Not sure how I should react to this

[Thewitchinghours]

I am accidently pregnant by a man I have been seeing for 18 months. We are both divorced and have children. His are teens and mine are under 10. There is no way I want another DC so I planned to have a termination.

When I told him that I was pregnant and planning on a termination, he was shocked and asked me to get it sorted out “straight away.” I agreed that I was planning to, and booked a doctor’s appointment. He kept insisting that at the “soonest opportunity” I should abort (which is fine by me but did not appreciate the lack of care for the pace at which it would work for me given my own commitments - (DC and a full time, very stressful job.)

As events transpired (scans and tests) it turns out that I have a more serious problem which warrants further investigation, including an operation under GA next week. The termination is not in question, and will happen, I am now just more worried about my general health and not feeling well.

My b/f has become distant and formal about my medical problems. If I call to give him an update he does not want to know. He’ll say spare me the details, I’m sorry to hear about the problem, I assume you just want space?

The problem is I do not want space. I want support and understanding and a place to vent. He doesn’t seem to get this even if I spell it out.

He is still in touch as he normally is (calling me several times a day,) the friendship part of our relationship is still fully functional, but he has stopped having sex with me and is treating me in a very “matey” way. It’s as if 18 months of romantic history has disappeared overnight and We were just friends the whole time. If you overheard us in a cafe you would think we were just “best buds.”

I don’t know how this has happened. How an incredibly close, romantic, sexual relationship has disappeared in the space of two weeks. I feel he is still going through the motions (eg we spend Tuesday and Wednesday nights together and one weekend night) - he is still coming to mine tomorrow, still cooking dinner together etc, but he’s making plans with me like we are friends.

I cannot live with this elephant in the room. He will say it is not an elephant and it is all perfectly logical: Our plan was to never have a baby. As I am pregnant I will get a termination. Whatever other health problems I have discovered are not his business and he hopes I get better and would I like some space while I recover?

I keep feeling very sad and want to finish with him but the structure and routine of the relationship is still there. It just feels like all the feeling has been sucked out of it. He will not acknowledge this.

Is it best to just withdraw myself and let him come to his own conclusions as to why, or have it out with him and be faced with his “logical” argument as above?

What’s the contraceptive regime like? Was the pregnancy as a result of failed contraception and he feels like you don’t want a termination? I think you need to have a conversation with him about what you’ve said here rather than just dump him.

It's really weird that a boyfriend of 18 months would think your medical problems aren't his buisness. So there's that to start with. But in the termination thing, yes you both agree its not what you want but it's really uncaring for him to just ask you to get an abortion and get on with it. Especially the rushing part. What does he not trust you to do it?

He sounds like an unempathetic dick. Tbh at leat he's shown you who he is. Personally I'd feel like I was letting him off the hook by letting him make the decision to withdraw.

I also think it's a self worth thing in that he's not treating you well enough so calling him out in that while ending it is valuing yourself.

But do you actually want to be with a man who can't use his words and say he's worried you won't abort? If it is like @LouiseTrees said?

He sounds self centred and uncaring to me. Very odd way to act indeed.
Like he's worried about getting too emotionally involved with you and he's now pushing you away when you need him most.
I think you'll have to have it out with him and explain you need to feel cared about when you not well and also dealing with termination.

@Plussizejumpsuit I totally agree

Firstly - sorry to hear about your health problem, OP. I hope it is easily resolved and you feel better soon.

As to your BF: it sounds to me as if your unplanned pregnancy has really scared him and he clearly wants to be sure that it doesn't continue. He may not relax properly until you confirm you have had a termination. Also, you don't say how your pregnancy arose (and it's fine for you not to do so, of course!), but if there has been a contraceptive failure rather than simply a failure to use contraception, he may be very nervous about a reoccurrence.

You say that the relationship was incredibly close and romantic. Those things should have created the basis for something really deep between you. But your illness and the accidental pregnancy are intrusions into that romantic world and perhaps he is struggling to deal with the romantic balloon having been punctured. It's odd to say your health problems are not his business. If I loved someone and was in a relationship, I would regard their health problems as my business.

I can't quite tell from your OP whether you have actually had a proper conversation about how you feel or whether you are just assuming he will give you a very logical response. Whether you've spoken about it or not, in your shoes, I would be inclined to have one more discussion with him about how you feel and how he feels. You may both just need a bit of time to get over this bump in the road. Or it may have shown you that he doesn't want to deal with reality but just wants to live in a kind of romantic fiction where uncomfortable and difficult real life concerns never intrude. In which case, you might decide you aren’t suited long-term. But if things have been as good as you say, it seems a shame just to walk away without trying to reach an understanding.

Why didn't he wear a bloody condom then if he's so horrified about pregnancy ff's. So hypocritical.

Anyone who wouldn’t be concerned and supportive when I was ill wouldn’t be someone I’d want around while I was vulnerable (by being ill or otherwise)

Has anything serious happened to either of you since you’ve been together before the pregnancy and your health problems? If this is the first time he/the relationship has been tested he may be rubbish at dealing with life when it’s difficult.

Sorry you’re going through this and hope your health improves quickly. A lot on your plate. It’s very sad you don’t have his support. Does he think the other health stuff wouldn’t have been an issue if you hadn’t got pregnant? Not an excuse but I wonder if it’s too closely connected in his mind and he’s spiralling and failing to show up emotionally.

