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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

She wishes she'd met me in a year.

52 replies

JimTree · 21/10/2020 13:47

Would love some advice, me male - 31, her 27

Been seeing someone for around 6 months, she did tell me at the start she wasn't long out of a serious relationship (around 4 years and she ended it in February) and wasn't sure if she was up for anything serious. I said I was happy with that.

However we hit it off instantly and would spend 2-3 nights a week together soon after we started dating, we'd phone each other the nights we didn't see each other. We even became official (she was really happy when I mentioned I refer to her as my girlfriend to friends) and said I love you a month or so ago, she's also met my family. Things where great until a couple of weeks ago when we had a big argument, ever since she's been different, very conflicted. She says she's still not sure what she wants, she wasn't ready to get into another serious relationship so quickly and it just happened and our fight made her stop for second to reflect.

I've said I'm happy to take a step back, go to seeing each other twice a week (we had been spending whole weekends together) and take things a bit slower. However I also said that the situation did make me feel insecure in the relationship and it isn't much fun to be the one waiting around to found out what's going to happen, I'd rather she was honest now then break my heart later down the line. (She didn't really have an answer to that).

Whenever we're together we have great fun, the last time I saw her (Monday) we had an amazing time, we still phone each other most nights. She said she really likes me and loves our time together, (plus the relationship is incredible passionate), she just wishes she'd met me in 12 months when she was a bit more ready.

What do I do, I feel like I'm just waiting for an answer that may or may not come.

OP posts:

workhomesleeprepeat · 21/10/2020 13:57

Hmmm I’m always really wary of relationships with people who are just out of relationships. I know it’s hard once you’re in it and you like them, but really both of you should have known better! Easy to say in hindsight I know.

I think you need to decide what you want, and then have a conversation about it. You don’t deserve half of a relationship if you really want a full one. She might not be able to give you that atm, but if not she should be upfront about that

SittingontheRascal · 21/10/2020 13:58

She's got you wrapped round her little finger. You are going to have to break it off and go no contact. Otherwise you are in for one hell of a painful ride while she keeps you at arm's length.

ravenmum · 21/10/2020 14:00

You told her you'd be OK with a casual relationship, so if that's not the case any more, maybe you should end it?

Original poster

JimTree · 21/10/2020 14:01

She doesn't keep me at arms length though, we talk pretty much every day on the phone and she tends to spend a couple of nights a week at mine. She's told all her friends and family about me and she's met mine.

OP posts:

SittingontheRascal · 21/10/2020 14:02

@JimTree

Yes, but she can end it any moment and claim it was never anything serious. Are you happy with that or not?

ravenmum · 21/10/2020 14:02

What kind of argument was it?

user1481840227 · 21/10/2020 14:04

What was her serious relationship like?
Did anything traumatic happen or did it leave her with any emotional damage that she needs to heal from?
or did it just end as it had run its course?

Original poster

JimTree · 21/10/2020 14:05

Not really, she was really happy when we became 'official.'

I don't want to make a decision I'll regret, everything was going great until couple of weeks ago. I've said to myself I'll give it a month to see if things change and then decide if this is what I want. We'd even talked about her moving in recently.

OP posts:

Original poster

JimTree · 21/10/2020 14:07

It wasn't really about anything important, I apologised the next day which she accepted, i think it was more until that point everything had been going great and that just gave her pause. She recently started calling me her boyfriend too.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 21/10/2020 14:12

Thing is, if she doesn't know what she wants, then she can't tell you now, because she doesn't know if she will "break your heart down the line" or not. All she could do to prevent you from being upset later would be to break up with you now just in case.

Redcups64 · 21/10/2020 14:12

Depends what the argument was about really, nothing important to one person can be quite different to another.

Maybe she just isn’t good at arguing? That’s just part and parcel with being with someone though so she needs to figure out how you both deal with that or if she doesn’t want any part in it at all.

It’s not fair to tell someone you want things to go slow, then not take them slow, it’s a bit silly really.

SittingontheRascal · 21/10/2020 14:14

There is a lot of confusion between you. You've talked about moving in, yet she isn't sure if she wants a serious relationship?

This doesn't make any sense.

ravenmum · 21/10/2020 14:15

They talked about moving in before the argument.
Now she's rethinking things.

SittingontheRascal · 21/10/2020 14:20

@ravenmum

They talked about moving in before the argument. Now she's rethinking things.

Understood.

Seems to me OP is assuming how she feels, maybe hopefully. He's said "I love you", no mention she said it back. She also seems to have been hesitant right from the start. Must have been one hell of an argument.
After 6 months, if she's still not sure, I don't think slowing down is really going to help?

JurassicParkaha · 21/10/2020 14:20

What you don't want is to be the rebound. Because even if she doesn't intend it, eventually all the emotions she's distracting herself from (with you) will suddenly come flooding back. It could happen at any point, seems to have happened a bit with your argument, and she has already been honest with you about where her head is at. You can't force someone to be ready by just loving them.

What you have now is a half relationship. And the more insecure you feel (and you will, cutting back a relationship because one partner isn't ready is soul destroying), the more she will pull away. The best thing you can do is leave her, explain that you think she should take all the time she needs to look after herself, and if she's ready (And you're still single), she can reach out. She does clearly like you so will not want to end it, or be alone and deal with her last break up. but she is not the one who will suffer. You are.

