Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

She wishes she'd met me in a year.

52 replies

JimTree · 21/10/2020 13:47

Would love some advice, me male - 31, her 27

Been seeing someone for around 6 months, she did tell me at the start she wasn't long out of a serious relationship (around 4 years and she ended it in February) and wasn't sure if she was up for anything serious. I said I was happy with that.

However we hit it off instantly and would spend 2-3 nights a week together soon after we started dating, we'd phone each other the nights we didn't see each other. We even became official (she was really happy when I mentioned I refer to her as my girlfriend to friends) and said I love you a month or so ago, she's also met my family. Things where great until a couple of weeks ago when we had a big argument, ever since she's been different, very conflicted. She says she's still not sure what she wants, she wasn't ready to get into another serious relationship so quickly and it just happened and our fight made her stop for second to reflect.

I've said I'm happy to take a step back, go to seeing each other twice a week (we had been spending whole weekends together) and take things a bit slower. However I also said that the situation did make me feel insecure in the relationship and it isn't much fun to be the one waiting around to found out what's going to happen, I'd rather she was honest now then break my heart later down the line. (She didn't really have an answer to that).

Whenever we're together we have great fun, the last time I saw her (Monday) we had an amazing time, we still phone each other most nights. She said she really likes me and loves our time together, (plus the relationship is incredible passionate), she just wishes she'd met me in 12 months when she was a bit more ready.

What do I do, I feel like I'm just waiting for an answer that may or may not come.

OP posts:

Original poster

JimTree · 21/10/2020 15:52

I said I felt like I was putting in more effort (which on reflection wasn't true), I fully accepted I was entirely at fault and I sent her a very sincere apology the next day. There wasn't any shouting etc, I think she just found my comments hurtful, she then said it made her realise she probably wasn't ready for another serious relationship, I apologised a lot which she accepted and asked if she wanted to end things. She said she wasn't sure and it's been like that ever since. I've seen her twice in the last week. Both times she stayed over and we had a nice time but when I asked she said she still doesn't know what she wants but doesnt want to make a decision she'll regret.

OP posts:

Original poster

JimTree · 21/10/2020 15:57

Thankyou to everyone for your advice, I'm not going to make a rash decision and will see if things change over the next 2 or 3 weeks before acting on the advice given.

OP posts:

WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC · 21/10/2020 16:00

@JimTree

Run, for fucks sake run. Surely you can see where this is going???

Do not move her in! She will dump you and then date other people under your nose?? Come on love. Do better for yourself than someone who won't let you have feelings and tells you they aren't sure about you....!

Cinderellashoes · 21/10/2020 16:02

What sort of relationships have you had before? Have you had long term serious relationships previously?

stillsomewhatsheldonesque · 21/10/2020 16:08

I would back off. The thanks but no thanks, dismissing your offer of a room, wishing you’d met later on all sounds like she isn’t seeing you as a long term option.

That is fine when two people feel the same. Not so much when not.

Pick up your dignity and walk away and find someone who wants you for you now.

ThePlantsitter · 21/10/2020 16:08

Ugh this is horrible for you. Whether she means to our not she is stringing you along. I know you don't want to hear it but I think it's ultimatum time. She's in or you're out. This imbalance in the relationship is not fair and not fun for you. She's completely in charge of it. It doesn't have to be a question of her being a bitch but surely you can't be enjoying the uncertainty/desperation.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 21/10/2020 16:10

Six months in is still well within the honeymoon phase even if things have gone fast. The strength of your relationship is tested by what happens when things don't go well rather than when everything's rosy - from what you've said it doesn't sound like there was any basis for a big argument to happen unless something else was already bubbling under the surface.

Would you wait a year for her? (I wouldn't)

Eckhart · 21/10/2020 16:17

Surely you'd like to be with someone who's 100% into you? Why does she get to dither about and dangle you on a bit of string? Where's your agency in this relationship?

Tell her that you want a proper relationship, and you're stepping back until she's ready, at which point, you'll hopefully still be available. Tell her you love her, if you like, and if that's how you feel, but step back for sure. She knows this feel crap for you, but she prefers it to any of the more respectful options. She prefers to make you feel crap.

Think about it.

Original poster

JimTree · 21/10/2020 16:18

I had a long term relationship with a women who was very controlling, I lost all my confidence.

With this relationship I've learnt to be a lot more vocal about what I want, I've made it pretty clear that I'm not after a casual thing. It seems she knows she isn't quite ready after recently getting out of a long term relationship but also, doesnt want to stop seeing me. I'll happily give her time and be patient, I just want clarity on the situation.

OP posts:

Original poster

JimTree · 21/10/2020 16:25

I think I agree with everyone that said I probably need to step back from the relationship, I just don't want to rush a decision and regret it.

At the end of the day we've had a great 6 months and spend 2-3 days together at a time without ever running out of things too say. Plus I'm not sure I've ever been so passionate with someone, when we're together we barely let go of each other.

I'm going to give it a couple of weeks just to confirm in my head what to do.

OP posts:

WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC · 21/10/2020 16:26

I'll happily give her time and be patient - This is how you lose the respect of other people op. Your job is to look out for yourself, not wait around for others to decide how your life will go.

