the time, he’s now my husband)
I’m honestly not saying that there’s absolutely no chance that your boyfriend isn’t acting sneaky or that something else might be going on, but just offering the flip side, that it might be completely innocent.
I think the main problem here is that you’re stressing about it so much, and he doesn’t see any issue with his behaviour so either way, this won’t work out. It’s a relatively short relationship that you’re in, and you’re so young, honestly I’d just cut this one loose.

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