Can't move on

[notsurewhattodo22]

I could really do with some support as I'm struggling to come to terms with a recent 'breakup' if you can call it that. It's a long one so I'm sorry. I'm 100% sure he is single as well.

About 18 months ago I started talking to a man online. We grew into messaging all day every day. He was lovely and very attentive / caring. Stupidly I carried on chatting for ages without meeting.

We did eventually meet and got on, he said he would like to see me again. This never transpired but we kept chatting. He was always initiating...and talking on the phone.

We kept in touch through lockdown and met up again after regularly for a few weeks. He has now become indifferent towards me, not bothered one way or the other.

I feel upset as he really gained my trust, he wanted to know everything about me and claimed to care so much about me. I presumed he did as he kept coming back and said he wanted a relationship with me.

He did have a nasty streak I noticed. We had fallen out a few times and everytime i had to apologise. Everything was on his terms and he could patronise me if I questioned his motives. If I ever pointed this out he would ignore me for days / weeks. I feel like my self esteem has been destroyed.

He did have a lovely side as well or I wouldn't have been so interested. I at least thought he cared about me or why would he bother.

After seeing eachother regularly and him not making much of an effort it's fizzled out. I tried to make amends but he's not interested and seems indifferent.

I feel like I've been used, he knew how I felt about him and i thought he felt the same.

I honestly considered him to be my best friend, I've been in touch so long that i feel lost without him.

I'm so hurt that he's not interested and i can't seem to move on. He was always hot and cold ish but I thought that this time it would be okay.

It's upsetting knowing that he couldn't care less and I'm here devastated.

If he was never interested why did he want my attention so much...and come back. I know I let him but he seemed so caring when he chose to be.

I feel used and not sure how to stop this awful feeling of just being discarded.

Sorry I did use paragraphs...not came through

When I last tried to make amends he told me that he can't give me what I need etc....hasn't got time.

It's obviously all excuses. I just feel so hurt.

Just move on hun . He seems like a proper wanker actually g like that because hes basically been told hes acting like a prick and doesnt like it . Hes a manchild . Move in and find someone who loves you for you take your time and be in your own for a while

Acting like that not actually

He's a prize prick.
You're better off without him.
I know it's hard but he's awful. Stay strong and in a few months you'll be glad you're free of him

He doesn’t sound like a very nice man . You can do better than this. It’s for us to say , but it’s the truth . He has a nasty steak and it’s nothing to do with you . You are better off without this person , trust me .

I've been in a very similar place OP, it's not nice. This was really an online relationship, messaging people takes very little effort and gives him an ego boost without him having to go to too much trouble. Once you started meeting up, this requires more effort on his part to sustain and by the sounds of it, he couldn't be bothered. You need to block and delete, it's definitely not you, he's lazy and can't be bothered and will be the same with anyone else.

OP this sounds like my recent FWB, even down to the same wording. I feel the same, lost without him and discarded as he now has a proper girlfriend. I cant gove any advice as I'm completely in the same boat, just know you're not alone and I feel your pain too

I empathise. It is very painful to have felt such a powerful connection and then feel discarded. You are heartbroken. From what you've written you know this person isn't good for you, but that does not diminish the current raw feeling of heartbreak.

What can help? Time of course. But in this time of social media and always on internet connections, you need to have a strategy. Commit to going 'no contact' for 3 months to start. Delete and block them on everything. Remember this person is no longer good for you, they are now a real threat to your well-being. They have got into the habit of treating you disrespectfully, that's only going to get worse.

Also, write down a list of every awful thing they have done or said. Everything. Put it on your phone and look at it if you feel yourself weakening.

Finally, plan other positive ways to fill your time. Organise a creative project, something that you can become absorbed in. Send out texts to friends you haven't been in touch with for a while. Move forward with your life and find ways to fill the void. If you can commit to this for 3 months things will look very different. You're not alone. Many of us have been there. Good luck. 💐

I’ve been there as well...a few times. It’s very strange how we can become so attached to someone that we really do not know.

When it happened to me I was devastated- and we had only been talking on the phone for a week. When I look back at it seems so ridiculous but I hadn’t been in a real LTR in years and I was so lonely. Time was the only thing that helped. That and staying busy as possible allowing me very little time to stew about it.

We had DTD a few times which makes it worse. I thought we had a real connection.

We were in touch briefly after the discard but he was just completely indifferent. Even if he was annoyed I would feel like he cared, just nothing. Talking to me like he would any old pal, going about his day.

