Am I abusive?

[Worriedwoman36]

Please, no nasty comments, I’m already feeling pretty shitty. I’m unsure if my behaviour recently is bordering on being abusive (not intentionally) to my OH? I suffer from bipolar disorder so my moods can sometimes affect how I act and I’ve been known to be quite temperamental (most of the females in my family are quiet fiery and can stand up for themselves) though I’ve mellowed slightly in my old age.

What my problem is is that my OH and I have been having lots of really stupid little arguments recently. Well we had a big one and that was resolved, he’s made positive steps to address what I brought up as having issue with and it’s been over a month now and I’m feeling like the mental load has definitely been lifted to a point where I’m not silently seething every day because he hasn’t done the dishes or put a washing on.

We got into a little tiff on Sunday as I said he was driving too fast on the motorway. He gets very defensive about driving (I think it’s guilt because we were in a bad crash very early on in the relationship and sometimes I do feel a bit anxious if I think he’s going faster than he needs to be). I’m not talking bombing down the road at 120mph, the wee crappy car we have couldn’t do that but on Sunday he was nearing the 80mph mark on a 70mph. I’ve done it myself, zoned out and realised I’ve been driving a bit too fast. But it was his reaction to me asking if he was in a rush? He immediately went on the defensive and it got my back up because I didn’t think the reaction was warranted. We then ended up in a bit of a shouting match.

He apologised quite quickly and said that he would make sure never to drive over the speed limit with me in the car again. But I wouldn’t let it go as I felt it was done in a cheeky, snide, defensive manner. He is always the first one to apologise after an argument though, to be fair to him. I do have a problem with admitting I’m wrong.

Anyway, I told him to sleep on the couch, can’t be fucked with him being a defensive arsehole, sick of some other shite that I dragged up from some past arguments. Then I stopped speaking to him, I got my own dinner all week and done my own washing and left his in the basket, I don’t know why I was being so bitchy. We’ve barely said a word to each other until last night when I asked him if he had decided what he wanted to do since it doesn’t seem like we’re working out? He’s not close to his family so he doesn’t have anywhere else he can go and stay till he gets somewhere new to live.

I feel wretched that I seem to be behaving like his toxic/abusive ExW (maybe not to her extent) but I don’t know why I’m doing it. I’m quite a huffy person in general and I will sulk if I’m pissed off but I normally get passed it. I mean huffy with everyone, been like this since I was a child. But I think that’s what people would call stonewalling and I’ve read that that’s abusive? I’m not meaning to be abusive but I am finding myself escalating an argument and not knowing when to let it go, like a part of me thinks I shouldn’t give in, even though I know a relationship is about compromise.

I’ve been a bit worried and stressed that I’m going through the menopause at 36 because my period has went AWOL and I don’t know if this is causing my mood swings as well because I don’t know what’s going on. I’ve been quite emotional which isn’t like me. Maybe my brain is trying to control the arguing because I have no control over my dried up body? I genuinely feel like I’m going crazy because I don’t know what’s happening with it and it’s all I can think about.

In general my OH is a really good guy, he’s hard working and we’re currently saving up to buy a house of which he has plowed thousands into the deposit since the beginning of the year. But it seems like every time we have a stupid fight I tell him to split the money and go our separate ways. I don’t want to split up with him but I seem to keep saying these words and it’s pushing him away. For context, this is my first really serious relationship where it’s got to the moving in together, long term stage. Before this I was on and off with a guy for a decade (he was my BF first before he met the mother of his child) who I stupidly let come back to me every time he fell out with the baby mama, then she would ask him to come back again so he would and then he would leave because he wasn’t happy and I would take him back because I’m an idiot. I don’t know if I’m scared because what I’ve got now seems real and it’s getting to a stage of buying houses and thinking about children (something I never really wanted before) and now my body might be giving me a big two’s up in that department.

Sorry for the long post. Can anyone recommend something to address my behaviour? I’m a student and disabled so I have a low income and don’t think I’d be able to afford expensive therapy but would be willing to try if people think it would help.

Thank you for reading.

Ok that’s a drip feed. So you’ve only been doing this a few weeks and before that behaved fine, and you feel guilty about it. You didn’t mention that and gave the impression you’d been behaving this way since you were a child with different peoole.

@Bluntness100 it’s not a drip feed. I literally said in the OP that this has been happening very recently. I’ve been a sulker my whole life, yes, but I’ve never been abusive before. Sorry if I missed out the word guilt but I imagined because I came on here asking for help after recognising my behaviour may be abusive that that covered the guilt and remorse part, for if I didn’t feel guilty or remorseful, I would just carry on regardless.

@SandyY2K no not a secret from him, we agreed I’d come off it in June after deciding that children and a house were what we both want (this discussion happened in January).

