Too ashamed/embarrassed to have a relationship

[loveisembarassing]

I'm in my 20s and have never been in a relationship.

I have this really strong sense of shame/embarrassment with romantic relationships. I can't believe I have never realised it until now. I have never been able to tell anyone who I like, even when I was a teenager when my friends would be discussing the latest boyband I could never admit which band member I liked and would get really embarrassed. I cannot watch anything that has even the vaguest inclination of romance with my parents. I even get embarrassed when watching Disney Princess films with my niece if another adult is watching it with us as I find it embarrassing for some reason. If there is a good looking actor on any film or TV show I have to leave the room or go on my phone so it doesn't look like I am looking at the actor. Whenever boys liked me at school I would feel so anxious it would make me feel unwell, I wouldn't be able to eat or sleep.

I think it comes down to two things. One is when I was around 6 I received a Valentine's Day card and my parents teased me so much about it I cried as I was so embarrassed. They then used that card as leverage in punishments "be good or I will show your grandparents your Valentine's Day card". Also my parents have a pretty awful marriage, they openly dislike each other but will never get divorced.

When I am alone I have none of these problems. I can watch all the romcoms I like and I can freely admit to myself when I like someone so I don't think it's like repression but instead just embarrassment when with other people. I am 100% straight too so it's not issues with my sexuality. At the present, I don't feel like I am missing anything as you can't miss what you have never experienced and what you don't think about... However deep down, I would like to get married one day and have children. That "one day" is coming up fast and I will need to meet someone soon if I want that but I just feel too embarrassed.

Has anyone else experienced anything similar?

Op that's awful what your parents have done. I think you might benefit from some counseling.

I could have written this myself, down to the line about parents.

I was like you at school - I reached vomit-levels of scared when it came to boys. I was not a cool kid, the boys didn't like me and I was very awkward and geeky.

I didn't think that I would meet someone I could get comfortable with - I used to feel ill with the thought of approaching someone in a romantic way and telling them how I felt.

I was (and am) very lucky - I met a guy at uni who did not give up and I really have him to thank for the fact that I am now married. He and I became friends at a sports club and struck up online conversations - literally the only way I could communicate without keeling over at that point.

We were friends for a while before he told me that he liked me - I flat out rejected him at the time (even though I really liked/loved him) as I was terrified of what might happen.

Fast forward a few years (yes YEARS) and he gave me the ultimatum that he would no longer pursue me romantically if I didn't want a relationhsip. At that point something gave and I agreed to going slowly. It helped a huge amount that we were already best friends - without this I don't think I could have moved forward.

I don't know if my story helps you at all, but if it gives you hope that people like us can find someone I am glad. Make plenty of friends and hopefully you will find a guy who will put in the effort to woo you too!

I was very similar as a child, I felt like I didn't want my family to know that I was even aware of romance/ attraction at all. It's such a strange situation. Being in a relationship was the catalyst for change. I realised the only person I was comfortable with was my husband ( I've had one long relationship in my life) , and over time I stopped caring about what others felt because my confidence grew. I have did some thinking and reading and talked a little about it in counselling and I believe it comes down to fear of intimacy, I had a fear of "being known" because I knew that information could be used in some way to hurt me... I don't know how other people feel about their partners but the fact I felt as I did was absolutely not an indicator that I didn't want romance, in fact it was the opposite, I wanted it very much.

OP I agree that you may need some counselling. How are you talking to men socially (with nothing romantic at all?)

Hello OP. I didn’t have a relationship until my mid-20s. My DH was the same. It’s not as rare as some people would think. I was embarrassed to some degree as a young person but was also focussed on school and jobs rather than dating. Now I’m older and married I’m quite pleased I did it that way as I was able to develop myself before finding a partner. All I’m trying to say is don’t be too discouraged. There are others out there in the same situation - it’s just not talked about much.

What your parents have done is shocking- you really don't have to feel this way at all. I would second getting some counselling so you can put these fears behind you. Unless the thing with your parents is an isolated incident (and I can't believe it is) then you should probably pull back from the relationship a bit as they seem really hurtful and have caused you a lot of anxiety.

I was the same as a teenager no real trigger but being the eldest of three girls I was always the trailblazer. I did have short term relationships in my early 20s but I was always too concerned about other people’s opinions. In my mid twenties I had a relationship with a married man ( long story and it was actually my light bulb moment) I then realised that many people end up in the wrong relationship in order to fit in.
I have been in the relationship I chose for 30 yrs. We were subjected to some “it’ll never last” type attitudes and comments from others but so far we’ve done better than most.
I stopped worrying about what people thought and other societal expectations. I have friends who will probably remain single forever because they will not date anyone who is outside of their perceived social level or who isn’t degree level educated.
Very few men in my generation went to University ( less than 10%) so it rather limits your choices. In the same way we filter out so many partners because of other people’s opinions. If you start by accepting every opportunity you give yourself a greater chance of finding the right one for you.

