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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Found more messages

45 replies

Pollypocket89 · 19/10/2020 17:32

For anyone who's read my last thread, I did speak to him properly and was very clear. He was still adament there's no affair and everything has been completely fine

For some reason today I checked his phone and found a couple of messages from her (woman he works with). Nothing sexual or whatever but she mentions an old Facebook page he had for his music 5/6 years ago and he talks about one of the songs and she said she likes listening to him

Taking away my obvious not liking any communication, does that sound like flirting? Or that it could be? I haven't brought myself to tell my friend in real life yet

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Vitton01 · 19/10/2020 17:35

Definitely sounds like flirting her end and I wouldn’t be too happy. She’s gone out of her way to find out something about him and compliment him.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/10/2020 17:39

He knows this woman is causing problems for your relationship, yet he continues to communicate with her outside of work? He doesn't seem too concerned about your feelings.

Original poster

Pollypocket89 · 19/10/2020 17:40

He showed her it according to the message, about 6 months ago

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Original poster

Pollypocket89 · 19/10/2020 18:12

Sorry I just read my post back

To clarify : he showed her this page months ago, she commented that she liked it, he replied about one song and she said she liked listening to him

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Maze76 · 19/10/2020 21:23

Yup- nip that in the bud

Original poster

Pollypocket89 · 19/10/2020 21:29

Maze?

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OhCaptain · 19/10/2020 21:32

How can you still want to be living like this?

Original poster

Pollypocket89 · 20/10/2020 07:35

I don't. But we had a big honest talk and things seemed to be really good then this

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SecondStageIgnition · 20/10/2020 09:30

@Pollypocket89

I don't. But we had a big honest talk and things seemed to be really good then this

You may have had a big honest talk but that doesn't automatically mean that he's going to maintain that honesty and integrity going forward. Worst case scenario is that he thinks he's now got it sweet with you and you're back to normality, so now he can continue the friendship he thinks he's entitled to, provided he plays it more carefully in future.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 20/10/2020 09:37

Just to be clear - the messages you have read were sent AFTER your discussion about this?

Original poster

Pollypocket89 · 20/10/2020 10:02

Yep... They were sent a couple of days ago. Do they constitute flirting even though not directly sexual?

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Original poster

Pollypocket89 · 20/10/2020 10:06

I do believe that nothing physical has happened but I am scared about

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OhCaptain · 20/10/2020 11:46

Now you know that things weren’t fine after all because he doesn’t want to stop communicating with her and he’s clearly not going to.

So what are you going to do about it? Don’t be passive in your own life!

SecondStageIgnition · 20/10/2020 11:52

Some women like the attention they get from men who are in committed relationships. There can be a number of reasons for this but generally the reason they will court this attention is because such a man is perceived to be a high-value gain. (He's in a committed relationship, but she can still gain his attention, which raises her - in her mind - above the high-value status of the spouse).
So, it may appear to be flirting to you - indeed, it may well be flirting - but the dynamics may be more complicated.
What should interest you more is why your OH is investing time and effort in communicating with her at all when you have made your feelings clear.
Incidentally, the more worried you become and the more you try to talk to him about it, the more power she gains because she can carry on her 'friendly', 'easy-going', 'nice woman' act which she knows will place her in a favourable light against you and your emotional turmoil.

ilikemethewayiam · 20/10/2020 12:04

@SecondStageIgnition

Some women like the attention they get from men who are in committed relationships. There can be a number of reasons for this but generally the reason they will court this attention is because such a man is perceived to be a high-value gain. (He's in a committed relationship, but she can still gain his attention, which raises her - in her mind - above the high-value status of the spouse). So, it may appear to be flirting to you - indeed, it may well be flirting - but the dynamics may be more complicated. What should interest you more is why your OH is investing time and effort in communicating with her at all when you have made your feelings clear. Incidentally, the more worried you become and the more you try to talk to him about it, the more power she gains because she can carry on her 'friendly', 'easy-going', 'nice woman' act which she knows will place her in a favourable light against you and your emotional turmoil.

Agree with this. Some women love being in this position.

My issue would be that you have had a conversation about it and told him you are not happy with it. He has continued regardless. It’s what it says about his respect for you that’s the issue here.

Original poster

Pollypocket89 · 20/10/2020 12:11

Secondstage, I don't think it's this in my case. If you've read my other threads, it's been over a year of this

I think from our talk that he genuinely believes he's doing nothing wrong as its not physical, he thinks they're friends and he admitted he thinks she's attractive

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SecondStageIgnition · 20/10/2020 13:19

@Pollypocket89

Secondstage, I don't think it's this in my case. If you've read my other threads, it's been over a year of this

I think from our talk that he genuinely believes he's doing nothing wrong as its not physical, he thinks they're friends and he admitted he thinks she's attractive

I have now read your other threads. There are some strikingly familiar elements to my own experience but I want to mention two of your more important observations. Firstly, you observed him behaving unusually when he saw her driving (he stuck his tongue out at her). You had not observed him behaving this way before with any other colleagues. It is possible that your husband has (probably sub-consciously) developed a different persona when he is with her. This reason for this is that it is a psychological coping mechanism to protect him against feelings of guilt because he knows (deep down) that he should not be investing time and effort in this woman at the expense of your feelings.