I realise that I have the power right now due to it being my flat but it’s genuinely not my intention to exert it in a negative way. It just seems to have happened with this fight, I don’t know why I’ve reacted so extremely over this argument. Like I’ve said, it’s only just recently (past 5/6 weeks, we’ve had a big fight and this trivial one that escalated) my behaviour has been like this. We normally have an argument or disagreement, talk it through and make up quite quickly. That’s why I’ve come into MN because I’m shocked and appalled at how I’ve reacted but I don’t know why I’ve reacted in this way.

OP - please can you clarify why you think you are going through menopause when coming off the pill and wanting children? I feel like this is all a bit odd and I'm wondering if your thinking is confused as a result, which is also impacting behaviour. Erratic periods on coming off the pill is not weird. No period if pregnant is not weird. why would you immediately think it's menopause? The reason I'm harping on about this is because I can't help thinking that there's other things going on in your head which in no way excuse your behaviour but make the need for therapy that much more important because it's all very confused.

You are controlling and abusive and if I were your OH I'd be doing some serious duck sorting.

@SpaceOP. I came off the pill in June to let my body get back to normal/see if I was ovulating before we start TTC. I had a withdrawal bleed then 2 normal periods of normal cycle length. I’ve taken breaks from the pill before (when I was single) of 6 months or more and never missed a period. I’ve not had a period since the 13th of August and I’ve taken numerous pregnancy tests and they’ve all been negative (I’ve been having some symptoms that could be attributed to early pregnancy or early menopause). I found out recently that my grandmother went through menopause at 36 which is the age I am now. The doctors obviously thought that fact was valid enough to give me and appointment and take some bloods.

I’ve been willing my period to come every day for the past 71 days and it just isn’t showing. I’ve tried reflexology and Agnus Castus which seems to work for other people but it hasn’t for me.

I do feel like I’m going a bit crazy with this and it’s been weighing heavily on my mind the past month because AF hasn’t shown. And with one of the risk factors being having an immediate relative who had early menopause, it’s just stressed me out a bit. On top of being in my 3rd year of university, it’s a stress I don’t really need so I wanted to get it checked ASAP.

I’m aware that peoples bodies take a while to settle once off the pill but as I’ve said, I’ve took breaks before and this has never happened so it’s just got me concerned.

@Pyewhacket I don’t control him in any way but yes, my behaviour recently has been abusive and I’m looking to rectify it so as not to hurt my OH. And he is well within his rights to leave if he feels he should.

Your comment adds nothing of substance to this thread but thanks for your time.

I do feel like I’m going a bit crazy with this and it’s been weighing heavily on my mind the past month because AF hasn’t shown. And with one of the risk factors being having an immediate relative who had early menopause, it’s just stressed me out a bit. On top of being in my 3rd year of university, it’s a stress I don’t really need so I wanted to get it checked ASAP.

This is my point - you clearly have a lot going on in your mind and that is not helping you to mitigate behaviour that you admit yourself is never ideal but that has got worse.

I think you should write down all you're feeling and thinking for your DP. I think you shop also make it very clear in this that you know your behaviour is wrong and that you are very sorry. Tell him what you are doing to mitigate it. Do it in writing so that you don't have the opportunity to backtrack and get defensive etc. Afterwards you can talk.

@QuentinWinters most PP’s have been helpful and kind and I realise that that might not have happened if I was male. I myself probably wouldn’t have been as kind to a male, although I may have looked at the overall picture and seen it was recent behaviour and the person was actively seeking help before it became a real irreversible problem.

I grew up with a step dad who beat my mother and he emotionally and mentally abused me as well. I’ve actively tried my whole life to never display or manifest the behaviours I seen him exhibit as it disgusts me. And up until recently, I’ve never had this issue but somehow now I do. I’m ill at the thought of this and even though I’m wanting to rectify the issue, there’s another part of me that feels my OH should just leave me as displaying this behaviour one time is enough, even if it wasn’t my intention.

@SpaceOP thank you for this suggestion, I am a person who writes. Lists, diaries, positive affirmations so why I didn’t think to write him a letter I do not know.

I’ll do this right now and give it to him when he gets home. I’ve also got one of his favourite dinners cooking for him coming in from work, so hopefully he’ll see that I’m trying to apologise. Food is my love language.

SandyY2K no not a secret from him, we agreed I’d come off it in June after deciding that children and a house were what we both want

Okay, that's good.

Ultimately, you need to try and think before you act and explore what the consequences of your actions might be.

This means not acting impulsively and breaking down each step of your intended actions..particularly the effect on your partner.

It is abusive behaviour indeed. Now that you have realized, you need to stop acting like this. So no stone walling or considering ending it all and chucking him out for each argument. I have only read your first post. But if you are happy in the relationship in general and looking for a future, then show it, do not call it all to end for a small argument.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply to me. Thank you for all the helpful suggestions and understanding and not piling on someone who has realised they’ve made an appalling mistake.

I’ve written my OH a letter and made contact with my university counselling service so hopefully I can get to the bottom of my recent behaviour and do better. My OH deserves better. He deserves to have the woman he fell in love with, who spoiled him and would do anything for him, not the screeching witch I’ve been the past few weeks.

