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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

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45 replies

Pollypocket89 · 19/10/2020 17:32

For anyone who's read my last thread, I did speak to him properly and was very clear. He was still adament there's no affair and everything has been completely fine

For some reason today I checked his phone and found a couple of messages from her (woman he works with). Nothing sexual or whatever but she mentions an old Facebook page he had for his music 5/6 years ago and he talks about one of the songs and she said she likes listening to him

Taking away my obvious not liking any communication, does that sound like flirting? Or that it could be? I haven't brought myself to tell my friend in real life yet

OP posts:

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 21/10/2020 19:51

It's not a conspiracy it's just the kind of very banal situation that plays out every day in workplaces across the country as bored husbands flirt with pretty co workers pretending they aren't in a fully loving, functioning relationship. Because if they tell these girls that then the attention vanishes.

It's just the usual early stages of a pre relationship but with the addition of a wife on the sideline. Hardly anything special of unique.

But hey if you think he's told her all about you and how happy he is then fair enough 🤷‍♀️

Original poster

Pollypocket89 · 21/10/2020 20:22

No, I'm not saying that at all. I'm just saying I don't think it's some big manipulation for her or whatever. In anything that's happened, all she's done as such, is exist.

He's my problem. He's away for a couple of days for work (not with her!) so can't talk over the phone about it

OP posts:

Carpetssss · 21/10/2020 23:40

You both need to read ‘not just friends’ by Rosemary Glass, especially him. He is not protecting your relationship. He is being disrespectful and inconsiderate about this whole issue. Think very hard about what sort of person that makes him. Good luck.

SoulofanAggron · 21/10/2020 23:57

he admitted he thinks she's attractive

@Pollypocket89 Why oh why oh why would he say that to you, his wife? It's very tactless/thoughtless/not clever.

I agree it's flirting in a way, she's buttering him up.

Flittingaboutagain · 22/10/2020 00:06

Oh OP.

It is pretty straight forward isn't it. He is never going to stop because he doesn't want to. He likes her. He'll never admit it. You don't need him to. You just need to decide will you live like this forever?

Rollergirl11 · 22/10/2020 07:10

Why are you so insistent that her behaviour isn’t your concern? It should be! She is pursuing your husband and he isn’t telling her to stop or that he’s not interested in her. What does that tell you about what both of them think about your marriage?! She thinks that your husband is fair game. Why do you think that is? It isn’t a big manipulation of your husband because he is a willing participant in whatever it is that they have going on.

OP, I know you don’t want to give an ultimatum but I think it’s time. You need to see that he puts you and your marriage above contact with this girl. How many tines are you going to let him get away with it?!

daisychain01 · 22/10/2020 07:19

she said she liked listening to him

This sounds like yet another tedious variation of the me, me, me pick-me-dance and he's happy to let that continue. Why wouldn't he enjoy the attention, especially when he can turn round to you and say "but it isn't meeee".

You shouldn't need to have a 'Big Talk', he should already have the boundaries set. It's just going to be a constant worry to you, he's broken trust and it doesn't seem like he's bothered about rebuilding it.

Caveat, I didn't see your other thread.

MasksGlovesSoapScrubs · 22/10/2020 07:20

Do you need something physical to happen to realise you're being treated like a doormat?
It's been happening for a year... wtaf.
Odd he'd tell you he finds her attractive when you are worried anyway..
He's downplaying it to make out they're friends.
He continues to talk to her so has no respect for you. I think the respect is with the other woman.

You need to be strong and realise when something is not okay and don't allow yourself to be treated this way. It is not normal.

Rollergirl11 · 22/10/2020 08:05

Whatever it is that he’s doing with this woman he has consistently shown disregard for your feelings and chosen his need for contact with her over you. You need to decide if you can live with that.

It doesn’t matter whether he thinks he isn’t doing anything wrong. The fact is that he knows it hurts you and yet he still continues. You deserve better than this, OP, you really do.

Heyahun · 22/10/2020 08:08

Maybe they are just friends? I don’t know - I have male friends I talk to like this - text and chat regularly- there’s nothing going on

Original poster

Pollypocket89 · 22/10/2020 11:27

That's what I'm afraid of as well, Heyahun, if it really is just that but I guess at the same time I'm still not comfortable

He said she was attractive because I pointedly asked in out talk

OP posts:

Rollergirl11 · 22/10/2020 12:32

So you’ve just said that even if they are just friends, you’re still not comfortable with it, yes? Shouldn’t that in itself be enough to make your husband not want to continue to be friends with her? Why would he put his friendship with a colleague over the emotional security of his wife?

OhCaptain · 22/10/2020 12:45

This is so weird because you post that it's a problem yet spend the thread defending his behaviour against people who agree that it's a problem.

Rollergirl11 · 22/10/2020 12:53

@OhCaptain Innit. Her gut is telling her that it’s a problem but she desperately doesn’t want it to be and wants people on here to confirm that it isn’t.

OP, everybody’s boundaries are different. What may be a dealbreaker for one person wouldn’t raise a sweat for another. The fact that you have been consistently posting for almost a year about your husband and this woman suggests that he has overstepped one of your boundaries. Are you going to continue to ignore this?

I think the issue here is no longer if they are just friends or not but your husbands blatant disregard for your boundaries.

Heyahun · 22/10/2020 13:32

But why can’t he have a female friend!?
Has he done something in the past to make you not trust him? (Sorry I haven’t seen your previous post)

Funsize · 22/10/2020 22:49

@Heyahun the OP’s husband has been spoken to twice at work about rumours of an affair between them. He also watches all of his colleagues Instagram stories of her wearing just her underwear. OP has posted numerous times that it makes her uncomfortable and her DH brushes it off.

Boopthesnoot1 · 23/10/2020 09:10

I had a friend who's husband was talking to his ex and she ask him to stop numerous times, he didnt. I went around for dinner one night and she bought up the issue, he shrugged it off as 'just friends' and not doing anything wrong. I say one thing to him "just because he didn't see it as wrong doesn't mean it was OK, she felt upset about it and why would you do anything to upset your wife with someone who didn't mean that much to you? Why put her thru this when you know she is hurting?". He stopped talking to the ex after that because it all boils down to if it makes your partner upset then why continue to hurt them by carrying on the friendship.

Boopthesnoot1 · 23/10/2020 09:16

He also ended up being a cheating piece of shit too and the emails they were sharing were not innocent.

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 23/10/2020 09:40

[quote Funsize]@Heyahun the OP’s husband has been spoken to twice at work about rumours of an affair between them. He also watches all of his colleagues Instagram stories of her wearing just her underwear. OP has posted numerous times that it makes her uncomfortable and her DH brushes it off.[/quote]
Oh FFS I hate it when people post the same thing over and over wanting different answers so leaving relevant pieces of information out.

They deserve each other.

Dollyrocket · 23/10/2020 10:57

@Pollypocket89

I think you need to stop hand wringing over your DH behaviour and overanalysing what he’s said, OW’s said and trying desperately to convince yourself one way, then the other way and repeat.

Ask yourself - how would you feel being in this same situation for another year? Coming back into MN asking the same questions in a slightly different way..?

Ask yourself if this man is worth this much over investment and anxiety?

It sounds fucking exhausting and you sound potentially addicted to the drama of it all at this point because you’re choosing to respond only when a rare PP replies saying maybe it’s all innocent..

It seems pretty obvious, your partner doesn’t care if it makes you uncomfortable. So you issue your boundary and ultimatum or accept this is your partner and relationship and learn to squash your gut feelings.

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