How do you and ex partner work contact?

[Annabell47]

Hi there, anyone with experience or involved with someone with kids. How do you split contact with your ex partner. My ex partner hasn't had contact with out daughter for 6 months (she is 2). Now we seem to be on a better path to begin co-parenting however I know from experience how difficult he can be. He wants to run before he can walk and I want the process to be slow so our daughter is comfortable. He basically wants her 2 nights per week and every second weekend Friday to Monday. I have disagreed because she doesn't know him well and even though he was involved from the beginning, he never took on any of the responsibility just the playing etc. So basically out daughter's life is structured and happy based around how I have set out life. I do understand he is her father and should be allowed a part in this but I don't think I ever want to give her up the amount of time he's asking. I am so used to her never having to stay anywhere else and our life is happy and settled. I asked him if we can take it slow and later later later down the line when she is comfortable I would agree to one night per week and every second weekend, he claims that's not enough?

This then got us talking about Christmas etc ... He says we should alternate each year so he has her one year and me the next, again I know I sound selfish but I'm just not willing to give this up because I have another child from previous relationship and I don't want to split my children up on Xmas day. I suggested we half Xmas day but I'm not even sure if be happy with that (he wasn't happy anyway) other people I know generally do boxing day at dads but I wanted to know everyone else's positions and thoughts?

No attacking please as this is so difficult. Just looking for sound advice and experiences. Thank you

My ex only has the dc for a few hours at the weekend, he hasn't had them overnight for a long time. That's his choice though.

We used to alternate Christmas and birthdays, but again he hasn't wanted to the last few years.

With mine theyve always gone to stay at their dads for 2 nights a week but they have done ever since we split up. Their dad was a bit in and out when we first split but ide say like you after 6 months he calmed down and stepped up. (That's for 2 of my dc the other "dad" isnt around)
Ide say one night a week for now then look again after xmas.
As for xmas itself I'm lucky that one dad isnt around and the other is so laid back I've just told him I'm having my children xmas eve and he can have them after lunch xmas day until boxing day and its worked well for the last 14 years.
Good luck.
You'll come to enjoy your you time, make sure you fill it with things you enjoy.

I had a similar situation where my ex went a period of absence he then came back and said he only wants to see them once a fortnight for the day 🤔 no over nights, not even once a week but once a fortnight. I declined

Yanbu to think it needs to be built up-maybe Dad has her on a Saturday then builds up to a Saturday night then Friday and Saturday night etc
Not only does she not know him well I'm guessing that he might not know much about 2 year olds too. Does she still wake at night? I'd imagine it would take a while before she accepts comfort from him at night.
As for Xmas, if he took it to court you'd be made to alternate years but I suspect that court has a backlog that wouldn't result in a date before Xmas.
Has he mentioned court? If I were you I would welcome him getting a Child Arrangement Order sorted so that if he refuses to return the child then the police will bring her home to you. It costs £210 plus mediation so if he's serious that would be a good sign that he's sticking around for her.
My ex and I share Xmas Day. We live about 30 mins away and don't travel to extended family so it's not a big deal splitting the day. The kids like to see us both too. It is falling having to alternate Xmas when he's just turned up recently but perhaps if he's still seeing her weekly this time next year then you'll have to compromise for her sake.

Ultimately 50:50
We have a 2:2:3 arrangement. It works well for my son and we have made sure that we live 5 minutes apart so he can come and get anything forgotten.
If you want less than this and he wants 50:50 you are going to have to come up with a better reason than you just not liking it?

Why hasn't he seen her for 6 months?

I think you're right that's too much to start with, but would probably be OK to build up contact to every other weekend and a night in the week.

My dc are older and he moved away by a couple of hours so he sees them one overnight weekend a fortnight. I always have Christmas and he has Boxing day onwards. (I don't think that's fair probably, but it's what we do).

"I do understand he is her father and should be allowed a part in this but I don't think I ever want to give her up the amount of time he's asking. I am so used to her never having to stay anywhere else and our life is happy and settled."

Maybe he doesn't want to "give her up" the amount of time that you're asking him to.

He does sound like a twat though, why hasn't he seen her for 6 months?

Ok so he hasn't been in her life because he was an alcoholic and drug taker which I only found out at this point and I stopped contact because of this reason. So he has been clean for a few months and we have arranged for a drug and alcohol test to take place before contact begins. My concern is what stops him going back to that old habits?

Yeah he may not want to give up his time either but I have been there for everything since day dot so not having to share my time is a big deal because I don't see why u should just be able to have it all when you've not been there from the beginning with all concerns taken into consideration.

Court hasn't been mentioned but contact supervised has been set up via solicitors however we are communicating better at the minute and because the contact centre is only allowing 1 hour per fortnight due to covid restrictions we have agreed to possibly add some more time in together on top of this with me being there. The split arrangements are what he's pushing for which is what I mean by he wants to run before he can walk and I worry that when we move from contact centre he will start demanding time that I am not ready for and out daughter isn't ready for. I know this is ultimately for my daughter's sake but I also matter and I will not sit being riddled with anxiety at the thought of how quickly her life has to change due to his demands.

Thank you for all your replies it's definitely good for me to know how arrangements work for others when I feel we get to this point.

I think you need to be enthusiastic and positive about him saying he wants x contact. (Hear me out!)

"That's a great idea to do 2 week nights one week and then EOW, we just need to build up to it so DD will be happy to be away from me. What do you think would work/what can you commit to for the next 4 months as we increase it starting with little and often?

Basically always saying "yes" but then sticking up for DDs best interests.