@Worriedwoman36 I'm also bipolar and come from an abusive background, and I recognise some of myself in your post.

In my head, I was going to be everything my stepdad wasn't. Moved out of there as soon as i could and never went back; so angry with how he continues to treat my mum. I genuinely did not realise until my partner at the time told me, that I had internalised the abusive relationship dynamic as the only possible one, so I was always either pushing him away because I was afraid of him being abusive, or being abusive myself. It took time and work and some extremely painful home truths to work through it, but I'm a better person for it. Couple's therapy may not be appropriate, but personal therapy for you and/or him could be a good move.

I'm really sorry to hear of your fertility worries. However, if you are going to work on this I would strongly advise against getting pregnant right now - the hormones during and after pregnancy play havoc with everyone, but depending on what meds you are on you may have to adjust your dosage and deal with all that crap too. Then you have months of fuck all sleep (major trigger for bipolar) and a huge change in the relationship to deal with while looking after a baby and showing that baby the kind of relationship you would like them to have eventually. Take your time to get this bit ironed out before changing anything basically.

Good luck and

@Worriedwoman36
I think you have explained urself enough to everyone. I’m sure new posters can read back and any of their questions answered. I wish you all the best with letter and truly hope this is a turning point in ur relationship for the better and I also hope it’s not early menopause for u either. Pleas update us on how the letter and conversation goes with ur OH x

Huffy, sulky, fiery, temperamental, you sound exhausting.
If you were a man you’d be getting your arse handed to you here.
The fact you’re aware of your bullying,childish behaviour means that you could change and stop behaving like this.

@SBTLove I’m sorry, I thought that was what I was trying to do? Having come here looking for advice, admitted I’ve behaved appallingly, answered everyone’s questions and took the hard truths on the chin. And also made steps to rectify my behaviour by booking a consultation with the counselling service all within the space of a day, but you still felt the need to comment on this thread and try to kick me when I’m down?

That says more about you than it does me, I think. Thanks for your input.

@HereWeAre20 thank you for your kind words. Thankfully most PP’s have been kind and I recognise that might not have happened if I was male but there’s still people who just take any opportunity to kick people when they’re down which says more about them that it does me. So far I’ve got a phone consultation with the uni counselling service for next week so I shall update on everything in due course.

Thanks again x

Put you down? sorry have we to applaud your behaviour?
I did say if you recognise it you can change.
Work on your victim mentality too maybe, did you think everyone wld be congratulating you? 🙄

I think it's really important OP to acknowledge that although you don't believe yourself to be controlling, the sulking and the outbursts and the punishing behaviour you've displayed do (over time) force a partner to either leave you or modify their behaviour to minimise the chances of you kicking off. It's a really important thing to realise because control isn't always telling someone what to do directly, it's making it impossible for them to act how they would do free of fear of aggression / sulking / punishment etc.

@SBTLove you’re absolutely delightful, aren’t you? I would say that I’m not the one with a victim mentality but you seem to have assumed a superior disposition. I’ve replied to most PP’s even when the truth was hard to swallow, admitted my behaviour hasn’t been up to scratch for the past 5/6 weeks out of a 2.5 year relationship and I’m looking for applause? I came here for advice, which I appreciate most people have offered.

Thankfully, my OH is a lot kinder than you and understands that this behaviour isn’t usual for me and is willing to stick by me because he also recognises that his reactions can be toxic on occasion as well. So we’ll be addressing both our issues together.

Shitting on someone who has recognised an issue and is taking active steps to rectify it helps no one. I hope you never go through a confusing time where your behaviour is less than stellar and people are helpful to you rather than catty. Take care.

Again, not shitting in you. It’s a discussion forum, did you think everyone would pander to you? Do you think a man would be treated with kid gloves?
You are what you are, at least you understand your behaviour is horrible hopefully you can change before he leaves you.

Again, thank you everyone for your input.

He’s read my letter and we’ve had a chat. He realises that my attitude the past few weeks has been out of character for me and is willing to accept that I’m going to take steps to rectify this. He’s recognised that his behaviour is toxic sometimes as well (he has issues due to the behaviour of his cheating ExW), he’s quite defensive at times and admitted that he snapped at me on Sunday in the car over something that was a fair comment due to the speed he was driving. It’s my car (I pay for it, though he’s been using it for work recently as I’m studying online) and he realises that he hasn’t been treating my property with respect.

We’re going to work on the relationship together, as usually we do get on very well and we love each other.

Thank you everyone for your kindness and truthfulness, I won’t be commenting anymore as I would like to focus on moving forward with positive thoughts and figuring out whatever it is that’s been causing this behaviour

Sounds like you're 'testing' unconsciously to make sure you can trust him/that he'll stay with you no matter what. If you want a therapy that will support you in exploring and addressing your relational style I'd look in to accessing some cognitive analytic therapy. Would be hard to access on the nhs unless you're under a CMHT already but if not there are plenty of private therapists around. Check they're registered with the HCPC. Good luck!