Difficult divorce

[Worried1981]

I am trying to divorce my va/ea dh. He is being very difficult re petition so it is taking me a long time to get it filed . I have also spent a fortune on legal fees . We are still living together (separate rooms ). I can’t afford to keep asking my solicitor questions so I was wondering if anyone can help . We have been married for nearly 6 years and l am on deeds for the house . He is threatening to not give me anything as he has been the breadwinner and I have been a sahm , he also wants 50/50 even though I am still doing everything despite him being at home now . I am trying to look for work which is really difficult during these times so I am very anxious about the finances . Can anyone help that has been through this ? I have even thought about withdrawing petition as I am so worried about money and having to parent 50/50 with him .

Do not withdraw the petition!. What is your Solicitor like here; is this person proactively moving your divorce along and or well versed in the ways of how abusive men operate?.

Your abusive soon to be ex H is acting to type here right down to wanting 50/50. He likely does not want this at all but uses that effectively against you as a further stick to beat you with. Its also not up to him to decide not to give you any money either; that is another tactic such abusive men come out with against their intended target. He is losing power and control over you hence all this from him to try and regain some over you He will continue to remain this obstructive and obtuse even after you have divorced too.

I would further suggest you contact both Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations, the latter can give legal advice.

Thanks . He is demanding I remove certain things in the petition otherwise he will contest it . My solicitor said if we agree to this she will say that he has to agree to not contesting it . He has a senior solicitor and mine Is the cheapest in the firm but it did say she has experience of Domestic abuse . I am not sure if I should change . She is trying to get him to pay the costs of divorce. She said the settlement is based on need. I am worried as his family is extremely wealthy and they may say I can’t provide for the children like he can . Thanks for your help

I would contact Rights of women and consider employing the use of another more senior solicitor within the firm.

What does he want removing from the petition?

Your solicitor is right that the financial settlement is based on need. A court would look at the pot and separate it based on who needs what, he probably wants 50/50 of the children as this would mean your need is equal to his in regards to housing the children - although he has greater earning potential and is mortgageable where you are not which would mean your need is greater. Is there enough equity/savings/pension to fund somewhere for you and your children to live?

I’m going through a similar thing in my divorce but you know, he doesn’t get to decide you don’t get any money! It is the marital assets and they will be split whether he likes it or not.

Thanks Sophmum. After years of verbal abuse the last straw was when he broke something in anger with the kids present , which really scared my little one . He wants it removed as he thinks it will effect is 50/50 rights of whatever he is planning . His family are very wealthy so I am worried he will try and take kids with a fancy lawyer . There is enough equity to get a small house if it’s split , there is no mortgage so we are lucky . I am tempted to take it out so I can get the petition filed. How far along are you ? Hope it’s working out x

If he's the earner and you've been a SAHM could you not go for spousal support in addition to child support?? He sounds like a complete jerk. You'll get AT LEAST half the house, don't believe his threats, just be sure anything you put into writing is logical, sensible and not something he can use against you. Agree with others to see the rights of women. And don't tell him anything you are doing/thinking/preparing legally.

Thanks .. does it matter that he financed the house ?

does it matter that he financed the house

No.

It is in both your names.

Whatever money he paid off the mortgage automatically became 50% yours IYSWIM.

Child arrangements are completely separate to the divorce petition and the financial settlement. If you are petitioning on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour and there is something he objects to, just remove it, it really means nothing in the end. You just want it signed.

Make sure you have your financial settlement signed off before you file the final degree absolute as you remain financially protected until then.

As a SAHM parent with no income and with primary care of the children you will be entitled to more than 50% as your needs are greater in a needs case. Try to get a part time job, this will demonstrate your willingness to work but low earnings potential, and therefore your need for more capital.

Dont forget to include pensions, get these CETV values on these for the Form E.

Child contact is totally separate, and will be ongoing, things change as they get older anyway. For child arrangements keep a diary of what you do, school runs, meals, homework, etc and what he does, if you can demonstrate he does nothing or very little he will not get 50/50.

Dont discuss the children and finances in the same conversation, they are completely separate issues and have all conversations in writing on email. Centre the children's needs in all conversations about contact. Be polite and detached, anything you write can be used in court.

All legal costs will come from the the joint assets in the end, you just need to find a way to cover them in the meantime. The more he forces you to spend on lawyers the less will be left to meet both of your housing needs, and yours and the children's needs are greater than his.

If he is getting family help with costs try to evidence that, as it can be used to demonstrate he has access to family money and therefore less need than you. HTH.

Thank you . This is really helpful . He has been wfh from March so has been doing their bath at night ( this takes about 20 mins ) he gets up 830/9 ish and I get get up early with them everyday ( including weekends) . I do all meals ( sometimes he will do 1 lunch or dinner at the weekends) . I do all school runs , clubs , play dates and bedtime routine . I have always looked after them all of the school holidays . Before lockdown He was working out of the house . Admittedly, he is at home now so could do some school runs but he is still upstairs most of the day ! He will probably argue that he can do it now . He also never has any meals with the kids and eats on his own . Thanks again for your help

I am desperately trying to find a part time job or a job at a school , it’s hard at the moment . Thanks again for all the advice .

He can argue that he can, but he isn't, so it's academic. You're actually the one doing it. Keep it that way and just keep going.

I'd probably remove the bit he doesn't like to get the divorce petition through, unless your solicitor thinks it's important.

Thanks ... he may start doing it when he has the discussion with his solicitor. He did one pick up last year and waited at the wrong classroom for ds! He still thought he was the year below 🙄

@Worried1981 I was advised by my solicitor to remove any reference of the children from the unreasonable behaviour as apparently the courts don’t like it! So yes I would just take it off if it means he agrees to the divorce.

