Asking my friend to move out

[friendsteak]

Hi all. Bit of a sticky situation and i want some advice.

My best friend and I have been living together for about 4 years: 2 renting a place and the other 2 where I have now bought my own house and have been renting him a room.

He's the friend i would always want to hang around with and enjoy traveling with but I have come to realize he's definitely been taking advantage (become reliant?) of me and gotten comfortable. I take care of bills, the house stays neat and picked up after all the messes. He's very messy and never in a hurry to help with things around the house unless it directly benefits him. I have never realized that this bothered me until we starting living in my house. it is a-lot different when you own it.

So i have made up my mind thatI want my own space, but i want to do this as amicably as possible. I'm trying to avoid jarring topics like "your a slob" and "you piss me off" which i am struggling with. I'm in my late 20's and just got into my first serious relationship, which has been the primary catalyst for all of this. I want to have my own space and really try to develop my relationship, plus i've never lived alone and would really like to!

I feel a sense of guilt because my friend has been struggling with his new job and ended up recently quitting. He now sees his 8 weeks of unemployment as a runway to figure stuff out and take a breather. This also worries me because i think he wont be able to pay the bills or drain what little savings he has.

How do I go about doing this ? I have gotten advice from one of my other friends and my mentor and it seems like theres no easy way to tackle a situation like im in.

On one hand i want to get it over as fast as possible and be direct with him. On the other i feel guilty i may force him to moving back in with his parents or scrapping money together to find a place for him to move.

My thoughts were this:

1. write letter to him expressing how i feel and that I've gotten to a point where i want to live alone because I want my own space and i can afford that luxury
2. giver him a runway of 4 months to find a new place and not charge him the last month to help out.
3. leave it at that and let him do what he will do.

Id love any insight that you'd be willing to offer. thanks.

I would not write a letter. I would be straight and say I want to live by myself now and need my own space. I would give a def timeframe say two months. And still keep charging expenses etc. Be clear and stick to your guns. Good luck

I'd go with option 2. That is kind of you allowing him rent free for the last month also.

No need to list all the things that annoy you.

Number 2 option is kind, but I’d do less, 2 to 3 months

While you've enjoyed his company as a housemate for 4 years, it's time to have independent from each other. Give him 8 weeks, up until Christmas, move out. And don't feel guilty that his options include moving back with his parents. Do it sooner rather than later, because once the annoyance has set it, it'll escalate at speed.

You've lived with him for 4 years and it's natural that you'd want to move on from that as life changes. I think the four month notice period is reasonable. Of course you should talk to him; you don't need to write a letter

FGS talk to him, hiding behind a letter would kill the friendship stone dead. Depending on how he reacts you may need to follow up in writing.

Option 2 and give him 10 weeks, he isn’t a friend if he’s been leeching off you.

he probably would not have given up his job if he had not got a cushty billet with you to fall back on.
i think you need to be straight and strong.
he may be difficult to eject. could you have your partner come round at odd times more often, to try to disrupt the cosy atmosphere lodger has come to expect.
don't go into details why you want him out, just you need your own space/ privacy now, life moves on. don't say anything personal about his habits or slobbishness. after all it's irrelevant really. you now want your own place to yourself.
he is only a lodger, not a tenant. don't let him off bills/rent.
if you give an inch, he may take a mile.
keep calm factual to the point. don't discuss around it.
good luck.

Wow thanks for all the feedback. I get the points about not whiding behind a letter. So i get that. Him and I always dont see eye to eye and can have heated arguments os i thought that would be a good idea but just like @MyOwnSummer said, i think that would o harm then good initially.

@alexdgr8 I could have my GF come around more, that makes sense. I think just getting him out of his comfort zone is the issue i need to solve for.Also to set the record straight alex, he eventually pays me bills, just never on time so i have to front it all.

i wanted to give him some time to get his stuff together ( has 4 cars, a motorcycle and a cat) and figure shit out because it getting cold here and will make things more difficult but maybe im being way too kind and passive?

I think like what was said, i need to:

• Be straight to the point, dont give reasons
• give him a reasonable timeline but NOT too much
• stick to my guns

You have to talk to him.

Say now you have your own house you want to have the experience of living alone before thinking about the next step in your relationship. Say you have had the best times and he will always be your best friends but you want some time genuinely living alone to see how it goes with your new partner. Tell him you know this is a wrench and a shock, but you doubt he had it in mind to live with you like two spinsters in a Jane Austen novel until you are both in your dotage.

Talk to him directly and give him no more than two months. Dragging it out longer would be a big mistake.

You can't not give him any reason, not if you want to stay friends. You have to explain a bit.

