Too ashamed/embarrassed to have a relationship

[loveisembarassing]

I'm in my 20s and have never been in a relationship.

I have this really strong sense of shame/embarrassment with romantic relationships. I can't believe I have never realised it until now. I have never been able to tell anyone who I like, even when I was a teenager when my friends would be discussing the latest boyband I could never admit which band member I liked and would get really embarrassed. I cannot watch anything that has even the vaguest inclination of romance with my parents. I even get embarrassed when watching Disney Princess films with my niece if another adult is watching it with us as I find it embarrassing for some reason. If there is a good looking actor on any film or TV show I have to leave the room or go on my phone so it doesn't look like I am looking at the actor. Whenever boys liked me at school I would feel so anxious it would make me feel unwell, I wouldn't be able to eat or sleep.

I think it comes down to two things. One is when I was around 6 I received a Valentine's Day card and my parents teased me so much about it I cried as I was so embarrassed. They then used that card as leverage in punishments "be good or I will show your grandparents your Valentine's Day card". Also my parents have a pretty awful marriage, they openly dislike each other but will never get divorced.

When I am alone I have none of these problems. I can watch all the romcoms I like and I can freely admit to myself when I like someone so I don't think it's like repression but instead just embarrassment when with other people. I am 100% straight too so it's not issues with my sexuality. At the present, I don't feel like I am missing anything as you can't miss what you have never experienced and what you don't think about... However deep down, I would like to get married one day and have children. That "one day" is coming up fast and I will need to meet someone soon if I want that but I just feel too embarrassed.

Has anyone else experienced anything similar?

I am kind of feeling a bit confused at the moment. As an adult I feel like I get on well with my parents so it is confusing trying to process it all.

And that's fine. You can have a nice relationship with your parents, they could be very nice people on the whole, that doesn't mean that they never made a mistake. They are just human like the rest of us. This mistake that they made, you took very deeply and it needs untangling. And that's fine too. A lot of us have some kind of issue that we need therapy with. Totally normal. No need to blame anyone. Just arrange the therapy that you need to move on with your life. It's a bit like your education, sometimes you need to learn something because you need it later in life.

I can relate a little.

Parents sometimes deal with their own discomfort and embarrassment by teasing and passing it on to their kids. They shouldn't because it really affects them, especially at such a young age. Your parents sound immature to me with not a lot if self awareness - I'm sure you would not subject others to this attitude or behaviour?

The solution is to view your parents in a detached manner, and realise that they were brought up with this shame themselves and never developed the maturity to handle it or to treat their children differently. Once you do that, you need to give yourself a good talking to and gave a 'bollocks to that' attitude towards your parents' behaviour. Recognise that you will be pushing yourself out of your comfort zone, and that's a good thing in this case.

Has anyone else experienced anything similar?
@loveisembarassing yes very much so, though my fear and embarrassment came from childhood bullying rather than poor parenting. I'm 41 now and have so far managed one date, and have never been in a relationship at all, 2 years of therapy has not really helped all that much, other than make me realise that it is something that I actually do really want.

I think the posters who have suggested that you just need to grit your teeth and make yourself jump in are correct, exposure therapy if you like, confront your fears and realise they are not so bad after all.

The main thing I would say is that you should tackle this now, don't ignore it like I have, I feel increasingly like I will never overcome this and that life has completely passed me by.

@rorosemary

I am kind of feeling a bit confused at the moment. As an adult I feel like I get on well with my parents so it is confusing trying to process it all.

And that's fine. You can have a nice relationship with your parents, they could be very nice people on the whole, that doesn't mean that they never made a mistake. They are just human like the rest of us. This mistake that they made, you took very deeply and it needs untangling. And that's fine too. A lot of us have some kind of issue that we need therapy with. Totally normal. No need to blame anyone. Just arrange the therapy that you need to move on with your life. It's a bit like your education, sometimes you need to learn something because you need it later in life.

Thank you. I really needed that kind of grounding and perspective.

Hello, i know you asked this years ago so you may not see this, but i’m wondering how things are for you now? I’m struggling with the same thing now, and I’m late 20’s. Does it get any easier?