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Original poster

Can we get through this or should I end it? Please help

28 replies

redmaracas · 20/10/2020 00:43

I am 33 and started a relationship with my partner (also 33) a year ago now. We were friends before.

He is a wonderful person, I love him so much and find him attractive, but our sex life has never been great. This is partly because he has an issue where he cannot last more than about 30 seconds when we have sex (he is very speedy anyway but sex is the most difficult to sustain). He hasn't really had a serious relationship before so I initially thought it might just be his inexperience, but it seems to go quite a bit deeper than that. We've talked about it and tried various techniques together but it never gets any better.

I have tried so hard to be supportive, but I can't help but be disappointed and feel like it's really holding us back sexually. It also means that I still don't really have a feel for whether we are sexually compatible beyond the basics.

Even though I try to be upbeat with him when it happens, he is often really disappointed with himself in bed and sex generally has turned into such a sad experience for me that my sex drive has completely gone, I honestly dread it. Which is so upsetting because I love him and just want him to be happy.

What I want to know is whether you think this is something we can get through? Sex has been really good in past relationships and I just miss that so much, but he's the loveliest person I've ever been with and this is breaking my heart. I'm also obviously not getting any younger and I'm so worried about making the wrong decision.

OP posts:
user1481840227 · 20/10/2020 00:49

I'd end it to be honest.
Sex can cause so many issues in long term relationships so when the issues are present so early on I can't see it boding well for the future of the relationship.

You said sex has turned into such a sad experience for you and that you honestly dread it. They are very strong words....and continuing to have sexual experiences like that even though they are consensual can cause a lot of sexual trauma!

Anordinarymum · 20/10/2020 00:49

There are things he can do to improve his situation. He could start by talking to his doctor. There are techniques which work but you have to apply yourself. There are also other ways of having sex without penetration which are beneficial to both of you.

Does he try to please you in other ways?

Cabinfever10 · 20/10/2020 00:51

When you say that he can't last do you mean premature ejaculation or losing an erection?
If it's premature ejaculation have you tried the durex condoms that are designed for it?
If it's an erection problem I'd suggest that he sees a Dr about it.

S00LA · 20/10/2020 00:52

What is he doing to get help for his problem? You say you’ve been together for a year - he’s had plenty time to seek help.

Original poster
redmaracas · 20/10/2020 00:58

@Cabinfever10 I mean premature ejaculation. We've tried the condoms many times but they have the opposite effect and he feels completely numb and loses his erection.

@Anordinarymum he does try to please me in other ways but I don't know if that is enough. I guess one unfortunate thing is I orgasm best from penetration, which I know may not be a majority view!

I agree with those of you saying doctor but I was trying not to pile the pressure on as I knew he felt bad. He has researched some options but given lockdown for most of this year he hadn't gone to doctor... he definitely could now though.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 20/10/2020 01:01

So it's a year in and he hasn't done anything about it ? It does not sound like he cares

Norwolf · 20/10/2020 01:07

Be honest to yourself and ask yourself if you could you live like that the rest of your life?

user1481840227 · 20/10/2020 01:39

I agree with those of you saying doctor but I was trying not to pile the pressure on as I knew he felt bad.

Again you need to think of your previous words that you've used to describe your experience with sex now, that it's become a sad experience for you and you honestly dread it.

You can't sacrifice yourself and your own feelings like that to spare his!

Sunflower1970 · 20/10/2020 04:18

It sounds like a relationship worth saving. A visit to the Dr ... after the premature ejaculation I would have thought he would be up for it again given his age ? Don’t give up if he’s trying to please you

Original poster
redmaracas · 20/10/2020 09:53

@user1481840227 thanks for your advice, some of the points you've made have hit home a bit.

We get on so well and are so well suited in so many ways, it seems mad to end it over sex... but I think I never appreciated how important it was until now? But then lots of my friends seem fine doing it fortnightly and have never really seemed that into it, so perhaps I'm asking too much to find someone who ticks all the boxes.

I think what's worrying me most is that because of this the sexual side of things has never really developed so even if this was fixed I'm not sure whether we are compatible. Sex has previously been a key element of my relationships but equally, all of those have ended for other reasons that this one probably wouldn't!