I had a similar experience too. When I was 8-9 I got given a valentine’s card by a boy in my class. I was so freaked out I didn’t tell anyone and tore it up! I just didn’t know how to deal with the attention (I felt sick) and I would have died of embarrassment if my parents had found out.

I couldn’t talk to my parents about anything - we weren’t close - and I never saw them be affectionate with each other let alone me and my siblings- it’s as if they were emotionally repressed or something yet they young (Teen parents). This massively affected me - and still does to an extent although I am very different with my children.

I also remember cringing when there was a romantic/sex scene on tv, I didn’t know where to look (and this was only Dynasty!).

I’m sorry that you’re still feeling like this though. I think once you’ve had your first partner it does sort of get easier. Once I hit a certain age I loved the attention! Maybe counselling will you unpick these feelings.

I remember this, being teased and embarrassed so I couldn't even use the word boyfriend and girlfriend about anyone at all.
Parents don't half mess you up, but yours actually reducing you to tears and then threatening it with you later is un-fucking-believable. That is awful.
This kind of behaviour isn't stand alone and is usually perpetrated by arsehole parents.

For me, I pushed through it and dated and just didn't tell my parent. For many other reasons, we are no contact with them.
It worked for me but maybe you need to see a counsellor because what you describe is quite extreme.

"be good or I will show your grandparents your Valentine's Day card".

My jaw literally dropped in horror when I read that!
How awful.

They were not good people OP. The only ones who should feel shame is them.

Advices:

• explore your romantic side in private as much as you can. Indulge in it. It's lovely. Watch romcoms, write fanfics, go for it!
• try and start discussing romantic thoughts with like minded people. E.g. on Mumsnet? In the light hearted sections (e.g. Chat). Typically people will be happy to shamelessly discuss their celebrity crushes. It's healthy, so go for it!
• consider therapy for your anxiety

@Wherearefoxssocks

OP I agree that you may need some counselling. How are you talking to men socially (with nothing romantic at all?)

Weirdly, I'm fine with talking to men in general. Even when conversations have been a little flirty I have been fine, particularly when I was at university and away from my family and childhood friends I found it a lot easier. But I don't think I would have ever pursued anything as I know I would have to bring a boyfriend to meet my parents and that just seems unbearable.

Thank you all for your replies. I felt a little daft writing about this on Mumsnet as the majority of posters are parents and therefore have had romantic experience! I am grateful to all who have shared that they were similar as that helps me feel a little less alone with this and like it is something I can overcome.

I do agree with you all who have said I could benefit from counselling - I definitely agree. I do also think mine is an extreme example as I haven't outgrown the embarrassment phase that a lot of you describe having as a child or teen.

I will be moving next year away from my hometown so I think that will be good to give me more freedom to explore all of this.

I think a lot of my childhood was fixed in shame. There were other things like behave or I will tell your teacher/grandparents/aunties and uncles/friends that you argue with your sister at home/misbehave at home, etc. I was painfully shy as a child so that approach scared me into behaving.

You absolutely do not need to introduce any future boyfriend to your parents. You don’t even need to tell them that you are in a relationship.

Your parents shaming of you is so awful. You’ve shown resilience in going to uni and coping with so much. Moving away sounds like a great opportunity to move forward and away from your parents’ influence.

Your parents teasing you like that is awful! My dad was def a bit like that too so I empathize.

Do get therapy. I think it’s great that you can acknowledge the problem that you have. That will really help you to tackle this

I didn't have a really good proper grown up relationship until I met my DH when I was in my mid 20s. We met at work and we just 'clicked'. I knew that I'd have to take him home at some point to meet my parents and that he'd get the third degree from dad who was an awful bully. I'm sure you're not odd OP so please don't despair. You're still very young with a lot of living ahead of you. One day you'll escape from the shackle of your parents who sound like they're taking their unhappiness out on you.

I’ve been like you in some aspects OP. I guess what I did was reach a point where I realised I was crap at saying I liked people who were linked to anyone I know, started internet dating because I really wanted to meet someone, had a good few dates where I was papping it with nerves, but then got a bit hardened to it all which made it easier! I’m now engaged and up the duff with I believe internet date number 40(!) and very glad I did this. Good luck to you.

I think your fear of introducing them to your parents can be addressed in counselling, or just by considering that (a) you don't have to introduce them, and anyone who is committed to you will understand the reasons (b) you may wind up feeling so comfortable with your partner that you eventually don't see it as a big deal anyway, maybe even WANT to introduce them, so there's no point worrying about it anyway in the early stages. I'd really try and spend some time thinking about that rather than letting it freeze you up in the early stages of what could be something special just in case much later you have to introduce them.

