An epiphany of sorts and peace at last.

[TurnTheRadioOn]

I've finally made peace with everything.

I'm 45. I've never been in a loving, respectful relationship. Never had a partnership. Never been cherished. None of it.

A couple of years ago, I reluctantly decided that I was going to stay single but there was a man I was attracted to who I had admired from afar for a while and there was always a voice in the back of my head saying, "But what about him? What if he is different? What if everything you went through was so that you could be with him?" There was always still hope.

Anyway. Nearly a year ago, he asked me out. He is a friend of friends. Everyone I knew and everyone he knew had high hopes. It seemed like the perfect ending to an unhappy relationship history for both of us. It would almost have been 'perfect'.

But it was no different.

We split up nearly a month ago. I don't think he found me parriculalrly attractive or, rather, I don't think he thought I was 'good enough' for him - he saw himself with someone younger and prettier, slimmer, sexier, more elegant and glamorous than me. When he imagined the sort of woman he would be with, she didn't look like me - which has always been my experience. I've been told consistently that there is nothing wrong with my personality or character but the 'package' just doesn't match. I'm not physically 'unattractive' but I'm not attractive 'enough'. I dress well for my body shape and I can see the shock and disappointment on their faces the first time they see me naked. Every time. I tried to develop a thick skin around it. Faked the confidence; never criticised myself; walked around naked confidently... and I think it confused them. Or maybe they just didn't like it. Maybe what had 'attracted' them to me was their own comfort in feeling that I was 'less' and they had targeted me because they assumed I'd be insecure? This man had even expressed surprised that I was happy to get naked in front of him as though I shouldn't have been and was playing the game wrong.

But I'm never going to be younger than I am now. I'm never going to be more attractive. I'm a size 12 so, realistically I'm never going to to be much slimmer either (I've not been smaller than a 10 ever).

I've felt frustrated for a while that not knowing what the future held was the remaining 'hope' that lay in the darkest corner of the box and I've watched it finally fly free. Being without hope has brought me a contentment that I've craved since childhood.

My heart is no longer heavy.

I've accepted that I'm happier alone. I've accepted that I'm not going to be loved. I've accepted that this is how it is now. And I feel quite content about the future.

I feel I've finally made peace with it all. Which is all I've ever really wanted.

I'm not even witty either due to being a forinner here and thus a bit behind on the hilarious chat - and I'm only slightly wittier in my native tongue tbh. Not exceptionally fun to be around. Just pretty average.
Used to think I was totally fucked as a teenager, as the advice to unattractive people is always that your personality matters more, and I knew my personality did NOT make up for my looks 😂

45 is actually the age at which the playing field starts to level out a bit, I find - when even the pretty ones start to look a bit lived-in!

OP how did you come to acceptance?

Tbh, I don't really know. I think that when it didnt even work with this most recent man, and for similar reasons to previously, I had no choice.

It's easy to say to someone that they just haven't met the right person yet but there would presumably be some relationships along the way; things that had worked for a couple of years; love; kindness...

Other than my abusive and disastrous relationship, that ended in marriage and which was functionally dead within 4 months of it starting (if that), my longest relationship was this most recent one at 11 months. And I only stuck that out as long as I did because we have mutual friends.

I think it was setting the hope free that did it (I prefer to think of it as setting it free rather than having lost it). Until now, I've always had that little voice of, "but what if..?" and I don't have that anymore.

There are lots of rude, weird, socially inept men out there, who will make you question your appearance, if you let them.

I have no idea what you look like, but I'm absolutely positive there are men out there who will think you're gorgeous. But I do understand how much it can set you back being with a man who subtly or overtly makes you feel unattractive.

My figure would be considered conventionally attractive. Petite with curves - and I've never doubted by appearance. Then I had one bf who liked his women very thin, no make up, short hair. Like a child now that I think of it. The opposite of me, long hair, quite done up, who looks like I'll be very thin but actually have curves. He made all these comments that made me feel like I was too fat, and not attractive enough. I was a size 6 so realise now how ridiculous it was. But at the time, I really did not rate myself. It took a GP telling me I was underweight (because i was trying to lose weight), to dump him!

And sure enough future, I screened future bfs much better after that. Any comments like, "oh, you don't need to wear that make up", "oh, maybe you should do more squats less cardio", "oh, you don't remove hair down there?" etc - they get dumped. I've met a few like that, but I don't let them define my attractiveness. And neither should you! You're body confident, comfortable being naked - don't ever lose that! It's sexy as hell and the right man, without his own issues with women, will jump your bones.

