Am I abusive?

[Worriedwoman36]

Please, no nasty comments, I’m already feeling pretty shitty. I’m unsure if my behaviour recently is bordering on being abusive (not intentionally) to my OH? I suffer from bipolar disorder so my moods can sometimes affect how I act and I’ve been known to be quite temperamental (most of the females in my family are quiet fiery and can stand up for themselves) though I’ve mellowed slightly in my old age.

What my problem is is that my OH and I have been having lots of really stupid little arguments recently. Well we had a big one and that was resolved, he’s made positive steps to address what I brought up as having issue with and it’s been over a month now and I’m feeling like the mental load has definitely been lifted to a point where I’m not silently seething every day because he hasn’t done the dishes or put a washing on.

We got into a little tiff on Sunday as I said he was driving too fast on the motorway. He gets very defensive about driving (I think it’s guilt because we were in a bad crash very early on in the relationship and sometimes I do feel a bit anxious if I think he’s going faster than he needs to be). I’m not talking bombing down the road at 120mph, the wee crappy car we have couldn’t do that but on Sunday he was nearing the 80mph mark on a 70mph. I’ve done it myself, zoned out and realised I’ve been driving a bit too fast. But it was his reaction to me asking if he was in a rush? He immediately went on the defensive and it got my back up because I didn’t think the reaction was warranted. We then ended up in a bit of a shouting match.

He apologised quite quickly and said that he would make sure never to drive over the speed limit with me in the car again. But I wouldn’t let it go as I felt it was done in a cheeky, snide, defensive manner. He is always the first one to apologise after an argument though, to be fair to him. I do have a problem with admitting I’m wrong.

Anyway, I told him to sleep on the couch, can’t be fucked with him being a defensive arsehole, sick of some other shite that I dragged up from some past arguments. Then I stopped speaking to him, I got my own dinner all week and done my own washing and left his in the basket, I don’t know why I was being so bitchy. We’ve barely said a word to each other until last night when I asked him if he had decided what he wanted to do since it doesn’t seem like we’re working out? He’s not close to his family so he doesn’t have anywhere else he can go and stay till he gets somewhere new to live.

I feel wretched that I seem to be behaving like his toxic/abusive ExW (maybe not to her extent) but I don’t know why I’m doing it. I’m quite a huffy person in general and I will sulk if I’m pissed off but I normally get passed it. I mean huffy with everyone, been like this since I was a child. But I think that’s what people would call stonewalling and I’ve read that that’s abusive? I’m not meaning to be abusive but I am finding myself escalating an argument and not knowing when to let it go, like a part of me thinks I shouldn’t give in, even though I know a relationship is about compromise.

I’ve been a bit worried and stressed that I’m going through the menopause at 36 because my period has went AWOL and I don’t know if this is causing my mood swings as well because I don’t know what’s going on. I’ve been quite emotional which isn’t like me. Maybe my brain is trying to control the arguing because I have no control over my dried up body? I genuinely feel like I’m going crazy because I don’t know what’s happening with it and it’s all I can think about.

In general my OH is a really good guy, he’s hard working and we’re currently saving up to buy a house of which he has plowed thousands into the deposit since the beginning of the year. But it seems like every time we have a stupid fight I tell him to split the money and go our separate ways. I don’t want to split up with him but I seem to keep saying these words and it’s pushing him away. For context, this is my first really serious relationship where it’s got to the moving in together, long term stage. Before this I was on and off with a guy for a decade (he was my BF first before he met the mother of his child) who I stupidly let come back to me every time he fell out with the baby mama, then she would ask him to come back again so he would and then he would leave because he wasn’t happy and I would take him back because I’m an idiot. I don’t know if I’m scared because what I’ve got now seems real and it’s getting to a stage of buying houses and thinking about children (something I never really wanted before) and now my body might be giving me a big two’s up in that department.

Sorry for the long post. Can anyone recommend something to address my behaviour? I’m a student and disabled so I have a low income and don’t think I’d be able to afford expensive therapy but would be willing to try if people think it would help.

Thank you for reading.

Have a word with your go and see if you can get some help. Sounds like you may be verging on abusive but he obviously sees something in you worth staying around for.

