I have become cynical regarding men, I don’t trust them to be faithful.

[Rainbowllama4]

I’m mid 40’s and have had a few long term relationships and a marriage.

My last long term relationship (5 years) whilst wasn’t emotionally abusive was toxic with a lot of verbal abuse on his part, he also has issues with alcohol and I found out he had been using a casual sex site. Lots of lies and deceit all the way though. I have always had healthy relationships before this one, good boundaries etc. It sounds like I’m thick but I couldn’t understand why he treated me so badly so I tried harder until it got to the point where I had nothing left to give. Stupid I know. I’ve since mended from that and feel like a fool to have wasted 5 years and my last fertile years on a loser.

Since we split I have thought about past relationships and why they went wrong or didn’t work out for whatever reason.

I am also losing faith in men. Since I have become single a male friend who I’ve known over 10 years asked me if I’d like a fwb thing with him despite him being in a relationship for several years. I said no.

My child’s teacher has been inappropriate and asked if I would be up for an affair, I won’t go into too many details but he is married with young children. Obviously I said no and conversations have been awkward since.

I bumped into an old male school friend who suggested a catch up and a coffee, we swapped numbers, I text him, he didn’t reply for a couple days, no issues with this, he doesn’t owe me anything but when he did reply it was a text giving me another number to contact him on as the number he gave me wasn’t his number he regularly used. This made me
slightly suspicious so I went onto WhatsApp, the first number was being used regularly and the second one didn’t even have WhatsApp in use. I didn’t contact him again and ignored the few texts that he did send.

I moved house, had been in for about a week when a man from the next road knocked and welcomed me to the neighbourhood with a large bunch of flowers. He then asked if I’d like a drink sometime, I took his number but didn’t contact him as no attraction on my part. Since found out he is married.

Another man who showed interest and said he lived with his sister, I have since seen said man walking his dog with his sister and holding her hand. Hmmmmm.

All the above happened within the last year.

I would like to have a relationship but I have little trust these days, I’ve always been trusting by nature and have had very few issues in the past regarding trusting partners (apart from the last one) but the above instances have made me cynical and untrusting.

Is it an age thing? All these men are in their 40’s or early 50’s. Why do they do it? Have I been naive all these years and everybody is at it behind their partners back?

All I want is a single man who is honest, no drink or drug issues, not shouty and good fun, it seems like a big ask.

Sorry for such a long post. I don’t know what I want from it, maybe to hear others experiences.

You're in a vulnerable place right now and abusers and exploiters sniff that out like a bloodhound (and nice, normal men keep a respectful distance).

The deluge of arseholes lessens as vulnerability reduces, I've found. Bastards that they are.

Lots out there but many are in the same place as you, not trusting or viewing women with an equally jaundiced eye. Sadly you'll end up meeting a lot of others who're up for chancing their arm.

Hope you finally get to meet someone.

Hi. I'm only 31 but most men Ive been involved with have lied to me. Usually texting other women. Sneaky stuff. Telling me what women then fancy etc.

I've recently been a bit of a muppet and believed a man in his early 40s was interested in me. He was flirting. Told some one he thought I was really lovely etc. I was all geared up for more. Then he just didn't bother.

My sister is 48 and she's basically miss independent. She's been married years ago. Early 90s. But since then she's been involved with different blokes. Some married. Some single. Some have kids. She's never ever stayed with any of them. Men piss her off. But she's not exactly innocent herself.

In all honesty some men have always cheated, played games and lied. The problem is now we've got the internet. Filtered photos everywhere. Messaging people you'd otherwise never see. It's easy to look good. You can take 50 pictures until you find the one. Youve got dating websites and snap chat. It's so easy for people to flirt, chat and stalk!

I think you have good standards. The fact you don't want a sex thing and to be used. Hold onto your standards too. We've all been stupid enough to think they will eventually fall hard and love us. But some men only want to get laid. Sex mad some of them.

I have 200 friends on my Facebook. Mostly from my school and work days. Most people I'm friends with are around the 10-15 years in mark. They seem settled and happy. So I do think lots of people are capable of settling and staying. But who knows in ten years time how that will still stand.

I'm with you on this. From all the couples I know, there's very few who are actually happy. I know many of the blokes have cheated. I know people who stay in their relationship even though it's pretty much non existent.

I hardly feel like bothering with one.

If you present as vulnerable or easy prey then creeps will try to take advantage. I think you need to figure out what's making you appear safe to approach in that manner.

Realistically, your kids teacher should have been worried about being fired. What were the conversations and interactions that led him to believe that he could approach you in that manner?

All these married men who think you're up for it and won't tell their wives? Do they think you're flirting with them? Are you? If there's a lot of married men doing that then it would appear they think they're responding to an expression of interest.

As @PicsInRed has said, your vulnerability is obvious to predators, that's why you're meeting so many of them.

I'm a big believer, that when you feel strong, confident, and give off 'Don't fuck with me' vibes, you do detract men who are looking for someone 'nice' and not likely to make a fuss when they pull their BS. The next time someone shady tries something shady, call them out on it. Express your disgust or disdain. You don't have to be nasty, but you should start speaking your truth and making your voice heard. It will empower you.

