How do you and ex partner work contact?

[Annabell47]

Hi there, anyone with experience or involved with someone with kids. How do you split contact with your ex partner. My ex partner hasn't had contact with out daughter for 6 months (she is 2). Now we seem to be on a better path to begin co-parenting however I know from experience how difficult he can be. He wants to run before he can walk and I want the process to be slow so our daughter is comfortable. He basically wants her 2 nights per week and every second weekend Friday to Monday. I have disagreed because she doesn't know him well and even though he was involved from the beginning, he never took on any of the responsibility just the playing etc. So basically out daughter's life is structured and happy based around how I have set out life. I do understand he is her father and should be allowed a part in this but I don't think I ever want to give her up the amount of time he's asking. I am so used to her never having to stay anywhere else and our life is happy and settled. I asked him if we can take it slow and later later later down the line when she is comfortable I would agree to one night per week and every second weekend, he claims that's not enough?

This then got us talking about Christmas etc ... He says we should alternate each year so he has her one year and me the next, again I know I sound selfish but I'm just not willing to give this up because I have another child from previous relationship and I don't want to split my children up on Xmas day. I suggested we half Xmas day but I'm not even sure if be happy with that (he wasn't happy anyway) other people I know generally do boxing day at dads but I wanted to know everyone else's positions and thoughts?

No attacking please as this is so difficult. Just looking for sound advice and experiences. Thank you

@combatbarbie and to add. I don't recall asking anyone to predict what was going to happen like MN was some sort of crystal ball to the future. Of course I'm bloody clued up, I didn't ask court process or anything of the sort because that I am clued up on and I know what he will and won't get if it went that way, I asked personal experiences and real life situations how people work and split contact time which the majority of the other mumsnetters understood. I asked this because I am not a dick of a human and I am trying to be reasonable with my ex 'in time' instead of forging him to go to court which I know I could very rightfully do considering the welfare issues which were present previously. So pipe down Karen.

You sound incredibly selfish.

It’s all about you and what you want and what you are ready for. How you don’t want to share time.
What he’s asking for isn’t unreachable.. he should be allowed up to 50/50 once he’s proven he’s clean. He sounds like he’s making a lot of effort.

As for Xmas... every other is fair. It doesn’t matter that he knew you already had a child or will you be that selfish mum that insists on never sharing Xmas/bdays etc

OP I do 50/50 with my ex. He's not an addict or an ex addict but whilst I don't always approve of his parenting choices, I accept that he is a equal parent. It's tough sometimes I confess! Christmas is the worst. We alternate and this year it's his turn. Im dreading it if I'm honest but it has to be fair for both of us and the kids too.

Your situation is slightly different because he has been an absent father. I think in your shoes I'd also want to build up contact gradually. I'd also want him to commit to being a dad - and would want evidence of this. Just as you have said. But all being well, if he steps up - then yes, he and your daughter should be able to have Christmas and birthdays together sometimes. We just have to suck it up unfortunately. I know how hard it is.

It would be great if it were to fit around your other child, but this shouldn't have a bearing on whether he gets this time with his daughter.

The above is dependent on him stepping up and being a proper dad of course!

Ex has contact EOW, midweek for dinner and half holidays. This was court order 4 years ago. Ex consistently asks for more. Child does not want more, likes visiting ex but likes having one ‘home’.

My youngest went to her dad's every Wednesday overnight, every Friday overnight and every other weekend Saturday and Sunday overnight. We swap Christmas, she has other siblings at both houses. When it's his year we just do our Christmas (dinner and gifts etc) a couple of days earlier

I have to agree with the other comments - you do sound selfish and somewhat immature. You asked for advice on a public forum and have been given it by people a lot more experienced than you. Just because you don't like what you are being told is no reason to throw your toys out of the pram. If you didn't want to share a child equally you shouldn't have had a child with someone else. His drug and alcohol problems aside he is entitled to 50/50 that means sharing holidays and overnights. It won't happen straight away but it will most likely happen so you need to prepare for that. It's your job as a mother to facilitate a good relationship with her father

I’m sorry, have we fallen into another dimension where a mother is selfish because she doesn’t want her children to have masses of unsupervised contact with a recovering addict?!

I mean, you might like that for your kids, but I certainly wouldn’t.

@HappyHedgehog247 thank you. I do worry that my daughter won't want this too and that she isn't old enough to communicate clearly yet.

She has always been slightly awkward around him when he wasn't absent I think due to the fact he was in and out and like I said he only ever done the playing. I know myself it takes time for a child to then trust or feel comfortable with someone else doing things such as settling during the night, bath time etc. I used to ask him to do bath time (he done occasionally when he could be bothered) and she would shout the whole time for me while I was downstairs but I was adamant at the time that they would just have to get on with it so I didn't interfere (I would have now if I had known then his drug and alcohol problems).

It is definitely going to take time to build up the time but as for now it's being supervised in a contact centre but I know he will be like your saying and always ask for more and unless my daughter is ecstatic and comfortable with this it's just not going to happen.

