When did you stop seeking approval from your parents?

[malificent7]

I need some insight. My mum and dad were desperate for me to do medicine...I didn't and had quite a few mental health issues as a child. I have a few failed careers behing me ( teaching)but I would love to pursue my art.
Age 42, I have a fairly good reltionship with dad but partly due to the fact that I hardly see him due to lockdown. I have realised that I have spent much of my life trying to please him ( and failing) but it hasn't made me happy.
When did you give up on this and how has it shaped you since?
Ironically dad loved art and turned down art school and his partners child is an artist and he always sings her praises. This hurts tbh.

I’ve never sought it. It was obvious by my early teens that the kind of life my parents wanted for me was to leave school at 15, get a job in a shop, marry someone local and have children. Whereas what I wanted was to go to university, travel, and have a professional career. I’m in my 40s now and it’s still very obvious that they think I’ve ‘got above myself’.

I recently moved back to my hometown with DH and DS after years abroad, and we’re buying a house in a historically prestigious part of the city (not for that reason, but to be in walking distance of DS’s school, my work and the city centre), and my parents keep drawing my attention to houses in distant working-class suburbs they think are ‘more in keeping’, despite us both being clear as to why we need to be central.

In short, you can achieve a lot and still disappoint your parents because they wanted an entirely different kind of life for you.

OP, you may feel that your dad goes on and on about his amazing step child, but it's possible that he does the same about you to them.

My grandma used to do this - sing the praises of my cousins to my mum, and me and my brother to my aunt. My mum and aunt both found it annoying and hurtful and a sign that she preferred her other grandchildren, until they talked about it (years later) and realised that she was proud of all her grandchildren but didn't say it to their faces. Is there any chance this could be happening?

17 when I moved out and started supporting myself.
I absolutely adore my parents. They raised me to be a very strong independent woman. Something which does occasionally cause us to butt heads, especially with my mother since I had my own child. My mother is nearly always the first person I turn to for advice but her approval doesn't matter to me. I'm an adult with my own life and if they don't like the choices I make, then maybe they shouldn't have raised me to be so independent 😂

And I totally agree with @Toebarb. Just because you aren't directly being praised doesn't mean they don't think you are amazing! They're your parents after all. They're going to love you so much even if they don't approve of everything you do.

I’m gay but I’ve had to pretend not to be.
I’m married. I’ve children.
I can’t be gay.
It has left me depressed, anxious, with an eating disorder and suicidal at times, let alone the fact I’ve dragged my children and husband into it.
My parents are not open minded. They would have been incredibly disappointed and ashamed if I’d come out to them. I made a decision to lock it up but it’s not done me much good.

I don't remember ever seeking their approval tbh, but it was definitely by the time I was 16 at least.

Not that I did whatever I wanted all the time as I was quite well behaved on the whole, but I never worried what they thought of my choices when I made age appropriate decisions about what to wear, who to date, what to study, what career to choose etc.

After A LOT of counselling. I still do it but am now able to acknowledge when I'm trying to get my fathers approval and try to stop it!

Hmm...

Do we ever stop wanting our parents' love, validation, approval, understanding, encouragement, acceptance? I'm not sure.

If its non-existent or in short supply, maybe its best to accept and kind of 'become our own parents', you know "mother" ourselves with love, care and attention. I'm Catholic and sometimes pray to Our Lady as well, for support and guidance. The wisest people I've met in life, usually older, have some serenity that I believe in part comes from this ability - to mother or parent themselves.

P.S. OP, I think what your DF says about your step-sister on a regular basis is hurtful and unthinking. My mother used to "go on" about a cousin like this - and she wasn't even nice or sucessful ! I think the thing was my mother couldn't really "see" me for whatever reason. Honest, I would pull your DF up on that one. It might also be a start to move towards a more honest relationship ...

I can't really relate to the idea of seeking approval tbh. Neither have ever shown any signs of expecting anything at all from me. Both would help me out if I was in actual trouble, but there has always been quite a lack of interest. I never asked them for advice on how to live my life and they never gave me any. I guess if I'd become a criminal they would have disapproved, but I doubt they'd have lectured me or anything.

The lack of interest is a bit depressing, I suppose, but my response has usually been to stop hoping for any interest, rather than to try to get them interested.

I’ve never sought my parents approval.

If they make very occasional requests like “please could you invite distant relation to your wedding”, or “please could you come with me to visit family friend” etc, I will do it because they want me to... but that’s as far as it goes.

That said, I don’t think I’ve ever done much that they wouldn’t approve of, but it hasn’t been as a result of a deliberate decision to gain their approval.

When I saw Dad open a perfectly acceptable present (not from me) and he grunted, chucked it to one side saying disdainfully, "I don't think much to that" which made me realise that trying to please the unpleasable was a complete and utter waste of time.

It took even longer to inure myself to his psychological games and not get drawn in.

My mum is extremely critical and never has a nice thing to say about me. I had a nervous breakdown and left my job and my relationship. I am an eternal disappointment to her now and I’m not sure I care at all anymore. She was obsessed with me and my siblings going into professional jobs and we all have mental health problems as a result. Life is too fucking short. My son has special needs and she cannot even celebrate his small achievements which I am unbelievably proud of.

When I left college and went to university, I never lived with them again after that. I didn't want their approval, as I knew exactly what I wanted to do, whether they approved or not.

Even at 48, I'll still get "well I wouldn't do that", I just not so gently remind them that it's none of their business what I do. I know I'm looked upon as the black sheep compared to my brother. That's just the way I like it.

I think from teenage years, when I felt them encouraging me to make my own decisions. I always sought their advice/opinion but ultimately my decisions have always been mine. I know I haven't always made the choices that they would have made, but they are respectful enough that they allowed my decisions to be mine. I suppose I've always felt secure enough that they will always be behind me regardless of what happens so I don't need their approval as such.

Or maybe I've always done what they quietly hoped I would, so they've never had to disapprove? 🤷🤯 Well that's a can of worms for my overthinking brain...

DM saying she was so disappointed at my career change was really the last straw; and I went no contact late 30's.

45 and still am. I can honestly say it's created real problems throughout my life - from my relationship with food, my spending habits, my career choices to issues with anxiety and depression.