My husband is also asking for 50/50 custody too with him paying for a stranger to look after them, while I am round the corner perfectly able to.

We can get through this!

It’s really frustrating isn’t it . He thinks he can pick them up and start working again ..he forgets about clubs/play dates /homework and preparing their evening meal ... he even told me practically he can’t do it but wants me to write 50/50 in the agreement , he won’t uproot them in the week apparently...the petition referenced the children as his behaviour had an effect on their well being which is the main reason for divorce but I will take it off if it means he won’t contest it ....

Sounds similar to mine. Practically it would never work but won’t have to pay maintenance if you agree 50/50 custody. Just another idiot trying to avoid paying for their own kids!

he even told me practically he can’t do it but wants me to write 50/50 in the agreement , he won’t uproot them in the week apparently...

Oh god, don't fall for that one - sounds like he's planning on convincing you to let him have every weekend so he creams off all the kids' leisure time, while you're stuck with the school runs and all the drudgery, (not to mention the effect that will have on your work prospects). Fuck that noise. Do not go along.

I'd resist 50/50 and aim for EOW and a night in the week.

I doubt he'll actually step in and start doing school runs as he's an entitled bastard, and probably thinks he can browbeat you into saying and doing what he wants.

OP - my divorce has just come through. I am also a SAHM and he also wanted 50/50.
You already got a lot of good advice.
It’ll reiterate what I found useful.

Kids

• Start writing a diary on your phone. In my case I noted when now exH - left/came back. If he had meals with kids (mostly not). If he attended any kids activities.

It doesn’t have to be long entries, but list school run, meals - you, H worked in the room, etc.

• my Ex started off insisting he would want to be 50/50, while employing a nanny. I stood firm saying I would not agree and we’ll have to settle it in court.
• If he was serious about going for 50/50 - he’d have to have changed his work schedule while we were going through divorce and start actually doing 50%. In the absence of those changes he had no chance of actually getting 50% and he knew it.
• it’s a scare tactic they all use. Don’t fall for it. Just stay firm and keep calmly telling him -

‘We will go to family court and the judge will decide what is best for the children’.

• he will not want to go to court on that.
• I never had to use my diary - but was ready of I needed to.

Money

• It doesn’t matter that he paid in more. 50/50 is a starting point
• Keep the records when you are looking for jobs. And rejections. It will help you prove your efforts on looking for employment and will strengthen your case for spousal maintenance.
• With small children - and depending on his income - courts consider primary age children as ‘more needy’ of SAHP - if there is enough money by the ex-spouse to pay maintenance. And if you need retraining to find employment - that can also be put in.
• Definitely see if there is any money/asset transfer between your H and his family. Wealthy people know how to optimise and hide funds. Your solicitor needs to be on top if that.
• You don’t need the point about breakage of things in front of children - if that would lead to him contesting. You only need some examples of H being unreasonable to get the ball rolling. Nature of ‘unreasonables’ won’t affect settlement or children arrangements. So - removing it doesn’t do anything to your case

Thanks so much for all of this advice, it’s so helpful .
Jaku - Thank you - what was the outcome of children’s contact ? I am so terrified that he would get 50-50 contact if it went to court , he would definitely spend money on a top lawyer . As usual I have done everything today and he has been his usual nice self when he does appear 🙄 my solicitor was very good at getting back to me when I first started the process but is now in court a lot !

OP - if both of you worked and he was actually historically continuously involved with the children - then court would do 50/50 - and that would be actually beneficial as kids need both parents.
Since you are SAHP and can prove being a primary carer - start and keep that diary, also if needed you can get others around you to be witnesses (like how many parent meetings at school has he attended, etc) - the more typical arrangement is EOW, and 50/50 of school holidays.
Mine resisted that originally, and for a while, but ended up agreeing.

Ok that’s good . He never took any time off ( apart from one week during summer ) and all holidays left to me ( which is fine ) He would find it very difficult to get up for the school run ! I was going to suggest he does two pick ups and drops them back at 6pm and we share weekends /holidays . That seems more than fair . Thanks for your help and I am glad yours agreed to not take it to court .

At this point - I’d say don’t try to negotiate everything at the same time. Finances and child arrangements are separate negotiation and also, if it comes to it - separate court hearings.
Financial bit takes the longest - there are forms and disclosures and questions to settle. I’d focus on that for now as normally it takes a while and goes through many iterations.

Also - based on the financial outcome - you’ll know what your situation will be. For example - would you in fact be able to afford to be SAHP or would you have to take a job (part of full time). Or what’s the timing on you possibly returning to employment.

And remember - child arrangements aren’t cast in stone if you two agree to them - ie if they aren’t mandated by the court. You can write them as something that would evolve as kids grow up.

So - for now - if I were you - I’d wait for him to offer what he thinks he wants and then react.

Thanks, this is really helpful . I have a feeling he wants 50/50 as his solicitor has advised him that it will effect financial settlements. I am hoping to get a part time job as soon as possible and then full time after primary school . He always said his work has to come first so I can get a job as long as I am still there for pick up:drop offs etc . I am actually desperate to get a job during school hours . The 50/50 is frustrating as I have just got home with the kids after being out all day and he told them he has to work so they can’t make lots of noise ! It’s half term , I have made plans all week and no offer of him taking them out . I appreciate he has to work but how can he do 50/50 without getting childcare ....thanks again

Well that's the plan, isn't it? He's going to say he wants 50/50 in order to avoid paying child support, but not actually do it and refuse to pick up any of the responsibilities. He's already basically told you that - he'll potentially argue to take every weekend. Don't agree to any such thing.

Don't rush to get a job, especially if it's going to impact your care of the children. Once the financials and access arrangements are sorted, then look for a job.