I didn't bring it up again as I would just have been dismissed.

Since then nothing....just faded away.

I feel sick, I can't eat or sleep. All the time he's not giving me a thought.

I feel like a toy he has used for 18 months for attention, sex.

I feel stupid for putting my trust in him.

Thank you for all your replies...I was expecting to be told to just get over it...I cant seem to.

I even practically begged him and apologised again when it wasn't my fault.

I feel so stupid.

Did he believe you was in a proper relationship?

Sending you hugs. I had this too. Met a man on the apps, e-dated during lockdown, met up after - thought we had a real connection, he expressed interest in a relationship and always initiated e-dates/texting etc. But when we could start meeting in person he just never seemed to have the time. I called him out on it, and he made all the excuses, and was quite cold/dismissive, and eventually ended it saying we wanted different things.

Like you, I was very upset. I really thought we had a connection and it could go somewhere. Pandemic anxiety made me take it worse, and I thought I'd never move on or meet anyone. I went no-contact to maintain my dignity (after i did the initial crying/pleading). But I threw myself into activities, went outdoors a lot, talked to my friends, cried, watched sad movies, moped around for weeks. Eventually I stopped thinking about him as much, the pain lessened and i realised he was just not the right guy for me. I don't know his motivations and frankly, they don't matter. All that matters is he wasn't giving me what I needed from a relationship. And as brutal as the dumping was, he did me a favour by ending it so I could meet someone better suited.

Recently, he did reach out on social media after months of NC. And I was surprised to find I felt very detached towards him. Not angry, or upset. In the end, his issues are his own. Not everyone will want to be with us, and that's ok. But don't take it as a personal rejection of you. Or
think you meant nothing. You have no idea how he feels or what demons of his own he's battling. Take baby steps to distract yourself and bit by bit you'll get over this. Like you have over any disappointment. And I guarantee that you will eventually meet a man more compatible and laugh at how upset you got over this one.

Watch Love Life on the Beeb btw to cheer yourself up!

Yes he referred to us as a couple and in a new relationship.

jurassic thank you and sorry similar happened to you. It's just the worst. Feel better knowing I'm not alone. X

To think that this was just one sided is mind blowing. I think he was a bit bothered but not enough to make any real effort or to discuss things.

I've already tried once I'm not humiliating myself trying again.

I don't feel like I knew him at all now. He always appeared so rational...emotionless even, cold, dismissive.

But could be lovely when he wanted and as long as I didn't question him.

How silly but I thought the sex meant something too.

Maybe you could try some hypnotherapy for letting go of ex's just a thought.
It's about being calm and letting go

You will have to try and move on, keep busy and distract yourself thinking about him too much because he's really not worth it, it's not like you let a gooden go, he's not nice, another thing you could do it make a mental note of the kind of man you would like to meet next time and hold on to that to give yourself hope.

Just not sure how I've got this so wrong.

I think as PP said phoning is easy...when it came to putting real effort in he couldn't be bothered.

It was so many excuses...for 18 months. I believed him. I believed because he kept being there he cared.

I feel like I've lost my best friend, the fucked up thing is he wasn't a friend at all, he used me. If he was a friend he would have been there for me, cared about how I felt.

I got blinded by excuses, was always there for him. From all that to just dismissing me like nothing.

I feel so very hurt.

I feel like I want to tell him how annoyed I am. That's not a good idea right?

@notsurewhattodo22

I wouldn’t as it will probably make you feel worse .

He sounds vile. Had he purely shown you his horrible side you wouldn’t have spent time with him. The relationship was on his terms, if he did this at the start, imagine what he would have acted like a few years down the line!
I know it hurts now, but thank goodness this has happened now rather than waste any more time and be even more devastated further down the line.
Try and occupy your mind with something else, exercise, a new hobby. I know it’s easier said than done, you will get over him! You deserve much better.

Thanks so much....

I just keep checking my phone and wanting him to contact me...silly I know.

I know he never made me happy and it was all on his terms 😪

I really tried though...so much to be understanding with him and the excuses. I've been such a mug.

Block him, so you don't keep looking at your phone and expecting him to call.

He's not worth your time and his saying he can't give you what you want is true. He can't.

Your relationship was never equal. Equality and respect are very important in a relationship.

If you don't have that in the future, just cut loose.

When you don't have an equal relationship...the one who cares least holds the most power.