I'm no mental health person but it sounds as if you may have an issue with your self worth. If you don't value yourself it can be difficult to make a good relationship. Don't drive him away if you care. Try not to react and calm down when you're annoyed.

Sorry gp not go

I sort of see where you are coming from.
My DH is nice, kind and would help you in any way you want.
But, he does nothing about his reliance on alcohol and the associated financial implications, the resulting snoring and the lack of sex it causes. In fact we haven’t had it for over 6 months and I no longer want it with him.
The alcohol and sex thing has been going on for years and has now caused a resentment that I can’t shake off.
He’s lazy IMO. He doesn’t work yet the house is a wreck. On my days off I clean, tidy and shop for food.
I’ve realised that I just don’t need him anymore, he brings me resentment, anger, disappointment. I could support myself and the kids on my wage and I’d get rid of the stress.
If I were you I wouldn’t buy together and give it 6/12 months and see where you are.
Maybe you’d be better off living separately and dating.

Yeah, your behaviour isn't stellar here. Go to your GP and have a chat about how you're doing, see it they have any suggestions.

RE the AWOL period, check you're not pregnant, as hormones can wreak havoc on your mood.

I'm not sure if you're abusive, but you do both seem to have quite toxic communication styles that escalate an argument and are pretty disrespectful.

You also seem to get very caught up in your emotions and unable to let things go for a very long time.

I'd therefore look at how you can improve both parts of this. Communication is a skill like any other - you can learn how to be less confrontational and have difficult conversations in a way that doesn't upset everyone and acheives a resolution everyone is happy with. There are books/training etc out there for this. I like a book called 'crucial conversations' but find one that resonates with you - there should be plenty of books in your local library on the topic.

Similarly you can learn to be less ruled by your emotions - they are just thoughts - they aren't the truth. You don't have to act on everything you feel and you can learn to let negative emotions pass rather than engaging with them constantly - mindfulness is a good place to start.

At the end of the day though, if your bf is rude, sarcastic and disrespectful regardless of how you approach him, then you can't fix this by yourself. Contempt is not something you should put up with in a relationship and in that case you would be right to walk away.

Threatening to leave when you're angry is abusive behaviour, it's designed to keep him perpetually on his toes, even if that's not what you're consciously doing. Stonewalling the same. Some of the literature out there about abusers makes it sound like all abusers are evil and doing it intentionally - but that's not always true. My stbxh is a good man, but his mental health issues led to behaviours that were abusive. He wasn't able to address them, which is why he is stbxh, very sadly for all of us.

Sounds like you could both improve your communication. Could you talk to Relate? Paying for some couples counselling will be far far cheaper than separating later with a house together and you more concerned about children.

@BigFatLiar
@Ohalrightthen thank you for your replies and not jumping on me for my behaviour. Because I’m already under the care of a psychiatrist for the bipolar I wasn’t sure my GP would be able to help but then again, I’m not sure if this is bipolar related or it is something to do with my hormones. Funnily enough I was at the GP yesterday getting bloods taken to check about the menopause thing but there was only time for that one issue since they’re still not doing proper appointments, I was in and out in 5 minutes. I know my psychiatrist wouldn’t be able to help with this, in my experience it would be a psychologist that I would have to talk to. I will give my GP a phone and see if they can recommend anything, although I really don’t want them to think I’m taking the piss since I was only just there.

@FippertyGibbett my OH works away most of the time and we’ve not even lived together for a full year yet so I’ve got used to having the house the way I want. He’s not lazy as such, he’s up at 5/5.30am every day and does a hard, manual labour job and doesn’t get home till 5.30/6pm every night (when he’s working in this country) so I do think sometimes I’m a bit hard on him regarding the housework since I’m a student and I don’t work at the moment, I do have more free time. But he has been really good since we had a big ding dong just over a month ago. He’s not had one drink to prove to me he can go without and he has really stepped up with the chores as well. Although I do feel guilty that he hasn’t even had a beer as a way to unwind and I’ve also wanted to have a bottle of wine to celebrate passing my year at uni but couldn’t because I’d made such a stink about his behaviour (which I’m now realising was probably a bit uncalled for now I’m writing it down🙈)

We have different ideas of cleanliness though I think. He was used to only being in his (former) flat for just 36-48 hours out of the week and his flat was a stop gap after his ex wife threw him out of her house after cheating on him and divorcing him, so he never really got into keeping the house nice. It was a bit of a hole because he didn’t see it as somewhere he would be staying long term. And I think he just got into the habit of not doing much to it.

