Am I being ungrateful or is this a bit shit?

[tissuesforissues]

Been with my OH about 3 and a half years. No major issues, generally get on great.
In the time we have been together he has never bought me one item of jewellery - not a problem as such I certainly don't expect to be showered with gifts and yes, I am capable of buying my own jewellery.
I tend to wear some very simple stud earrings daily and a charm bracelet but other than that I don't wear much, mainly because anything else I own has been bought for me by an ex and it would feel weird wearing it now.
Anyway, a friend (female) bought me a necklace a couple of years ago for a birthday gift. Just a simple silver chain with a small pendant on. I haven't really worn it much but a few weeks ago I put it on and I guess it's become a bit of a habit wearing it so I now wear it daily. OH has made a few comments since I've been wearing it like 'but you don't wear jewellery' and 'oh we'll have to see if we can get you a new one' (no idea why, it's like he's slightly put out that I'm wearing it?)
Last night he came in from work and said 'come here let's choose you something' and opened up Amazon on his phone
When I asked what he meant he revealed that he'd received a £30 Amazon gift card from his life insurance and he wanted me to pick a necklace to the value of that. I told him not to bother and if he wasn't going to put the effort in of actually going to the jewellers and actually picking me something himself then I'd rather just wear the one my friend got me.
He's acting like I'm super ungrateful - AIBU here?

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What’s his issue? That you’re wearing something someone else gave you? That he feels threatened in some way that you’re using a gift from a friend? It doesn’t sound like he’s buying your Christmas gift, just a random £30 freebie; why now?

Is he so insecure he need the metaphorical collar around your neck to say his name, not your friend’s?
Or is he really embarrassed that he’s never bought you anything when really you would have liked it.

Hmmm I would say a little bit. You are your own person....if u want something why can't you pick it. I get its nice to be thought of but that doesn't mean he has to pick out what jewelry you wear. He can show his love in our ways....making you dinner. Going a walk together. Just having nice conversations together. Love doesnt come from picking a piece if jewellery for you. It comes in how he treats u daily. Imo I think its nice he wanted u to have his gift card and have what u want. If u know he loves u dont sweat the small stuff (ie who picked out the necklace). He thought of u when he got the gift card. Say thanks and get something u want. Just my opinion sure others will disagree.

You've obviously dropped some hints about wanting jewellery from him. He's got a gift card and is happy to spend it in you. You do sound a bit ungrateful. Why not just choose something and say thanks.

It's a bit shit. It's a £30 free gift card, he realises someone else has bought you a gift and he hasn't but he still doesn't want the hassle of shopping and paying for a gift himself. Nope treat yourself to some jewellery and think about ditching him

I don't think the gratitude here is the issue - it sounds weirdly possessive that he wants you to be wearing something around your neck that he's bought you rather than your friend? My DP doesn't really buy me jewellery either which is fine but he doesn't get odd when i wear things from other people! Is there anything else going on here?

Addressing only the gift card/effort thing it's hard to say without the full context but i'd lean towards YABU because he's offered to buy you something and perhaps is reluctant to choose himself in case you don't like it.

Scraping the barrel I would say it's nice he wants to spend his voucher on you.

Other than that it is a bit shit yes, no thought, comes across as his insecurity rather than a genuine desire to buy you a gift and tbh a little bit controlling that he is now behaving like you should be grateful.

@KiposWonderbeasts I think it's more that he's a bit embarrassed he hasn't ever got me anything along the lines of jewellery. Gifts are mainly practical

@Halo1234 I take your point. It's just in my head (at the risk of sounding like a total diva) the necklace I'm wearing cost in the region of £90 and doesn't turn my neck green. Why would I replace that with a £30 one that will inevitably turn my neck green just so he can tick the box of 'jewellery bought for girlfriend'

I've never asked him for any jewellery, I'm happy wearing this necklace.
And you're right it's not about him picking the piece, but it all just felt a bit unromantic I guess

And yes to those saying maybe he doesn't want to pick something in case I don't like it, ok I get it I'd be happy if he said 'come on let's sit down and have a look on some websites' but it was more the I can only have it from Amazon and only because he's got a free gift card that I think bugged me.

@MumChats not that I'm aware of! Like what kind of things should I be worried about? Maybe I'm missing other red flags?
He's never possessive (if anything the opposite he's so laid back he's almost horizontal!)

I'd be really affronted if I was you in that scenario. Continue to wear your friend's gift necklace, which was gifted with no strings. Your OH now wants to put his 'mark' on you, without cost to himself.

this is the sort of thing my partner would do, not because hes selfish or an arsehole but because he would be worried he would get me the wrong thing and I'd never wear it. every year he takes me shopping around my birthday and I pick the presents I want. I'm happy because I have stuff I actually want and hes happy because he knows he hasnt just wasted money on things that arent going to be used. the only thing he picked out for me himself was my engagement ring!

I have a friend who loves jewellery. And so her husband would buy her jewellery. except.... she absolutely hates costume jewellery, only wears gold etc. And he would go and get her something super pretty and nice but in sterling silver or from somewhere like Marks and Spencer. And it was a huge issue because she knew she was being unreasonable but she hated it. And he couldn't understand why she was always so unhappy. Poor sod had just not managed to notice that she only wore "proper" jewellery.