See the difference you'll feel when you see yourself as less of a victim that men are doing these things to, and as someone who controls the dynamic. There are always going to be crappy people out there, just as there are good ones. However, YOU get to control who you let into your life. Once you get into the headspace of generalising all men, you do yourself a disservice by shutting yourself off from making genuine connections. And that's no good.

@PicsInRed

You're in a vulnerable place right now and abusers and exploiters sniff that out like a bloodhound (and nice, normal men keep a respectful distance).

The deluge of arseholes lessens as vulnerability reduces, I've found. Bastards that they are.

Totally this.

I don’t agree with PPs. I’ve been single for seven years now. I’m not vulnerable. I’m not looking for a man. I give out very strong signals that I’m confident etc. With the exception of ONE guy, every single man that has asked me out/tried it on with me, turned out to be in a relationship. Every time I found out with very little effort. None of them denied it when I confronted them. Obviously I didn’t go out with them again when I found out they were attached. OP, I’m in complete agreement with you.

Let's be honest, most men are pigs.

It's true. I'm old, short, fat and ugly but I'm out and about a lot on my own, and men push for sex. Even ones twenty or thirty years younger. Being married or partnered does not hold them back.

Lets face it OP you're on Mumsnet home of the failed relationship. You're not going to get many positive views of men.

OTOH people do seem to live in hope, how many are going through multiple relationships and still trying. Perhaps says more about their choice in men than the men themselves.

Well, it's not my experience. I've been married for aeons, DH and I are happy, albeit with the usual issues that any longterm relationship has, we don't have affairs, and I have some close, longterm male friends, single and married, who have never hit on me. (Perhaps I look like a baboon's butt...)

But I accept that it's your experience. And I hope things look up.

Thanks for replies.
@PicsInRed I don’t feel vulnerable in any way, I feel back to my old self after what I can see now was an unhealthy relationship. I had a fantastic radar as a younger woman, any sniff of anything not feeling right and I would be off. My boundaries became non existent when I was with my ex and I wouldn’t let that happen ever again.

@BigFatLiar I know, I‘ve a few male friends who have been burnt from unhealthy relationships that have skewed their view of women in general, I don’t want to become a man hater. Thanks, I’m not desperate and am happy single but would be happy to start something slowly if the opportunity arose.

@Floradoras I agree with you there, sex is easy to come by these days or a bit of sexting if your bored with your partner. I don’t like it and I don’t want it in my life. I won’t do online dating as I’ve seen too many friends get burnt. I would rather be single than be in a fwb situation or with a man who was keeping his options open. I don’t have Facebook or Instagram because I don’t like the selfie culture, I’m starting to think I’m very old fashioned😂

@PositiveLife a lot of couples I know aren’t happy, some leading separate lives. Staying together for financial reasons or the children.

@ReneeRol like I said above I don’t feel vulnerable, I feel like I have good boundaries in place. If anything doesn’t feel right I walk away, only exception being my ex which I feel foolish about. Everybody around me could see it and I couldn’t.
Regarding my child’s teacher, something was off from the first meeting at parents evening, he put his arm round my shoulders to see me out, I felt uncomfortable but left it. At the Christmas event at school my mother commented that he couldn’t take his eyes off me. Any occasion I had to visit school I took one of my parents with me. During lockdown all parents received a phone call a week to see how the kids were doing. He asked how I was doing and I said ok, bit stressed, bit lonely and that was that. He then text me late in the evening asking me if I would like him to keep me company and told me that he had always been attracted to me, I told him it was inappropriate and he texted back apologising, I didn’t take it any further, he has small children to feed and clothe. Regarding the other guys, no, I’m not flirty but I am friendly and have bumped into old school friends over the years, men and women, met for drinks or lunch, kept in touch with some and not others. I wouldn’t even consider having a relationship with a man in a relationship so I don’t give out those vibes, my neighbour with the flowers I had never seen before although he must have seen me when driving past my house. I treat men and women the same, I am polite and friendly, surely if men see this as a come on it’s their problem and should not be taken that a woman is flirting with them, are they that egotistical?

There's no reason to trust them.

There's so many bad ones out there, although they'd never think they were, it would be difficult not to end up with one.

I feel for the younger generation of women having to deal with a generation of pornsick males.

Oh god yes.
When I became single I was heavily pursued by all sorts of men looking for a bit on the side.
Old colleagues, an ex manager, friend's husband, old friend.
It's sickening.

I can truly empathise. I'm 48. I left my daughter's Dad over 4 years ago. I've had a few short term relationships since.

Im currently on OLD and the content of some of the messages men send is truly sad as it's very sex oriented from the beginning. Then there's married men, catfish and the scammers. I think I've met them all over 4 years. My radar is highly attuned as are my social media searching abilities!

If I have found someone I'd consider nice, it starts off well and over time they turn into complete idiots. Pushing boundaries, lack of respect etc. I call them out on their behaviour and end the relationship.