You can tell him that now it is your house rather than a shared rental you feel more territorial and it is less comfortable sharing.

If he has any sensitivity at all this won't be so much of a surprise if he knows you are getting serious about your relationship.

He has 4 cars?!

He has 4 cars?!

Fucking hell, I just saw that. Really? Well, coming up with money to move shouldn't be a problem, he can sell the damn cars.

@Aquamarine1029

He has 4 cars?!

Fucking hell, I just saw that. Really? Well, coming up with money to move shouldn't be a problem, he can sell the damn cars.

One of our hobbies is working on cars. We have 8 between us.

Four months notice is far too long; one month would be adequate, two is generous - and don't let him off the rent. No need to over-explain; just say that you're embracing adult life and it's time to move on. If that sends him back to his mum - well, that's his mum's problem. Not the brightest idea to give up a job in order to find yourself during a pandemic - but that's not your problem, either. Arrested development is not an attractive trait, so you might even be doing him a favour by forcing him to grow up.

@RainingBatsAndFrogs your right. i need to give him a reason. i cant just say i dont have one. He will pick at that until i get frusterated ad we start yelling. Thats my primary issue, he doesn't take difficult conversations calmly at all.

@Aquamarine1029 i was originally thinking 6 but thats just insanity i have realized. I figured 2 is standard so i would give him 3 to help him out, liquidate any cars or other things he might need to do to come up with cash to find a new living arrangement.

Me having a gf definitely is a hugh point of contention between us. He got out of a LTR about 8 months ago and is still very sour. I've felt us moving apart the past 6 months because my GF makes me happy and adds positivity, seldom adding anything negative.

ugh this conversation is going to fucking blow.

Op, just sit him down and say You’ve been giving it some thought and want to live on Yout own now, you hope he understands, you would like to give him three months and won’t charge rent for the last month, because you feel it’s time to have your own space and want to also develop your relationship further so it’s the right time to make this move, that you don’t want your relationship to change due to it and are sure it won’t.

Don’t call it a luxury because that’s rubbing it in. Just be clear and honest. And do it face to face.

@katy1213

Four months notice is far too long; one month would be adequate, two is generous - and don't let him off the rent. No need to over-explain; just say that you're embracing adult life and it's time to move on. If that sends him back to his mum - well, that's his mum's problem. Not the brightest idea to give up a job in order to find yourself during a pandemic - but that's not your problem, either. Arrested development is not an attractive trait, so you might even be doing him a favour by forcing him to grow up.

honestly thats what ive been thinking. Hes never really had to worry about a place to live or bills to pay ever then a phone bill or car insurance, stuff like that.Always had people looking out for him. i think a kick in the ass would do him right. i just think it sucks im at the point where its happening during COVID.

Lifes inconvenient i guess....

I might do it along the lines of :

I feel really bad because youve just lost your job, but i need to be honest with you like you would be with me, and tell you that my relationship with xxx is become serious and I’m thinking I need some time alone to get my head together and see what the next steps are. So I need to let you know that our flat share arrangement has to come to an end.

I know it’s not the best timing but it may help you because you can move nearer a potential new job with better pay so it might work out really well for you if you want to cast your net further afield without me holding you back.

I know this is all new and obviously you’ll need some time to find somewhere. Or go back to the family home again. You have choices. We always knew this would come to an end and we could remain mates so I hope that you feel the same now.

Or something along those lines?

@Bluntness100

Op, just sit him down and say You’ve been giving it some thought and want to live on Yout own now, you hope he understands, you would like to give him three months and won’t charge rent for the last month, because you feel it’s time to have your own space and want to also develop your relationship further so it’s the right time to make this move, that you don’t want your relationship to change due to it and are sure it won’t.

Don’t call it a luxury because that’s rubbing it in. Just be clear and honest. And do it face to face.

I love your username. I think thats very well put. ty.

Op, also don’t point out how hard it will be for him. That’s never going to be a winner, it’s like hey mate, I know I’m fucking you over but guess what.

If he raises it, which he likely will, just say I get that, that’s why I said three months, one rent free to help out.

Just tell him how much you’ve enjoyed living with him over the years but you feel ready to have your own space

@Bluntness100

Op, also don’t point out how hard it will be for him. That’s never going to be a winner, it’s like hey mate, I know I’m fucking you over but guess what.

If he raises it, which he likely will, just say I get that, that’s why I said three months, one rent free to help out.

Love that thank you so much. i like to have some ammo in my pocket going into this conversation for sure.

1 month notice. He wont move in 1 month unless you are firm too.

if you give him 2 its christmas andhewill probably try stay "because its christmas".

its a business transaction, he isnt a friend. he has money clearly in the cars!