I’ve never needed him tbf. I only moved out of my mums house 2 and 3/4 years ago but I’ve always had my own money, be it not very much. So I’m not dependent on him for that. I’m actually paying all the bills (he gives me a certain amount each week to cover energy usage and the extra food) and he’s putting most of his wages into the savings for the deposit, we’re very close to our target even though we’ve only been saving since January because he’s saved so hard.

I can see where you’re coming from but I’m really starting to realise that it’s my behaviour that’s been the problem recently and not his. He’s committed to me and has tried very hard to address the things I’ve taken issue with and somehow, it’s still not enough for me?

@BigFatLiar I think you may have hit upon something. I’ve put on quite a bit of weight since lockdown and I’m feeling really horrible in myself because of it (I’m already chubby due to the medication for bipolar) and I feel like my OH doesn’t find me attractive anymore although he keeps reassuring me he does. I’ve never really felt like this before about myself so I don’t know if that is also affecting my reactions and how I’m dealing with things.

I don’t want to use these issues as an excuse for how I’ve been treating my OH but when it’s written down, I’m realising it might be affecting me more than I initially thought. I’ll give my doctor a call and see what they say, thanks again.

Reading your next update, I'd be really careful about buying a house with him.

Also you really really really need to think about your finances. If you aren't married, and he's the one saving the deposit, are you truly going to have equal shares of the house? I'd say that you should go 50/50 on the bills if living together and both make savings, then it's a bit clearer whose is whose. Otherwise if he clears out, he's just saved a ton of money because he conveniently didn't have to pay rent or bills for the best part of a year, while you've got nothing left because you've been covering the both of you.

If done regularly, escalating an argument, stonewalling and sulking are all up there amongst abusive behaviours. Only doing your own washing/cooking and essentially ignoring your DP would also be classed as abusive if it's something you do regularly over a relatively minor argument. I've had this done to me and it made me quite unwell. Constantly walking on eggshells, no opportunity to discuss the issue due to stonewalling, over analysis, mental exhaustion. It's a form of gaslighting and is incredibly tiring for the party on the receiving end. I definitely think you should seek help from your GP. It's very positive that you're insightful enough to recognise your behaviour as abusive.

@curiouslypacific thank you for your reply, I’ll have a look for that book and related ones on communication. I’ve been reading Lundy Bancroft’s book and recognising some of the behaviours in it. I grew up in a house where there was domestic violence and I abhor it (so much so that that’s the area I would like to work in once I get my degree) so the fact I might be being abusive, whether intentional or not, is literally making me feel sick right now.

@OverTheRubicon thank you for your replies, you make some good points. My mental health wasn’t great for the first half of the year and then lockdown happened and it got worse. We’re in a bit of rut just now due to the saving and him being really tired from working so many hours so we haven’t had any fun or a night out together in months.

When I say he gives me money, we live quite cheaply (social housing) so what he gives covers almost half of the household bills. Energy and food are near the top of our outgoings so he’s not not paying his way as such. It’s just that he moved into my flat and I was already paying for everything (including Netflix and Prime which he wouldn’t have bothered with) and was managing so we just came to the agreement that he would plow as much into the savings as he could every single week and I would put in anything I had spare from my student loan. I’ve also got a few thousand in my mums house that if we need it for the deposit, we can use it. It’s not as unequal as I fear I’ve made it sound.

We’re not married and I will definitely be going on the mortgage, we’ve got the agreement in principle with both our names. He’s not the type of man to run away with the money. I fear I’ve really let my mind talk myself into making him the bad one the past couple of months and I don’t know why. Writing this all down has made me recognise that it is definitely my behaviour and feelings that have been causing the issues. I might also be more affected because I’ve been keeping it a secret that I’ve come off the pill (don’t want to get my mums hopes up) and I would normally chat through this kind of stuff with her or my sister. They are two women who are very hard to please and take no shit and they love my OH, they think he’s a great guy. They’re both normally right in their assessments of my suitors 🙈😂

Is there a counselling service you can access through student services?