In every case, despite being blocked, they find a way to come back and send another message. I really don't think they grasp that I ended it because their behaviour was unacceptable. Some have come back 2 years later!

I don't have a problem meeting men on a day to day basis as my world seems to be full of women as I work in a female orientated work place.

But like you, I have become really disillusioned with men and as time goes on it gets worse, the more I encounter.

I do feel that friendly is misconstrued as vulnerable. But like you, this couldn't be further from the truth!

I find relationships bloody hard work. I'm early 30s and accepted I'll not have another relationship or have another child because I just cannot be arsed of being made a dickhead of

Report your son's teacher, FFS, that's incredibly inappropriate and I'd be deeply concerned that someone with such shocking judgement and lack of morals is in charge of taking care of children.

If you'd been a more vulnerable woman, you might have felt pressured to say yes to him in case he started mistreating your child as a result. His behaviour was absolutely an abuse of power and should be reported to the school. Frame it just as i did there.

Maybe the strong boundaries are doing it then it might be coming across as lack of caring about consequences so rather than vulnerable you might be happy for a no strings shag. You obviously aren’t interested but men who are trying it on generally have a high asking rate.

Well known married player at work, watch him on a night out, he’d try it on with about 20 women and would generally end up going home with someone.

Several of OH's friends are unmarried and nice people. Many through their work and hobbies didn't really meet many women. A couple of them got knocked back to often and gave up (they tend to be techies) mostly they've settled for their work, hobbies, friends and their pets. The married ones usually met their wives through friends or shared interests (my OH was my brothers pal). Few try OLD.

I suspect OLD tends to attract more of the 'players'.

Maybe she isn't giving off vulnerable vibes. Simply being single is enough for some men who are opportunistic. They are more likely to approach a single women because there's no other man to deal with - they want to avoid being challenged or beaten up by another male.

You've had some real bad luck OP. No wonder you're having trust issues in men with this going on. I've stopped investing emotionally in friendships with men. Sad, because I've missed out on a few, but it's just in my experience that most of them keep their female friends within reach either because the actively have a crush on them which they hope will develop into a relationship, or, they have a glimmer of hope that if they encounter a sexual dry spot one day, their friend might be convenient to have sex with. Those things are often part of the equation. I've found that women are more capable of having platonic relationships but for men the sex component is usually present, unless the are very physically unattracted to their friend for some reason. Sadly, this seems to still be the case even if they're in relationships. Always happy to be proved wrong.

@RantyAnty

There's no reason to trust them.

There's so many bad ones out there, although they'd never think they were, it would be difficult not to end up with one.

I feel for the younger generation of women having to deal with a generation of pornsick males.

Live sex sites are a real blight.

First it's porn. Then it Live Cams and then it's only a short step to 'girls in your area', then having conversations with those, then meeting up. I asked my partner once why he wouldn't do casual sex or engage in prostitution if he was single - his first answer was because he wouldn't want the STDs. Not really the first answer I was looking for, you know?

It's the internet and the interaction of it that has really affected relationships. With porn, it was easier to keep it in a box so to speak, but the live cams and chat are addictive and easily bring a level of sexual interaction to men in relationships that would otherwise not been possible pre internet (other than expensive sex lines).

I hope you meet a good one, OP!

I am in my mid 50's, met my current husband ten years ago. Never married previous to that several relationships, never really that great, one awful.

I've already decided that if anything happens to my husband I will never even attempt to look for another man. I really can't be bothered with it all, it's too much like hard work.

A dog and a couple of cats will do me just fine.

Report your son's teacher, FFS, that's incredibly inappropriate and I'd be deeply concerned that someone with such shocking judgement and lack of morals is in charge of taking care of children.

This.

Did he do the asking via anything recordable or would it be his word against yours (no doubt you will have "misunderstood" him if there's no evidence and it might be hard to pursue)?

I appropriate if he was actually single, much much worse if he's married.

I disagree with all the "you're giving out vulnerable vibes" posts.

Past 20s and 30s the numbers of truly single people are very small and you get lots and lots of bored, jaded, "lost spark" people in relationships and marriages; but the women in my experience are much less likely to be motivated by sex so nowhere near as many of them act in this opportunistic, predatory, bit on the side seeking manner.

I know a lady who was long-term single after her ex h cheated and broke up their marriage; she is and always was as straight as a die, strong ethics, strong boundaries and while she's like to have met a partner, she was very capable and together in being single.

She was repeatedly propositioned for affairs by .. work colleagues and others. She couldn't even speak politely to a younger couple with kids on holiday without being propositioned by the husband when he met her separately. Apparently because she was on holiday on her own she must be "so lonely", and he was going to come to her room (which he'd noted her coming out of) later ... She told him in no uncertain terms she was not lonely or interested and not to come near her room.

It's just a certain type of man, they see any single woman as an opportunity for a bit on the side and delude themselves in some kind of fantasy that they'll be well received. They uniformly believe that single women are sex starved (because they would be if they were single) and desperate for sex and attention.

Incidentally a nice aside is that the lady above met a widower via his niece at ceili dancing and has been seeing him since.