An epiphany of sorts and peace at last.

[TurnTheRadioOn]

I've finally made peace with everything.

I'm 45. I've never been in a loving, respectful relationship. Never had a partnership. Never been cherished. None of it.

A couple of years ago, I reluctantly decided that I was going to stay single but there was a man I was attracted to who I had admired from afar for a while and there was always a voice in the back of my head saying, "But what about him? What if he is different? What if everything you went through was so that you could be with him?" There was always still hope.

Anyway. Nearly a year ago, he asked me out. He is a friend of friends. Everyone I knew and everyone he knew had high hopes. It seemed like the perfect ending to an unhappy relationship history for both of us. It would almost have been 'perfect'.

But it was no different.

We split up nearly a month ago. I don't think he found me parriculalrly attractive or, rather, I don't think he thought I was 'good enough' for him - he saw himself with someone younger and prettier, slimmer, sexier, more elegant and glamorous than me. When he imagined the sort of woman he would be with, she didn't look like me - which has always been my experience. I've been told consistently that there is nothing wrong with my personality or character but the 'package' just doesn't match. I'm not physically 'unattractive' but I'm not attractive 'enough'. I dress well for my body shape and I can see the shock and disappointment on their faces the first time they see me naked. Every time. I tried to develop a thick skin around it. Faked the confidence; never criticised myself; walked around naked confidently... and I think it confused them. Or maybe they just didn't like it. Maybe what had 'attracted' them to me was their own comfort in feeling that I was 'less' and they had targeted me because they assumed I'd be insecure? This man had even expressed surprised that I was happy to get naked in front of him as though I shouldn't have been and was playing the game wrong.

But I'm never going to be younger than I am now. I'm never going to be more attractive. I'm a size 12 so, realistically I'm never going to to be much slimmer either (I've not been smaller than a 10 ever).

I've felt frustrated for a while that not knowing what the future held was the remaining 'hope' that lay in the darkest corner of the box and I've watched it finally fly free. Being without hope has brought me a contentment that I've craved since childhood.

My heart is no longer heavy.

I've accepted that I'm happier alone. I've accepted that I'm not going to be loved. I've accepted that this is how it is now. And I feel quite content about the future.

I feel I've finally made peace with it all. Which is all I've ever really wanted.

There's no stigma in being single. I'm single by choice. I prefer it. It doesn't mean that you won't have friendships with the opposite sex. It means that they'll be different. It depends on what you want.
I prefer to have friends and lovers. If you read up on relationship anarchy it may give you a different insight into relationships. Of course RA isn't for everyone but it is unconventional.

That’s fair enough OP but I wonder if some of your experiences are a-typical.

I’ve not had lots of relationships by any stretch but I’m considerably fatter than you, and have never had anything than an enthusiastic reaction when I’ve got naked.

I’m frizzy haired, have mad crooked teeth and a characterful face and no one has ever told me I’m not the whole package.

I’d wonder who is telling you this stuff and why they’re diminishing you like that.

I think that you are far too critical of yourself and this probably comes across subconsciously in your relationships. This may come across as needy to a partner.You seem to be second guessing your ex partner.
Are you very picky about men? This may be severely limiting your choice.
I found my life partner when I stopped worrying about what others thought and just accepted that there was no perfect package.
Relationships are hard work as I have found this year. Even after 28yrs you can be surprised by your partners behaviour, but it is generally a reflection of your own.
You come across as quite a shallow person who seems to think that attraction is based solely on appearance. You need to worry less on presentation and work on content. I would agree that men do like to have an attractive woman on their arm but if that was a deal breaker most of us would be f**ked.

I'm glad you feel free & peaceful. There are a whole bunch of other ways to feel valued & appreciated in life than just a relationship.

I think that a lot of what angrymum posted is unfair. It's not your fault that the men you have been with are arseholes. I think that when someone constantly judges you on your appearance, you naturally assume that your appearance is very very important. That's not shallow, it's just your lived experience. No-one has the right to invalidate that.

I am single too and have been hurt by comments and the feeling of not being seen as good enough for some of the men I've been with. But this really is not true of all men. I have had some lovely relationships with men who genuinely think I'm a goddess (I'm really not!) It's sad that you haven't found that yet but please, have faith. Not in relationships maybe- it's great being single- but I do think that a measure of faith in humanity is necessary.

noego

I have quite a few male friends but I've no interest in taking on any lovers. Certainly not at the moment anyway. Sex with no emotional connection has always been easier so I might try that again in the future. Who knows.

But deciding to stay alone and shutting that side of things down has certainly brought me a peace I've never felt before.

I've tried before but I've always felt quite sad about it. This time, I don't.

Merryoldgoat

Maybe, I don't know. But they are my only experiences.

I think it's because they have a mental image when I am clothed of what I will look like naked and then the reality doesn't match up to that. Because I dress in a way that flatters me, it disguises the fact that I'm a bit wobbly here and there.

It happened when I was younger too. I've never had smooth, taut skin and I have a 'shapely' bum. I've got a bit of cellulite over my hips, bum and thighs. I tried putting on weight a few years ago so that men would be able to see more clearly what I would look like naked but that just increased the comments about how I should lose weight. I've never been more than a 14 though. The last man I dated didn't comment negatively but he was attracted to me until he saw me naked. It was tangible.

You come across as quite a shallow person who seems to think that attraction is based solely on appearance.

I don't think attraction is based solely on appearance. But I can only go by things I've had said or reflected back to me in relationships.

Ice never been criticised for anything in a relationship other than my appearance.

@TurnTheRadioOn

I didn't say anything about not being emotionally invested.