I'd say you are being abusive to him, and 8 don't think its the bipolar (but what would I know). I think its more likely you haven't learnt how to resolve arguments healthily because of your own upbringing.

Couples counselling would be the best choice, or you could try reading and working through a book together. Maybe this one www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0553447718/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_6guKFbF08FR0C?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Good luck OP. Recognising behaviour is the first step tp change

@earthtopluto thank you for your reply. I do recognise myself in what you wrote and I am very huffy in general. My cousin coined the phrase Hunger Huff after I ran away after a night out because I wanted a McDonalds so badly and didn’t want to wait for the rest of the group 🙈😂 This was when I was in my very early 20’s but it’s always been a running joke that I’m a sulker.

It’s only been this argument that I got my own dinner and done my own washing, it’s not something I do regularly. I do sulk for a time and then we end up talking and making up. After I came from the doctors yesterday I felt a bit more reassured that they’re willing to get to the bottom of whether it’s early menopause or not. I then went and got him some of the lovely deli meat he likes and some nice rolls for his packed lunch and then I came home and done his washing. But when he came home I didn’t know how to broach the subject of trying to put things right so reacted in a negative way which I realise I shouldn’t have done.

I realise sometimes I can act quite immaturely, possibly due to the fact that this is the first time in my adult dating life that someone is actually in it for the long haul with me and has made me realise that everything I railed against when I was younger, such as buying property or starting a family, is in fact something I truly want. But I’ve spent so many years telling everybody I know that I would never settle down and kids aren’t for me, that I feel I have to keep up the facade (as stupid as that sounds) and now that I’m worried by body won’t be able to do this, I’m doubly secretive and evasive. My mind is all a bit conflicted right now.

I will also have a look at Relate and see if there is something there for me.

Thanks again for all your replies and being so understanding, I was scared to post incase I was piled on but I feel a bit better for letting this out.

@Katgolde that’s something I will look into. I’m linked in with the disability service at uni so I’ll see if that is something I can access.

@QuentinWinters I will have a look at that book, thank you for the recommendation. I genuinely can’t believe that I’ve become the thing I hate the most. I love my OH and wouldn’t ever want to be abusive but it does semi like that is what this is. I think you’re right about not resolving arguments healthily. Me and my sister were still getting into actual physical fights with each other up until I was about 30, so that definitely makes sense. Looks like I’ve got some work to do.

Yes I do think ur behaviour is abusive. Stonewalling and having him walk around on egg shells because you kept threatening to leave. Having been with a partner that had similar traits to urself it was very soul destroying being stonewalled.

If this was ur partner that came on here and told his Side Of the story about how u have reacted to a very minor argument plus all the other times u have dragged out an argument or threatening to leave them he would surely be advised on here to leave u.

That said, I can see ur struggling to not act like this intentionally so I agree with PPs about going to ur GP and asking for help for urself and hopefully in turn it will help you react better and be better at communicating. Ur partner does sounds lovely and I hope you can seek the help you need to help patch up this relationship before it’s too late. All the best

If you have problems telling him how you feel have you tried writing him a letter? Write it down and think about what you want to tell him and check that what you've written is what you want to say. Saves you having to face up to actually saying it if that is part of the problem.

Couples counselling would be the best choice,

No, couples therapy is not appropriate where one partner is abusive.

You are abusive OP, but you've taken the first step in acknowledging it. Now you can get some help in addressing it.

If you do a search for silent treatment and stonewalling, you'll find many threads from women that have been through similar. They would be worth a read to understand it from the perspective of the victim. Also, to see how differently male and female perpetrators of abuse are treated on here. You wouldn't be getting the kind, gentle replies you've had if you had posted as a male.

I also think this is abusive, but what strikes me is the total lack of recourse or guilt for how you treat him, it’s more I know I shouldn’t do that, but no thought to how he feels being on the receiving end of it. There is no empathy there at all,

It makes me wonder if the root cause here is you don’t actually love this man, it’s more he’s stuck around so you’re going with it because you wish to be in a relationship where as in reality you don’t really give a shit about him, which is why you treat him as you do.

