Is there a definition for this sort of behaviour?

[FrankensteinsKnuts]

Where someone will not validate or give you ownership of anything?

It's my mum.

If I say, "I'm shattered, I've just finished nights and not sleeping well"
She'll say, "well, I've not slept all week, I toss and turn all night, I'm dead on my feet, I never sleep"and continue talking about herself.

If i say "I met up with sally and we had a lovely lunch out last week" she'll say "oh I went out for lunch last week, I had blah blah blah" and continue in great detail what she ate, then what she did when she got home etc.

She never asks me questions. Never. Never how's work?/what have you been up to? How are you?
Never.
I thought I was used to this, I've had years of it but clearly it's getting to me again.
And now she's doing it to her grandchild.
My daughter is almost 8. The sunniest, happiest little girl ever.
She used to bring my mum so much joy, now she's getting the same treatment as me, and it fucking hurts.

"Look nana, I can do a handstand!"

"I was really good at handstands, I did them all the time, I could do headstands too. I Was really good"

The same response with anything, me, me, me. All the fucking time.
Is there a word for this behaviour?
She just never offers a well done, or a good for you, or that's great can you show me?

I've just had enough, and I feel bad for my little girl. And me.

Not sure what the name is for it apart from self absorbed, but have you ever told her? I think I would, especially now she's doing it to your daughter.

Solipsism!

I've tried in the past, but she just can't see it.
She'll turn it around as she always does, complain that I never tell her she looks nice (it's always this, she's always been quite obsessed with how she looks)

No, I won't tell her she looks nice, because she never offers anything back.
She will 'compliment' me, she'll say "you look nice..... I've got a dress like that I wore it 2 weeks ago with my black sling backs blah blah I looked really good in it" and then go on to describe what else she has bought, where she wore it and what her friends thought of it.

The woman just has no other topic of conversation apart from herself. She is a narc, I know that. I don't know why I'm constantly surprised by the way she is.

It's getting to me recently, this happens every few years. It feels worse now because she no longer takes an interest in her granddaughter.

It's funny you say that. My mum is exactly the same.
Does yours also talk incessantly and go on and on about the same thing over and over again? Can you have a two way conversation with her?
If I say something to mine, she doesn't listen. She literally doesn't hear me. To the point where on the phone I literally have other conversations with people whilst she speaks because she doesn't hear me say "hang on I'm just paying at the checkout or, sorry one minute I've just bumped into someone"...
It's a complete one way relationship unless there's something juicy to tell her or something that she feels would tarnish her reputation. I basically have no relationship with her expect hearing her witter on sadly

Yes @HornbeamLane sounds very similar!
I find myself loudly exclaiming "oh by the way, I'm ok in case you were wondering!" mid soliloquy....

It's exhausting!

I would stay well away from her and certainly reduce all further levels of contact. It is not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist and she is doing to your daughter what was done to you as a child. People like your mother too never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

A phrase I relished when I discovered it on Mumsnet is, "If you've been to Teneriffe, they've been to Elevenariffe!"
Just run it silently through your head when she starts, to give yourself a grim chuckle. Or play "Oneupmanship Bingo" - make a comment, guess how she will top it, award yourself a point if your prediction is correct.

Mine’s like this, my dad too, it’s just so sad.

Took me forever to realise I’m just as important as them. In fact I’m not altogether sure I really do...

My DM does this. I used to think she'd read somewhere about having things in common or empathising if that makes sense.

For example - I could say that I'm cheesed off because I can't go on holiday and she will go on and on saying what wonderful holidays her and my DF had and all the great memories she has. I feel like saying - yes I know, I was the poor bugger you left home alone while you went on them and I feel that my children need me at home until their older!

Narcissistic is the word, but you already know this.

Get yourself on the Stately Homes thread on this board. Lots of other people there who've suffered similar parenting.

Keep your DD away from this woman.

Thanks all.

I know I'm not alone having a mother like this.

For you all with mother issues.

Sometimes it’s self centredness but other times it’s done deliberately to hurt.