I spent months years telling her she needed to explain it to him nicely. that yes, it would be nice if he noticed but that, in fairness to him, a lot of what he bought her was absolutely her style, just not in gold/diamonds etc.

She did eventually. And of course, it's all completely fine now. He doesn't buy her jewellery often (too expensive! haha) but he does buy her jewellery for big occasions etc, and understands that it needs to be "proper" jewellery. And yes, sometimes she just chooses it herself or gives him very clear instructions.

My point is simply that jewellery is one of those things that really does require a conversation as it's quite complex and often our feelings about it are not necessarily entirely rational or clear.

@cherrybun01 I do understand that, and if it'd been a case of going window shopping together, or browsing a variety of websites so I could pick something that I wanted then ok, yes I'd have been grateful and appreciative of the thought & effort.
But I was only allowed something from Amazon, and only to the value of £30 so it wasn't actually costing him anything at all.

I'd rather just go buy my own or continue wearing the one I have

@tissuesforissues - anything else that seems like a strange/uncomfortable reaction, things like him not liking you spending time with this particular friend (or any friend), him commenting on the sort of clothes you wear, etc. I was just raising it as i thought he came across as wanting to 'own' your neck by putting his jewellery on it rather than the perfectly nice necklace you already have and seem happy to wear! Maybe i'm getting the wrong end of the stick though - hard to get tone and context from online posting.

So ignoring that then either he's a bit of an arse who doesn't want to make any effort with you but does want to look like he has (bit like what @twentyviginti said). Or to give him the benefit of the doubt, you suddenly wearing a necklace has opened his eyes to the fact that you do like that sort of thing and he wants to do something nice for you (maybe feels guilty that in this time he hasn't got you anything?). And because some men don't understand the difference between 'proper' jewellery from a jewellers and what's available on Amazon he doesn't know why his offer is a bit shit! Only you can really know which one he is though.

It's a bit shit. The free gift card thing would piss me off.

What are you going to get for £30 on Amazon anyway?

Well it doesn’t show any thought or interest in making you happy that’s for sure. Tell him not to bother. Every time you wore something purchased in these circumstances you’d remember how it was bought and the resentment will fester and grow.

@MumChats in all honesty I think it's the latter! He knows this friend and gets on well with her and has never taken issue with me spending time with anyone including her. And no, never any comments on what I wear. He's usually very complimentary so no issues there

I honestly think he's just been a bit lazy gift wise during our time together and me wearing this has maybe made him feel a bit guilty for never buying me anything so this was his attempt at being romantic

I'll probably sit him down later and say that while I appreciate his thought to use his gift card on me, I'd rather wait and pick a nice piece that I really want and he can maybe get me it for a birthday/ anniversary or whatever in the future.

The free gift card would piss me off to the nth degree. He'd be wearing his bollocks round his own neck as an ornament...

There's SUCH a huge difference between 'oh hey, I noticed you've been wearing more jewellery, I've got this Amazon card, would you like to put it towards something nice?' And 'It's not socially acceptable to actually piss on you to mark my ownership, so I'll do it by giving you a neck-greening freebie. But mind and include the delivery on that, I'm not paying.'

Say you really appreciate the thought and there's a necklace you really love, but it's £150. So why doesn't he save the gift card up and he can put it towards the expensive necklace for Christmas ?

The only piece of jewellery my OH has brought me is my engagement ring and even then was with my mums help. Why are you so bothered? Who cares if he only wanted to spend £30? Hes probably noticed you sulking about it so thought well il treat her to some jewellery to shut her up with this free voucher 😂 stop being ungrateful and go buy your own and cheer your self up. Theres alot worse your OH could be doing then not buying you jewellery!

Point out the lovely necklace was not £30 off amazon.

Warning- if he does start buying you jewellery, he is unlikely to choose something you like. Don't encourage him to spend a lot unless you have very wide tastes!

@MotherofDogs3 when was I sulking sorry?

He's been a bit weird about you wearing jewellery from someone else,
but I think your response was oddly hostile/aggressive.
Why tell him not to bother and talk about 'effort'? And compare his offer to your friend's present?
A nice reply would have been, 'Oh, thank you, but please, spend it on yourself, or we can look for something we can both use/enjoy.'

I'm going to go against the grain here.

Maybe he just assumed you didn't really wear jewellery so never bothered to get you any. He can now see that you are wearing some and fancies getting you something.

I wouldn't be put out by the fact it's £30 or a voucher that he has had for free. He could've just spent the voucher on himself.

Personally, I would be chuffed. But maybe I'm easily pleased? 😂

@IntermittentParps I do see what you're saying and perhaps I did react a little hostile. It's nice that he thought of spending it on me over himself I guess and if it had been a case of him just saying 'here's a £30 gift card why don't you get yourself something with it' then that's totally different I'd have thought 'how lovely' but it just felt like it was conditional. Like he wants to replace the the one I'm wearing but instead of replacing it with something I genuinely want it has to be from Amazon and it has to be no more than £30. I'm not bothered about the cost as such and I didn't say this to him but actually why would I swap my £90 one for a £30 one just so he could feel like he's done something nice??
I've never hinted or asked him for jewellery, if I desperately wanted a new necklace I can buy my own.
Anyway, he's spent it on himself now so ill just continue wearing this one

Another vote for not being very impressed by him