@HereWeAre20 thank you for your reply. My first reaction there was to defend myself as that’s the default position but I realise that that’s the core of my problem as well. I need to be able to take criticism as well as give it out. I genuinely haven’t been doing the stonewalling or threatening to leave to intentionally be abusive, I think it’s more that I don’t know how to react maturely and healthily in this respect having never been in a proper grown up relationship. My first instinct is to run before he does so I don’t get hurt like I have been in the past. Which I know is bloody stupid and I recognise there are definitely areas of my own personality I need to work on, especially communication and negative reactions.

It’s funny, I’ve spent over a decade trying to get a grip of my bipolar disorder, and I now have very few real life ruining episodes these days due to the self care and behaviour modifying techniques I researched myself but somehow I have let another part of my personality almost ruin my relationship. Coincidentally, I have become a bit neglectful of these self care techniques since I met my OH, feeling like I didn’t need to do them because I was so happy.

I’ve emailed the student well-being team at my uni so hopefully I can access some help for this. And I’ll make a concerted effort to start doing my self care, mindfulness and positive affirmations again.

My DH stonewalls, unfortunately it is a learnt behaviour from his mother who has used it throughout his life to control and fuck with his head ( as she does with all the family). Over the years I realised that it really wasn’t his default setting and with a bit of research identified his DM as having narcissistic tendencies.
He is pretty much NC with his DM and this has had a dramatic effect on his behaviour and ability to resolve issues. He no longer uses the silent treatment expecting me to know why he is no longer talking to me. We are both suckers but only for short periods of time and he has learned how to resolve arguments. It has taken a long time and the damage done in his childhood will never be completely fixed. It is far more complex than just his DM’s behaviour.
I think there are several issues here, firstly stonewalling seems to be your default setting, secondly if you are perimenopausal your hormones may be impacting on your moods, I know I’ve been there. Thirdly, your partner may be enabling your behaviour.
Bipolar aside, you have made the first step by acknowledging you may have a problem. Speak to your GP or psychiatric team, they will have had plenty of experience with the effect of hormones on your bipolar.
Talking with your partner may also help but probably more productive with a third party councillor involved. Not easy under the circumstances

*sulkers

@Bluntness100 this behaviour has only really been happening the past few weeks, before that we’ve had arguments and been able to work through them so I’m trying to understand why I’ve been acting the way I am just recently.

I don’t know where you get that I don’t have empathy? The guilt has been killing me since Monday (the day after this tiff) but I just didn’t know how to make things right. I apologised last night and I’ve come on here to see if I can get any advice as I’ve never been abusive before. And I do love him, which is why I’m seeking help rather than just letting myself off with this type of behaviour.

If you are a sulker, and you know it's wrong, then it really shouldn't be that hard to stop. Take yourself off for an hour or so, fine. If necessary, write down whatever you're feeling. Write down what you know you should be doing ie going to your OH and talking to him about whatever the issue is. Then do it.

I assume your Gp would have checked for pregnancy while doing the hormones for early menopause thing right? because stopping your period at 36 is far more likely to be pregnancy than it is menopause.

You do need to address these behaviours and yes, counselling is going to be necessary most likely. Speak with your GP first. Hopefully they can refer you. If the university offers any counselling, access that. Because these behaviours can be changed but you need to do the work and it's not easy.

Well. I think there's abusive as a pattern to get ones own way (which is what most domestic abusers do) and unhealthy, abusive behaviours picked up in childhood (which lots of us have and doesn't make us abusers).
I'll get piled on in here for saying that. But if your partner will work with you, and you want to learn healthier behaviours, you can do it

I might also be more affected because I’ve been keeping it a secret that I’ve come off the pill

Is it a secret from your BF? If so that's really bad and a serious breach of trust.

I don't think you should buy a place together at the moment.

The only thing I can see your POV on is his driving too fast. My DH does and it really scares me and causes great anxiety. So I understand how you feel.

With everything else, the problem is you just can't let go and this isn't healthy. You'll push him away either emotionally, physically or both and he'll check out of the relationship, even if he remains with you, his heart won't be in it.

By kicking him out to the sofa, you're making a clear statement and showing you have the power and knowing as you do that he has nowhere else to go, it really puts him in his place.

It sounds like it's your house, so I can see you'd see it as you have the right to kick him out....but that doesn't make for an equal relationship...it will have him on eggshells and create resentment.

I don't know what help you could access...but equality and respect are key to healthy relationships. If you don't have that, maybe it's time to part company.