@madcatladyforever

Why didn't he wear a bloody condom then if he's so horrified about pregnancy ff's. So hypocritical.

Do you know he didn’t?

Some people can't cope with illness. Some people would back off from anyone with health issues. It's sad but it tells you what you need to know about him.

Sorry but “best buds” / friends would show you much more love, kindness, respect and compassion at this difficult time.

I am sorry that you are enduring this all alone. You must feel v unsupported, neglected, emotionally bruised and lonely.

This has nothing to do with sex and romance. It’s to do with caring. You shouldn’t have to ask for this from him - it should be innate.

He come across as cold, selfish and has emotionally withdrawn.

I hope that you have some friends and family in RL who can hold your hand. You have a rough time ahead and it doesn’t look like he can show up for you.

You deserve better, Don’t indulge him and play along with his denial and coldness by ignoring this. Tell him how shocked and disappointed you are.

Why did his marriage end?

As pp said .. how someone treats you when you are ill speaks mega- volumes about how they really are.
Romantic love and sex is easy until pain and children enter into it...

He sounds a bit like me tbh - unwilling to face certain terrifying realities and just pretending it's not happening. Obviously that's no a good way to deal with things!

I think you need to have a frank discussion with him - you've been a couple of 18 months, and now you have a health scare and need his support. If he cannot or will not do that, then you cannot have a relationship with him at this time - it hurts to have your romantic partner treat you like a buddy, but it stings even more when there's an issue that's worrying you.

If he admits he is worried you won't terminate, then I don't think it's outside normal behaviour to tell him to grow the fuck up, does he not think you've got enough on your plate without having to hold his hand through a procedure YOU are going to have to go through?! Some tough talk might be needed there. I would consider breaking up the relationship rather than being in that odd limbo of will he won't he every few days.

I hope you're ok soon.

He doesn’t sound supportive at all, especially now that you are going through everything that is happening.

I would say walk away, he is grown enough to understand what he is doing and clearly trying his darn best to justify it. He can fuck off and look for a best bud elsewhere that will accept this kind of treatment.

You have kids under 10 who need you and a potential health scare he doesn’t want to even know about after 18months of seeing each other .... Jesus wept, please please put urself first and bin this excuse of a man!!

Not very mature but I'd text him and tell him you've decided to keep the baby then ignore all contact. Let him have a few days worry. What an arsehole.

Also sorry to hear about the health issues you've just found out about and I hope you're well soon

The first termination in your life is something you can do early doors tomorrow. Terminate this person from your life immediately and forever. He’s not your BF or your friend. You have a pregnancy and a medical issue that is serious to need a surgery and GA. even if he was just a friend his behaviour is disgusting. I will support you. DM me xxx

Look up 'avoidant personality type'. Does he fit the description? They can be fun, warm and intimate, but run a mile if their romantic interest gets ill or has a life crisis.

I’m not condoning his behaviour ( he doesn’t sound supportive at all ) but this unwanted pregnancy has scared him to death and mentally it doesn’t sound like he is ready to resume the romantic side of the relationship until you have terminated the pregnancy. This could have caused a lasting fracture to the relationship as he will be worried it will happen again. Not sure where this relationship goes from here...

I think he's finally showed you who he really is. Shit hits the fan, which he is equally as responsible for btw, yet he's essentially out the door and down the hall. To him, this is your problem and he can't be arsed with it.

He's a selfish, self-aborsed prick.

Stretching out on a limb here, think he has had a shock....you and him have had a wonderful 18 months together. Closeness, romance, love et al. Then the bombshell hits. Its rocked him and also yourself. No wonder he is in a fluster. If he didn't want you around he would have fled. What he is doing is continuing the relationship as best as possible. He has probably no idea how to react as you are now dealing with another serious issue on top of the pregnancy. Don't dump him now because he really may not know how you want him to react. Not everyone can be all you want them to be in a crisis. My ex actually walked out of the OW he left me for because she had breast cancer.....didnt even stick around to keep the relationship ticking over until she was better! He couldn't cope with illness. Give your man a chance....talk, talk and talk again. This will test your relationship but it sounds like you had a good start. I would hate you to throw this away because he is a rabbit caught in the headlights. I hope everything works for you not just in medical terms but relationship terms....

I wonder is he pulling away from the romance because he’s worried that if you’re too “perfect” together while you’re still pregnant that you’ll start getting happy family ideas or feel like if he’s loving towards you then he must secretly want the baby...? There are definitely women who would think this and read an implied acceptance of the situation into romantic evenings and gestures etc. Not saying this is a great thing for him to think but maybe he feels he can’t risk you getting ideas in your head like it’s all going to be OK.

He is distancing himself. Save yourself and chuck him first... sorry OP.

It sounds as though he's only sticking around to make sure you go through with the termination.

He's spelt things out for you. He doesn't care about you or your health problems. Please get rid. He's utterly awful. And no, he's not your friend. Friends care about you.

His lack of empathy and quite frankly rather shitty behaviour would be the end of the relationship for me. I don't think there is any way of coming back from that. I'd cancel him coming over again tomorrow. What for? What's the point if he isn't there for you!