I'd definitely explore counselling.

I am similar but my hang ups tend to be around my own appearance - I get really self conscious about the idea of being dressed up or making an effort with clothes / hair / make-up. For me it goes back to when some friends of mine gave me a 'make-over' at the age of about 10 and my dad had a really scathing reaction, making a nasty 'joke' about how I looked like I belonged behind the bar at a local pub. It's scary how easily parents can mess you up with one comment. Knowing where the feelings come from is a big part of dealing with them I think.

OP, any issue that stops you have functioning and happy relationships can be addressed by a qualified therapist.

Look at the BACP website - try to remember (though it's hard with issues around shame) - that absolutely everybody has some sort of hang up - yours is getting in the way of your happiness.

Hving had experience with therapy and knowing quite a bit about it - I can promise you, it will have an impact - people overcome huge trauma - and this sounds like its really affecting you - please do go and find a sympathetic therapist.

It costs money of course - but this is stopping you enjoying your life.

OP, please invest in good quality therapy.

My childhood/adolescence was emotionally abusive and much of it centred around how no one would ever love or want me and how I didn't possess any of the physical attributes necessary to attract a man; nor did I possess the personal qualities that might have made up for physical lack. This was a problem because I also understood that much of life would be closed off to me, as a woman, if I didn't have the validation of having secured a man.

I was brought up understanding that the only way I would have a fulfilled life was if I were married yet i didn't possess any of the necessary qualities to attain that married ideal. So I needed to make myself as neutral and inoffensive as possible so that someone would be willing to settle for me upon realising he could never have who he really wanted. I failed...

My mother pitied me; worried for me; resented me; felt embarrassed by and for me; felt shame.

Anyway, you get the idea!

I completely internalised all of it. Like you, i cannot watch romcoms or even films with a romantic element. I watch horror and violent action films because they are all I can tolerate on an emotional level.

I have very visceral, physical responses to anything with a theme of 'love' or 'romance'. A therapist once described it to me as love feeling repulsive and that's exactly how I feel.

I'm always single. Every couple of years or so, after a new bout of therapy or time working on myself, I try again. But it never lasts more than a few very tense and anxious months. I feel hostility, anger and shame in relationships. I've never been loved and I don't think I've ever loved anyone either.

I'm 45 now and I really feel it's too late for me
There's touch to unpick and too much regret.

My point is really just that, this won't just go away on it's own. If you don't address it, you will feel this way in your 30s, 40s and beyond. Please don't let it get that far x

I can absolutely relate. I dread being asked questions about my love life. If I’m dating someone or like someone I can’t face the idea of friends/family getting all exited... I just find it really embarrassing! I’m sure people think I’m secretly gay, repressed or asexual. I’m none of these things. I also feel if you’re not in a long term relationship people judge you whatever you say. If you say “no” when asked “found yourself a bloke yet” they think I’m a hermit or socially inept, if I mention guys I’ve dated....people jump to the conclusion I’m a bit of a slut (hate that women are judged so much) so I can’t win. Feel I’ve been shamed so much just cos I didn’t settle down with the same boyfriend since my teenage years like everyone else seems to that I have extreme anxiety/ embarrassment when asked questions around anything relating to dating, relationships, attraction, sex etc.

I can relate. When I was 7 or 8 I wrote a poem about a little boy that I played with every day.
My mother showed it to his mother. She thought it was funny to do this.
The boy's mother didn't like it at all. I was never welcome again, and we didn't play together again, and after that I was just like you. Totally hung up and waiting for rejection.
It passed very gradually, after I escaped from living at home. But I would still never tell anyone anything.

I will definitely try and see a therapist in the future when I can afford it. I think there is a lot to unpick.

I am kind of feeling a bit confused at the moment. As an adult I feel like I get on well with my parents so it is confusing trying to process it all.

I have two friends exactly like this. Both still single in their 50s, never openly had a boy/girlfriend. I know one of them was secretly seeing a man for a while, but ended it because he wanted to go public.

They’re sisters, and 100% their father is to blame. He teased them relentlessly when they were kids in much the same way your parents used the valentines card. The friend with the secret boyfriend rang me in tears on her birthday because her parents had been round and she had some flowers from the boyfriend on display.

@Aposterhasnoname That is so sad and I can imagine reacting similarly to your friend in the situation with the birthday flowers. I remember when I was at secondary school, a boy in my class wrote me a love letter and gave me some chocolates for Valentine's Day, it was quite sweet but I had to throw the letter away on the way home and gave the chocolates to a friend as I was so scared of my parents finding it.