Biggest shock of my life when I realised my mum, dad and sister had all repeatedly done/said things to hurt me, to make themselves feel better.

My head still reels from it sometimes, I mean who do you ever trust??

Sorry that’s possibly not relevant but I think it’s worth bearing in mind that people aren’t always well meaning but just clueless, or whatever other explanation you might give for it

Mine is like this too, barely draws breath sometimes telling me all 'her news'. I play narc bingo in my head with her sometimes.. examples of which -

Ooh I saw an old colleague the other day and she was so pleased to see me and thought I was the best person she worked with.. so that's niiice... - Boasting BINGO!

Oh I dropped round a card and some chocolates (only cheap ones) and she was evver so grateful and said You are so Kind.. - Bragging about herself BINGO

We've been soooo busy, we just never stop!! you wouldn't believe it all the stuff we do for the community - bragging about self importance BINGO

Talking non stop about stuff i've heard before, mainly about her friends (which is usually derogatory) ... eventually she will ask 'Anyway, How are you' and barely gives me chance to reply and it's turned back to herself.. BINGO

It's hard work. I don't know if it's an age thing but both my parents seems to be exhibiting more and more self absorbed overbearing narcissistic traits. it's exhausting. I just smile and usually drink wine playing my bingo game in my head. It's all I can do really.

You're not alone!

These kind of people are so exhausting....I call them energy vampires.

The only way to avoid getting drained by them is to stay away from them as much as possible. They'll always find a way to make it about themselves and if you confront them about their behavior, they'll go out of their way to attack you because they're never ever in the wrong. Speaking from experience, not worth it.

My mum is like this. Will just speak over me and blatantly not listen, it makes me feel like i must be incredibly boring to her.
I dont think shes narcissistic tho....just very self absorbed.

Yes LaBellina agree you’ll get attacked for mentioning it. Makes you feel so impotent

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation I read the stately homes thread, I've constructed several way too long posts which I've never posted. That fear of never being listened to or validated never leaves.
I am slowly retreating from her (again) She will never make my daughter feel worthless, not if I can bloody help it.

@wobblywinelover narc bingo! I'll have to try it out later, unfortunately we are meeting up tonight for my dad's birthday, hence why I'm over anxious today!

Being nc with an awful dm is very liberating..
Can def recommend it.

Go for outrageous oneupmanship. "Me and DH had sex 15 times last night"..."I'm going to have my nipples pierced"....DD's head spun round last night and she vomited green bile"...

Top that mother!!

@Sunnydaysstillhere I had the perfect opportunity to go NC several years ago, just before my daughter was born.
I regret now not grabbing that opportunity with both hands and giving it a whack on the arse with a yeehaa!

As with anything, it's not that simple.
There are many factors which keep me loosely tied.

Exactly @ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes and this is their goal....their ego always has to win....even if it's at the expense of others feelings. They don't care really. The most nasty person of this category that I know, also behaves very arrogant towards staff in shops and restaurants and starts to pick fights (verbally) after she has had a couple of glasses of wine. You can't win, stay away as much as possible is the only way.

What keeps you tied?
Your dad for one?

Do remember too that he is her willing enabler here and women like your mother cannot do relationships at all. He has certainly failed to protect your from the excesses of her behaviour.

Do not also keep on exposing your child to her, toxic crap like this really does go down the generations. It also does her no favours to see her nan keep on disrespecting her mother.

And you will be listened to on the stately homes thread. There are also women on there too with mothers like yours.

Attention seeking and me me me!

My mum used to be exactly the same! And from years of pulling her up on stuff an other ways around it she has changed massively.

She can still be a pain in the arse at times (quite rare now) but she's learned! We're much closer now but she's not brilliant with my teens, can't be arsed to maintain a conversation with them (as a lot of you know, it is quite difficult to keep them engaged but she's the adult!!), but I feel that now they're a lot older that they're not very close to her.

Pull her up on it every time, but move on from it, you don't need to argue or hold a grudge. Hopefully she'll become less selfish over time.

I'm grateful for the responses, I feel a kind of anonymous solidarity - it's helped on a low day.