I have had some lovely relationships with men who genuinely think I'm a goddess

That is really lovely to hear!

I don't think I've lost.my faith in humanity. But maybe its just an emotional detachment.

I think relationships are complicated. I’ve been married for over a decade and feel incredibly lonely every single day.

I didn't say anything about not being emotionally invested

No, I know. I was just adding my own experience to it!

I've had a couple of fwbs over the years
Men I've been friends with for a while before adding the benefits. I found it a lot easier to manage without the 'feelings' element of it.

I think relationships are complicated. I’ve been married for over a decade and feel incredibly lonely every single day.

That's really sad.

I have sometimes wondered if all relationships are like that really but some people just don't admit it?

But then i know people irl, and read threads by people on here, who have wonderful relationships!

"I don't think he found me parriculalrly attractive or, rather, I don't think he thought I was 'good enough' for him - he saw himself with someone younger and prettier, slimmer, sexier, more elegant and glamorous than me. When he imagined the sort of woman he would be with, she didn't look like me - which has always been my experience.*"
*
Did he actually SAY any of this? Or is this the story you're telling yourself? You sound very very hard on yourself.

I get where you're coming from OP. I've been told directly by an ex that I'm "rather plain" (looks wise) and bf's I've had have always gushed about my "great personality" but inevitably wanted someone prettier. I get told the "spark" is missing. I'm "nice" but they want more than that. I don't think one man has ever told me I'm beautiful. Even though I consider myself average, I'm not hideously ugly! Or so I think!

I don't want someone to "settle" for me. I wanted to be someone's first choice. I'm 50 now and if it hasn't happened by now then it's never going to. Like you, I have found peace in accepting my lot. I'm not unhappy, I'm actually happier than I've ever been. Now I'm no longer chasing an impossible dream.

I believe that nobody is "perfect" physically or mentally or emotionally

Nobody is better than me

It sounds like you haven't met the right person for you

A relationship should be fun, caring, sexy, enjoyable

You sound very critical of yourself

PixelatedLunchbox

He implied; I inferred.

He didn't tell me I was attractive the whole time we were together. I asked him.once if he thought I was attractive and he replied, "No, I think you're hideous." Now, I don't think he thought I was actually 'hideous' because, objectively, I'm not. But he quite clearly couldn't bring himself to lie.

We would sit in the bath together and he wouldn't even touch me - not put a hand on my leg or anything.

And yes, I knew the sort of woman he did find attractive.

During our break up conversation, I said I knew he wasn't attracted to me. He didn't respond despite it being a good natured conversation overall.

Besides, it's come up in every relationship I've tried to have. Comments that I could "stand to lose a few kilos"; was too old; negative comments about my body or face. Men have often told me that they were 'surprised' to see/find x, y or a about me (physicially) because it's not obvious generally.

Meruem

Yes to every word of that

SeasideBes1d3

I agree that no one is perfect t or better than me. But it's not my opinion that counts in the respect that, if I'm in a relationship with someone, it is their opinion that influences their decisions and behaviour.

I don't believe in 'the'right person. I've never found anyone who was right for me. Even in the short term.

A relationship should be fun, caring, sexy, enjoyable

So I hear...

I tried putting on weight a few years ago so that men would be able to see more clearly what I would look like naked

You did WHAT???

Agree with PP you seem to be very critical of yourself and have low self worth. You are too hung up on looks. I mean this kindly OP, get yourself into therapy.

I know. It sounds ridiculous now.

Part of my acceptance is the realisation that I'm not going to be able to sufficiently change or improve how I look and i don't want myself through it all anymore.

I've dated people of all shapes & sizes

It's never been an issue

There is definitely more than what "people look like"

Well, all I know is that I've ended the last however many relationships I've had because they made critical or negative comment about me/my body; or because they were disrespectful; or treated me badly.

I've dated people of all shapes & sizes

Yeah, me too. It's never been an issue for me either.

Agree with PP you seem to be very critical of yourself and have low self worth. You are too hung up on looks. I mean this kindly OP, get yourself into therapy.

You're probably right. But therapy hasn't worked in the past. It just gave me false hope.

It's not my view of myself that matters. And, tbh, I think I'm ok!

All I've done is reflect on the things I've been told/experienced.

OP my experiences are exactly the same as yours and I hope to be where you are now, settled and accepting. I'm a big girl, very tall and amazon like but told I have a pretty face. However, I am judged for my size and many men I have dated and married! chose slimmer, more petite girls over me. Every time in fact.

I want to feel at peace too in myself and come to accept that I will probably never have the kind of relationship that I want. I've lost my trust and faith as every man I've ever cared about has always picked another girl over me.

OP how did you come to acceptance? I'm struggling with it.

I have the slightly foolish look of Sesame Street's Big Bird - strangers in the street have told me I'm ugly before now, but never a partner, not even a hint. I've never asked if they found me attractive, and they have never told me I am - more things like "you have a nice bum" or "I like the way you walk". I like that kind of comment as it seems more realistic than "you're beautiful": I'm not Julia Roberts and don't expect to be told I am. If they are with me, then I must be attractive enough for them. If they are with someone they secretly find repulsive, then they are the ones who should be pitied, as they clearly have more serious issues than I do.

Sitting in a bath with your gf and not touching her is odd. Why do you think you're criticising yourself, not his odd behaviour?

It's not my view of myself that matters. And, tbh, I think I'm ok

Exactly! I get sick of people throwing out that it must be our fault and that we have low self esteem! I love myself, I think I'm witty, clever, kind, fun to be around, any guy would be lucky to have me! It's been made very clear to me that it's not my personality that's the issue. Therapy won't change someone's looks, nor how others perceive their looks.