I just want clarity on the situation. she has been clear though. She isn't sure about you 6 months in. Don't put your fingers in your ears and pretend you haven't heard that... grownups listen to the truth even when it isn't palatable.

stillsomewhatsheldonesque · 21/10/2020 16:26

I hope it works out for you. I do.

I can’t help but feel that you are just stroking her ego though. We all want to feel as though we are someone’s everything. Just not at the expense of someone who is becoming unhappy or is feeling their love is one sided.

By all means be patient. By all means wait. But be prepared to be heart broken. I really don’t think her intentions are the same as yours.

ReneeRol · 21/10/2020 16:27

I'd move on. If she was really into you, she would be excited about that. She's "not sure" because she's not that much into you, a year from now, she still wouldn't be into you. You're her rebound. Don't let her use you.

If you want a serious relationship, go find someone who is serious about you. You deserve better than what she's giving you.

Divebar · 21/10/2020 16:41

I think the thing about people on the re-bound is they can be really full on. You would imagine that they would be flaky and unavailable but actually they throw themselves into their new relationship as a way of avoiding the grief emotions of the last one. I would step back. You’ve been up front about your feelings. Was your comment correct? Do you make all the effort? Just because she was hurt doesn’t mean it wasn’t true... I’d be a bit unavailable- not in a “ playing games” kind of a way but in a “ living my life” kind of way.

Eckhart · 21/10/2020 16:55

With this relationship I've learnt to be a lot more vocal about what I want

I just want clarity on the situation

She's not giving you what you want, and you're not being clear about your boundaries. I would imagine she'd be more likely to want to be with someone who has the confidence to walk away, than someone who hangs around hoping to be loved.

ThePlantsitter · 21/10/2020 17:04

Giving her time and being patient is not giving YOU more clarity on the situation.

If you break up now and she misses you, that's clarity. And if she doesn't miss you - that's clarity too and you can move on. I know it would hurt you but it would be a quick searing pain rather than the slow simmer you're letting yourself in for here. And you would be in charge of it.

newnameforthis123 · 21/10/2020 17:29

@ThePlantsitter

Giving her time and being patient is not giving YOU more clarity on the situation.

This. It's unhealthy to wait for someone to decide if they like you 'enough' or not because it either damages your confidence while you're hanging on before they dump you OR if you stay together it sets a precedent that they are in control and you're made to feel lucky they chose you. Which isn't the case in a healthy relationship. The balance is all off here, you need to walk away.

Original poster

JimTree · 22/10/2020 07:31

Update:

Thanks for all your advice everyone, she actually came over last night out the blue to end things. She was incredibly upset and said she loved me, just not in the right place to start another serious relationship which I've said is what I want. She was so upset she ended up staying the night.

I said that if down the road she changes her mind then to contact me but in the meantime I'm going to move on with my life as I'd like a family one day but no hard feelings.

OP posts:

Oxyiz · 22/10/2020 08:01

Sorry to hear that's happened to you OP - even though that's probably for the best it must hurt.

You mentioned being in an controlling/abusive relationship before - do you think that on some level you might have liked being in one where the other person didn't seem to need/want you as much? I'm just wondering if some therapy might help you work towards finding someone you can properly settle down and have a family with? Sorry if this is a daft thought though.

Original poster

JimTree · 22/10/2020 08:09

Hi Oxyiz, yes I was in a pretty emotional abusive relationship before, once I finally got the strength to leave my Sister helped me sign up for therapy which did really help a lot.

I feel I learnt a lot from it and it taught me to be more vocal in what I want out of a partner.

This last relationship, I never felt unwanted, we saw each other a lot and she'd often call me most nights to chat, she did actually say when she left this morning it probably won't hit her until the first time she goes to call me to tell me about her day and realises she can't.

It just seems more of a case of the right person at the wrong time. I left the door open with no hard feelings but I'm not going to sit and wait around.

OP posts:

joystir59 · 22/10/2020 08:15

Be strong now OP and let her go. Do not keep having sex with her. The sex will keep you pinned in an unhealthy dynamic with her if you let it.

Aminuts23 · 22/10/2020 08:16

I was going to say what @Isanyholeagoal has said. I’ve been there too. She almost certainly respects you but it’s too soon for her. She’s done the right thing for now. She needs to be on her own. Terribly tough for you but ultimately the right thing. She might come back if you can stay friendly and respectful and give her the space she needs. The guy I rushed into a relationship with is now one of my best friends and I love him dearly.

RiseOwl · 22/10/2020 08:19

She broke it off and then stayed the night.
She sounds confused. Like you're CLOSE to what she thought she wanted but there is something missing.

Dont be her friend now OP

Let her experience missing you.

She cant get clarity on that if you are her friend.

🍷

RiseOwl · 22/10/2020 08:21

Ps I agree with others so by "dont be her friend" i mean "dont be on the end of a text message all the time".

Let her really feel the gap your absence makes.

Original poster

JimTree · 22/10/2020 08:36

I've always had a strict no-contact policy after breakups, I said if down the line she decides she is ready then reach out but don't feel hurt if I don't contact her because I'm no good at being friends with people I've dated, I find it too difficult.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3