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Original poster

When did you stop seeking approval from your parents?

40 replies

malificent7 · 20/10/2020 07:34

I need some insight. My mum and dad were desperate for me to do medicine...I didn't and had quite a few mental health issues as a child. I have a few failed careers behing me ( teaching)but I would love to pursue my art.
Age 42, I have a fairly good reltionship with dad but partly due to the fact that I hardly see him due to lockdown. I have realised that I have spent much of my life trying to please him ( and failing) but it hasn't made me happy.
When did you give up on this and how has it shaped you since?
Ironically dad loved art and turned down art school and his partners child is an artist and he always sings her praises. This hurts tbh.

OP posts:
hopefulhalf · 20/10/2020 07:37

44 still waiting....

DDIJ · 20/10/2020 07:38

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

KatherineJaneway · 20/10/2020 07:39

Never

DonLewis · 20/10/2020 07:39

When they died.

But don't wait for that. Just start living the way you want to. The way I see it now, with hindsight, is that as long as I'm a good person, with good intentions, I'm doing OK. The other stuff doesn't really matter. Try and be yourself. It'll feel good. Flowers

HappyDinosaur · 20/10/2020 07:39

I don't think I ever have.

Original poster
malificent7 · 20/10/2020 07:42

I don't get why we are all so hung up on seeking it. I am retraining to join nhs so kind of medical and doing art on the side. The plan is to work and do art on side to gather pension then go for less work hours, more art as I age..

OP posts:
Lolaloveslemonade · 20/10/2020 07:42

Sounds more like guilt/ remorse rather than people pleasing.
If you didn’t follow the path they wanted you to take (Medicine) then you must have made your own choices?
Don’t feel guilty but own any mistakes you have made along the way.

Ohalrightthen · 20/10/2020 07:43

This is an interesting one for me, because i think its really very normal to want the approval of your parents, all your life. Its the historic pattern of expectations/achievements/reactions etc that dictates whether or not its "healthy" to do so.

For example, my medical parents didn't have any expectation of either of us following suit, or of going for any particular career path, but they did expect that we would achieve highly in what we chose and put the hours and effort in. Success was met with praise and failure with support first, and then criticism/consequences after. I remember failing a test, and sitting with my mum feeling like shit and having a cuddle and an icecream, and then the next day or whenever a sit down chat about failure to prepare, and my phone taken off me for a few days.

Throughout my life i have fallen short of, met and exceeded their expectations, gained their approval and lost it, probably in equal measure. I was pretty much always met with love and support, which i think has a huge amount to do with the fact that as an adult, i still want them to approve of me and my choices, but it doesn't gut me when they don't. Probably because it changes nothing.

Ted27 · 20/10/2020 07:43

16, I have always followed my own path. I’m 55, I’m happy with whom I am. I think my mum is happy with how I turned out, my father was always a bit irrelevsnt

Lolaloveslemonade · 20/10/2020 07:43

As for seeking approval... never in my experience!

Original poster
malificent7 · 20/10/2020 07:48

I did follow my own path but it didn't go down too well. It hurts me that dad keeps banging on about how amazing his " step" child is.

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 20/10/2020 07:49

To be fair he has always wanted the best for me.

OP posts:
Ohalrightthen · 20/10/2020 07:52

@malificent7

I did follow my own path but it didn't go down too well. It hurts me that dad keeps banging on about how amazing his " step" child is.
Do you think maybe this might be his incredibly awkward, misjudged way of trying to show you that he values art and artists, and would have valued you in the same way?

Have you tried actually talking to him about this? It's hard as children to address issues with our parents but i think once we're adults there is a lot to be said for sitting down as equals and saying "look, i love you, and i am so grateful for everything you've done for me, but i really struggle with you doing XYZ, it makes me feel ABC and i know that probably isn't your intention- could we talk about it?"

As with literally every single human interaction on the planet, communication is key.

Original poster
malificent7 · 20/10/2020 07:58

My dad won't communicate on a level like this. If i try he responds with one word answers. He has alwaus bigged up my friends while i have to fight for approval. He even came with me when I chose my a-levels and stood over me like a helicopter.

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 20/10/2020 07:58

Always

OP posts:
Ohalrightthen · 20/10/2020 08:02

@malificent7

My dad won't communicate on a level like this. If i try he responds with one word answers. He has alwaus bigged up my friends while i have to fight for approval. He even came with me when I chose my a-levels and stood over me like a helicopter.
I think the aim of the conversation wouldn't really be to have him explain himself, but for you to get the chance to explain yourself. Even if he only gives you one word answers, he might hear what you have to say.

See, i would call standing over you as you picked your A Levels the behaviour of a man who was really trying to be supportive but was just really shit at it. With a bit more data and information he might do it better, you never know.