I guess I'm also worried that by ending it over this his confidence will be totally destroyed, even more than it is now. He doesn't deserve that.

OP posts:
DoWahDiddy · 20/10/2020 10:05

They use anti-depressants for premature ejac. Get him down the doctors, it should be easily treated.

Sunflower1970 · 20/10/2020 11:42

I think if he gets sorted at the Drs then his confidence will increase. Seems like you have good communication and you are the lady to help him through this! You might dump him and find a fantastic lover who is rubbish in other ways so at least give the guy a chance x

Guiltypleasures001 · 20/10/2020 12:04

Hi op

It all comes across about him, how he doesn't deserve this
My mates have sex every fortnight
It almost reads like you feel your in the wrong for feeling unfulfilled

But actually it is a massive problem if you are dreading sex
You can't be forced or force yourself to accept this as your norm
The bottom line is he possibly has had deep seated problems all his life
especially regarding sex, and he's not dealt with it

You are not his saviour or his therapist, you shouldn't martyr yourself on his alter
Of sexual disjunction, it's important to you so should be important to him

Sometimes love isn't enough, and you could be condemning yourself to a lifetime of quiet sexual frustration, leading to self sheen issues and misery.

Guiltypleasures001 · 20/10/2020 12:05

Sorry flaming iPad keyboard

iluvgab · 20/10/2020 12:24

If he's prepared to get help then the relationship might be worth pursuing.
Personally I'd rather be with a lovely bloke and have to compromise on some aspects of a sex life - but I don't need penetration to come. There are ways around it so that you are still fulfilled.
But if you're feeling really sad about it and your sex drive has gone that's not great.

I think you should talk to him and discuss getting some medical advice first.
There might be some deep-rooted psychological issues behind this which need to be dealt with.

Tricky situation. I'd give him a chance though.

Doyoumind · 20/10/2020 12:30

If he is definitely willing to do the work to improve things then give him a chance but I would set a time limit. If he can't improve the situation I think it will have a major impact on the potential for the relationship to be long term.

S00LA · 20/10/2020 15:01

@Anordinarymum

So it's a year in and he hasn't done anything about it ? It does not sound like he cares
This.

He’s not gone for help because he’s not bothered enough. He will string you along for another year if you let him.

Cut him loose, you are not compatible.

IJustWantSomeBees · 20/10/2020 16:35

No, if he is not proactively trying to improve then it is not worth it. If he is really so sad then why hasn't he gone to the doctors? Not sad enough to stop wanting pleasure himself but sad enough to not actually do anything to improve yours. He is selfish.

IJustWantSomeBees · 20/10/2020 16:46

Also you can't be compatible with someone who doesn't regard your pleasure as equal to his

sharonJJ55 · 20/10/2020 19:18

Sad but I'd move on. Sex is so important in a relationship, it's what defines a friendship from a romantic relationship. If this has continued for more than a year it's likely going to take more than a quick pop of a pill to solve. And I think pleasing you in other ways is great but won't cut it long term.

SoulofanAggron · 20/10/2020 19:57

Some people use a numbing cream. I also knew a bloke who had cured himself of PE by tantric techniques. He could go the longest out of all the lovers I've had.

I guess I'm also worried that by ending it over this his confidence will be totally destroyed, even more than it is now.

It might mean he actually does something about it.

I suppose the most-used tactic men do is deliberately come quickly the first time to get it out of their system, then go again. That is fine IMHO. Of course, not every man can do it/wants to do it.

Maybe if he masturbated more? So he was on less of a hair trigger.

But sounds like he doesn't have a high sex drive anyway.

He sounds a bit neurotic and not much fun TBH.

SoulofanAggron · 20/10/2020 20:07

It gives quite a few ideas here, including Viagra, which he can buy in Boots now. www.nhs.uk/conditions/ejaculation-problems/

Greeneyes78 · 20/10/2020 20:19

Sex isn’t just the ten mins in the sack, it’s a whole lot more than that. If the sex is gone it’s soul destroying and you will resent him over time.

SoulofanAggron · 20/10/2020 20:43

Worse still is if you look up and 15 years've gone by where you somehow forgot what good sex was like, then suddenly remember!

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 20/10/2020 20:48

I think he should see a professional. There may be medication that works, or specific techniques. He can't live like those other - nite the bullet and just do it!