Christmas is more tricky - for now I'd say "let's see where we are next summer but I think it would be unkind to split DD and sibling up on Christmas Day so I'll have think how it could work"

Realistically many DC with separated parents celebrate Christmas twice and not always on the day itself. I just wouldn't be up for discussing it now until regular contact is sorted so I would literally offer a date next summer to discuss it and come to an agreement such as 25th July as then she will be at pre-school perhaps and that could change arrangements etc.

He may not even stick with it, he may move away etc.

I would also stick to communicating via email only, it gives you the evidence that you are facilitating contact and looking for your DDs best interests. Having that in writing if it ends up in court or if SS ends up being involved due to him taking drugs again etc can be extremely helpful.

You need to separate what you are "ready" for from what is in your daughter's best interests because this isn't about you. Assuming she is kept safe, your daughter spending proper time with her own dad trumps whatever desires you have not to 'share' her. It's not your ex's fault that you have a child with another man and therefore they will be separated on Christmas day. If he had another child with a different woman down the line, would you yourself accept that argument used against you?

You're understandably upset that your ex hasn't been involved as he should have been in the beginning and you feel particularly attached to her, but at the end of the day she's not your possession, she's a developing human being who has two parents who are just as important to her development and thrives best with both of them as a integral part of her life. Now that he's stepping up, you need to put aside your own bitterness and facilitate a build up that allows her to have a proper relationship with her own dad, not just "contact" i.e. 50/50 or thereabouts.

@LilyWater really. I asked what others had arranged for contact, not a lesson on how I should view the situation. I certainly will not take into account what your saying. Who are u to tell me I should be looking at 50/50!!!

It's my daughter's interests I have at best here. A father who was an alcoholic and drug user and I should be thinking of how she deserves the same time with him. I think not. Absofuckinglutley not.

Bitterness? Excuse me? Did I say anything that made me sound bitter? I have no malice or bitterness towards my ex, I feel sorry for him and want the best for him but my daughter is the most important person and as for my other child... Don't even go there.

@LilyWater as as for 'contact' that is exactly what it is at this stage as solicitors and courts refer to it as this. A relationship is something that develops when a parent has been absent for some time. That's on him, not my daughter or me. So for now it is 'contact'

My ex has DD every Wed for tea, every Friday overnight and EOW. He takes her to his family the weekend before Xmas every year and I pick her up in time to spend Xmas with my family. It’s a long standing arrangement. He is a good Dad and she loves the time with him. I like the peace of time alone.

50:50 with a committed Dad can be a good arrangement. It sounds from your later posts as if your child’s Dad has more issues than just being your ex and not having seen his kid for 6 months.

I think he can go to court and fucking whistle for that amount of contact. Who will he have around your dd during contact as a recently ex alcoholic/drug user? Just no. Is he delirious thinking a very young child will be happy with that much contact with what is effectively a stranger?

My DD goes to her dad overnight 2 nights a week plus one evening for dinner. We built up to this, which really helped her get her head around it, and we also did a bit of trial and error to see what suited her in terms of the right balance and also us as adults as well.

As a recent drug addict and alcoholic I’d be happy with starting with supervised contact and working up from there.

He needs to prove he is a safe, committed and capable father. He obviously hasn’t put any work in so far to prove any of this.

Your daughter does deserve to have a relationship with him, but not to her detriment.

Make sure you record EVERYTHING.

Yes the build up needs to be slow, an afternoon at the weekend plus a couple of hours in the week, then a whole weekend day plus two weekday sessions building to one night overnight then 2 nights eow. 50/50 is quite reasonable in the long run

And you lost the argument with your scathing comments to @LilyWater when she's actually correct in what she says. It is not your exs fault you have another child. You cannot use that as a reason to not alternate Christmas.

If it goes to court and he keeps clean etc there is no reason for contact to be court ordered as a 50/50 split with alternate Christmas and birthdays. It is becoming the new normal. This will not happen quickly though with his history, however it can happen, just bare that in mind.

@combatbarbie trust me I haven't lost any argument here... Because I won't enter into one. I'm not asking for life advice and beleive me I know what courts can order and I am not in the slightest bit worried with relatives working in family law I know my position.

And in my situation it would take years before a 50/50 split would be granted which by then I wouldn't be opposed to because like I said... It would be gradual and as my original post stated 'he wants to run before he can walk'

I am guessing you don't have children or a situation to put forward that I can compare as to how others work it because that's actually what my original post was asking. Just looking for a thread to jump on for the sake of it... Because that's helpful.

@combatbarbie as for your comment 'it's not your exes fault you have another child' ... You sound like a child. Fault? No it's not 'his fault' but something he was well aware of when we decided to have a child of our own yeah? I definitely do not feel unreasonable for wanting my siblings to spend Xmas together nor was that part up for question. I have birth to both my babies and I know my children would rather be together than apart... He's the adult in the situation therefore none of my children will suffer.

It's also 'not my fault' he had a drug and alcohol problem yet my daughter is the one suffering through not having her father because of his actions so choose your words a bit more wisely In future.

Do you have experience in reading??? It seems u don't because you basically looked for the only part you could find to write a negative comment about and went with it. Clearly a negative Nancy. Your children are older than mine are they? I don't think I told you how old my eldest child was? Your just assuming just as u have done the rest of my post.

I'm making it about me? Am I? Really? Because I'm quite sure if you were able to read you'd see the majority of my asking was in best interest of my daughter's welfare.

Read the post it's about how other split contact ?? I didn't ask you for your opinion on how I feel Xmas day should be split and because of my other child... I am saying how I feel but quite clearly didn't ask for any advice with that.

I don't see you saying how u split your time with your ex? Since that's what I was asking? Let me guess 50/50 yeah. Eye roll

Your post is a minority here. And so is 50/50.