Then go back to dating. Do not wait around pining for her, hoping she'll be back. She may or she may not. As amazing as she may seem atm, as special as your connection feels, the fact she isn't wholely in it (and is telling you so) means this isn't a relationship. You both need to be on the same wavelength for it to be one.

And for heavens sake stop talking about moving in etc... She is telling you that she has conflicting emotions, then talking about moving in. That is the red flag that she is all over the place and will not be able to make any important decisions atm. Don't tie yourself to this sinking ship. Go and live your life. And if you are meant to be, you will, when you are BOTH ready for it.

Original poster

JimTree · 21/10/2020 14:22

It is an odd one, I guess lockdown dating does that to people.

She did say she wasn't looking for anything serious after our 3rd - 4th date which I was fine with. However we just clicked and things moved very fast, she's spend 2-3 nights in a row at my place (I live by myself). About 3 weeks ago she told me she loved me.

The last 2 weeks shes been very conflicted and I'm trying not to put pressure on her, I said I'm happy to take a step back and just stick to 2 nights a week if we're moving too fast.

I know she said she wasn't looking for anything serious but it just kind of happened.

She doesn't like where she lives and I have a big place to myself so I suggested she could move in and have my spare room so she can get away from her current living situation that stresses her out. She said that was a really nice offer and I was very sweet.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 21/10/2020 14:27

You offering a spare room to escape her current stressful accommodation is not the two of you discussing whether you should move in together. Her mate might suggest that, and also be told that she was sweet for offering (i.e. thanks, but no thanks).

JurassicParkaha · 21/10/2020 14:33

Oh fgs OP. Don't let her move in. Do you really want to spend your best years being an emotional nursemaid to someone healing from a break up. Who could then leave you anyway, because you will always remind her of her upset and turmoil, and one day she will want a fresh start away from all the baggage. It's why rebounds happen, and why they never work out.

She is absolutely going to stay with you atm - because when you are in this headspace of mourning a break up and being conflicted, you do get very selfish. Because your focus is on just you, and you're a bit in survival mode.

But you shouldn't settle for scraps, you deserve someone who is as committed to you as you them. You don't have to walk on eggshells and worry about how much contact is enough, in a good relationship. Or worry that every time you argue she'll walk away. Or want space. You have your needs too and I don't think she is worrying as much about whether she is meeting them.

Original poster

JimTree · 21/10/2020 14:39

Thanks for your advice, everything had been great until 2 weeks ago so I'm a bit hesitant to just end things after one bump in the road.

My plan was to give it 2-3 weeks to see if things change then make a firm decision. We've had an amazing time together for the last 6 months so I want to at least give it a chance. I've been very honest with her and said I don't want to be in a relationship that makes me feel insecure.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 21/10/2020 14:43

My current bf was also supposed to just be a casual relationship - I was expecting it to last the summer. It was just my second "fun" thing after a 20-year marriage and I was looking forward to being semi-single for a while. That was in 2017. Over time, we've become more official - but I've considered ending it several times, simply as we don't live together and it wouldn't be hard, and I don't want to doze my way into a relationship: I want to think about it, so it's an actual choice based on weighing up all the good and bad points.

Haven't told him every time, though, as he doesn't need to know. I wonder if she has told you that as a warning of what will probably come, or simply as she is young enough to still be oversharing slightly?!

TiersTiersTiers · 21/10/2020 14:51

Don't let her move in. It will be a big mistake. She is not ready yet for a serious living together type relationship.

Don't let her mess you around either. Tell her to take time out and find herself. Split up for a while so she can have head space to think things through....otherwise you will just drift on and on like this

seensome · 21/10/2020 14:53

I think you're always ready for the right person, she doesn't want to end it but she's not that keen on a relationship with you, but fair enough you've spend 6 months with her at this point most know if it's got long term potential or not so a couple more weeks I'll guess you'll decide, but don't let her keep you hanging on.

2bazookas · 21/10/2020 15:24

It sounds as if you communicate quite well and she's been absolutely straight with you.

I suggest you slow down and don't push. See her once a week or so, have fun. Give her space and time to get over her old relationship. She 'll learn to value a man who listens to her and respects her.

Merryoldgoat · 21/10/2020 15:43

I think it depends on what the argument was about and how it manifested.

Disagreements are a normal part of a relationship - is that what this was? Or was it lots of shouting and nastiness etc? Because it can show someone in a very different light.

It seems strange to have such an about turn after 1 argument that I’d suspect it shook her up quite badly.

Isanyholeagoal · 21/10/2020 15:48

OP in all honesty I was the girl you describe when I ended a 12 year relationship. I met someone 6 months later who I got on with fantastically well, would see him most weekends, stay over, go on dates but made it very clear I did not want anything serious and labels would make me run a mile. After 4 months I broke it off because I could see he was attached and wanted a relationship and I just wasn’t in the headspace to offer it to him as amazing as he was. I had to go on a journey of finding myself, learning to love myself and appreciating my own space before I could offer anything serious to anyone else.

The argument you had has made her stop and think about what she really wants long term and the truth is she probably doesn’t know and is scared of getting in too deep and not being able to cut it off easily. I really think this woman is going to hurt you (unintentionally) she isn’t ready to move on and give you what you want even if she says she is, she is going to have doubts about whether she is doing / has done the right thing because she hasn’t spent enough time finding herself. If I were you I would break it off but leave the door open, you never know you may still be single when she realises she wanted you after all. I’m now 3( weeks pregnant with the guy I broke it off with and we have been together nearly 4 years Liz there is hope OP. I wish you well

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