Difficult divorce

[Worried1981]

I am trying to divorce my va/ea dh. He is being very difficult re petition so it is taking me a long time to get it filed . I have also spent a fortune on legal fees . We are still living together (separate rooms ). I can’t afford to keep asking my solicitor questions so I was wondering if anyone can help . We have been married for nearly 6 years and l am on deeds for the house . He is threatening to not give me anything as he has been the breadwinner and I have been a sahm , he also wants 50/50 even though I am still doing everything despite him being at home now . I am trying to look for work which is really difficult during these times so I am very anxious about the finances . Can anyone help that has been through this ? I have even thought about withdrawing petition as I am so worried about money and having to parent 50/50 with him .

OP - the less child care he does right now the better. Keep recording it.
He’ll have no case for 50-50.

No judge in the world would give him all weekends, so even if he says smth like that it’s a pointless threat.

No judge in the world would give him all weekends, so even if he says smth like that it’s a pointless threat.

Maybe not, but you get women who get suckered into agreeing to it. And then struggle to get arrangements changed.

Thanks ... I know what he is like , he will get a top lawyer to try and get 50/50 , it’s an ego thing . Do many people shared weekends ? Like a day each at the weekends ?

It doesn’t matter what lawyer he will get. Mine had a very expensive one and it didn’t help.
Ego hurts them rather than helps them in these things often. They go in asking for the world, their expensive lawyers tell them they can do it - all so that the fees are justified.
But in the end - UNLESS he changes his attention of involvement with children NOW and keeps it up until you get to the point of negotiations - which will all be going on for a year+ - family court judges will see through it. They have seen it all. And they really are looking out for the children’s interests.

So - my H tried to say - I will be stepping back and working less - so my salary will be less and I’ll have more time with the kids. BUT saying that in front of the judge carries no weight and it’s discounted as it hasn’t happened.

Every other weekend is a typical arrangement. It’s disruptive to split every weekend and doesn’t give them uninterrupted weekend time with either parent. Don’t agree to it.
It’s tough, but you just need to remember you are fighting for what’s best for the kids and be strong.

You seem to think that he will have a better lawyer than you - but if he can afford X on a lawyer - you will be entitled for the same. He will have to pay for yours. It all comes out of marital assets.

Thanks . How much involvement does he need ? Since he has been at home working (due to covid )he does their bath (takes about 15/20 mins ) . I asked him to do this as he would usually be on the train so it would give him some time with them . I think his family would offer to pay his legal fees . He gets really stressed when busy with work which was always a trigger for his abuse so I would that would he hard for the kids ... thanks again for your help

Also wondering if his solicitor will advise him to do more ....

OP - this is why I am saying - don’t initiate the child arrangements conversations now.
Let it be as it is at the moment.
Start with the financial settlement. And getting all the paperwork going takes forever.

The 50/50 thing is what they all start with, as it’s part emotional reaction to their perceived ‘loss’ of their children, and par to potentially reduce maintenance. Once the reality sets in that it would mean they need to actually step up to have any real claim to it - most of them back off. As this isn’t what they want or can do.
So - don’t double-guess it. Or try to prevent it. Just keep going as you are.

If his family helps with legal fees - they are continuing to the family assets, thus half of that is yours. It will all have to be declared. So - you will be able to spend similar amount. If his family actually does contribute - your solicitor can ask for portion of family assets for your legal fees.

You are not powerless here. Don’t let him make you feel like you are.

Thank you , your advice is a big help . Can he say he is financially better off to provide for the children ? Sorry for the questions, I am very anxious about it all. I am waiting to hear if he has now agreed petition .

Him being higher earner has nothing to do with children’s arrangements.
My Ex is a high earner, sees them EOW, plus one night on the other week.
I am still SAHM as his salary is enough to pay child support and spousal maintenance (not a common outcome these days)

Your marriage is average length, so you are unlikely to get spousal for long - possibly for retraining. But this will have no bearing on who gets kids for what time.
Primary carer is always preferred.