For the other posters claiming my lack of experience.. your right I don't have any experience of a drug and alcohol user and I'm not sure anything will elevate my anxiety about leaving my child with this type of person so I'm not that fussed regards your comments of selfish.

I have a 15 year old and I am definitely not lacking in experience but this one's father has never asked for huge amounts of contact when young so I didn't have that option to explore and this one is old enough to sort arrangements and communicate without me being heavily involved. Me and the father have occasional chats on 'life choices' and anything that we feel we need to work together on for our child. So bore off with your 'immature comments'

50/50 won’t ‘most likely happen’ especially with a father that hasn’t seen his child for 6 months, made no effort to be involved in her life and is now demanding access - not for the benefit of the child, but for his own gain.

Op don’t let the harsh women(?) on here get you down. Some people just like to be knobs for the sake of it. You’re not being selfish wanting your Dd to be safe.

When you said you were worried about splitting up your children for Christmas I did feel sympathetic, imagining a young child asking where their little sister is and why she’s not there on Christmas Day... 15?! Jog on, once your DD’s dad has proven himself a safe and competent parent he has every right to request every other Christmas with court (and tbh in that situation would be likely to get it, even if other contact is not 50/50).

Thanks ladies and gents if any or people with step children who have offered what your arrangements are, it definitely gives me food for thought when we get to this stage. I guess ultimately it will depend on how she feels towards the situation and if he keeps on the straight and narrow. It's just good to hear how other work it but I suppose one size doesn't fit all in these cases and it is all dependant on the individual circumstances. I'm sure and hopeful we with reach an agreement that suits our daughters needs and ours too. Thanks again.

And my comment was deleted why?? You are sounding quite brattish and obstructive because someone dared to disagree with you. And I will say it again.... Your kids having different fathers is not your exs problem. Alternate Christmas is normal and most likely granted.

And just for the record, with the info you have given I'm guessing he's not a low life heroin addict alcoholic that you are allowing more frequent access outside of an already placed order. Professional people who have blipped and used recreational drugs and alcohol as a means of escape are not going to be deemed as unsafe as a junkie.

Me and my ex have a 60:40 arrangement. Never been through courts but has been long standing since we separated almost 3 years ago.

He has them on a tuesday overnight and EOW and then the weekends he doesn't have them he has then on a thursday overnight as well as the tuesday. So basically it's 3 nights one week and 2 the next.

Holidays we just work between us and Christmas I have them Xmas eve into Xmas day and then he has then Xmas late afternoon/evening into boxing day. He agreed to that as it was his fault we separated but he is still decent enough to recognise that I shouldn't have to wake up on Xmas morning without my babies because he couldn't keep it in his pants. We alternate every NYE. We are all happy with this arrangement.

I cant make any suggestions as i have only just split from my alcoholic husband. Its scares me having to allow him access when i cant be sure if he has been drinking. I dont think its something you can understand unless you have lived with an addict. I want me son to have a relatioship woth his son but equally i want my son to be safe. Its hard qhen they are too young to ring you or tell you. I wish you the best of luck. The first thing would be to move it from the contact centre to a park. He has to build your trust. Would he agree to a breathaliser on pick up and drop off?

DS (9 when we arranged things; 11 now) didn’t want to do 50-50 overnights. He wanted one home he mostly sleeps in, where he keeps his stuff. But we still wanted him to be able to have plenty of time with both parents. So he has overnights (Fri-Mon am) EOW plus his dad picks him up from school twice a week, has dinner with him, takes him to training and then brings him home. It works well for us. We split the school holidays 50-50.

DS usually spends Christmas with me predominantly. My ex usually asks for the second week of the Christmas holidays so he can take DS to visit his grandparents for a week. If my ex is around, I always suggest that he picks DS up and has his for some part of Christmas Day. That’s what DS wants and is only fair. We will probably do this again this year (even with heightened Covid restrictions, my ex is single and formed a bubble with his DP so they can still stay with them). I had accepted that he might ask for alternate Christmases, but he seems to prefer an arrangement where he can go to his parents for the whole of his contact time.

DH has the DSC every Wednesday night plus EOW (again Friday-Monday morning) and half the school holidays. He wanted 50-50 (2-2-5-5) but his ex was hideously unreasonable not for the kids’ benefit but for her own reasons but they sorted out the current arrangement through mediation after she behaved atrociously. Christmas is harder for DH to negotiate because his ex thinks she is entitled to Christmas Eve and Christmas Day (well, she’ll let him pick them up just before bedtime because she wants to lie in the next day).

He chose to have children with her though, so he has to deal with the consequences of that (it’s not my fault that my ex and I manage to be extremely low conflict about it all - I have every bloody reason to hate my ex, but it does no one any good if I’m unreasonable and angry about contact).

Ultimately OP, if your ex can be a safe and responsible father, he should eventually end up with something close to 50-50 and where christmases are shared. It might not feel like it right now, but it is likely to be what’s best for your DD.