Secondly, he wanted to do something 'nice' for her when she needed advice about a car. This is a classic minimising technique and is actually quite clever (although manipulative) because who would deny any person doing something 'nice' for another, right?

I would be inclined to agree with you: he believes he is doing nothing wrong as it isn't physical. Now, you must make him realise the extent to which this has affected you and that he is doing something wrong.

That process can take quite a long time and can be emotionally draining as well as take a toll on your mental health. If you ever need to private message me, feel free.

Original poster

Pollypocket89 · 20/10/2020 16:42

Just acknowledging your response to say thanks, I'll reply properly once I've fed my dc

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Flower8 · 20/10/2020 17:16

This is tricky, he is either a bit stupid and genuinely hasn't realised that her message was flirty and has been polite.

Or he's keeping contact open but trying to play it safe so you can't really accuse him of anything.

If you've already had a conversation about their communication i would tell him to cut all contact. This may sound a bit extreme but i just wouldn't and couldn't deal with it

Original poster

Pollypocket89 · 20/10/2020 17:19

realised that her message was flirty

Is that how you'd take it too?

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Springfern · 20/10/2020 18:19

There can be a number of reasons for this but generally the reason they will court this attention is because such a man is perceived to be a high-value gain. (He's in a committed relationship, but she can still gain his attention, which raises her - in her mind - above the high-value status of the spouse)

I think there's also another explanation. Some people are emotionally avoidant or scared of commitment so they go after married/unattainable people so that wont have to have real intimacy. Either way it's shit for you OP. And it's not really about her, why is he still doing it is the question

Original poster

Pollypocket89 · 20/10/2020 18:28

I don't think it's that complicated to be honest. I don't think she has some weird issues, from their messages and what he said, it just reads like they genuinely get on... Which is worse

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Scorpiowoman80 · 21/10/2020 06:02

FWIW flirting doesn’t always have to be sexual. You expressed your feelings towards this ‘friendship’ and he’s still chose to communicate with her outside of work. I highly doubt a new friendship would come before the feelings of your wife unless there’s another incentive there.

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 21/10/2020 11:06

I very much doubt they 'just get on'. She's tying herself in knots to get his approval and he is falling for it. I doubt she even likes the song - she's got a crush on him and has convinced herself you're not real or don't have a very good relationship with him and that's down to him. If he was telling her how much he loved you she wouldn't do it.

If he's not admitting it then that's because he doesn't want to lose the attention either. And he won't stop unless he thinks he is going to lose you and he doesn't want to. This is a bit of a game of cat and mouse TBH and would piss me off.

Call his bluff by either developing a 'crush' of your own (name drop some bloke. Talk about how he's so good at this, or did that for you. Such a great guy. Any woman who gets him is lucky. Etc)

Or tell him you want time out and are reconsidering. That the whole thing is just too suspect and has made you question whether he's the right man. You want to explore your options. You know nothings happened but frankly it's all made you think about things you hadn't before.

He's got you currently. He might be a bit less smug if he thinks he hasn't. I've seen many a man go from dismissive about them wife' to shell shocked, heartbroken, can't live without her realising what a prick he has been.

Comments about how they didnt seem to really be in love with her are angrily dismissed as just talk. Of course he loves her! I want to slap them for being so stupid as to be such a fuckwit in the first place but it's incredibly common.

Like it or not most men play down their relationships especially to attractive young women. One way to put a stop to that is to take away that relationship. Of course if he wants out it will backfire. You can have that conversation (keep it short! No heart to hearts please!!!!) and stay in the same house for the kids. It won't take long before he's trying to claw his way back in and at that point you say essentially youve been lying to her about me and it needs to stop.

I had an ex with a secretary that thought he was into her. He invited her out on his boat (he was really into waterskiing) she rocked up wearing a crop top with her equally silly little mate and got a shock when she saw me. It was harmless on his side but I told him to make it clear to her. Which he did. But we were quite new so he had no problem doing that. Yours is different.

Original poster

Pollypocket89 · 21/10/2020 17:51

I know this probably sounds a bit odd and I'm in no way defending but I don't understand the conspiracy/involved theories on the woman. To me it's far more likely she just likes him, as I did.

Also, if you've read the other threads, she's not actually persued him. It's all overly familiar stuff... And that's what I almost think is worse

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