OP your post struck a chord with me as I’ve been struggling with accepting not ever sharing my life with anyone. Im the same age as you and have struggled with relationships after my ex-fiancé left me for another woman almost 30 years ago.

Since then I’ve never found anyone that I completely click with. I have dated men, even one that I loved, that either cheated on me or I didn’t feel any chemistry with them.

It’s been depressing and I realized that even though people will say there is someone out there for you that doesn’t mean that you will ever meet them. And I had an epiphany that Not everyone will be lucky to pair up with someone and it shook me to realize that I will be one of those never married/forever single people. And I know deep down that it won’t change no matter how many people say that’s not true.

So I’m although I’m struggling with that epiphany I’m in the process of coming to accept my life for what it is. I’m envious that you have found peace but you also give me hope that one day I will too.

JurassicParkaha

I know what you mean.

I have a similar screening process. Admittedly, this latest one did slip through the net a little for various reasons. But it's always me who ends the relationships i have and I do so quickly when they have revealed themselves.

I usually end relationships around the 4/5 month mark. So.much so that I had theis point marked in my calendar in the last relationship because I was really hopeful it would successfully go beyond that. It did go beyond that but if I'm honest, I should stop have ended it then. In my experience that's the point at which they start to reveal themselves if they haven't already done so on the first date.

widespreadpanic

OP it’s marvellous to read about your epiphany and sense of peace, congratulations! The most any of us can hope for is being at peace with the past, being authentic in the present and having a sense of calm about the future. You have that, and you’re lucky.

I just want to say that I could have written your post and I'm trying so hard to get to the place youre in. Everything is amazing with my new relationships but then I'm dumped usually within 24 hours of being seen naked. I genuinely cannot understand these posters who say that men aren't that fussy because that has certainly not been my experience for the past 30 years! I've also been told by dates to come back when I've lost two stone because then I'd be perfect, another male friend once told me that he wishes he'd married me as I'm so lovely but he'd never have got my size past his friends ( this was a 1990s size 12 to 14, so an 8 to 10 now ) and everywhere else there are really plain women with partners that adore them. I'm also told I go for the wrong type of men when truth is I've always just had to make do with whoever shows me some attention- I've never been in the position to 'go' for anyone. I'm now bitter and resentful, all I ever wanted was to fall in love and be a wife and a mother, the mother ive managed but my marriage was abusive and sexless and now I'm nearly 48 and know ill be on my own forever. I don't believe the there's more to life mantra, I just wish I was dead most days!

TiggerDatter

Thanks! It's weird, there have been a few times in the past when I've tried to reach this point but it's not been natural and, whilst I've carried it well as far as others are concerned, the huge weight in my chest has been almost debilitating and physically painful at times. I have none of that now. It's a genuine peace.

Sadly, I don't think it has come from a positive place - I keep reading that whilst you still have hope you have everything but I felt that the hope was a cruel trick designed to cause me pain.

I genuinely cannot understand these posters who say that men aren't that fussy because that has certainly not been my experience for the past 30 years!

Not, it's not been mine either.

I could equally have written your post in its entirety.

I've never been in a position to 'choose' either- certainly not between men. My choice has been, "see how it goes or remain single". If I was attracted to them, I gave it a go, otherwise, I stayed single.

I've tried being single for years and not looking at all; dating sites; starting hobbies where I'd meet men; being set up with single men by friends... I've dated men from professional musicians, to teachers, to builders, to software developers. They've been 6ft tall; 5'3" and everything in between. Bald or long haired; skinny or stocky; quiet or confident; bookish and nerdy or not.

Hasn't made any difference whatsoever.

I'm meeting up with a couple of friends this weekend. Both men. I'm really looking forward to it. Just mates, having a drink and a chat. Feels like it's been too long!

Sadly, I don't think it has come from a positive place - I keep reading that whilst you still have hope you have everything but I felt that the hope was a cruel trick designed to cause me pain.
I think I have a similar feeling to this (if I understand you right?) in other areas of my life - that I have accepted something/come to terms with it: I still don't like it, but I can mostly ignore it. It's not ideal, but is certainly better than nothing. Not really "peace", though. But that may be fussy.

Yeah, I think that's pretty much it. I think the main thing is that there's no 'sadness' or 'emptiness' attached to it, which there always has been in the past. I guess that's why I'm calling it peace.

I feel 'freed' by it.

I went out for the evening a couple of years ago with one of the friends I'm seeing this weekend. We were standing there at one point and I was lamenting my singleness at the time. He said then, "You know, you're never going to meet anyone hanging out with me though. People will always think we're together."

He wasn't wrong and I realised that that was part of the appeal of socialising with male friends. I have a couple of male friends I go out with who provide excellent 'cock blocking' services