I know you are frightened to lose your kids - but this isn’t happening.

Thanks. I do really really worry about the children’s arrangements, I often wake up in the night worrying . It would just be so hard going from primary carer to only seeing them half of the time . I do understand it can work if this has always been the case but it’s very hard on the children If the dynamics suddenly change . It will be another worry if he contests the petition !!

I am a wfh parent. I can claim I can (and do) care for my DD and wfh. She gets a lift to and from school with family but:

• I get up with her at 7am every day, do her breakfast and supervise dressing and teeth then walk her to her lift
• I’m available after school to chat, do her snack and keep an eye on homework
• I make tea and eat with her
• I do bedtime

I also do all her laundry, take her to all Drs, dentists, Opticians, buy her clothes and school uniform. I sort hair cuts and antihistamines for her hay fever. I know her who her friends are, her favourite meals and what she does on line.

If he doesn’t do that 50% of the time and you can clearly demonstrate that it is you that does that then he won’t get 50:50. My ex has 1 night per week and EOW and I make sure that she has clothes that fit, medication, shampoos etc.. round his. I often send meals if he’s not got food for her. I do it for DD not my ex and she loves her Dad but she can see that I still facilitate contact heavily to make it work for her.

Keep calm about child arrangements, he is so unlikely to push the courts for 50:50 no matter what he says to you now to scare you. If he does get to court you just tell them all the things you do every single day for the kids that he does not do... the court look at the child’s needs not the lawyers bill rate!!

Thank you Peace , this is helpful. Since wfh he hasn’t done this . I am always up early with the children sorting breakfast etc , packing bags and walking them to school. After school I do all pick ups dinner eat with them . I take them to their activities ( only a few on at moment due to covid ) and organise play dates . My dd is still quite little so needs me after school and I do enjoy spending time with her . My friends that work at home do still use the after school club until 6pm sometimes so I think he thinks he can do this . There is nothing wrong with that but if I am a stay at home parent I don’t think it’s fair when they have never done it . He is quite controlling so he would probably take me to court ...I actually want them to have a strong relationship with their dad but would like them to live with me . I would also like to shield them from his anger which is worse with work pressure .

He’s only saying 50:50 on childcare to reduce his financial liability and to scare you. Doesn’t sound like he’d cope with much more than every other weekend.
It’s clear that you are the main caregiver, keep it documented that you are. Also yes look for a few hours part time work within school hours to show willing, and document all rejections.
Make sure he fully discloses all his assets, he may well “ forget “ a pension or something else. Mine hid paperwork and all sorts of stuff, and I’m sure he got away with lots of money, but not quite enough to make a forensic accountant worth while.
It’s difficult, but it will feel fantastic once you get away from him.
Maybe your solicitor could ask advice from someone senior in the firm, but please do not be intimidated by his threats, be neutral towards him in person but work hard behind the scenes to get what you are due.

Thanks . I have taken things out of the petition so he doesn’t contest it but I think he will still be difficult and contest . It’s cost so much and I haven’t even got the petition filed . I am worried about money now as he will be difficult about everything. He was being verbally abusive this week , wish I could just leave with the kids !

I would let him have 50/50 how he manages it is his business. Working from home must be difficult I imagine you actually get less done. I have had to do work from hom in holidays and it is rubbish trying to juggle it and childcare but thats life. (and will add to tensions in an already fruaght house but that is not his fault thats just the way it is.)

He can be very shouty and horrible when stressed so I wouldn’t want the kids facing that after school . Plus he is probably doing it for financial reasons as he has already said practically he couldn’t do it . It’s an ego thing

Does anyone have any experience of contested divorce ?

Just bumping ! My little dd told me when I went out he said he hated me and kicked a bean bag , she said she didn’t like it . My ds is sadly use to it .. I am just so desperate to get them out of this , the verbal abuse is getting worse again . If he contests it will it get sent for the court to review ? Any idea on costs? Thank you