Or he might still be shite. In which case you know, and can act accordingly.

One1 · 20/10/2020 08:46

It was probably when I stopped caring. My DM is a teacher and always wanted me to do the same as it was a safe career path. The workload/wages imbalance made it a no go for me. My sister gave up teaching eventually, and our DM was never ok with whatever she chose to do afterwards. I used to have my business for over a decade doing arty stuff, my DM never took an interest in it. She would always ask whose it was whenever she saw anything. My neighbours are more acquainted with my work than she is. In all fairness, I come from a culture where parents do not really sing their children’s praises, not to them at least. To others, yes. It totally chipped my confidence, but as my dm explained when talking about my DS, she said she wanted to make her be more ambitious. So I guess it was the same with me.
Op, once you stop caring about what your DD thinks of you, you’ll be fine. Maybe he is saying nice stuff about you and your work, just not to you! xx

One1 · 20/10/2020 08:56

Op, another thing. My DM used go on and on about all the things one of her colleague’s daughter was doing: all the horse work while mum at work, all the extra problem solving from special math books (competition level), etc. A few years ago she was telling me how that colleague got really involved with the A levels in hopes to get her daughter get a better result, which wasn’t at all remarkable. To which I said that all my childhood she had sang that girl’s praises. My DM did not seem to remember a thing. Don’t let whatever your dad is saying about your stepsister get to you, he may not even realise the impact it has on you😀

Angrymum22 · 20/10/2020 08:59

A child should seek and gain parents approval without prompt, reward or consequences. I don’t remember ever feeling that I had to please my parents before myself.
My siblings and I were all high achievers but parents nurtured our ability and never applied the carrot or the stick.
They were incredibly proud of us throughout life. I never felt I wasn’t good enough.
I thought all parents were like this until I met DH and his narc DM I realised that not all children are loved unconditionally. DH struggles with a whole host of emotional shit as a result of his DM but no longer seeks her approval because he knows that he will never get it.

holrosea · 20/10/2020 10:49

Personally I think it's a little more complicated: when do parents start to respect their kids' choices as autonomous adults?

I am very lucky in that I come from a happy, supportive family and the moment that I realised that I knew "better" than my parents (in the context of a job search in my mid-tewenties) was a rather destabilising moment. I'd always looked to them for guidance but now I had to take this step "alone" on my best judgement.

I might be speaking out of my arse because parental approval has never been a thing in my family: of course I want my pants to approve and be proud of me (still in my mid-thirties), but I've never been in a position where their opinion of whatever I'm doing becomes overbearing and steps into the "you should do this..." territory.

It is very much easier said than done, but perhaps it is time to take a deep breath, a step back and practice some self-assurance and boundaries. Make a list of why your current path makes you happy. Remind yourself of your strengths and skills and what you enjoy about your current job/activity.

If someone says "you should have done x/shame you didn't do y/so-and-so did x and she's very good at it", practice your responses:

  • I know you imagined x but that path didn't suit me.
  • I know you think y was a missed opportunity but I am happy doing what I do now.
  • I am happy for so-and-so, but x path is not for everyone and I'm glad to have found my own way.

Good luck Flowers

widespreadpanic · 20/10/2020 13:47

When she passed away when I was 35.

Loved her to pieces but because of the nature of our relationship I never got to live my life and it has had many repercussions.

QueenBlueberries · 20/10/2020 13:54

My mum died 2 years ago and I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I felt terrible about it but then both my sisters felt the same.

For us it wasn't about our careers, but about everything we did. My mum lived her life worried about what people thought of her, and by default, thought of us. About things like relationships, being married, not being married, having the wrong husband, having the right house, leaving our job, not leaving our job. I wasn't as badly affected as my sisters as I moved away when I was 17, but my middle sister has had problems throughout her life because she felt she was never, ever good enough for our mum.

Sad isn't it.

Scorpiowoman80 · 21/10/2020 06:04

I am always looking for my parents approval and have been lucky enough to have amazing parents that support (almost) any of my decisions. That being said you have your own life, if you wish to pursue a career in art then go for it!

FatimaMunchy · 21/10/2020 06:15

This is very interesting. I stopped trying to please my mother when I was about 43. I never felt she was proud of me, but in the end I stopped caring.
On the other side of the coin I am very proud of all my children, but I wonder if I have a right to be. They have chosen their own paths and their achievements are not down to me.

myrtlehuckingfuge · 21/10/2020 06:25
  1. Having done my best to please them I was informed that it still wasn't enough to meet their expectations. Their suggestions for my career would mean that I wouldn't see the kids that often... Life is so much simpler now that I don't have the weight of their expectation on me.
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